Hey You! Pre-Kid Woman- There Are A Few Things I Need To Tell You

Hey you!  Yeah you- Mama Birth but before the Mama and the Birth.  I have something to say to you.   There are a few things that you as a pre- kid woman should know before you have kids.  Some of my advice from future me may seem strange.  Just go with it.   

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1) Go bra-less at least once to a party before you have kids.  You won't understand why NOW- but you will later.  The thing is, you should really appreciate breasts that hold themselves up while you have the chance.  This in fact does not last forever.  I will just send pre-kid Mama a fax of what they look like now, that should explain it.

2)  When you are in Costco and you hear a toddler age child screaming at the top of their lungs, do not, I repeat DO NOT make any comments about their parents parenting ability.  It will come back to haunt you.  And you will eat crow.

3)  Buy more shoes.  I know you think you are broke because you are in school or your husband is in school but you are NOT broke...YET.  You will look back and think you were rolling in the dough someday.  Except when that someday comes around, you won't have any cute shoes.  BUT- if you buy them now, you can still wear them then.  Focus on a few pairs of cute walking shoes, (I like leather Merrill's, with that cute toe cover) and definitely a few pairs of heels.  I am thinking something sassy and red and something in animal print.  Oh, and buy them in a half size larger than you wear now.  Oh- don't forget BOOTS- brown and black.  Nice quality, because quality shoes are worth it. 

4)  Do not try to guilt trip your boyfriend/fiance into getting you that nice platinum engagement ring with the perfect diamond.  Here is the thing.  Someday it A) it won't fit you  B) will be cut off your finger  and C) sit in a drawer.  Instead, take the money, invest it so you can use it later to pay for your home births.  Romance is overrated- at least in the metal form.  The people you are trying to impress, won't even know you in ten years.

5)  Don't worry so much about being important and doing something impressive before you have kids.  Your priorities will shift completely after they come and you will realize what really matters and what you really care about. (Not shoes, other stuff.) Suddenly, things will be clear.  That being said, travel more and don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone.

6)  Put breakable stuff up higher.  Or just put it in storage.  The child will not listen.  They may in fact not be capable of listening when they are one year of age.  So, rather than getting frustrated when all your nice stuff is crushed/destroyed/and otherwise rendered unrecognizable, just childproof.  It is not a waste of time.  Oh, and if you decide NOT to childproof, don't stress out about the tattered and eaten and torn video tape covers.  Video is on the way out.

7)  While apartment living (Why do they have white carpet in the dining room?  I do not know.  Maybe they hate people and want carpet deposits back?!)  spend the money on another carpet to go UNDER the table.  It will be worth it.  REALLY WORTH IT.  Did you know that an apartment can charge about 700 dollars to replace a ruined carpet?  They can.

8)  When people tell you to sleep when baby sleeps they are not blowing smoke.  Sleep When Baby Sleeps!  Do it!  You will think, " I need to do such and such..." but you don't.  Complete lack of sleep will turn you into a raving lunatic.  A Crazy Town, capital C, lunatic.  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  And when people offer to help, don't say that you are fine.  Take it.

9)  Don't bother taking your skinny jeans with you to the hospital.  You can not wear them home.  BUT- if you work hard, eat right, and exercise you will wear them again.  Just not home from the hospital.  So- be a little easier on yourself and your body.  It takes time to gain baby weight and it takes time to lose it.  Growing a baby is hard work and so is looking like you aren't STILL growing a baby.  Have fun with it- babies like squashy mamas anyway.

10)  Invent a peri bottle that holds about a liter of water.  A peri bottle is something you spray "down there" with after you have had a baby.  And the one they give you- it is not big enough.  Invent it now and you will be both rich and have more comfortable bowel movements post baby.

Of course if I had more time and more sentimentality I would throw in a few tidbits about enjoying all the shining moments, discovering fly lady, and not worrying about a little jaundice- but I don't have more time.  I have four kids.

Peace out mamas- 


What would you tell your pre-kid self?