A Bradley (tm) Birth! - First Time Mamas CAN Birth Without Drugs

I love how this mom stops thinking and starts listening to her body.  Birth is an ancient art at it's core.  Classes can help us navigate the hospital system and unlearn some of our learned fears- but women know inside them how to give birth.  

Enjoy!

Kaelyn's Birth Journey

This story begins on a cloudy Tuesday.  Tuesday, Oct. 4th to be exact.  This was my due date... a day marked on the calendar as the day around which my precious baby girl was to be born, and a day which I had dreamt about for 10 months.  While I know that babies typically come between 37-42 weeks and I told myself that I was probably going to "go late" like first-time moms often do... there was still just something about that day I couldn't get past.  I spent the whole day feeling like it was my wedding day and my husband forgot to show up or something!  I wanted to meet her oooohhh so badly, and did not want to be pregnant for one more second!  I woke up on this day with tears in my eyes staring at the empty bassinet next to me wishing I was looking at my baby girl.  I looked down at my stomach and thought... "Baby K... I know you are a full grown baby in there... why are you still in my belly???!!!  Why can't I just transfer you from this belly out onto my bed right now so I can look at you!??!"

I stopped returning calls and text messages asking me how I was feeling and if she was here yet because it was hard for me to even say out loud that she wasn't here yet.  That is all that I wanted!  I went on a long walk with my grandma Helen (who from this point on will be called Grammy because it's weird for me to call her anything else) who had come to stay at our house a few days prior and is  helping and taking care of us during this transitional time.

ANYWAY... I was having contractions throughout the walk with Grammy but had no idea they were contractions.  I had read that contractions started as a lower back pain and gradually wrapped around to the front, but what I was feeling felt very much like menstrual cramps that started in my lower abdomen and crept upward.  I wrote them off as Braxton Hicks or some kind of other weird pregnancy symptom.  I spent the rest of the day exhausted, crampy, and feeling rather sorry for myself. 

Around 9:30 that night, the "abdominal cramps" had intensified a bit, and I wondered in the back of my mind if there was any possible way I could actually be in labor.  Scott and I starting timing these weird cramps, but they didn't appear to be very regular like real contractions would be.  **Side note... I had thought that contractions had to be the EXACT same distance apart lasting for the EXACT same amount of time... and didn't realize that by me continuing to walk around and do things I was making them worse so they couldn't be regular.

Scott and I determined they were probably nothing, so we would just go to sleep.  Welllllllll, I couldn't fall asleep.  The "false labor" contractions were too intense.  I wondered again if there was any remote possibility that this was really the beginning of Kaelyn's birth story.  I didn't want to get my hopes up though, so I decided I would get up and return some e-mails and go on facebook.  I was so in denial, it wasn't even funny!  I didn't want to wake up Scott or Grammy if I wasn't really in labor, so I started timing the contractions again while reading about "What signs to look for to know if you're really in labor or just feeling Braxton Hicks."  I had learned in our Bradley class that if it was truly the start of labor, the contractions wouldn't stop no matter what.  I got up, walked around, went to the bathroom, sat for awhile... and they kept coming.  After a couple hours of this, I found the contractions to be about 3-4 minutes apart lasting about a minute each and was pretty sure this was the real deal. I was pretty tired at this point and decided I would try to go back to sleep.  If it was going to be a long labor, I wanted to be well rested!  It was a little before 2:00am at this point.  I don't know why I thought I'd be able to sleep when I couldn't sleep before, but my brain wasn't really being logical at this point!  As soon as I laid down, I heard a little popping noise, and some water started to gush...

"WOH, I THINK MY WATER JUST BROKE!" I excitedly proclaimed as I rushed to the bathroom.

Scott bolted straight up in bed with the most wide-eyed bewildered sleepy face... "Have you been having contractions??  How long has this been happening??"  He asked as he sleepily stumbled to the bathroom.  I explained what had happened over the past couple hours.

"So... I guess I really am in labor then?" I asked fairly confident now.

"Babe, you are definitely in labor," he laughed.  He took it all in with a nervous-determined-adrenalin-pumped-take-charge kind of face and said in a matter of fact tone, "Guess we better finish packing the bag then," as he rushed out of the bathroom in a hurry.  (Our bag had been packed for awhile... but we still had to throw in some last minute items like toothbrushes and toiletries. :-))

I laid down on the bed and went through some contractions on my own while he finished packing.  We decided it was definitely time to wake up Grammy and call Mary the midwife to let her know things were beginning!  Scott told her that I was comfortable and okay to labor at home for awhile.  Mary recommended I try to eat an egg and to let her know as things progressed.  I wasn't hungry at all... but knew I needed to eat and drink throughout the labor process to keep my strength and stamina up.  Grammy went downstairs to scramble an egg and make some toast for me and had just brought it up when Mary called back.  She asked if I would be okay to go ahead and come in because she wanted to check on the baby since my water had already broken.  I was, of course, completely fine with this, wanting to make sure we took every precaution for the safety of baby K!  I tried to down the food as best I could, and we piled into the car. 

The car ride over was not super pleasant as every bump and turn did not agree with my contractions!  We arrived at Blossom Birth and Wellness Center around 4:00am on Wednesday the 5th.

As soon as I arrived, Mary did a quick check on me.  We were all pleasantly surprised to find I was already 5cm dilated with a very soft cervix!  Sorry if that is TMI... but you are reading a birth story!!

I spent the next couple of hours in a relaxed position on the bed (shown in picture below) while Grammy gave me a massage with Scott at my side.  I had made a birth playlist, and we listened to relaxing piano music.  In between contractions, I looked up at my handsome husband and we whispered about how our baby girl would be there so soon!!!  I couldn't stop saying it out loud.... "She's coming babe... she's really coming!!"  With each contraction, I was focused and relaxed, and pictured her little head wriggling her way out to meet us.  There was such purpose in that pain!  At one point I became nauseated and had to throw up in a puke bucket, but for some reason it didn't bother me the way throwing up normally does.  I was focused, determined, and ready to meet my daughter!

After lying on the bed for awhile, I decided I wanted to move to the tub (pic below).  It is a huge whirlpool tub that is all kinds of amazing!  ***

Of course walking from the bed to the tub intensified the contractions, so Scott and I went through a few contractions together on the way to the tub as it filled up.

Let me say a few words about contractions in a hot jacuzzi tub.... the words I would use to describe the tub: relief, focused, warm, and comfortable.  I am the person that takes hot baths when I am stressed... and there is just something about laying in tub that makes me feel relaxed and at peace.  Scott, Grammy, and I talked and laughed in between contractions, and when the contractions came, I closed my eyes and focused.  While the peak of each contraction continued to get more intense, I loved the fact that every time I hit a peak, I knew the pain would then lessen, and I would get a break at the end.  I felt more focused and relaxed than I ever have in my life!

That being said, time felt like it was moving very slowly.  When I first got in the tub, all I wanted was for the labor to hurry and speed up!  I could control how I reacted to the contractions, but I couldn't control the pace of the labor... so that drove me a bit batty!  I asked for all the clocks to be hidden and to not know how much time had passed.  I wanted to be focused on what I was doing without the distraction of knowing how long it was taking so I wouldn't get discouraged.  Occasionally, a contraction would catch me off guard and start more intensely than the others.  There was one in particular that made me tear up as it scared me that it had come on so quickly and I felt like I had lost it.  For the most part though, I felt like most of the other contractions were very manageable.

Every time a contraction would come, I felt myself going into some kind of zone that I can't even describe.  I am going to try really hard to not sound corny, so bear with me... but I really felt like I went into some kind of alternate universe in my head.  I went to a place where no one could go, where I felt empowered and incredibly strong.  I did my best to think as positively as I could.  I told myself that this was going to be a quick, easy labor, that I was doing an excellent job, and that I was strong, capable, and handling everything extremely well.  I looked around me, and talked to Grammy and Scott about how happy I was to be at Blossom.  I felt calm, comfortable, peaceful, and in control.  It gave me strength knowing that I was bringing her into this world without any drugs affecting her little body, and that I was doing the best I could for the two of us.

Throughout the labor, I forced myself to eat some strawberries and string cheese, and Scott and Grammy continued to keep me hydrated with coconut water.  Over the next few hours, the contractions became stronger, longer, and closer together.  I forced myself to change positions from time to time to keep things progressing even though it really hurt to do so!  I practiced deep breathing and focused on relaxing every muscle in my body throughout the contractions.  Grammy and Scott soaked washcloths in ice and held them to my forehead which felt soooooooo good!

