The Undeniable Appeal of "Baby Wise"

I had one of those moments today.

You know the kind.  The "mom" moment when you scream inside your head, or maybe out-loud, because you suddenly couldn't give another thing to anybody else without watching your own head explode. 

It was around 3 o'clock pm when it all went down and I had just sat down to eat a hot lunch.  (Warmed leftovers that nobody else wanted.  You know me- I only get the best!)  As soon as I sit down my daughter comes up and wants her hair done.  She has a brush and rubber bands and even a mirror.

With my lunch balanced on my lap, a crawling baby behind me, and a little girl with her hair hanging over my food, I of course...oblige.  Maybe I am a pleaser at heart.  Maybe I am a shining example of a selfless mother.  Maybe I just have a hard time saying no.

Well, you can imagine what happened next. 

Some child opened the door leading out to the deck, the baby crawled out to the edge, someone else bumped me, and my lunch went crashing all over the just swept floor.

I think I actually cried.  I was irritated.  It was really just an accident but for freaks sake- I WAS HUNGRY.  Everybody else had been fed food that they didn't appreciate and didn't finish.  I finally take 10 minutes to eat something myself and I end up feeding it to the dog and cleaning the floor- AGAIN.

And that my friends, is my long introduction to why I see the undeniable appeal of "Baby Wise."

I have heard awful things about "Baby Wise".  Really awful.  Dead babies.  Starving babies.  Cruel parents.

But, since I had never read it, I didn't really feel like I could take an educated stance on the book so I picked it up second hand and started to read it.

Honestly, it gives me a creepy feeling.  It really does.

I don't like books or people that put the mother and her child in an adversarial position.  I don't like the word "train" in relation to babies.  I don't like feeding "schedules" and I really hate it when people say that breastfeeding has no benefit after a year of age (pg 73).  Somebody talking about "control" continuously when it comes to children- even NEWBORNS?!  What the heck is wrong with this picture?

"Baby Wise" does all these things.  And I can see how it WOULD lead to dead babies and starving babies and parents who shut down their basic mom instincts to follow a protocol thought up by a man who has never breastfed and never been a woman or a mother and who obviously doesn't know the first thing about the mother child dyad or the nursing relationship.

"Baby Wise" also uses fictional characters (introduced on page 20) to illustrate the horrible things that happen when you don't follow their protocol and the obvious benefits if you do.  This simply doesn't stand up to any scientific scrutiny, but it is scary as all get out if you are considering feeding your child on cue more often than every 3 hours or dissenting from the program.  These fictional characters are convincing even if they are not based in fact.    

The book calls co-sleeping "passively abusive" (page 59)  and recommends not nursing, rocking or swinging your baby to sleep claiming that such are manipulative and may cause children to bang their heads rhythmically (for reals!). 

The book claims that babies can and therefore should sleep through the night by around 8 weeks of age (pg 53).  It encourages mothers to nurse a slow to grow baby on a STRICT 2 1/2 hour schedule, but go to 3 hours and add formula if this 2 1/2 hour schedule doesn't work (page 93).  There is a lot of mention of a strict feeding schedule "stabilizing metabolism" but no sources cited for this claim (page 101).  Chapter 7, which covers the "routine" I found to be somewhat confusing and rather strict (though there is much talk about being flexible.) 

Did I mention they make fun of baby-wearing (page 159)?  They even compare circumcision to the PKU heel prick (pg 165).  

All in all, I personally disagree with many of the claims of this book and I do see how the practices included could harm babies if followed and even harden a mother's heart and encourage her to ignore her intuition.

I disagree because my few years of mothering have taught me otherwise.  I disagree because much of it is intuitively repulsive to me.  I disagree because the way I view the mother/child relationship and particularly the mother/infant relationship is very different than those of the author.  I wouldn't do this schedule because I am not really a strictly scheduled person myself.  It doesn't fit my personality and my four babies have shown me that the schedule a baby ends up on is often related to their personality.

Not only that, despite the fact that I am a Christian, my views on what that entails in the realm of parenting is different than those of the author.  I believe that God has given divine gifts to women so that they can mother.  I believe that He will guide me through prayer and through my feelings as to what each individual child I have needs at that given moment.  A strict "all the same" schedule does not jive with my views on the ability of God to guide our lives and our responses individually.

So what about the APPEAL of Baby Wise?  What about my little "woe is me" story that I opened this lengthy post up with?

What surprised me when I started reading the book was that I honestly and truly AGREED with some of it.

Go ahead.  Tell me you hate me.

Let's talk about what I thought was true in this book-

I actually do believe that the most important thing I can give my children is a happy, stable, family with a mother and father who love each other and love all their children.  I believe this is more important than pretty much anything else we can do.  It is the reason I try to have a good marriage despite how difficult it can be (pg 19).

I believe that sometimes parents focus so much on the baby or children that they forget about their spouse, themselves, and sometimes even the other children.  I don't believe that this is good in the long run for anybody (pg 21). 

I believe that we should continue dating our spouse after children come (pg 27). 

I agree with him that not every cry is a request for food or the breast (pg 34).

In fact, I even agree with what Ezzo claims are his basic premises, "First, we believe that when a woman becomes a mother, she doesn't stop being a wife, daughter, sister, friend or neighbor.  Second, our conviction is that a baby should be fed when he or she signals readiness." 

Shall I make you hate me even more?

I also believe he is right- sometimes so called "Attachment Parenting" does yield overwhelmed, overtired mothers with a suffering marriage and a very "me centered" child.

In full disclosure, sometimes I feel like that mom is me.  That is why I told that story in the beginning of this post.  Sometimes I, probably like some of you, give to my kids to the point that I don't even take time to eat.  And sometimes my children, frankly, act kind of bratty and even selfish. 

In those moments I realize that something has gotten out of wack.

You know, there is a lot in this book that I disagree with at a very gut level, and other stuff that just rubs me the wrong way, and other claims that he makes that I believe are scientifically false. 

But there is some truth in it, and that is why it resonates with people.  That is why it resonated with ME.  

I would NEVER recommend this book to anybody.  The truth is so tightly wrapped in some ugly lies that it is really difficult to sort things out if you are not a confident mother.

I remember being a very insecure mother.  I remember being a mother to my first child.

I was committed to an attachment style of parenting.  But I really didn't know anything about babies.  I couldn't read my baby.  No matter what was going on, I tried to feed him.  Sometimes he would SCREAM at the breast.  But all I knew to do was nurse.  I couldn't read his cues.  I couldn't tell when he was just tired, or needed to burp, or even just needed to be left alone.  It was absolutely mind boggling.

