Four Things A New Mom Needs To Give HERSELF- So She Doesn't Go Nuts

There is a lot of talk about sacrificing the comforts of being a single, fancy free lady when you become a mother. It is true- moms need to, do and SHOULD become well acquainted with sacrifice. But there are some things that we need to remember for ourselves when we have kids too. I worry sometimes that too often we give up some things that we shouldn't, and in the end, when we do this too often and for too long, not only us, but our families suffer. Here are my totally unprofessional, not at all researched, and unsubstantiated thoughts on the subject.

1) Personal Hygiene-

I hear all the time new moms saying that they can't even shower because they have a baby. I am going to go ahead and give you the green light on this one. You CAN shower when you have a baby. In fact, you should.

Showering is my thing, so maybe for you it is a pedicure or doing your hair or something else. I could take two showers a day though and I sincerely believe that getting cleaned up makes a person (especially a woman) feel human, functional, more beautiful, and sane.

Taking five minutes (yes I can take a five minute shower- and so can you!) is not going to harm your child forever. Maybe you can do it when they are sleeping, maybe somebody can hold babe for a few minutes, or maybe they can sit in a "gasp!!!!" bouncer, swing, or something else for a few minutes. (I am not advocating raising them in a freaking baby swing people- but modern and lonely motherhood makes it pretty difficult to wear a baby 24/7).

But you need a shower. You deserve one. It is worth it. We are not talking about leaving a baby screaming for 10 hours because we "need our sleep" (that is SELFISH). Taking a shower every day does not make you a selfish mom. At least I hope not, because in the last six years I have had four children and have only once, when incredibly ill, missed taking a shower. Go do it.

2) Exercise-

Yeah- I am going there. And yes, I am a big hypocrite on this one lately. I will be the first to admit that it is way freaking harder to exercise when you have four kids. I know. Still- we need this ladies!

After my first was born I started walking every day, sometimes twice a day. It did wonders for me. Really, it SAVED me from some serious post-partum blues. Why?

Sunshine (I know, I still believe in the healing benefits of sunshine, unlike the rest of the civilized world! Hearsay!)- but sunshine is good for you and it cheers you up!

Health- it makes you feel better- not just physically but emotionally. The Fly lady calls it "15 minutes of loving movement". You don't have to call it exercise, but moving, dancing, SOMETHING is good for you- and it is good for your kids. I like my stroller because I can go for miles (I simply can't do that with a carrier) and I can take all my kids with me. But some prefer the silence and alone time of the gym or an early morning work out or some video yoga. Whatever you do it not only makes you healthier but it also teaches your kids good habits. All my kids are active, strong, and able to walk for miles, in part, because they have grown up doing this with me.

Quiet- my walks or runs were a time when I could be alone with my thoughts (even if my kids were there, they were often more peaceful) or chatting with a friend. This is important and leads to number three.

Figure- I know I am vain on this one, but I feel better and happier when I am closer to a healthy weight for me. For a lot of women a little exercise makes them feel better about how they look- and that is a major bonus when your days revolve around the bodily functions of others. Plus, it is easier to chase after kids when you are in better shape.

This isn't selfish either- exercise can be good for you and good for you children.

3) Friends-

You still need human contact with people who can speak English (or whatever language you speak!), are female, and about your height. I am not making fun of kids. I am not advocating putting the little ones in day care so you can eat bon bons and chillax. But women need each other and it helps with our sanity to be around each other.

If you can't leave your kids anywhere (I know I can't) then go to playgroup, start a playgroup, call a friend, chat with somebody online- SOMETHING.

I love spending time with my children, I miss them when they are away- they are awesome people. But they are not the only people in the world. They can not talk with me about my daily challenges with money, hubby, and ... children. Your emotional well being is important to their emotional well being. And yes, you CAN be friends with people who disagree with you on child rearing specifics, birth, and all that stuff. Talk about the rest of life, there is a lot of it.

4) The Hubbs-

I know, some days having a husband just feels like another chore. And I know there is this study being passed around online about how men don't even need sex hardly ever after they have kids. Whatever.

Your relationship with your partner matters, not just to him, but to you and your children. Yes, sometimes the needs of a young child must come first, but they don't have to ALWAYS come first. Yes a man can put off his needs for a little while, but he shouldn't always be at the end of the line.

Stop dating him, stop being intimate with him, stop talking to him and listening to him and caring about him, and you can just stand back and watch the relationship disappear before your eyes. Maybe this sounds like just another thing to feel guilty about- I don't mean it that way. Truth be told, this is something that I am truly TERRIBLE about. But I shouldn't be and neither should any of us.

Here is why- being happy in your relationship will bring you so much sanity, support, love and comfort that is is worth the effort that you need to put in it. And believe me, kids don't end up happier when mom and dad fight constantly because nobody's needs are being met.