After numerous hours (who knows how many... the clocks were hidden!), I decided I was pruney enough and I would go back and labor on the bed for a bit.  This was the most difficult part of the entire birth process.  Right after laying down, I hit the transitional stage (the stage right before pushing where the contractions are the strongest, longest and you often have contractions back to back without a break in between).  Thankfully, this was also the shortest stage for me.  This stage is really hard for me to remember because I was seriously off in some kind of distant labor land and had no idea what was going on around me!  I listened to the music and forced myself to relax.  While it was difficult, I felt like I did pretty good, with the exception of one particularly LONG, RIDICULOUSLY INTENSE contraction that I distinctly remember curtly stating that if I had one more contraction like that I would die!  It was also at this point that I snapped at my dear sweet husband who was trying to stroke my arm and tell me what a good job I was doing.  I really needed to focus at that point... so I asked him not to touch me, talk, or move!  He ended up taking a little nap next to me on the bed. :-)

As I approached the pushing stage, the contractions slowed down quite a bit, and I was able to take short naps in between contractions.  I felt sooooooooo relaxed, and it felt amazing to just sleep in between.  After snoozing for awhile, I decided to get back in the tub.  On the way to the tub, I had to go to the bathroom, so I ended up laboring on the toilet for awhile as moving around was quite the chore.  Mary brought me a protein shake to give me some extra strength before the pushing stage.  I may have drank a little too fast and threw some of it up... but I still got some nutrients and strength out of it! :-)  It was on the toilet, ironically, that I first felt "the urge to push..." although it really felt more like a strong urge to go #2!  

After that, back into the tub I went!  We decided to do another check, and I was 9 cm dilated at this point with an anterior lip... almost all the way effaced, just a lip of the cervix around the rim that was still over Kaelyn's head.  I was struggling at this point with not feeling like I wanted to push, but also feeling like maybe I should try.  It didn't "feel good to push" like I had heard a lot of women say... so I didn't want to force the pain.  Plus, I had been through a lot of pain at this point already so didn't really want to force pain when it didn't have to be there!

I was battling a lot of questions in my mind.  Was I supposed to start pushing yet?  How long should I wait?  What was it going to feel like?  Was I taking too long?  How much was it going to hurt?  Was everyone getting tired of waiting around for me?  Was I able to push this baby out?  What would happen if I just decided not to push??  Would they make me go to the hospital?  Was this normal?  What was I supposed to do?  Mary and Grammy decided to give Scott and I some time on our own, so they went into the other room while I went through a couple more contractions.  As much as I wanted to meet Kaelyn, I was tired, and didn't know how to get over this hurdle.  I asked Scott to step out for awhile and I just tried to relax in the tub by myself as much as I could.  Mary came in soon after that and said...

"Brianne...  you're over-thinking this.  You just really need to listen to your body and let your wild beast out!"

Oh, man... this is something I have heard my whole life!  My second grade teacher often told my mom that I over analyzed the tests.  When Mary said this, it all made sense.  Of course I would try to OVER-THINK the birth of my firstborn.  I over-think everything else in life, so why not Kaelyn's birth!?  This was so key... as soon as she said this, I knew I just needed to STOP thinking and just LISTEN to what my body was telling me.  I was also afraid to just let my body be in control.  I always feel like I am so "in control," and to just let my body take over felt very odd!  I was afraid of what might happen or what might come out of my mouth if I let go of the control!

I closed my eyes and started to slowly push with the contractions.  I focused on what my body was telling me, and even though it was uncomfortable, after doing this for a few minutes, I felt my body start to take over!  I was doing it!  It was happening!  I could feel her head descending from inside of me... what a crazy awesome feeling.  I started to feel the "ring of fire" a bit... a slight burning sensation down there as she started to crown.  The crazy thing?  I didn't care!  I knew this was the final stretch, and I was about to meet her any second.  Mary told me she could see her head, and said I could reach down to touch it.  I reached down to feel her little head coming out.  That was all I needed to give me that extra motivation to finish strong!  Mary estimated it would be about 20 more pushes.  It was so great to have an obtainable goal!  That didn't sound like that much at all!  I pushed as hard as I could for as long as I could...  and after about 7-10 pushes, at 4:54pm on Wednesday October 5th, 2011, I heard everyone crying out in celebration!!

What??  That was it?? She was out?? I was done??  It was over??  I did it!!!!  Nothing mattered... my baby girl was in my arms!!

What followed after that were the most precious, amazing moments of my life on Earth so far.  Kaelyn went straight on my chest and it was love at first sight.  She looked right up at me with big eyes as if saying "Thank you for bringing me into this world, Mommy!  I love you!"  I looked up at my husband's handsome face and stared into his big tear-rimmed blue eyes.  I had never been more in love with him than I was in that moment. 

"She's here!!!!  She's here!!  Can you believe she's finally here??"

We kissed, and I felt like I was in a surreal dream... I was floating... I was ecstatic... I was glowing... my heart was beating out of my chest... I was too emotional to sob, and all I could do was just say... "Oh... she's here... she's finally here....."  The natural birth hormones and flood of endorphins were incredible!!

I held her sweet warm body and snuggled it up against mine as Scott and Mary transferred me to the bed.  I kissed her, I held her close, I gazed into her eyes, and I knew life would never be the same.  Scott climbed into bed next to me and we laid there together in awe of what had just happened.  Did I really just push her out of my (gulp!).  WOW.  Yes, that really just happened.  Every moment I just experienced... SO WORTH IT.  What a gorgeous little creature.  What a blessing from God.  I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  Did Scott and I really create this little being with our DNA mixed together?  She was perfect!!!!  Every little feature was perfect.

The placenta came out quickly after that and didn't hurt at all as I was just staring down at my precious baby girl!!  As a precaution and to help dry out some fluid that was still in her lungs, we gave her some extra oxygen (shown above).  I also found out later that she had the cord wrapped around her neck when she first came out, which is why she was a little blueish at first.  Mary just quickly slipped it over her head as soon as she came out so I didn't even know this happened until much later!  We just gave her a good rubbin' all over and she turned a nice shade of pink quite soon!  Apparently this is quite common during delivery and was not a big deal, as she showed no signs of distress and her heart rate stayed normal throughout delivery.

Right after the placenta was delivered, I was able to immediately breastfeed.  Mary and the labor assistant, Danielle, helped Kaelyn to get a good latch, and we were set!  I'm pretty sure Kaelyn has wanted to be permanently attached to me since then... She is quite the strong little sucker and a breastfeeding champ!  She pretty much has to have something in her mouth at all times! 

After some bonding and breastfeeding time in bed with our sweet new little family, Scott took her into the other room for some daddy/baby time while I got a few outside stitches.  Then, we weighed and measured her (7 lbs, 5.5 oz, 19.5 inches long).  Mary asked us how long we would like to stay, and I said that I was ready to go!  I felt amazing, and I had my baby girl in my arms.  I was ready to go home and shower/sleep in my own bed.  The pics below were taken on the way out the door... not the best pictures I've ever taken in my life with no make-up after being awake for over 24 hours with no shower and a 20 hour labor... but here they are nonetheless!  

 

The first pic is my midwife Mary and labor assistant Danielle, and the second is the birth team that never left my side... the ever-fabulous and wonderful Grammy Forbes and my adorable, supportive hubby!  Mary spent a lot of the labor in the next room just hanging out as she said I had such a fabulous birth team, she didn't have to do much!  **Side note: HERE is Mary the Midwife's website if you want to learn more about her... she is AMAZING!!!!!!  Also, I didn't talk much about it above, but if you are interested in how the heck it was possible for me to give birth in water, click HERE.

We got Kaelyn into her little ducky PJ's, and we went home just hours after her beautiful grand entrance into this world!

What a beautiful, memorable, amazing day!  I could not have imagined a more wonderful birth experience and I will treasure these memories for the rest of my life!!
 

 

Painful Birth- Loving it, Embracing It, Accepting It

I live at the top of a hill.  After I have a baby I try to get back into shape by running.  The easy part is getting DOWN the hill.  But, inevitably I must come home at some point and that includes going UP hill.

Sometimes, since I am tired and at the end of my run, I try to avoid the hills.  I see one coming up and so I turn before I get there.  But then I find something awful.  ANOTHER hill.  Then I try to turn again.  Surely, I can get home without going up a hill, right?

As it turns out, NO.  I live on the top of a hill and to get back home I must go up a hill.  Trying to avoid the hill is simply going to drag out the inevitable and possibly get me lost.

When it comes to birth, I think all of us have done women a disservice, birth nuts included.  We have told women over and over that birth doesn't have to be painful.  It can be painless and easy.  You don't have to sweat!  You don't have to scream!

Different groups go about this in different ways.  The doctor set says to get the epidural or even a c-section to avoid the pain of natural birth.  The natural birth set says to learn to relax, hypnotize, comfort, doula, or dance your way out of the pain.  But often the focus is simply on AVOIDING PAIN.

I am not advocating that we all going into birth expecting it to be excruciating and scared to death about the prospect.  I realize that some women insist that their birth was painless.  I have even had a birth that I never felt were painful, so I GET IT.

But I would say that even natural birthing mamas who say that their babies birth was painless are often using different words (like intense, rushes, pressure, surges, etc) to describe what some call the pain of birth.  And even those painless birthers will admit that the final moments of birth are overwhelming and all encompassing and convulsive and powerful.  I guess what I am saying is some of this is just choice of words.

But back to the subject at hand.