I also lost myself in parenting.  I think that selflessness and sacrifice are beautiful things- and I think they can purify us and teach us.  But I also know now that a woman needs balance.

But I didn't sleep for two years and I didn't know what I was doing and I literally felt crazy.

I understand why somebody would want to avoid that and I understand the appeal of something that promises you can, and couches it in Biblical importance.  

We who embrace the tenets of attachment parenting must realize that sometimes people take that method (attachment) to unhealthy levels too.  Some do let their marriage fail.  Some do forget about their own basic needs.  Some act like setting any kind of boundary for a child is some kind of abuse, rather than a healthy framework that makes a child feels safe and loved.

I wish that women didn't need books in order to raise their babies and children in a healthy, loving, but balanced way.  I wish we could give but recognize our own needs.  I wish we could be perfect, confident, and fabulous all the time.  But we aren't always.

Is this book capable of being dangerous when taken too literally or to the extreme?  Most definitely. 

But I have to be honest- sometimes attachment parenting TOO can be taken to extremes or to the point where the family, or the mother, or even the child suffers.

This book, "On Becoming Baby Wise" doesn't really teach wisdom.  But it does have some truth in it.

Babies like routine.  (I believe this IS true.)  I also think they will quickly make a routine.

Babies need a loving family that loves each other and them.

Babies need a mother who takes care of herself and the other people she loves and who herself is nurtured in her relationships.

Mothers sometimes do need help finding the wisdom in motherhood or learning to read and understand their babies.  It can be a long, hard road.

I wish I could tell you exactly how to do it.  I wish I could write a book with a schedule and some rules that worked for every family and every baby-

But I can't.  And I don't think you should trust anybody who says they can.

I hope and pray that we can find our own wisdom in our own families and our own babies and our own hearts.  I think we CAN become baby wise, but I don't think it comes from strict adherence to any tenants from any book.

I think it comes with time.  It comes with sacrifice and learning and openness to re-assess.  Wisdom comes as we recognize our limits, accept our imperfections, and find a balance between our needs and the needs of all those that love us.

We are wise.  We can find this.  We can be happy and we can raise happy children and have husbands who also feel loved.  But this journey is never easy or cut and dried.  It is a journey.  Let's find our way, listen to our instincts, and love our babies and ourselves through the process. 

The Bro Post- How Dad Can Help The Laboring Woman

(Umm, this website is hilarious. )

Hey guys.

If you are anything like my husband you simply HATE having a woman tell you what to do.  I wish I could pretend I was a bro or something, but I can't.  But I CAN give you some tips for the laboring woman that will help her still like you after the baby is born so you can keep "playing" with her. 

So, even though I am decidedly not a dude, there might be some useful things for you below. 

I have noticed something about women as I have talked to them and watched them take their journeys into motherhood.  

~They almost ALL want their partner to be an important part of the birth process.

~Women don't always know how to tell a man how or what he can do to help.

~And lastly, she will remember (and maybe even bring it up again in the future) what you did or didn't do when she was in labor.  (OK, I admit, I harbored a grudge against my husband for a long time for believing in the laundry fairy after I had our first child.  I have since let it go.  Kind of.)

With that introduction (and threats of future mood swings and dirty looks if you don't pay attention right now) here are some tips for the dad with a partner giving birth. 

1)  STAY CALM-

For real, this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do.  My hubby was calm during my labors with all of our children (except one, but that is a different story) and it was the best gift he could have given me.  I hear of dads who freak out, can't handle things (especially if the birth takes a turn towards heavy intervention) or start focusing on THEIR stress while mama is in labor. 

Don't do that.  For one, it is annoying.  For two, your calm presence is a gift that helps HER feel more confident in herself. Women in labor are very open to suggestion.  Your stress will feed hers and impact her labor and birth experience. 


2)  Give her sips of water after every contraction in hard labor-

Have a cup or bottle ready, full of her favorite labor drink, (water, herbal tea with honey, coconut water, Recharge) with a BENDY STRAW in it.  (The bendy straw is important!)  Don't ask, just hold it up to her lips after she finishes a contraction. 

This will help her labor efficiently because she is hydrated and it will give her energy and it is extremely helpful. 

3)  Don't ask questions-

Questions are annoying in labor.  You should know what to do.  They also denote panic.  This inhibits number 1.  Birthing should be an instinctual, almost animalistic experience.  Having to use your logical brain to answer questions inhibits this.

How will you know what to do?  Read number 4.

4)  Take a birth class with her-

Yes, you are busy and freaking out about having a new baby too.  But taking a birth class with her will make her feel better and loving towards you, and it will also benefit YOU big time.

In my experience most men really WANT to help and be a part of the process.  Sadly, life doesn't always prepare them for this.  A good birth class that focuses on dad and his role and SPECIFIC things he can do to help is invaluable.  (I suggest Birth Boot Camp classes.  They are really good.  I admit to a personal bias, but still, I wouldn't lie to you.)  A hospital class rarely fills this need.  

Knowing what is going on and how to help her will also help you stay calm.

5)  Don't fall asleep or make it about you-

This seems obvious, but it isn't. 

Nothing makes me want to rip off my husbands......tongue, more than listening to him complain about his aches and pains when I am 9+ months pregnant and 50 pounds overweight. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am ALL about women taking care of their men and being kind and nurturing the relationship.

But if she is in labor and you are complaining about how you hurt or how tired you are, well....don't say I didn't warn you.

If you take a class it should help you learn when to sleep (early labor for both mom and dad) so that you hopefully still have some energy when you are in late labor.

6)  Compliment her to others-

This sets a tone for the labor personnel.  You don't have to tell her she looks skinny, but "She is doing a great job" or "She is laboring beautifully" can make her feel confident when she doesn't and also prevents the staff from saying things like "She looks tired.  Do you want an epidural?" because nobody argues with a compliment. 

7)  Run interference-

Mom should never have to ask for a different nurse or tell mom or cousin to leave.  Dad gets to do this stuff AND he needs to do it in a quiet, non-confrontational way so that it doesn't disrupt the labor zone.

She also shouldn't have to stand up for herself or continually remind staff about things on the birth plan.  If people keep offering pain medication and she doesn't want it- then ask them to stop.  If people talk loud, disrupt her or are wearing irritating perfume, it is your job to take care of it.  