And sex makes people happy. Endorphins, oxytocin, you get the picture.

~~~

Balance is hard- it truly is. If you get too caught up on one end of things or the other then somebody suffers. If mom decides she is more important than everybody and her children must conform to her every need we get some of the ugliest forms of baby training, even cruelty to children. But if the kids always come first other things can suffer- relationships, your sanity, and in the end, the children really suffer too.

I am giving you license to find some healthy time to make a beautiful and emotionally satisfying balance in your family life. Go make it happen- without guilt.

Mothers Shouldn't Spank Each Other

I wrote a post once about spanking. It wasn't really about spanking though, it was really about mothers and how much we need each other. Maybe you read it.



As expected there were a few who got caught up in their pet peeve parenting "thing." The one they do so well because they are so educated. I expected that. In fact, I thought I would get only negative feedback on that blog post.



What surprised me though was that I didn't. What surprised me was that the feedback was enormously positive. Now some might say, "Well Mama- that is because you told people it is OK that they spank! Now abusive mothers feel good about their parenting choices!" I will admit that there may very well have been a few bully moms out there who really liked the post,who also missed the actual POINT of it, and just felt great about smacking their kids around.



Fortunately for me, I have been blogging long enough to know that no matter what I write, a few things are bound to happen. 1) Somebody will be offended. (This always happens, even with what I think is the most funny, non-offensive post ever.) 2) Somebody will see in it what they want to see. Some people will take what I say as license to birth unassisted (not that I am opposed to that), spank their kids, hate their doctor, stop vaccinating, and so on and on and on. I try to be responsible in my writing but if I was that careful, I couldn't write anything.



Here is why I think that post struck a nerve with MOST moms.



I admit to being imperfect. I admit that being imperfect is normal. I admit that we are ALL imperfect.



If you didn't get it the first time, that is what that post was REALLY about. And that is why people read it. (Well, plus Birth Without Fear told people to read it and she is like Oprah and that book club except in a natural birth world.)



Moms desperately need to hear this. They yearn to know that they are not the only ones who sometimes, at the end of the day, think, "Oh my gosh, that did not go how I planned. I thought I would be better at this."



Motherhood has long been an isolated journey in this country. From the frontier days when people lived miles apart from each other, to today, when we housewives often get much of our communication, sisterhood, and conversation through the metallic medium of the Internet. Mothering, especially stay at home mothering, can be incredibly isolating.



Have you noticed this too?



I love being a mom and I am so incredibly grateful to stay home with my kids. But I will admit that I also need time with other women, other mothers, other adult people. Enter the Internet, Facebook, chat rooms and all these flat screened wonders. Miracle of miracles! I can have contact with friends every day!



The down side though, as we have seen and as so many things attest, is that when we are behind a screen talking about our kids, ourselves, our lives, and our parenting, it is very easy to put the best face forward. Not only can our profile be graced with a lovely high school era size six picture (I am actually sitting on a birth ball in bare feet, 30 pounds over weight, and wearing a bandanna on my head which is in desperate need of a professional cut and dye job) we can be the mom we all know we should be.



Instead of dealing with real mothers who we can look at and really know their struggles, their pain, their mistakes, and their work in progress children, we can only see what people want us to see about them.



What ends up happening is that it really looks like everybody else does everything just about perfect. They all love their kids. They never yell. They gently parent. They have great marriages. They breastfeed for years on end. They install car seats properly. They take awesome pictures for their blog. They abhor the epidural and to boot- their kids behave like little angels. ALL THE TIME.



I will tell you a secret. I was chatting with a friend online the other day and just for kicks we decided to call each other FOR REAL. You know- where you can hear their voice. Then we remembered why we didn't do that. There was screaming in the back round. Between the two of us we have nine kids. It was hard to hear anything.



Not so when hiding behind the computer. Nobody can see the mess or hear the noise or know what your life is really like.



Mamas didn't like that spanking post because they all like to spank or because we are all abusive or because we like to be justified in our imperfections. Women liked that post because it is refreshing to hear that they are not the only one struggling with imperfection.



Guess what- I will be your beacon of imperfection. I screw up all the time. I am seriously trying and try harder every day. I look for ways to be better at this most important of jobs and I pray and I work at doing it right. But I still mess up. You are not the only one.



Women need each other. Mothers need each other. And they don't just need each other for information about vaccine injury. They need each other to be a shoulder to cry on when they have those days that end in tears and sadness. They need each other when they have a great day when they do things right and it all goes well. We need each other and we need to be there for each other, accepting, loving, and kind.