Over and over again I see women actually ashamed to admit that they felt like natural birth was painful.  It is like it is some kind of badge of honor to have a painless birth.

Guess what.  I think that is lame.  I think we have sold women a bill of goods and we are not adequately preparing them for the realities of birth when we act like they can have a painless birth if they just "do everything right" and "have their mind free of fear."

There.  I just said it.  I think the idea of painless birth is a little lame.

Let me explain.  

The most beautiful thing about birth to me is what it can teach us about real life.  I think that is why the journey of birth is so intense and beautiful and multifaceted- it is teaching us a lesson about the rest of our lives when we are fairly young and when we are embarking on parenthood.

That lesson is this-  Real joy requires some pain.

I don't know how much of my life I have spent avoiding the hard stuff, but I can tell you that it was far to much.

Too many a year was spent waiting for things to get easier and hoping that THEN I could really enjoy life.  I missed out on enjoying the hard times and learning from them.  I dragged out the misery and I didn't appreciate what I could have been learning at the time.  I told the universe to keep trying like mad to teach me the same lesson, over and over again, because I didn't want to learn it.

I don't believe birth is supposed to be easy.  I don't believe it is supposed to be painless.  I think, in fact I KNOW, that the people who first said this, were men.  The idea of modern and painless natural childbirth belongs to Grantley Dick-Read.  A pioneer for sure who did a lot of good for childbirth, but still, not a woman and not somebody who ever actually experienced BIRTH HIMSELF.

What should you love, embrace, and accept about the pain of birth?

Love that it is telling you how to move your body in such a way that will get your baby out sooner.

Embrace that it is teaching you that you are strong and the only way that it can teach you this is by having you go through something that you didn't think you were capable of.

Accept that it is bringing your baby closer and closer to you.

Love that when it is over you will feel intense joy and satisfaction because the change- from the intensity of transition and pushing and the ring of fire, to the joy of a slippery baby, will make you euphoric when it is over.

Embrace that birth makes you a mother that knows she is capable and willing to sacrifice for her child.

Accept that it is something you must, no- are BLESSED- to go through.  It isn't a punishment, it is a journey and it is great one.

When we try to avoid the hills of birth we short change ourselves, we fight what was meant to be and make longer a journey that, though it includes difficulties, gives us an amazing prize at the end.  When women fight this, avoid this, or are surprised by this it simply makes that hill harder to climb. 



We need to stop avoiding the pain of birth and we need to love what it teaches us, what it does for us, and what it means to us when we have gone through it.  The pain of birth is your teacher, your lover and your friend.  It is not something to be feared.  It is what makes birth so magnificent. 

A "You Will Never Have A Baby Vaginally" VBAC!

This mother's joy is palpable.  What a wonderful story.  I love too that she is willing to travel over an hour away to get the birth she want.  Sometimes that is what it takes.  

You are not a lemon.  

Enjoy!

First lets start with my son's birth. I had a C-section with him. It was not the birth I wanted and I was left feeling kinda cheated and struggled with some postpartum depression after that which I felt was mainly due to the birth and the hard recovery. My doctor with him told me at my first pelvic exam when I was 7 weeks pregnant that I could never deliver a baby bigger than 7 lbs vaginally. 

The seed of doubt about my body and it's capabilities was planted in that moment and then I just figured the Cesarean was because my body was a lemon. Soon after his birth I started reading and researching my face off and learned that Doctors actually cannot tell if my pelvis is too small or not by feeling it. Not in labor, not before pregnancy, and not at 7 weeks pregnant. So then I began the pursuit of a VBAC.

Before we became pregnant with with our little girl I knew we needed a game plan for who to see and how to make a VBAC possible. I started messaging our CNM here in town about it and she assured me that she could see us through the pregnancy and transfer our care at the end and we could deliver down in the nearest city (1.5 hrs away). Perfect! We started seeing her and LOVED her. She assured me that my body was NOT a lemon and that we could do this. There was never doubt (at least none that I saw) that I wouldn't be able to VBAC or that I was somehow broken!

So on Monday night (11/21) I was having some contractions right before bed. They were mild. But different. I told my husband and we both laughed it off and went to bed. Throughout the night I was woken by a few strong ones, but once I would pee they were much better, so I thought "just more braxton hicks...fun!". That morning when I woke up and they were still around I decided to get checked. 

I went and saw the Midwife and she said I was a good 3. That was progress. She said I was even close to a 4. I was happy with that. I went home and we planned to meet again in the afternoon. I went home and by about 11 I knew I was in labor. I was still in denial until that point. I asked the parents of the little boy I watched to come pick him up relatively soon.  

I started taking showers, eating healthy snacks, and trying to rest! At 230 I went back to see the midwife and was more uncomfortable for sure. She checked me and said I was a good 4. A 4?! I've been laboring ALL day. I was pretty discouraged. But she assured me my cervix was changing and this was happening. Not sure when, but it was happening. So back home I went. Around 5 I was starting to really feel the contractions. They were actually painful and required my attention. 

So Grammy came to get our little man and I of course cried as they drove away. My sweet mother-in-law prayed with me and I felt ready! Soon after the midwife came to our house to check me and said I was a good 5 and we were good to head on down to the hospital. No rush. Just at our leisure. She went ahead down and met with a friend from the hospital down there and would be waiting. So I took another bath and finished eating and packing and we headed out.

I was petrified of the car ride. My biggest fear was hitting transition and being stuck in the flipping car! But I just laid on my side with a pillow and blankets and breathed through and did quite well. Then we got to a small city still about 30 min away from the hospital. I HAD to pee and try to get rid of some of the pressure. So we stopped and while we were stopping and driving over bumps and turning I was miserable! I wanted to cry. 

But after a restroom stop and some drinks from Del Taco I was feeling like I could bear the last 30 min. And I did. Once we got to the hospital I was ready to be in a room and away from people b/c I was in pain. No such luck. We got there and filled out forms in the ER and got some vitals done. Then we were put in ER triage with a bunch of other people. They were talking to us and cussing and I was thoroughly annoyed. 

Finally the nurse came down to get us. Thank God. It took me forever to get to the room as I was stopping for contractions and breathing and swaying with my husband. But we got there. Guess what? More triage. I wanted to cry. But our midwife was there waiting for us and that made my heart happy! So we did all the norm stuff there and they told me part of the VBAC policy was to get a weight ultrasound. Are you kidding me? I'm in so much pain and you are going to make my lie on my back so you can tell me what a giant baby I have?! Fantastic. 

 So I complied and it hurt so bad. He finished and determined that baby would be about 6 lbs 11 oz. That sounded reasonable. Our son was 7.7. So once that was over they allowed us to walk up to our room. Again, it took forever and I just could not wait to get there!

Once in the room, I was checked and found to be a 6. I cried. A 6?! I'm in SO much pain. How am I not in transition?! Afterward we got all hooked up to the monitors and stuff and then it was quiet. It was just my husband, the midwife and I. There was relaxing music on and they would massage and rub me and help me keep my cool. After the initial strip I wanted the water. 

I'd talked the entire trip down about the labor tubs and how nice it would feel to crawl in one as soon as possible. We soon found out I was in the last open room and my room only had a shower. You have GOT to be kidding me. I was super disappointed. But our midwife suggested that we go sit on the birthing ball in the shower and that water was glorious! I was feeling like I could do this. My family came in to visit real fast and I was still able to talk and laugh in between contractions and then they left. It was maybe 11 or so when she checked me again. I was a 6. STILL. 

Emotionally I began to lose it. This is what happened with our son. I got stuck and then they took him. I started to panic. Everyone continued to reassure me that it was just going slowly and no one was pressuring me. There was no clock. I believe with that check they broke my water and there was not a whole lot of it because she was so low her head was like a cork. Every time I was checked the midwife would say "her head is just SO low". That was very encouraging to me that my body was doing something! After that, it all gets soooo blurry. 

I took another shower at some point and peed and labored a lot. There was lots of rubbing and encouraging words. Then at some point I lost it. I started crying and begging for an epidural. I was fighting with everyone and felt SO out of control. It was transition. I knew it in my head but HOLY COW! It hurt. Like bad. At this point the midwives were suggesting some IV meds. It went against everything I'd said I wanted. But I just could not pull it together. I really wanted an epidural, but figured I'd try that first. The nurse came in to hook up my heplock and couldn't get it in. Blew two veins. 

It was killerto have contractions and then in between get poked with needles!! Finally another nurse came in and got it in. They gave me something through it and poof. I could do this. Did it take my pain away?  No.  I still was writhing with every contraction and had to work to get through them, but the in between was wonderful! I was able to rest. I felt so relaxed and I knew that's exactly what my body needed to do. The rest was history. I flew from a 7 to ready to push in what seemed like no time. 

I was in such an animalistic state I really could not even comprehend what was going on. I was trying to listen to the midwife coach me through pushing and trying to soak in all the "you are doing great" and "you're a rockstar" compliments, but all I could think about was getting the baby out! So we started pushing.  I could feel after just a few pushes what needed to happen and the way I needed to do it.  So I did it.  With all my might.  It felt soooo much better to be pushing! 