8)  Be aware of smells-

Women are aware of smell in labor like they were in the first trimester.  Breath mints are a good idea (gum smacking makes somebody in labor want to smack you) but smelly fish sandwiches are a bad idea.  Be thoughtful of her wants and needs.  It may irritate her too if you eat in front of her if she isn't "allowed" to eat. 


9)  Doula-

Think of a doula as a helper for YOU too-  This is a person who can remind you what you know, can spell you if you need to pee or eat an energy bar, and who can be supportive for everybody involved.  This isn't something that everybody wants or needs- but if it is something she wants- it will benefit you too.

10)  Be respectful of her wishes-

This covers lots of subjects-

The birth experience is important for the whole family.  Mom however is the one who will be giving birth.  If something is really important to her (like a home birth or a class or going medication free) then at least consider all these things, don't mock them, and be thoughtful!  Discuss her thoughts, listen, learn, and listen some more. 

Sometimes it seems a lot "easier" to just get the epidural for dad.  Everybody in the room can kind of just sit back as the epidural takes care of the pain.  But if mom WANTS you to be her comfort, don't chicken out and encourage her to get it.  Remember how important it was to her BEFORE the birth if she changes her mind IN labor.  Remember- a prepared woman asking for pain relief is probably almost done with labor or just needs your support! 

Sometimes what seems like the "easy" or "comfortable" option will come back to haunt you.  Women often talk about being sad that their partner didn't respect their wishes or didn't stand up for them.  This can be really hard if you are part of the medical machine- but it is imperative that you do it.  A woman in labor is literally in a different place in her mind than she ever has been before.  She really needs you to help her, stand up for her, and be her advocate so that she can just labor. 

11)  Some obvious extras-

Get off the phone/computer/TV.  Birth is THE family experience.  Be present.

She might poop.  Probably no worse than yours so don't consider it gross- consider it payback for that time you played "covered wagons."

Listen.  Some women like touch, some talk, some just to be alone.  Respect whatever it is she needs and go with it.

Labor can be loud- moaning, screaming, grunting- just go with it.  It doesn't mean she is in pain it can just be a coping mechanism.

Dads- one thing I know- YOU CAN DO THIS.  I have seen blood phobic men be fabulous partners or timid men stand up for their woman.   Macho guys can be sensitive and tender.  Whatever it is she needs from you- you are capable of delivering it-  if you prepare yourself.

Good luck-

 

~A PAINLESS Birth~

It never ceases to amaze me how different each woman experiences labor.  This mother had a quick and painless birth of her fifth child.  This is truly an awesome story!  

Plus I know it can be OVERWHELMING when you are in the middle of mothering a bunch of little ones.  This story (with her last three babies in the span of about two years) gives hope to you moms in the trenches!  

Enjoy!

In March 2009 I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with my fifth baby. At the time, I had a 7 year old, 4 year old, 20 month old, and a 6 month old! I was shocked and scared, but started making plans.

I had my first four in the hospital with varying degrees of intervention. I decided my fifth baby should be born at home, and immediately found my midwife, who helped me choose an EDD of October 21. (I was nursing and had not yet resumed my periods, so we didn't know when the baby should be here.)

Fast forward to October of 2009. Contractions every night but no active labor in sight. I was huge, exhausted, and uncomfortable. I spent my days running after my kids, the youngest two had just turned one and two years old. We had also just moved into a bigger home. I was depressed, thinking my baby would never, ever, EVER be born. Finally I asked my midwife to check if I had any progress. On October 26th, I was 7cm dilated with waters bulging but still not actively laboring!

The morning of October 27th, I woke up and everything was different. The sun was shining after weeks of clouds and rain. The autumn colors were spectacular. It was a really good day to be alive. I laid in bed and looked at the trees outside and was just .... happy.

I stood up and felt the weirdest sensation ever. The baby had engaged, something my first four had never done. At that moment, I knew, just KNEW, that I would have a baby today.

I got the kids dressed and we went to the fabric store to get material to make the baby a hat. Then we puttered around the house the rest of the day. My grandma called around 7:30pm and told me her birth stories. I remember saying "There's no way I'm having a baby today." But I still knew the baby was coming.

Contractions started around 8:30pm. They were spaced out; anywhere from 8-25 minutes apart. They were strong but not painful. I got out of bed and walked around and then got in the bathtub. My husband called the midwife and doula around 9:15pm. Contractions were still strong and getting closer, but sporadic. I timed them and found they were coming every 2-8 minutes. I could feel the head pressing on my perineum, but no urge to push. So I got out of the tub and back into the bedroom.

The midwife arrived around 10:00pm. I was on my bed, butt in the air, feeling my baby slide down and trying to keep it in. The midwife's hands were so cool and soft as she touched my back to let me know she was there. The doula was still a good 40 minutes away. My midwife asked if I'd like to be checked and I said yes. She checked me, and that was the only painful part, laying on my back. I was 10cm and waters bulging. Suddenly, as she withdrew her hand, my water BURST everywhere, a huge splash. At that moment I had to use the bathroom. I mean, I HAD TO GO NOW. I leaped out of bed, as fast as a fully dilated pregnant woman can, and literally ran down the stairs. My midwife chased me with her hands full of supplies, and i remember her saying "Where are you going??"

I got to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. By this time it's 10:20pm. My mom was suddenly there, poking her head in the bathroom. Where did she come from? My husband must have called her.

I sat on the toilet, and the midwife sat cross-legged on the floor in front of me. I kept rubbing my thighs really hard and I was shaking. Still no pain, just a very intense feeling. My body started to push involuntarily. It felt like throwing up in reverse. Every few moments (seconds? Minutes? Hours?) my body would wretch. Suddenly it was different again and I was streeeetching, like I would burst... and then POP the head was out. My midwife unwrapped the cord from around his neck and said "Stand up!" so I did, and out slithered a roly poly newborn with hardly any hair! She checked the time and it was 10:28pm.

I sat down on the toilet and took my baby in my arms. I called my older kids in so they could check the gender ... IT'S A BOY!

We went up to the bedroom and took vitals. My mom kept saying "He's so big, he's so big!" and the midwife agreed, but I thought he was little. I guessed around 8 pounds but the older women were right - he weighed in at 10lb 6oz and 20" long. I had no tearing, just a little bruising. I delivered the placenta onto a chux pad on the bed, and it felt so weird after that huge baby!

