Some things the natural mama must do before she kicks the bucket.
-Sleep with 5 people in a full sized bed. (This sounds vaguely erotic but is decidedly not, because of course, three of them are your squirming children.)
-Get in an argument with somebody about circumcision, vaccines, or epidurals.
-Have at least one person de-friend you on Facebook because of an "offensive" natural birth post.
-Worry about fluoride.
- Get rid of your microwave.
-Have an inflatable tub set up in your family room.
-Sit on a toilet backwards (possibly for hours).
-Labor for X amount of minutes/hours/days, and instead of talking about it like it was horrible, rave about it being the best experience of your life.
-Consider a yoga ball furniture.
-Purge your house of plastic cups.
-Spend at least a few minutes of your life buck naked and on all fours in front of people not your husband (again, not at all erotic).
-Store a human organ in your freezer. Consider eating it. (If I have to explain this, you wouldn't understand).
-Encourage at least one tired mom (whom you have never met before) to continue breastfeeding.
-Wake up one morning to discover that you now find Dr Sears to be just a little too mainstream.
-Get excited when the neighbor kids get chicken pox.
-Get excited when you see your hubby wearing a baby in a sling...
-Try to hide your horror when you discover your kids have eaten conventional peanut butter.
-Attempt to garden organically.
-Curse bugs everywhere when they eat everything before you can harvest it.
-Seriously consider living off the grid.
-Discover you like your stretched out, stretch marked body way more than that firm cute one you once had, because this one can do anything (even push out babies)!
-Compete with the women in your natural birth class to see who can have the biggest baby.
-Discover after church one day that your five year old has given his class a vivid description of the birth process.
-Witness your two year old demonstrating said process and afterwards, nursing her own toy baby.
-Bite your tongue at least once when you learn that somebody is getting induced. Then go home and rant to your husband about it.
-Witness somebody nursing a 15 month old, think to yourself, "Weird, that kid is too big to nurse," Then realize a year later that you are still nursing your 18 month old.
-When family visits and asks you for a Tylenol, look at them like they are nuts.
-Get a headache. Realize you must be subluxated. Go see your Chiropractor.
-Discover you can no longer enjoy a diet soda, the guilt is just too much to bear.
-Know what ACOG stands for and get really angry when they are brought into a conversation.
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