So after 15 minutes or so we got to that ring of fire and that's when I knew it. I am doing this! I am going to deliver this little girl the way I wanted!!! Someone told me to feel her head and I did quickly but needed to focus. A few pushes and out she came. It was incredible. Feeling her little body slip through mine. It was the most incredible feeling ever. And then such relief! They put her on my chest and I just bawled. I couldn't believe I did it. I couldn't believe my little girl was actually finally here! While they were cleaning her off someone made a comment about her definitely not looking like a 6 lb baby. This made me excited because I'd been hoping all along she would be bigger than our boy and I'd be CERTAIN that my body was capable and did not have stupid limitations put on it. I could birth any baby I could make!

They took her to be weighed while I got stitched up quickly. I was SO thankful to have only a tiny tear that barely required any time at all to fix! They yelled over to me 8.1! I had an 8 lb baby!!! Later the nurse told us that because of the extra grams she was actually 8.2. Incredible. I still cannot believe I did it. I cannot believe I birthed my baby vaginally. And without an epidural. And without ripping to shreds. And without needing assistance. My body was able to get pregnant, carry a baby to term, know when and how to go into labor, push and deliver a baby, and then feed her completely once she was out! It is truly incredible. I have an entirely new view of my body and of my own capabilities.

Once everything settled a bit we nursed and it was blissful. She was so content to be with me. She has been so calm and cuddly and responsive to me especially. It has been a very special experience for me. I feel like it's healed some places within me and given me a very special bond with our little girl!

I must give credit now where credit is due. I could not have done this whole laboring thing without my incredible husband. He was there for me every second and step of the way. He was rubbing me, encouraging me, praying for me, reading me my birthing affirmations, and making sure that things went the way he knew I really wanted them to. I think he was the best labor partner ever! 

Next, Our midwife. She was just magnificent. She knew where to rub and where it hurt and what I needed. She kept everything calm and peaceful just like I needed. It was so special to have so much time with just her and my husband and I. She was just the person I needed and wanted to be there and to catch my little girl :) Finally, Lisa. Lisa is our midwife in the city and she was just awesome. It was incredible to be able to do what we did in a hospital that wasn't ours. She was so supportive and a great addition to our little team. We certainly could not have done it without her!

Life since the birth has been great. We were discharged from the hospital a few hrs early and were able to be a family at home on Thanksgiving :) We are 4 days out now and I feel so human. So normal considering everything that just happened. It's absolutely incredible. 4 days after my C-section we had just gotten home and I could hardly walk and was essentially useless other than to feed myself and my little boy. I cannot imagine coming home to a toddler and a newborn feeling like that!! The recovery has been a complete 180. We have been SO blessed!!!  

 

"They Let Me..."

Let's talk about words.  We have talked about the word "deliver" in relation to men delivering babies, and paternalism as it relates to the state of obstetrics.  But today I want to talk about the phrase, "They let me...."  Or, even worse, "They won't/wouldn't let me............."

When do women say this when discussing birth?

ALL. THE. TIME.

Just a few I have heard from students and hospitals: 

"We don't let people go past 42 weeks."

"My doctor won't let me push how I want.  Everybody has to push in X position.  It works better for him."

"They won't let me go past 41 weeks."

"They won't let me have my waters broken for more than 24 hours."

"They will let me labor even though I have had a c-section."  (By the way- one of the only places in town that will "allow" this.)

"We don't let women squat."

"They let us eat in labor."

"My hospital doesn't allow patients to take Bradley classes."  (Yes, I was told this.  By the way, that hospital had the highest c-section rate in the great state of Texas.)

And the list goes on and on.

The quote above from Midwives Rising is so very true.

The ability to labor how we please, birth in whatever position feels right for us, be able to move, go drug free, have a VBAC, hold our babies, and nurse our babies without threat of artificial food or nipples, etc, is nobodies to give us.

Giving birth is something that women DO.  We were created to do this.  These are all OUR powers, not anybodies to GIVE or TAKE from us.  Nobody should have power over our bodily autonomy in such minuscule ways at the time of birthing.

I mean really, "They won't let me eat."  Is that some kind of joke?  We are really being deprived the ability to eat by other adult humans and that is just fine with us?  Are we really that afraid?  Are we really that inexpert?  Do we really believe that it is up to somebody else if we EAT or NOT?


Yes, yes we do.

(Restrictions on eating have to do with the minuscule chance that you would have to undergo general anesthesia and would aspirate our vomit while anesthetized.  Some of this tradition dates back to the time when more women were under general anesthesia and the use of a mask made it difficult to view her mouth.) 


We have co-opted our power, our bodies, and our births and we have not even noticed it.  It is so ingrained that the language of birth is not about OUR power or ability but is about THEIR rules and restrictions.

We can do this.

There is a down side to taking back our power though, and it is that with power comes responsibility.  Often these restrictions have to do with the fear of liability if something goes wrong that is known to be preventable.  When we demand freedom, we must recognize that with some of those freedoms comes some risk, even if it is very minimal.  We have to own that risk.

Frankly ladies, I think sometimes we just don't want to own it.

The "they let me" idea is deeply ingrained not just because others wish to have power over us, but because sometimes we want to have others take responsibility for us.  We can't have it both ways.

There is always risk in life and in birth.  Let's stop "letting" them take our power.  Rise up!

Birth Story- Birthing With An Unlicensed Midwife

I am excited to share this unique birth story.  When I read it I wasn't quite sure if this was an unassisted birth or what was going on so, I e-mailed the mother.  As it turned out, the mother lives in a state (Ohio) where home birth midwifery is not licensed but also not illegal.  She was attended by an unlicensed midwife, who she referrers to as a friend. 

There are those who believe that home birth is unsafe. Some believe that licensing makes it safer.  Others believe that this places undue regulations on the midwife and limits her ability to attend some women.  

I don't know the answer to this question, but this birth story is more than a birth story.  It is an exploration of how midwifery and home births play out when state regulated licenses are not a part of the equation.    

Some things I have noticed that happen when women don't have access to licensed midwives or when midwifery is totally illegal:

1) Some women birth in hospital, arriving very late and getting no care during their labor 

2)  Some women birth totally unassisted  

3)  Some women birth with midwives who are not legal and/or licensed, and so cannot carry with them lifesaving drugs (such as anti-hemorrhage drugs) that midwives in other states can legally carry.  

As the mother in this story stated to me, "This is a huge disservice to parents."

The other thing I love about this story is that even though mom had complications after the birth, she was able to safely transfer to the hospital to get the interventions that she NEEDED.  Not only that, she was treated well by the staff.  Now that is how home birth and hospitals can work together.  

(You can read about the state of home birth midwifery legality in your state here.)  

Enjoy!

The Home Birth of Adrian

I was due on November 9th, and even though both Julian and Melody had carried very late I thought that this one would come sooner. I felt so much more "pre-labor" than I ever had before, and I was sure that that meant I would be having the baby on time, if not early. A week or two before I was due I had a strong contraction that seemed to last an hour. It hit me while I was making breakfast. It rendered me frozen in place, and seemed to lessen on occasion to allow me to change position, pour a glass of milk for the kids, sit on the couch, and then it would start up again. It never completely went away during that time, and it was very painful, lasting for close to an hour before subsiding all together. I was so excited - I was sure labor was starting. I had never had contractions without being in labor before.

But after that hour it was over, and contractions didn't pick up again for about two more weeks. Once they did they were painless tightening sensations that came and went whenever they pleased, keeping to no rhythm whatsoever. Two weeks of those erratic contractions were making me crazy, and since my mom was only in town for a few weeks we were all growing concerned that she would miss the birth. During the pregnancy I was told a few times that the baby was posterior, so I can only guess that my two weeks of painless contractions were simply getting the baby into a better position for labor to actually start and go smoothly.

At 41 weeks I began losing my mucous plug, which I thought was a sign that labor would be starting very soon, as it had with Melody's labor. But, to my great disappointment, I lost little bits of it for another week before anything happened. I tried to keep reminding myself that my body worked - it had birthed before and it would do it again. God's timing was perfect, and He was in control. But I think that birth is such a crazy, miraculous thing that I'll never be able to fully grasp, and it was hard to let go and completely surrender no matter how hard I tried. I was very impatient, and not only did I not want to be pregnant anymore, but I wanted the baby to come so that I could be assured, once again, that it would all work out and my body really did know what it was doing.