We settled into bed and I nursed my beautiful chubby baby boy for the first time. Then my husband took all the older kids to bed and I fell asleep with my amazing new little one. Meanwhile, my doula called to see if I needed her ... nope! He was here already! (I am still the only birth she has ever missed!)

It was another three days before we settled on a name - Ean Matthew. My sweet angel! (And for anyone keeping track ... yes, 3 babies in 27 months! It was hard, but as I write this they are 2, 3, and 4 ... we made it!)

When I Am A Young Mother I Shall Wear Puke

When I am a young mother I shall wear puke.

Just a little, on my shoulder to remind me of my babies.

When I am young mother I shall wear stretch marks on my tummy.

Silvery and wavy like the water that surrounded my little ones inside.

I shall also wear babies- on my back, on my front, on my side, in my arms.  

Always surrounded by babies and children and arms that need someone to hold.

I will giggle and tickle and enjoy the small moments.  

I will sit down rarely to eat, but snack all the time.  

Sometimes I will clean plates of others so that nothing is wasted.  

I will wear flip flops in the rain to take children to school. 

Because sometimes you sleep in and can't find your real shoes.

But I shall remember that I am not homeless, despite the puke and the leftovers and the wet, rainy toes.

I will sleep just a little and always in pieces.  

My eyes might be red and surrounded by new lines and soft creases.

But I will not notice, because the mirror takes too long when little hands knock and buzzers go off.  

When I am a young mother, I will just be grateful for a lonesome potty. 

Sometimes I may yell or cry for no reason. 

I will wonder if I am losing myself or my mind in the messes.

Then the children will say, "What is wrong?" and give me a cuddle.

The love will remind me that I did something right.

Amid all the chaos they learned to love mama and think of their family.

Suddenly puke on the shoulder will seem not so bad.

And later I will miss it when my clothes and my windows and my kitchen stays clean.

(I know I am totally NOT a poet.  In fact, I never really liked poetry.  I don't know how to rhyme and I never understood iambic pentameter or haiku.  But I like this poem, "When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple" by Jenny Joseph and I thought we deserved one too.  Love you mamas!)

A Harder Second Birth- A Story With Pictures

Recently I posted a birth story about a mom who had a long hard first birth and then a MUCH easier second baby.  I love that story because so many women are fearful of having another after a difficult first birth experience.  

But....

That isn't ALWAYS the case.  Birth is exciting, unpredictable, and impossible to plan.  And of course, we (mama) and the baby all have a different journey and a new lesson to learn or be taught with each life change.  

Here is another beautiful birth story- harder than the first, but amazing none the less.

Enjoy!

(This mama is also a photographer, and you can see her work HERE.)

"This Baby is just gonna fall right out of you!"
"Call me as soon as you even think something is happening, I don't want to miss it!"
"As soon as your body gets going, WHAM! Baby is gonna be here"

Since the moment we found out I was pregnant, these are the sort of things that were said to me on a daily basis. My first birth was undeniably textbook perfection, and everyone was excited to see how quickly my body would progress this time.

So why was I sitting on my toilet, during my sixth hour of transition praying to God
"I can't do this. I'm not strong enough, Jesus. Finish this contraction for me."?

The answer is pretty simple now, that's what I prayed for.

By Wednesday morning I had on and off "false labor" for two days and I asked Eamon to stay home from work. My contractions weren't getting longer, but they were getting stronger and a little bit closer together. When they hit 6 minutes apart, I called my birth team. I think I even texted Michelle, our birth photographer, "Today's the day!!! We're finally going to meet my Baby!!"

Eamon and I were both excited, we labored quietly throughout the morning for a few hours and started welcoming our birth team as they came in, all anxious to see this butter birth we were all expecting.
About an hour later...I felt my body slowing down. After a walk with Leila, my doula, that didn't work my birth team decided it would be best if they left to allow us some rest. I started to pray that my labor would progress gradually like Lily's to allow "God to do what He needs to do with me"

I was exhausted, Baby was still posterior after my adjustment and naptime came and went. While Eamon was preparing supper, I found myself doubled over on the floor.

"What is going on?!" I thought. My contractions weren't any closer together, they were anywhere from 7-10 minutes apart but I felt exactly like I did during the 20 mins of transition with Lily. I texted Angela "I feel like I'm in transition, I know that's probably not right, but these are getting really painful" She called and told me to time some contractions and give her a call in about thirty minutes.

Ten minutes passed and I knew I was in transition. I called her and said "I can't wait thirty more minutes, I need you now." Then I called Leila and said "I think it's time for you to come!" during a really intense contraction. I let my friend Katie know what was going on and asked her to come and help us with Lily.

Everyone was here, and I wasn't slowing down.
Eamon set supper up for Lily with Katie, and came back into our bedroom for Angela to check me. I was a little bit nervous...ok, I was scared out of my mind that I wasn't progressing. But with Eamon on one side of me, and Leila on the other, Angela let me know that I was dilated to 7-8 cms!

The room let out a unanimous "PRAISE JESUS!" and the Hallelujah chorus was ringing in the background...well, at least it was in my head. I figured being a second time mom I had a few hours, TOPS, before I met this cute little mystery baby, and I was ready.

It was about 7:30 pm on Wednesday night, and the work was here. After emptying the cold water from our tub by throwing it over our balcony with pots, and filling it with glorious warm water, the tub was ready. I asked our team to give us Eamon and I some time alone. I loved this. Eamon prayed over my delivery and set my mind at ease that we were going to have this baby tonight. Before we were done he laid his hands on my belly and talked to our little unborn child. He didn't say a word out loud, but I could feel every bit of emotion that he was emitting to our little one. More than I was ready to meet this baby myself, I was ready for Eamon to.

The clock continued to tick and I knew Lily would need to go to bed soon. I had been making bedtime a very special time for us the past few months and it was something I looked forward to. I would bathe her, comb her hair, read to her, just made her feel extra special in case I went into labor that night. I was sad that I hadn't got to the night before and was sort of jealous of Eamon. He said "Well maybe you can read her a story before she goes to sleep?" As Eamon went into her room to get her ready for bed...I started to climb out of the tub. Wait, WHAT?!? Yeah, I wasn't exactly thinking that one through. Just as I started getting out Eamon walked in with Lily "WHAT are you doing?! Sit back down!" Eamon brought her to the side of the pool and through a contraction or two, I read Goodnight Moon to my baby girl one last time as an only child. 