The way we talk about parenting our kids- that is the way we should also treat each other. How we treat each other will have a much bigger impact on what our children grow up to be than winning an argument about spanking ever will. Not only will we be better examples to our children, but we will find we are happier as mothers and as women when we can have positive and supportive relationships with one another.



Wishing you joy in your journey towards perfection as a mother.

Mom: The Resume

Mama Birth
1114 Crazy Town
Phone 808-974-1111

Skills:
Multitasking, conflict resolution, planning, healing, feeding, negotiation, recreation, toddler wrestling

Past Work Experience:
-Cleaning poop off of glitter shoes without removing glitter
-Washing sheets thrice weekly without nervous breakdown
-Kept four kids alive for the past 6 years
-Successfully removed blackberry stains from brand new birthday shirt (no yelling involved)

Items of note:
-Once made a return at Walmart with four kids, no cart, no yelling AND no security called (all involved survived the ordeal)
-Capable of going long periods of time with little or no food and while foregoing bathroom breaks.
-Also important to note, when a bathroom break is afforded, capable of taking said break with child in lap and three others "watching" while negotiating hostile takeover attempt by 6 year old brother directed at 4 year old sister.

Applicable extra experience:
-Can feed large groups with mostly food storage, foraged food, and gardened food.
-Performs well under extreme pressure (read, 9+pounds of pressure barreling down internal "parts")
-Mind reading
-High pressure sales
-Not fearful of large amounts of blood- self or others
-Can touch bodily fluids or wear clothes for long periods of time which are covered in vomit/feces/urine etc.

Position desired:

-Non-profit
-Character Building
-Long term position (read=forever)
-Looks of horror/amazement optional, but not required
-Time off= rarely needed (will accept a good book or lonely potty break as vacation)

Just Another Day at the Park...

I am sure you are just foaming at the mouth for an update on my adjustment to life with four kids. You have to promise not to hate me for my humanity. Here goes...

The sweet baby just turned one month the other day. Around three weeks post-partum I started to feel "normal" again. I am always amazed after I have a baby to find out how bad I actually felt pregnant. I always feel like I have pretty good pregnancies. But pregnant had just become my normal and I had forgotten what it felt like to be un-pregnant.

So of course I have started trying to make strides towards the new life with four kids. My two older ones got signed up for swim lessons. We started going last week. It is so cute to watch kids learn to swim.

I feel like something of a freak show when I go out with all of them. People look at me and I am pretty sure I am not just imagining it. Sometimes I get asked if they are "all mine." For some reason I always want to look like I have things "together." Do you know what I mean? I don't want to look like a flustered, overtired, overwhelmed, frantic mom who doesn't enjoy her kids. I do enjoy them. Still, sometimes public outings don't go according to plan but I want to look like I can handle things.

I sit near the pool during swim lessons with my almost two year old and my little one. We watch big brother and sister do their thing. Toddler girl spins around on a pole or tries to run away. Luckily she seems afraid of going head first into the water.

(Did I mention that she started to potty train the day before I went into labor? Maybe she knew I have always had a deep seated phobia of having two kids in diapers.) Yesterday while at the pool my almost potty trained girl went pee. Three times. No that wasn't a typo. She of course went pee three times on the cement near the pool where we were sitting. Later she peed in the grass.

I am realizing that part of my new reality is that my child publicly urinating near a communal pool does not actually make me freak out. Even though I had run out of clean panties and had neglected to (in my optimism) bring a diaper that fit her, I was not mad. In fact, I was really just grateful that we all left together and that nobody fell or jumped into the pool who wasn't supposed to.

Now you may be thinking, "That is disgusting!" or "This woman needs a reality check" or "What is she doing with four kids?" All of these things may be true, so feel free to be horrified. I however am starting to realize why so many of the women I know who successfully raised big families are so mellow. I mean, "Where do you get your tranquilizers?" mellow. Maybe, just maybe, they also had their little children defecate at inopportune times. Maybe they too ran after a giggling toddler with a newborn in one hand that was by some miracle STILL attached to the breast. And maybe these women realized that those things don't really matter in the long run.

What I am starting to think is that having a child who sometimes does embarrassing things in public or being a mom who doesn't always appear perfect and polished is not actually something to worry about. What I should be worried about are the times when I yell or really do freak out. Even if those moments happen behind closed doors and nobody sees them, those are the things that really are bad for my kids and for me. Those are the moments that really embarss me. Not because anybody knows about it, but because I know I can do better and my kids probably deserve better.

This is me, adjusting to life with four kids. It isn't that hard. It isn't a walk in the park either. It is more of a pee in the park. Watch where you step. I couldn't find my toddler's shoes before we left so we will be VERY careful where we step.

The Little Secret Heart