On Tuesday, November 23rd, I was at Chick-Fil-A with the kids for a playgroup with our La Leche League friends. At about 11 am I had another very painful contraction that grabbed a hold of me and didn't let go for a number of minutes. I had stood up to go to the bathroom and was frozen in place. I started to panic inside, because I was in so much pain and I thought it may be because I had to empty my bladder, but I knew that there was no way I could make it to the bathroom. After a few minutes it lessened, but it didn't release completely for a while longer. For the rest of the day I had the same painless contractions I had been having before, however this time they were regular. They stayed around 10 minutes apart all day long. But by midnight when they hadn't amounted to anything else, I went to be disappointed. I was now 42 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

At 1:15 am I awoke to a strong, painful contraction. They continued and stayed painful and 5 minutes apart for the next 25 minutes, so I then called my friend. I still wasn't sure if this was the real deal, since I had been let down so much before. But they were strong and regular, so I told her she could come over now. Dominic, my mom, and my older sister were here with me. My friend arrived and called a couple of other friends to join us. I spent the next couple of hours on my bed, moaning and swaying with my pillow.

I tried to escape the contractions, but I couldn't. In my labor with Melody I vocalized the entire 9 hours. I yelled "ooooh" with every contraction. It seemed to help me cope - it was like I was yelling at my contractions, keeping them in check. At the end, during transition, vocalizing was all I could do to keep from feeling like I was just going to fall apart. This time, though, vocalizing didn't help much at all. I tried it a bit, but it seemed to almost annoy me more than anything else, so I stopped. When I stopped Dominic was worried that the contractions had lessened, but they definitely hadn't!

With each contraction I remember rocking or swaying my head from side to side with my eyes closed, trying to run away in my mind. I held my pillow, and sometimes laid on it, but I didn't get off of my bed the entire time. My friends and family came upstairs to check on my occasionally, but mostly stayed downstairs.  I was so tired, and that made the whole thing harder because I just wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to push the pause button and rest! At one point my friend, Dominic, my mom and sister were all in the room with me, and my friend was talking about something to them while I was having a contraction.

I yelled at them to "Be quiet!!" And then I mumbled "just when I'm having a contraction...". I had to focus only on my body, and outside noise was adding stress. The contractions were getting slightly more intense and I was feeling a lot of pressure. I remember thinking that my water was going to break at any second because the pressure was so strong, and I felt a little fear that there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was happening and I was out of control.

Around 4 am a friend and Dominic were in the room with me, and my friend suggested that I try to go pee. I did NOT want to get up! Dominic asked if he could go downstairs and get a snack (he hadn't left my side the whole time), and we said yes, so he did. All of a sudden I had a third strong contraction that didn't come and go like normal - it was sharp and didn't let up. I was standing by my bed frozen in pain; I felt stuck again. The baby was also moving during the contraction, which is something I'd never felt before and something I never want to feel again! His movement brought a whole new element of pain to the contraction. I was standing by the bed, whining at my friend that I couldn't move, and I didn't know what to do! It lessened after a few minutes and I made my way to the toilet.

I can't remember if I peed or not, but I quickly had another contraction and my body started pushing. Not me, my body. It is so strange to have your body do something that you can't control. With that push my water broke and I yelled out in fear and excitement. It sort of exploded, just like it had with Melody. I knew the baby would be out any minute.  Dominic says he heard me yell and ran upstairs, never getting to eat his rice ;) Everyone else ran upstairs, too, and grabbed all the cameras and met me in the bathroom. Luckily we have a big bathroom!

Altogether there were 7 of us in there. My friend said that the water was clear, but later told me that there was meconium in the water but she had said it was clear so as not to worry me.  I began to panic - the baby was coming, and I knew there was no way I could get off of the toilet in time! I was sure I'd push the baby out in to the toilet and then we'd have to get it out somehow, but I didn't know how! Watching the video I looked fairly calm, but inside I remember distinctly panicking about having the baby in the toilet.

My mom asked me if I wanted to get up and I told her to "carry me". Ha! I'm 10 months pregnant, but please just lift me up and carry me to the bed! I put all my weight on her and my friend, and they did their best to lift me to a standing position in front of the toilet. I felt the next contraction, I felt my body pushing and I felt the baby coming down. Even though Melody's birth was unmedicated, I don't remember feeling the same sensations that I felt this time. I could feel him coming down the canal - I remember feeling his nose inside me.

The only words I uttered were "Baby. Baby." This was my warning to Dominic to catch the baby! I felt him emerge, his head and then after just a moment the rest of him shot out. It was all in one contraction. And he really did shoot out - just like Melody. Apparently that's how I have them ;) And to think, I pushed Julian for an hour! Dominic had to move fast to catch him, and because of my position he almost hit the back of the toilet! Dominic is a pro baby catcher now :) It was 4:14 am.

After I knew the baby was out I think I said something like "Thank God". The whole time I was in so much pain, I was so tired, and I was sure I couldn't do it. It is the highest mountain I will ever climb. It is the most terrifying and exciting thing anyone can ever go through. And I knew I couldn't do it. Most women either catch their babies themselves or quickly take them and hold them. I didn't with Melody , and I didn't with Adrian. Both times I didn't even look at them for a few moments, I was too busy sort of regrouping myself. I had both of them standing up, so I stayed in my position and cried for a moment. I was so overwhelmed with relief and amazement that I couldn't even look yet.

Adrian started crying soon and cried a LOT. Melody had been so peaceful, but this one was angry! I finally sat down and Dominic sort of weaved the cord through my legs so I could hold him. He looked just like Julian. I looked and saw that he was a boy (I had told no one to say the gender until I saw for myself). I felt very good. Very healthy and alert. Not in much pain.

I sat on the toilet and held him for a long time. After about 5 or 10 minutes my body started pushing with another contraction and I knew that the placenta was coming, so my friend quickly lifted the toilet seat and put in the sitz bath so I could push it out right into there. Very convenient! Someone woke up Julian and Melody and brought them in. Melody was very tired and took a few minutes to register any interest in the baby, but once she did she poked him in the eye repeatedly and said "Baby's eye!" Julian was excited from the start, but sad that he had missed the birth, and informed us that we should name him Joseph.

After a little while they helped me walk back to the bed, and when I reached the bed I felt a gush of blood flow out. I got into bed and laid there for the next couple of hours with Adrian (whose name we hadn't decided on yet).  My mom cut his very long cord after it had turned completely white and stopped pulsing. He weighed 8 pounds and eleven ounces. I nursed him and held him and felt great.

However, I was losing a little gush of blood with each contraction. My uterus was clamping down and hardening well, but the blood loss was a little worrisome 2 hours later. Also, while looking at my placenta, it was breaking apart just from our touch and we couldn't tell if all the pieces were out of not. This was definitely an old placenta that was at the end of its life. I didn't feel bad, though, until I tried to sit up and I got very light headed and had to lay back down again. My friend strongly suggested I call the midwife on base who had been seeing me during the pregnancy because of my history of anemia and my previous retained placenta and D & C.

I really didn't want to. I didn't want to go in to the hospital and ruin my whole experience if I didn't really have to. When I did call the midwife, she advised me to come in and see the OB on call (it was the day before Thanksgiving and the clinics were all closed, so she wouldn't be coming in). I really didn't want to, so I put it off a little longer. My friend made me a placenta smoothie (a quarter-size piece of the placenta in a strawberry smoothie to help stop bleeding and expel any retained placenta and clots. It was actually good - I couldn't taste the placenta. But it was a huge mental obstacle to get myself to drink it without gagging, just thinking about what it was).

I finally agreed to go to the hospital, and when I stood up I completely passed out. I was out for about 10 seconds, and when I came to my friend was calling out orders. I remember her telling someone to find me a sweater, and Dominic yelling that he didn't have any shoes! Everything was fuzzy as my friend and Dominic carried me downstairs. As soon as they opened the door, though, the cold air hit me and I was immediately awake. I felt great! But I was still losing blood as we walked. I was only wearing a sweatshirt - nothing else! They had my bottom half wrapped in a blanket. I wasn't even wearing socks or shoes! We left the baby with all of those at the house, since the car seat wasn't installed yet.

When we got to the emergency room they brought me to labor and delivery, where the on-call OB was expecting me. We explained what had happened. He was very nice, but forceful, and the things he did to me were excruciating. It was worse than labor and birth put together. He did bi-manual massage, with one hand inside me messing with my cervix, and the other hand on the outside of my uterus, pressing and squeezing to remove all the blood clots. It was awful. Many clots came out, though. After a few minutes he did it again, and in that short time my body had accumulated the same number of clots, so they gave me a shot of methergine.

The nurse was very nice. Her name was Julie. I'll never forget how wonderful and kind she was that whole day. She laughed at me when she gave me the shot, because I was such a baby about it. She said "You just had a baby at home and you're worried about a shot?!?" But the shot really hurt! I am a baby ;) The methergine didn't stop the bleeding and clotting so he did an ultrasound to check for retained placenta, and he found some. There was a piece still in that had adhered to the scar from my previous D&C. I was heartbroken. This meant I would need another D&C. But they got me in for surgery within the hour. A friend who had missed the birth but had come over afterwards to help clean up stopped by and brought Adrian so that he could nurse before I had surgery. Then he stayed with Dominic.