With Lily asleep in her bed, I knew it was time to get serious about having this baby. Contraction after contraction came...but it felt different. I remembered being in the pool with Lily, what my breath felt like in my chest, what the pressure felt like in my womb and the relief the water gave me. Only the last of those memories were becoming familiar. My contractions were not long, they were not close together, but they were painful. The water made them feel so much better, but there was still something off. Then I felt another change. My contractions were only down really low, and I felt like the urge to push was just around the corner. Everyone thought pushing was just minutes away.

Since I started becoming a bit too uncomfortable, I thought maybe I should try to go use the restroom and come right back out. I was still excited. I still smiled in between all of my contractions, I still cracked a joke here and there, and I still was hopeful that it was only going to be a little longer. The clock read a little before 9 as I made my way to the bathroom...

"Any minute now," I thought "Any minute..."

An hour passed.
I went back and forth from the tub, to the toilet, to the bed.
I squatted. I got on all fours. I sat on my ball.
Another hour passed.
I looked at the clock. I got mad.

What was going on? We knew baby was posterior on and off. I knew that must be what was making this hard, but why were my contractions anywhere from 5-15 minutes apart? Didn't my body know what it was doing? Why was this happening to me?

I was trying to keep a brave face and with Leila holding my right hand and Eamon holding my left, I labored some more on the toilet. Adrenalin took over my body and I couldn't stop shaking. I was mad. Why was the Lord abandoning me now? I needed Him! Where was He?!

 
"This is too hard!!! I can't do this! I'm going to the hospital, this is not supposed to be this hard for me! Why are you doing this to me and my baby?!?"

The pain was overwhelming. My internal dialog was getting hard to hide. For quite a while, the only two things keeping me from saying, "Screw this, take me to a hospital" were the facts that I didn't want to have any of these contractions in the car and that we didn't have anyone to watch Lily.

On the toilet once more, I reached down because I could not understand what the pressure was I was feeling. I felt...bulgy, but there was no baby. After Angela checked me she told me that there was a lip on my cervix that wasn't melting away and that Baby couldn't engage. The bag of water was also in the way.

My chiropractor/midwife friend came over and I made my way to the living room to get adjusted on the couch. In my head I was still yelling. In my heart I was breaking down, not knowing where to turn. Cindy adjusted me and I  felt my contractions slow down even more. My heart was sinking so low...I don't know where it really went. Someone started to say something and I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

"What's wrong with my body?! Why isn't it working?!?"
I was broken. My cervix, my thoughts, my heart, they were all working against each other. I looked to my midwife and my doula for some sort of answer. I didn't get one I wanted. Angela told me that they were going to stay in the living room while Eamon and I went to rest in the bedroom. As she was telling me this I searched Eamon's eyes for some answers. I wanted him to tell me what to do, I wanted him to tell me that this was going to be over soon, I wanted him to make this easy for me.

 
As my team watched me walk back down the hallway with Eamon's help, I felt helpless, defeated. He whispered in my ear "Whatever questions you have babe, I can't answer those for you. I know you want us to, and I know we might have some good ones, but they aren't our questions to answer." We laid down on our bed, and I began to fight it out with God in between contractions.

I can't really explain what happened, but I came to a point of surrender. I had hit this pit that seemed impossible to crawl out of and I realized I needed God. I couldn't do this, but He could. I called my birth team back in to our room and told them I needed them too. During every contraction I had to cry out to the Lord with my heart and say "I'm not strong enough, I can't do this, but you CAN! Finish this contraction for me, please Jesus!" and with each wave of contractions I got a little bit of relief. But sadly, there was no progress.

Angela checked me, she was contemplating breaking my water for me since I had tried every single thing we could think of. Donna Miller, had come in Ann's place.Throughout the labor she had just sat to the side praying, keeping quiet, letting my body work. Angela asked me if it was ok if Donna checked me so she could get a second opinion. During another contraction Donna checked me and said

"Well she's a 7-8-BUT when she has a contraction, she's complete. I just know if we break her water that she can push that Baby's head down."

At my follow up appointment I found out three things. One, even when I was complete, there was still a lip on my cervix. Two, my baby was still posterior before they broke my water. Three, Donna Miller never breaks water.

So confident that my baby wasn't at risk, and neither was I, Angela broke my water while I lay on the edge of my bed, again holding Eamon and Leila's hands. I tried every position I could think of that would bring my baby into my birth canal. At one point I got down on my hands and knees. I couldn't even stay up on my own. I could hear the Lord calling me to continue to surrender to Him. He was going to help me.

I felt like I needed to get back on my bed. Suddenly I found myself in the same position I was in when I birthed Lily. Angela wanted to check me one more time to see if I made any progress. Then a powerhouse contraction hit me. I remembered this! This felt familiar, this felt good! I couldn't control my voice and I let out every breath of air in my body. I heard Angela say "GOOD MAE! Baby's head is coming down!" I couldn't stop! The contraction kept going so I kept pushing! This was right. This was the way I remembered my body working. 

 

Everyone started to cheer me on. I heard Eamon say "We're about to meet our baby!" I got my excitement back, I reclaimed my joy. Another contraction hit. "Ok, the head is crowning, Mae!" Angela started to say. I still could not stop! "There's the head! The head is out!" Eamon was sitting up and I could hear the excitement in his voice "I can see it!" Another contraction hit right after that and I could hear everyone tell me to slow down, but I couldn't!

I felt the relieving familiar feeling of a warm, slimy baby slip right out of me.
I heard Angela say "Your baby's out Mae!!!"
The buzz around me was unreal. My body did NOT fail. It remembered exactly how to do this, and it did amazing! In three pushes [less than five minutes] I took my baby from a negative station, to out on my chest.

Angela brought this tiny, squishy being up to my chest, just like she had with Lily. Eamon got to see the face before I did and with ecstatic joy in his heart he said "It looked right at me!" Angela asked "So is it a boy or girl, Dad?!" Both of us knew as soon as she asked, and Eamon said "It's a girl! Norah!" He laid down close to me as she wiggled around on my chest. I said "We have two girls, babe!" and he said "I have THREE!" 

Finally, she was here. My arms were full. My Lord finished what He started. I wasn't bitter. I wasn't mad. I was full of joy. She was here.

I couldn't believe that I had done it. I also couldn't believe that Lily  slept through the whole thing. But right on queue, she woke up just in time for Norah's newborn exam. She looked at me like "OH! Angela finally brought that baby you guys keep talkin about!" This was the first time she got to see and touch her baby sister. I'm so glad she woke up.