After surgery I felt good, although my throat was very sore and scratchy from the intubation, and I was still lightheaded when I got up. They were going to keep me overnight, but luckily the doctor that came on for the night shift seemed to want to get rid of me and let me go home that night. I recovered like normal. I had a tear that I never noticed after the OB pointed it out, and it didn't cause me any pain. It healed on its own. We decided on Adrian's name that first day in the hospital. He has been healthy and a wonderful nurser these last 5 and a half weeks. I can never fully express my gratitude to my wonderful friends and family who came and encouraged me during labor, photographed the birth, cleaned my bathroom and bedroom spotless after the birth, stayed with me for hours in the hospital and brought me Adrian. They are truly wonderful, and I can't imagine birthing without such a wonderful support system.

I don't know why I had retained placenta with Melody, and again this time. I don't know why I am severely anemic when pregnant. I don't know why my placentas break down and my body doesn't begin labor earlier. But once again, overcoming all those obstacles, I do know that my body is not a lemon. It labors and births babies perfectly, and I am so grateful to have gotten to experience 2 wonderful home births.

We are not planning on having any more babies, but if for some reason we did, given my history with bleeding problems, placenta retention, and scarring, I would still labor and birth at home and go to the hospital afterwards if necessary. Home birth is the right option for me. I know it isn't the right option for every woman, but I do wish that if anything I could just encourage other women to have faith in their bodies. To trust their inherent ability to birth. I am a wimp. If I can handle labor and birth, anyone can!

I'll end this with the inscription I included in Adrian's birth announcements. I did not write it, but I love it:

Adrian was born

without technology or instruments

with no assistance, by his mother's own power

in utter peace, in his own home

surrounded by love, safety, and warmth.

His entrance into the world

a testament

to the complete rightness of

birth in its purest form

Attachment Parenting is Beautiful, Except for When It Sucks

 
Attachment parenting.  I am afraid to blog about this because I admittedly have a love/hate relationship with it.

Be forewarned, this is just MY thoughts- others probably feel really differently.  Why am I talking about this?  Well, I think sometimes all we hear from attachment type mamas is roses and hearts and babies that never cry.  We all want to sound so loving and kind all the time that we leave out the parts we struggle with.

This is fine, there is nothing wrong with staying positive.  But it can make a mother who is struggling, really feel alone and like a failure when it looks like everybody else is just sailing through Perfect Parenthood 101.

And so, these are my personal experiences with both the pros AND the cons of attached parenting.  


Baby Wearing-

What I love about it-

I loved wearing my first baby.  When I went to the store he was always so content in his little pouch sling.  Everybody thought I had the happiest baby.  I loved it so much I sold slings for a while.  I gave them to every mama I knew at their baby showers.  It does seem to facilitate breastfeeding, being in touch with your babies needs, and encouraging mothering hormones.  My babies always seem content in their slings or pouches.

BUT-

The more babies I have had, the harder baby wearing has been for me.  I often walk for miles each day and there is not a carrier on the planet that makes it comfortable to wear a 20 pound baby for two miles walking much less a three mile run while pushing a double jogger and walking the dog.  I am not ashamed to admit that my stroller is a much loved possession.  I can't fathom why people hate strollers actually.  If I didn't have one I would have gone totally bonkers and been stuck at home for the many times I have had no car.   

Another thing I learned with one of my babies is that not all babies like to be worn in a sling.  I used to think that mom was just "doing it wrong" but the truth I discovered is this:  All babies are different.  Some really do seem to enjoy their own space.  I wouldn't have believed this if I hadn't had a baby like that, but it was shockingly true for me.

Plus the stroller doesn't make my back hurt.

Co-Sleeping-

People LOVE co-sleeping.  It is apparently some sign that you actually love your kids.  We have slept with all of our kids at one time or another, some for years, and others more sporadically.   It can be a wonderful relationship and can encourage some very sweet moments.

It does make breastfeeding easier, it does make it easy for nighttime bonding and for some babies it is the only way they sleep.

BUT-

I have had babies love this and others that simply will not settle next to me.  This is not a solution for every baby, in my experience.  Some of my babies didn't like sleeping with us until they were around the age of two.  Children don't always fit the books, even if they were written by Dr Sears.

Our family bed sometimes contains 6 people in a full size bed and is VERY friendly, very cramped and, frankly, pretty difficult to sleep in.  I realize that some mamas sleep better with the kids in the bed, but this isn't always the case for me.  I love the sweet cuddly moments, but I also like deep sleep and time with just my husband after a long day.

I often hear attached parents talk about how their sex life is still "great and exciting and spontaneous!!" even though there is always somebody else in their bed. 

Sex on a tile floor might sound like fun when you are 20 and newly married, but frankly, in your thirties, it is just painful.  The truth is, it CAN impact the sex life and intimacy.  My husband ends up on the couch frequently because we just run out of room on the bed.  Co-sleeping with babies can be lovely and sweet, but frankly, I sometimes miss cuddling with my hubby.  Yes, you can do both, but it isn't always as easy as some people make it out to be.     

Tandem Nursing-

I love breastfeeding and think it is worth any effort to make it work.  Really, I think it is one of the most important things you can do for your baby if possible.  The benefits are endless both for health and emotional well being. 

Photo courtesy of Mae Burke Photography in DFW

BUT-

My last pregnancy was unexpected and happened around the one year birthday of my third child.  She was still nursing like a champ and then suddenly- she wouldn't touch me.  I felt endlessly guilty.  I felt like I was taking away her babyhood.  But the more I tried the more strongly she refused.

I thought that I would be able to nurse her until she was "done" on her own, but I couldn't.  I am sure that the pregnancy changes caused her to prematurely wean.  Obviously some women are able to successfully do this- but some are not.  Also, the first week or so, when I was feeling ill and she still liked to nurse, was EXHAUSTING.  I wouldn't have quit because she was so young, but I don't blame any mom who does, especially if the baby is past a year. 

For me, I wouldn't get pregnant on purpose until my last baby had weaned themselves, just in case the older baby hated the milk changes that happen with pregnancy.

Attachment Parenting Past Infancy-

I don't even know what this means.  Really, I don't.  When I had a baby I thought newborns who scream for no obvious reason must be the hardest child to parent.  Then they got older.  My oldest is seven now, and I still don't know what I am doing.

Sometimes I think, "What a wonderful child!  Something is working!"

Other times I am sure I am failing all over the place.  I hear them say things I am sure they heard come out of my mouth and I worry for the future of mankind.

I don't think parenting is ever easy, but it is always changing.  No is a word I use a lot.  Time outs- done that.  Discussions- done that.  Yelling- umm.....no comment.

You know what I have found- NOTHING works all the time.  I hear people saying that peaceful parenting doesn't work and I hear people saying that spanking doesn't work.  Frankly, I can't think of anything that is 100% fool proof and  works for every child all the time.

Children are not a test and applying a "technique" isn't going to always do the trick.  Beyond that, I just can't say that what I am doing is working- because guess what- MY OLDEST IS ONLY SEVEN!  Ask me in 40 years how it worked, and I will let you know. 

***

I love my babies so much and I try to give them all the love they need.  I love the idea of the perfect attached parent.  Sadly, I have found that sometimes I just can't do it the way it seems it should be done.  Maybe this is because I have had the babies too close together, or because I don't get enough sleep, or because I need more help.  Maybe it is because I am not patient enough or because babies don't all fit in any certain box.

Whatever it is, I am trying.  I need to try harder too.  I hope that we all are and I hope we can find some balance that gives the kids a loving sense of presence, the ability to be independent and grow, and leaves time and space for a happy and healthy marriage and mother.  Good luck.  I know I need all the luck I can get.

(I need to give some love to Confessions of a High-heel Wearing Hippie Mommy whose post got me thinking.  Check her out!)

Trauma and Healing, 2 Birth Stories- What Happens After The Birth Matters

A beautiful journey for a family.  I love that these babies were healthy- and that the story shows how post-partum care and experience impact the family unit.  

Enjoy!

My two freestanding birth center births
 
(My birth stories, as I originally wrote them, are at www.greenhousebirthcenter.com : Elijah and Rowan)

About a year before I became pregnant, I started researching this whole pregnancy and birth "thing". I'm an avid researcher when it comes to things that interest me and considering such a life changing event certainly had my attention! Mothering magazine was my doorway into natural birthing/parenting. A fellow co-worker at the time told me about the birth center in Okemos, MI. It was 5 minutes away from work!

My husband and I went to an info meeting and fell in love with the place. One of my clear, defining moments of choosing an out-of-hospital birth was when my family doctor told me she'd attend the birth IF she was on call. Not only do I have trust issues with medical personnel, but I've never seen a male doctor. The thought of a male stranger coming in to poke around my private parts was too much for me!

Also, what I wanted the birth to be like and what I was learning hospital birth usually was like, I could see I'd have quite the fight on my hands. I decided fighting while in labor wasn't very attractive sounding. When I got my positive pregnancy test in March '08, I made my first prenatal appt. at the birth center two weeks later. (Note: To my knowledge, Greenhouse Birth Center is the ONLY freestanding birth center in Michigan currently).