Norah Jean Burke

March 31, 2011

2:18 am

 7 pounds 15 oz

22 inches long

After a few hours sleep, I woke up later that morning, remembered all that had happened, and thanked God for the sweet little newborn that was snuggled next to me. I love Norah's story. I don't feel like I was "robbed of the perfect birth" Instead, I feel like I, reluctantly allowed God to work through me like He never has, and allowed me to fight for Norah in order to teach me things I wouldn't want to learn any other way..

A Spiritual Home VBAC- Inspiring!

There isn't much better than a VBAC story like this!  LOVE it.   But this one has some other wonderful things- crying dad, a spiritual moment, and a loving big brother.  

Enjoy! 

(You can read the original HERE on this mama's fab blog.)

~~~

Elliotte's {VBAC} Birth Story:

A friend of mine suggested I sit down and start writing my birth story while it's still fresh in my head.

So here goes. Brew some tea and get a snack because I'm giving you the long version!

All week, I had been going on walks and doing pelvic rocks in the shower while Conrad took his naps, I'd been resting a lot more and had been feeling more tired and irritable. I was having braxton hicks contractions all week but nothing major. I was anticipating going well past my due date. At this point though, I was 39 weeks. Saturday came and I was extremely irritable. Everything that Conrad did annoyed me. I just wanted to be in bed and be alone, so Dustin took Conrad to the park and the store so I could rest. When they got home, I was still feeling really tired and fatigued. I called my parents in tears and they came and took Conrad to their house. 

 

My Dad had made a comment that I was about to have this baby very soon, and I disagreed. I just wasn't feeling like myself, I thought. Little did I know, He was so right. I was an emotional wreck. All I could do was clean and cry, for no apparent reason at all. I was folding baby clothes and was upset that the baby's room wasn't put together yet and Dustin sat down on the floor to talk to me and try to sort out why I was such a wreck. It was actually really great that we talked because we hadn't realized just how distant we had both been. We ended up talking, crying and praying for about 2 hours and it was just what we needed as a couple to get on the right page before we welcomed our baby into the world. We were lacking that compassion for one another and that tenderness in our marriage. We were both stressed, excited, anxious, ready, and hadn't realized that we had become so distant or hard hearted towards each other.

Dustin suggested that we go on a long drive and listen to music. I washed my face and put on a comfy dress and he made me some decaf coffee to sip while we drove. It was already getting late and about time to pick up Conrad, so we took the scenic route and drove to my parents house. We listened to an old Radiohead CD in the car. We turned up the music as loud as it would go and held hands. It was exactly what I needed. Just the two of us, in the car, listening to music we love and enjoying the last sweet moments together before we became 4.

We ate my Dad's chicken enchiladas while Conrad played with my grandma and mom and enjoyed my parents company until about 9. We headed home, put the little man in bed and went to bed as usual. I was having little braxton hicks contractions here and there but nothing to get excited about. I woke up at 11:30 and ran to the bathroom throwing up. The food didn't make Dustin sick at all, but it seemed to make me sick, which was weird (now I realize that my body was just getting ready for labor, and that's why i threw up). I went back to bed and woke up at about 4:30 with stronger contractions that I had to lean over my bed to work through. I asked Dustin to time them. They were about 6-8 mins apart. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept telling myself that this was false labor and not to get obsessed over the contractions. Surly I wasn't in labor, I was only 39 weeks! I told Dustin that if this was "false labor" this was a cruel joke because it was pretty intense.

By 5:00am, I decided that I wanted to go on a walk and be outside so I called my mother in law and she came over in her pj's to wait for Conrad to wake up and then take him to her house for the day. We got into the car and planned to pick up the video camera at my friend Sofia's house before our walk. I had two contractions in the car that rocked my world. I had to turn around in the car and hold onto the head rest, they were so intense. Sofia gave me the camera, was so excited for me she was almost in tears, gave me a hug and we headed to the park for a walk. While we were driving, it started pouring out and the windshield wipers were so annoying I told Dustin to TURN THEM OFF!!!! as i was going through another contraction. It really was the most amazing, rainy, cloudy day. It was perfect out.

I told him to take me to the store instead of a walk. I wanted to buy yogurt, cookie dough and candles. We ran through the rain and hurried into Albertson's. The rain made us both super happy and we both felt like kids. If this was labor, we were excited to be enjoying rain. (We had specifically prayed for rain when we went into labor) Luckily, we were the only people in Albertson's because as we walked through the store, I had two contractions that stopped me dead in my tracks that I needed to moan through in order to survive. At this point, I'm still wondering if this is false labor.....

When we got back home I wanted to vacuum. I would vacuum the living room rug and when I felt a contraction coming, I'd drop to my knees and call Dustin over to rub my lower back. I'd moan through it and breathe deep and slow until it passed, get back up and continue cleaning something else. At one point, as I was putting dishes away, I dropped to the ground on all fours with my head against the stove as he rubbed my back. During a contraction in the living room, I remember Dustin saying, "I know this is hard honey, but really try to praise God for each contraction knowing that it is bring our baby closer to being here with us. You're doing great!" 

 

Something suddenly bubbled up inside of me and I had the urge to worship God, so I began praying and praising Him. As I prayed and cried, I could hear Dustin whimpering and crying behind me as he rubbed my back. I had never felt such a strong desire to praise god in my life. It was such an incredibly overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love. I couldn't come up with enough words to describe how incredible my god was. In my mind, Dustin wasn't even in the room, it was just me and Jesus. That moment was one of the sweetest times of my birth.

Dustin realizes that this might be the "real" thing so he called the birth tub company to come set up our tub. He also called our midwifes assistant, Marcie to get her opinion on whether we were in real labor or not. She heard me moaning through a contraction in the back ground and said she was on her way. She arrived shortly after and it was a relief to see her. I wasn't able any longer to move or get up after a contraction. Now they were starting to get more intense. The three of us ended up in my bathroom in the dark, laboring over the birthing ball for the next few hours in silence. It felt best to be on all fours. Marcie would massage my shoulder blades to remind me to relax as Dustin rubbed peppermint lotion on my feet, back and calfs during each rush. Marcie kept reminding me to breathe slow and deep, to moan deep and not raise my voice. All of my contractions were in my back.

I stayed on my hands and knees laboring for a few hours. I remember thinking to myself, "This is exactly why woman get epidurals. This shit is no joke!" (I probably said, "Oh shit!" a good twenty times during labor. Everything said or done in labor is forgiven, my midwife reminded me.) Laboring was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had to remind myself of the woman who birthed naturally, my girlfriends who helped me along on this journey. I told myself, "Janelle did it, Morgan did it, Mae did it, Laura did it.... YOU CAN DO IT TOO. You WILL do it!" Being in labor and in that pain is very isolating because no one in the room feels what you're feeling. But remembering the ladies who had done it too really helped me persevere through it.

Time passed and I wasn't aware of anything but trying to get through each rush. I needed silence and darkness. Dustin got up and called Carrington to come over. He also called Bobbie to come take a few pictures. When Carrington arrived, she anointed my head with oil and prayed over me for a long while. She held my hand and kept telling me I was doing a beautiful job. I remember tears falling on my birthing ball as I breathed through rushes and she prayed and stroked my hair. I was still on all fours in our bedroom with the curtains closed. The room was quiet and peaceful. 

 

Shortly after Carrington arrived, Dotty arrived. (One of my favorite memories of Dotty at my birth was when the midwife told me to make my lips loose like a horse when I moaned and Dotty kept making jokes about how excited Conrad would be if I gave birth to a little mini horse.... I laughed so hard I about cried. We kept saying I was giving birth to a baby centaur....) It felt good to have a big belly laugh between contractions. Her job was mostly just being there to pray and encourage me. She was a great part of my birth team.

The tub was almost ready and I was excited to get into it. I needed some relief. As soon as I stepped into the tub and sat down into the warm water, I began to cry because it felt so amazing and instantly took the pain away.

I labored in the tub moaning through contractions for about an hour with Carrington at my side feeding me spoonfuls of honey, giving me sips of cold water every few minutes and wiping my neck and forehead with ice cold rags that she kept dipping into an ice bucket that was on the floor in front of me. I asked Dustin to get into the tub with me at this point. I told Carrington that this was the hardest thing I've ever done and she said, "Well honey, that's why it's called labor. But this pain is beautiful Chelsea. God created our bodies to endure this labor for a reason. You're going to look back at this and realize all of the little things he was busy teaching you through your birth.... I promise, you will be addicted to this pain when it's all over." She kept whispering over and over affirmations about who god is and who I am and how capable I am. She'd say, "After this is all over, there will be nothing you can't accomplish." And, "This is going to change you in ways you never imagined it could." She was my birth guardian. I couldn't have done it without her. While in the tub, because my mouth was so sugary from the apple juice and honey, I requested to brush my teeth which made me feel so much better. I think I was in transition for about 3 hours or so.

During my next contraction, I felt my stomach flex and it caught me by surprise. I looked at Marcie and said, "I just pushed! What the hell? Am I supposed to be pushing right now? Is this normal?" (Marcie never once gave me a vaginal exam. She said that she didn't think it would help me to know how far I was dilated. What if I had done all of this work, and was in labor for hours but only dilated to a 4?) When she arrived though, she said that by the way I was acting, she thought I was probably about at a 6 or further. She just kept telling me to listen to my body, keep going and not worry about dialation. Every time she checked the baby's heart beat, it was loud and fast, so I wasn't worried at all. There wasn't a single time during my labor where I doubted myself or said I wanted to go to the hospital. I never said, "I can't do this!" I never thought about uterine rupture. I never had an ounce of fear. The only thing I could do was get through the next rush and was thankful for the breaks in between them when I could rest. I just had to focus on making it through the contractions. I had prepared myself for a very long labor and a very painful labor.

April, my midwife, arrived and knelt down beside me. Dustin said that as she entered the room, she had this attitude of confidence about her that all of us just fed off of. She wasn't panicked or alarmed, she just assessed where I was at in labor and encouraged me. She held my hand and told me I was doing amazing. She kept saying how strong I was.

My contractions were extremely close together and without anyone telling me to "push" my body just started pushing and I had to push along with it. I was squatting on the side of the tub holding onto the edge and I'd bite a towel, grab onto Carrington's shoulders and bury my head into her neck, hold her hand and just bare down as much as I could. Each time I had a contraction, I could feel my body pushing and urging me to push with it to get the baby out. I didn't expect to yell as loud as I did. I felt like Tyler from Vampire Diaries when he's going through his transformation.... My throat was on fire from yelling. Thank god for the honey and sips of cold water between pushing! (I pushed for an hour and twenty six minutes total which was fine because the baby was slowly making it's way out and stretching the tissue.) I can't imagine yelling like I yelled had I been in a hospital. I'm sure my neighbors would have called the cops thinking surely I was being murdered had I not told them ahead of time!

The backs of my legs were cramping up so badly that the midwife asked me to turn onto my back and try pushing that way to give my legs a rest. As I turned over, I saw my water bag in between my legs. It finally had broken toward the end of the pushing stage. April had a handful of olive oil that she used to lubricate my perineum. She gently put a little on me and It felt nice. Dotty grabbed one leg and squeezed it and Dustin grabbed the other to help get the cramps out. During the next contraction, I remember feeling the "ring of fire" and shouting, "OH SHIT! OH SHIT! It hurts! It burns! Make it stop!!!!!!! Oh Jesus! Get this baby out of me now!" Then I hear gasping and tears. I look over at Dustin and his lip is quivering. April had a flash light shinning so she could see what the baby was doing. I looked down and saw little blond hair floating under the water between my legs. I reached down and touched her head and then before I knew it another contraction came and I had to grab back onto Dotty and Dustin's shoulders for support. The top of the head was coming out. Everyone was quiet but I could hear people starting to cry. I was instructed to wait for the next rush before I pushed the baby out so that I wouldn't tear.

I felt the next rush coming and bared down. The head came out all the way and I started to panic. I was breathing really fast and April said I needed to relax, she showed me how to breathe, I mimicked her breathing, she said I needed to wait for the next contraction and then push the rest of our baby out. There was no cord wrapped around her neck, she looked great, I just needed to push her slowly so I didn't tear. The next rush came and I pushed her all the way out, I put my hands between her arm pits and grabbed onto her bringing her up from under the water. The midwife knew how important it was for Dustin and I to catch our baby and she respected our wishes (she actually encourages parents to catch the baby if they wish to.) 

 