My pregnancy went without a hitch. I had some emotional, family issues to deal with (worrying about offending my mom about not wanting her in the birthing room, etc). I loved going to my prenatals and having an hour to talk and get to know the midwives there. At that time, the midwife apprentice was a woman I graduated high school with! We'd known each other since Pre-K and were even in band together. What a way to reconnect! :)

The midwives don't pressure about any routine testing; they simply give the families the info and let us decide what we want to do. We opted for the 20 week ultrasound, normal bloodwork was done, and GBS test (which I was negative). We had to move when I was about 35 weeks. Not recommended! The upside was that we were now a 20 minute drive instead of a 40 minute drive from GBC.

I have some mommy friends who have never made a due date. With an EDD of Nov. 18, I tried to be mentally ready that the baby could come in early November. I had enjoyed my pregnancy A LOT and, other than peeing every hour and having trouble getting comfortable in bed in the last couple of months, I felt great! My EDD came and went. I joked about having a "Turkey Baby" around Thanksgiving. That holiday came...and went.

I refused to make plans with family for Thanksgiving dinner, in case the baby was here or I was in labor. Since neither were the case, my husband (Chad) went to his family's Thanksgiving. He was physically cornered by an aunt and uncle demanding that I should be induced-it was for the good of the baby. THANK GOODNESS I wasn't there for that! He stood his ground, informing them we were waiting for baby to come on his own.

FINALLY, on November 30 I lost my mucus plug (the couple days before, I was having VERY loose bm's, but didn't realize what exactly that meant until later). Nothing else happened that day, just some cramping, but I kept the midwives informed that it should be soon! December 1 (a Monday) came and I felt the same when Chad left for work just before 6am. Chad called me every couple of hours, on his breaks, to see what my progress was.

At 8am I noticed a pattern forming with the cramps and called GBC to let them know. I slept for 1.5 hours but was up and moving with contractions by the time Chad called at 10am. Sometime between 10am and 11:30am, I started making some noises and moaning with the contractions. I will say here that my contractions, throughout the whole labor, never hurt me. They took my attention and focus, but even in the later stages, it was never PAIN and never surpassed the intensity of my menstrual cramps (which had been BAD).

I told Chad to come home at the 11:30am call and then went back to bed. For some reason, neither of us remember the next 1.5 hours (well, I was sleeping again) but just before 1:30pm, I asked Chad to start timing contractions. When laying down, I could tell they were stronger and more intense. He never told me they were 3-4 minutes apart! About 30 minutes later, I had a contraction that was over 2 minutes long. I decided I didn't want to do this at home and alone anymore! We notified GBC, packed up our food to take, and drove there. What a drive! :P We had to drive over a road horribly in need of repair and that was NOT fun! I don't tend to talk much once I hit active labor and that was one of the requests I made of my husband: "Could you drive in the OTHER lane!?" (said more desperately, not angry) We arrived at 3pm.

Greenhouse Birth Center's birthing area has a kitchenette set up with two bedrooms leading off, the peach room and the green room. I about flew to the green room when we got there. The apprentice took my bp and listened to the baby. She then left us to get settled. I knew I wanted in the tub eventually, but walked around and did other labor positions first. About 1.5 hours later, I asked for the tub to be filled. I immediately felt relief from the intensity of things and could really relax! With the water I kept drinking, I had to get out 2-3 times for bathroom runs.

I didn't like to though! I just wanted to stay, reclining, in the water. During one such bathroom break my water broke on the toilet at the peak of a contraction. My body started pushing soon after that. I realized later that most waterbirths I'd seen videos of (that I borrowed) had the women reclining so that's what I was doing. My transition period consisted of contractions that caught me off guard. I'm guessing they were 30 seconds apart, if that. The midwives and apprentice were in the room by then and were knitting.

My eyes were closed most of the time and I was surprised to "suddenly" see them in there. A couple of times, my eyes sought out the midwife who was in my line of sight. I was a little concerned about the contractions being so close and if that was normal. I only had to catch her eye and she smiled reassuringly at me. That helped to calm me and realize that I was o.k. I didn't realize until after the birth that this had been transition for me.

After about an hour of my body pushing (I'd recline between contractions, but need Chad's help to sit up during them), one of the midwives came to me and suggested that a position change could help him come a bit sooner. In my mind I was resistant to that but when the next one came, my body threw itself over the side of the tub and into a kneeling squat. I remember, at the time, it seemed like the pain was just unbearable, but now I think it was mostly the pressure that I didn't know how to cope with in the moment.

I remember feeling very much "in the moment"; I felt like I had always been pushing and would always be pushing-I couldn't help but push. I was pushing during and in between contractions. My midwives helped me to focus on taking my break whenever I could get it and saving my strength. There's a wall-hanging in the green room that a "GBC alumni" had sewn that reads "I am not afraid; I was born to do this-Joan of Arc".

I was able to look directly at that over Chad's shoulder and, whenever a sliver of self-doubt came into my mind and I felt like I simply couldn't do it anymore (about every other contraction at that point), that wall hanging brought my determination to the forefront of my mind. I think Chad was saying encouraging things to me too, but I honestly don't remember what he said. 20 minutes after the position change, Elijah was born at 9:08pm, after 13 hours of labor. I brought him up out of the water and just stared at him!

All the pain and pressure and work was done; my baby!! I couldn't even take it in! I felt like I was in a dream and waiting to wake up. My mind couldn't hardly process that I was seeing him for the first time. His cord was still pulsing when the placenta was born, so we have pictures of us holding Elijah while the placenta floats in a bowl in the tub. :) When the cord was cut we got into bed, he nursed for a few minutes and I got sewn up (2nd degree tear) while my family made me homemade potato soup for my after birth meal. He was 8lbs 4oz and 20.5". He was born during a Michigan snow storm and, by the time most families leave the birth center (4-6 hours on average), the roads were very bad and icy. We got to stay the night with the apprentice in the next room if we needed anything.

The following 2 weeks weren't quite so perfect. After much discussing with our midwives, we think that the way I brought him out of the water (not face down) caused some water to get into his lungs. The following morning, a midwife came to check on us before we went home and she found Elijah breathing about 100bpm-so fast he couldn't even latch on to nurse. After hours of observing and talking, we opted to take him to the hospital to get checked out. He ended up in our region's NICU. It was a nightmare 12 days for us.

He was 5 days old before I could nurse him again-thank God we had very little nursing trouble after we got home, mostly had to work on his latch due to the bottles of expressed milk and the pacifiers they gave him. :P We were scolded, bullied, and made to feel like bad parents if we didn't do as the doctors wanted to do. We were yelled at by a doctor when we hesitated about a spinal tap they wanted to perform. We chose to not circ. Elijah and I was very paranoid that, without us there 24/7, they would do it anyway without our consent. We had to tell EVERY nurse and doctor that we DIDN'T want him cut.

I didn't realize the emotional trauma this had on me until about 6 months later. A friend posted pictures of her newborn daughter on Facebook. I was o.k. looking at the pictures of them in the hospital. It was the pictures of them at home with the baby that made me break down. I was so distraught (looking at pics at midnight with a sleeping husband and baby), that I reached out to one of the midwives who then told me about the on-line "village" group of GBC women. I was able to post about my emotions and confusion, guilt and embarrassment.

I received about 15-20 responses in 2 days from the other women, most sharing their own painful pregnancy/birth journeys, a few expressing empathy and prayers. They helped me to accept my emotions and let me know I was normal for feeling this way-I was just starting to process what we went through and working through those emotions was a big step for healing. For a long time, pictures of newborns (2 weeks old or less) at home/with relatives were my emotional trigger. I think Elijah was approaching 18 months or so before that stopped being the case.

When Elijah was 1 year old, we both wanted to have another baby at GBC to help heal our hearts from the NICU tramua. We wanted another chance to have an empowering birth and then get to bring the baby home. I didn't start ovulating until Elijah was 16.5 months. I was charting this time and, even though it drove me crazy some of the time, I'm ultimately glad that I did it. It helped me get to know my body better and feel more in tune with it. Middle of July came and nursing suddenly hurt, similar to when Elijah was teething.

A week later, I started feeling nauseous on and off. Going by my chart, and keeping track of my symptoms, I was more convinced each day that I was pregnant. My first test with Elijah was negative, so I chose to wait until Day 20 to take a test. It was a positive. I knew it would be, but it was still a bit of a shock to see it in blue and white. My first thought was "Yes, the charting was right!". My second thought was "What have I done to Elijah!?"

My second pregnancy, like the first, went just fine. It was more tiring caring for a toddler while in the 1st trimester-I couldn't nap all day! I showed MUCH earlier this time and wondered if twins were in there. I was so happy to go back to the birth center with a "reason" for being there regularly. I ended up teaching a childbirth informational class at my church that winter and had "Business of Being Born" and "My Baby, My Body, My Birth" from GBC's library to show to the women.

Elijah got hooked on birth movies! :) He would request to watch them and would be SO EXCITED when the births were happening. Chad and I had agreed that, at just shy of 2.5 years old when the baby came, Elijah would not be at this birth. His reaction to the birth movies made me wonder if we should let him be there. Fortunately, our foresight proved correct this time! Also, my Vit. K levels were borderline low, so I had more blood drawn this time than last time. Other than that, we stuck with our 20 week u/s and the GBS test, which I was negative for again.

Throughout this pregnancy, I fought with the fear of a repeat of the last time: what would we do if the baby needed to go to the hospital again!? How could we make sure to make the right decision and not be obstinate about it if the baby needed to be there? I cried about this fear quite a few times, once in the middle of a women's bible study at church. Whenever I expressed this fear, my mom would go on about "he's so healthy", "every thing's o.k. now", "it was so long ago". Didn't help me much! Talking with the midwives and other moms did help a bit.

Also, very early in the pregnancy I invited my sister (single and childless) to the birth to be part of my labor support. As my pregnancy progressed, it became obvious that this had been a mistake. I had a lot of emotional anxiety surrounding this issue and finally, at 37 weeks, I told her I needed her more for Elijah-watching and would she just stay with him instead of worrying about coming with me to GBC (her "preparations" had been talking with women who had hospital births and assuming I'd be in a bad mood so that she was prepared to not take anything I said personally). I had chiropractic care throughout this pregnancy and that helped a lot! It's most likely why I had such a fast labor also.

My husband and I did a belly cast at 38w6d and I had a blessing ceremony the next day that was so great and encouraging. 2 days (Tuesday) after my blessing, it REALLY hurt to get up/sit down/move. I felt like a grapefruit was in my pelvis that I had to move around and it was VERY uncomfortable. On Wednesday, my body started cleaning itself out, just like last time. On Thursday I had a prenatal and the midwife confirmed that baby was "right down in there."

Friday I had a chiropractic adjustment. I complained about wanting this baby out of me! I was expecting to go to at least 40.5 weeks-I'd felt most of the time that this baby would come a bit sooner than Elijah had. When she was done adjusting me, she said my hips had been rotated in opposite directions, not up and forward like they had been. She told me that the next 24 hours tended to be "eventful" for women who presented like I did.

We had dinner with a friend and gave him the update and the possible scenario of me starting labor at his place the next day (during a movie get together with friends). We got our last minute stuff at the store and I strung my labor necklace with beads received from my blessing. At ~3:30am Saturday morning (April 9), I had a strong braxton hicks contraction while on the toilet and some of my mucus plug came out! "Here we go!", I thought. Another bathroom run and more mucus a little later.

At 7am, another bathroom run, more mucus, and a very low, crampy and kind of painful contraction-MUCH lower than the braxton hicks had been! It took a couple minutes to wake Chad up enough (without waking Elijah) for him to register the words "early labor". We got up when Elijah woke up a short while later. I told him, "I think the baby's coming today. Are you excited?" He seemed to think about it for a minute, then looked at me with a huge grin and exclaimed "Yeah!!"

I started making calls (labor support friend-Bethany, GBC, my sister (failed) and my mom) while Chad got breakfast around. I called my mom about 8:20am. I could talk fine during contractions but had to REALLY sway my hips and walk during them. I tried to time them and they seemed about 5 minutes apart-I thought I was doing it wrong! I went up for a shower about 8:45am. I never thought to try it with Elijah's labor and the hot water really did feel good on my sacrum and lower belly.

At 9:15am, I was mostly dressed and Chad was telling his mom I was in labor and NO, we didn't want anyone at the birth center while I labored. He and Elijah got in the shower around 9:30am and, shortly after that, I had to make noises during a couple contractions. I was actually feeling some discomfort during these and the ones I moaned through were painful enough that I couldn't help it. I tried the hands and knees position once and had to get up immediately-it made me feel sick to my stomach! I told Chad to hurry, that I was making noises to cope with contractions now. I was listening to my Celtic music on Chad's ipod. It took us almost an hour to finally leave. I called my mom to let her know we were dropping off Elijah. They didn't expect to have to watch him so soon!

My contractions picked up a bit: I had 2 contractions outside before we left for my parents 1 mile away, none on the ride thank goodness, and 3 or so while dropping Elijah off at about 10:20am and left about 10 minutes later. We called GBC to let them know we were coming and the midwife called us back. She said she wasn't even dressed yet (it was only a couple hours since we last called her!); we had to give her time to get to the birth center.

We decided to stop by our church for one last bead for my necklace. It's only 10 minutes from the birth center anyway. Thankfully, I had only 2 contractions in the car and just about fell asleep between them. During them, it hurt so much! I couldn't move in the car and had to put all my energy into the noises I was making. In the 15-20 minutes we were at church I had at least 6 contractions, maybe a couple more. We left church with Bethany following us to GBC. I remember looking at the clock-it was 11:15am when we left. I had 2-4 contractions on the ride there.

We arrived at 11:25am. The contractions were very painful and about on top of each other now. I had one in car while Chad was parking, one in the doorway of GBC with Clarice supporting me, one in the kitchen over the table, 2 in the green room (Clarice got to listen to baby's heartbeat once). While Chad was looking for my tank top for me to wear in the tub (which was filling) I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, I started ripping my clothes off.

Just as I took off my labor necklace another contraction hit. Chad came in to support me and the contraction ended with a grunt. I saw a spurt of water and thought, "Shouldn't there be more?" Clarice flew in there and was ready in case the baby started to be born right then. I was thinking, "I'm not ready for this!!" over and over. I voiced that once. Chad made me look at him and said firmly, "You CAN do this!" He said the power of those few words amazed him. The look on my face went from scared to birth warrior mode in about a second.

My body pushed powerfully and I felt him come down/crown/head born/start to cry. My body stood up when I felt him move through me, but I was hanging on to Chad's belt and pulling down on it (so, yes, I was bent over but it didn't feel awkward at the time). I screamed him out, a scream that scared Chad a lot! Bethany had brought the cake pan of birth supplies to Clarice and was in the doorway watching us. Chad said she was an emotional support to him right then because he thought something was wrong with me for me to make such a noise as that!

Clarice reminded me to breathe and I took very rapid, deep breaths to keep from pushing. The next contraction came and I felt the shoulders, torso, thighs, legs all come out. I screamed that unearthly scream again, each body part making the octave go up. I was looking down and saw ALL this fluid splash everywhere right after the baby came out. I'd thought that perhaps this baby was a girl and was surprised when Chad exclaimed, "It's a boy!!!!!??" Clarice somehow handed him to me and I sat on the toilet in a daze.

He was born at 11:35am, 10 minutes after we got there! There was one loose loop of cord around his neck. The second midwife was still on her way! They usually take labor/birth pictures at Greenhouse, but there was no one and no time for that. Chad took pictures throughout my labor and right after he was born. He even got a short video when Rowan Christopher was about 1 minute old. His entire labor was 4.5 hours long! When I tell moms this, I can tell the ones who probably had pain meds with the ones who didn't by their reaction. Most say, "Hey, that must've been nice!" and I say "Oh no, I preferred the 13 hour labor!" :)

I was pampered by the other midwives, when they arrived, and the postpartum doula who kept tabs on us. Rowan nursed for 2 hours straight! The placenta was born while I was in bed and we waited for him to be done nursing so Chad could cut the cord. Finally, at the 1.5 hour mark, Clarice told Chad to go for it since Rowan wasn't stopping anytime soon. :) He was awake for a little while after that, but fell asleep sometime mid-afternoon and didn't wake until 4:30am the next morning! I got sewn up again and had my herbal bath. He weighed 7lbs 2oz and was 19.5". When we were ready (took us about 6 hours to name him!) my parents and sister brought Elijah to meet his new brother. Being frank with my sister, I told her it was a good thing she wasn't there for the birth-I thought it might've scared her from ever having kids because it was so fast and intense. Her eyes got wide and I think she was glad too! :) Maybe next time, solely as an observer....

Knowing our concern with his breathing, Clarice kept a close watch on his respiration's and everything was great! We packed them up and headed home about 6:30pm-ish. We stopped by our friend's place (we'd called them earlier) to surprise them with a first look at Rowan and first account of the birth. All 3 were amazed at the birth story and at the fact we were going home already!

I can't put into words what healing went on in my heart during those 2 weeks after Rowan's birth. I spent most of my time in bed (or on the couch to greet friends bringing food) having him skin to skin a lot of the time. Almost each day of the first week, I remembered where we'd been at with Elijah and how different it was this time!

Only once did I cry over it; tears of happiness of the bonding I was having with Rowan along with tears of sadness for what I'd missed out on with Elijah. I can now think about Elijah's first weeks in the world with some regret and sadness, but not with the heartbrokeness I'd had before. Both births were empowering to me as a mother and woman, but the aftermath of the births were important too. I'm so grateful to God that he gave us another baby to be a brother to Elijah and to help heal us from our previous experience. We're considering homebirth, if we can get a house; homebirth and sharing walls with neighbors doesn't set well with either of us. We're not done having kids and I look forward to welcoming our future children into the same loving environment.