I instantly began crying, Dustin was crying, everyone was crying. I kept telling our baby how much I loved her, I thanked her for coming so quickly and I couldn't stop crying. She just blinked and stared into my eyes. She didn't cry, she was just the most peaceful little baby in the whole world. She was perfectly pink. No one needed to resuscitate her, or give her oxygen or stick anything down her throat to suck stuff out. She was just so alert and sweet. (She was born at 1:04 in the afternoon which put me in labor for about 8 hours from start to finish.) We talked to her for a good two minutes until someone shouted, "What is it?" and I remember saying, "Should we look?" I think I was nervous to check. Then I lifted her out of the water and saw her little lady parts! Our baby was a girl! I was so shocked and surprised that she was a girl because I just knew she would be a boy.

We sat in the tub for about 15 minutes with our baby. Everyone in the room sort of gave us privacy and walked into the kitchen, which was nice. The midwife came back over and fed me a cup of yogurt and gave me some ibuprofen. She then made sure the baby's chord had stopped pulsing completely and handed Dustin the scissors to cut it. He cut the chord and went to take a shower while Elliotte (who still hadn't been named) and I got out of the tub and went to take an herbal bath together. She still hadn't cried. She was just so happy and content. It was nice to have her first bath together.

After about a half hour or so we got out we joined Dustin in bed to relax and Elliotte latched to nurse for the first time. April brought me toast and coconut water to drink. Marcie put in a load of towels. The birth tub company had been called to come clean everything up. Everyone was busy helping us get settled with our new baby. April showed Dustin how to weigh the baby and it took about 35 minutes for Marcie and April to complete Elliotte's new born exam. We spent a while in bed talking and deciding on her name as she was being measured and looked over.

Dotty had picked up a birthday cake for Elliotte with a number "0" candle. We all sang her happy birthday to the birthday girl. Everyone except for the midwives had left shortly after that then they gave me my exam to see how my lady parts tolerated Elliotte's delivery. I had a teeny tiny tear that didn't require stitches. Everything went so smoothly and beautifully.

What I loved about laboring at home was that I was surrounded by woman who love me and who were there to encourage me, pray for me, hold my hand, massage my back, dry my tears, give me sips of water, wipe my head, stroke my hair and no one ever had a worried look on their face. They just knew I could do it. No one doubted me. I didn't doubt me. I was prepared for the "pain." I wasn't hooked up to any machines or IV's. There was not a single intervention done. I was told to listen to my body and go with my instincts. I felt more powerful during labor than I've ever felt in my entire life. When I reached down into the water to grab my baby, all of the pain instantly left my memory and she was all that mattered. I loved the whole process of preparing for her birth. My visits with the April, my midwife were so healing and empowering. I loved that she cared about educating me and preparing my heart, body, mind and soul for birthing my baby.

(Dustin's cry face is the best.) 

Photos taken by Roberta rae photography. More photos to come in the next week or so. 

We are so in love with our baby girl. She is doing so well. I am SO thankful that the Lord gave me back what was stolen from me when I birthed my first baby. He redeemed my birth experience back to me and I can't take credit for being "strong." He was totally my strength. He kept my mind focused and not wondering off thinking about the "what if's." He sustained me through each hour and allowed me to birth her just as he promised He would.

Every single thing I prayed for during my pregnancy was given to me. I prayed that she would turn and not be breech and she turned. I prayed that I wouldn't be "border line" diabetic with this pregnancy and I was totally healthy (I credit the Bradley diet). I never got pre-eclampsia when VBAC mom's have a 45% higher chance of getting it, and if you get it, you have no choice but to have a repeat cesarean. I tested negative for step B when last time I had it. She didn't get stuck coming out, she wasn't in danger, she was perfectly safe and I got to birth her at home without FEAR. Her birth was by far the best experience I've ever had. The best day of my life, as cheesy as that sounds.

When everyone left, I told Dustin that I felt like God was shaking his head at me, smiling, saying, "You silly little girl, Chelsea. You thought I wouldn't give you the desires of your heart....I gave you MORE than you ever imagined I would. How dare you doubt me, or doubt my love for you!" That was a humbling moment for me.

She is sleeping well and nursing like a champ. We couldn't be happier.

A Little Postpartum Surprise: Afterpains!

I remember a friend of mine who was having her fourth baby around the time I had my first baby talking about something I had never heard of before: Afterpains.

She said that they were worse than labor and one of the reasons she thought she would stop with four kids!

"What the heck are these?!" I thought. 

To tell the truth, I didn't even have them at all with my first baby.  But my friend was right- afterpains, or the postpartum cramping you experience after the baby comes, do tend to get a little more intense with each subsequent pregnancy.

Often women don't notice afterpains after their first baby, but they do notice them if they have more children than one.  The uterine cramping that occurs, especially when nursing and your body naturally clamps down with the flow of oxytocin, can be difficult to deal with.

You may have noticed, but I am on the far end of the crunchy spectrum.  I won't get into my crunchy "accomplishments,"  but I will admit that there is a familiar scene played out in my home after I have a baby.

Me:
"GIVE ME THE ALEVE!  And don't give me that LOOK!!!"  (Hubby disapproves of pain relief of the unnatural sort.  But he is not allowed to mention it after I have a baby.)

In fact, after my fourth they were so strong that I was scared to nurse.  This made me really sad actually, because I am so grateful to be able to breastfeed my babies and I didn't want to avoid it like the plague. 

Ladies- I don't think you should have to suffer postpartum or fear nursing your sweet baby.   Here are some things I wish I had known about to help deal with the postpartum cramping.  Hope it helps you.

Many thanks to the smart ladies on the Mama Birth Facebook page!

~Counting

~Practicing your relaxation exercises again

~Deep breathing

~Earth Mama Angel Baby Comfort Tea

~Skullcap and cramp bark tincture

~Hot stone massage (A+ for the midwife that does that!)

~Tylenol with Codine, Motrin, Aleve, Advil, Motrin, etc (check with your care provider for something that is safe while nursing.)

~Arnica

~Staying hydrated!

~Hot water bottle or heated rice packs (on the abdomen)

~AfterEase

~Hot tea with milk

~Liquid calcium-magnesium

~Abdominal wrapping

~Motherwort

~Stool softeners (I don't know if this helps with the cramping, but it can make you less fearful of the first bowel movement, especially if you had any tearing.)

There is some good news too.  Afterpains usually last only a few days, and definitely not longer than two weeks.  They also give you a really good excuse to relax and let other people take care of you for a little while.  Word on the street is that after 5 or 6 babies they don't get any worse either!  So, no need to limit your family size on account of these!  

Good luck ladies, and enjoy your babymoon. 

(And feel free to add more suggestions~)