My grandmother said that she had a little secret heart. It was that voice inside that would prompt her to do good things if she listened to it. Some people call it a conscience or the Spirit. Whatever you call it, it is a quiet voice that is easy to ignore when you are rushing through life trying to just survive.

A while ago I wrote about visiting a mother who had recently lost her own grown child. It was a wake up call for me and a reminder that these children are a blessing and not a burden. She was really suffering through her loss and it was painful just to see, much less how painful it must have been for her to experience.

We visited her because that secret heart of ours told us she needed a visit. But as life goes on, some days I focus more on myself and my own pity party than I do on others and what they need. It is so easy to ignore that secret heart when you don't feel well or are overwhelmed with your own life.

But my children still seem to listen. My daughter made a little gift for this lonely mama a few weeks ago. It was just a little paperweight, a rock decorated with colored paper. I told her we would take it to her and visit her. Though the kids had only met this woman once they remembered her and talked about her often and seemed to have a love and concern for her simply because she had been so loving of them.

But you know, life got busy. My daughter kept asking when we would take the present and I kept saying "soon" and we never did. It sat in our kitchen for a month. The visit was never made and a lonely mama who had lost what matters most was left alone.

We got the local paper the other day and found that this woman had died. Her grief over the death of her daughter had been so great that she had taken her own life. A tragedy compounded by tragedy.

You know, I wept for her. I wept for her loss and for her pain and grief and that it had overwhelmed her to the point that she could no longer bear it. But I also wept out of sorrow and regret. Sometimes I think that one of the hardest things about death is that we suddenly realize that not only will we miss that person, but that the things we "meant" to do will now forever be nothing more than a call unanswered. I wept because my secret heart prompted me to reach out to this mother. My children asked if we could do things for her. And I ignored that call.

We all have our choices in this life. I am not arrogant enough to believe that I could have single handedly "fixed" this situation. I do realize though that I knew she needed a comforting hand. I knew she loved to hold my children. I knew that my secret heart had prompted me to do more than I did for her, and I ignored it.

It is of course, too late now. She is gone from this world. My husband took the gift today to her funeral and gave it to her mother. Now this mother has lost her child and her grandchild in the space of less than a year. How I wish I had listened to that voice that inspired to do good. How I wish I listened to the voice of my own child prompting me to do what I should have done in the midst of my own life and trials.

What a sad post this is. I hope I can remember it though as I pass through life and always keep an ear open for the small things that we need to do for others.

I May Be A Hypocrite, But I Am In Good Company

Hypocrisy. Everybody hates it. Except me.

I consider myself a hypocrite. It isn't something I am proud of, but I don't think I am alone in being one, so at least the company is good.

Here is the thing. In life I am striving for perfection. I will never get there. But when you are shooting for perfection (awesome wife, patient mom, loving daughter, amazing member of my church, healthy eater, etc) hypocrisy is inevitable. When perfection is the standard, hypocrisy just comes along for the ride.

For example:
I believe in being humble, kind, slow to anger, understanding, loving and basically wonderful in every way. I want to and know I should be a fantastic Christian woman.
In reality, I have a temper. I get angry at people. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I get so irritated that I forget that I am supposed to be loving and kind because I am so sure that I am right and person X needs me to set them straight.

Or:
I love the Brewer diet. I talk about all the benefits and the perfect way to do it in every class. I tell people no sweets, healthy protein, no white flour or junk food, lots of fruits and vegetables.

I really mean it- but I feel like a total tool when I am teaching when I am pregnant and I am having a weird donut binge phase so serious that my children yelp with joy when we go to the grocery store and they see those beautiful, tiny, glistening glass doors filled with puffy white deep fried, sugar soaked goodness......

No it doesn't stop there:
I adore my kids. They are the best thing in my life. They have given me my passion for birth and motherhood and all the things that matter.
But sometimes I get so wrapped up in telling the world how important all this birth and motherhood stuff is that I let my own beauties run amuck or I just don't notice some of the precious moments because I am so wrapped up writing about life that I don't live it.

More! It's true:
I swear by the pregnancy exercises. You know, pelvic rocking, squatting, daily exercise, Kegels, etc. I know they make a big difference in labor and birth and physical preparation.
At the end of the day though, it is pretty dang hard to kneel and do 200 pelvic rocks. Or walking a mile or two each day when pregnant with your fourth baby! Oh my gosh, you don't know what pressure is until you have done this. Can everything just fall out? It seems possible.

~

But I am not apologetic. I want to strive for perfection in my life, in my roles, in my religion. I want to always be shooting for something that is greater than I can ever really reach. Striving is important for life. The opposite is seems to be apathy. I don't want to be apathetic. I don't want to stop caring and I don't want to be fine with mediocre. I don't want to never disappoint myself just because I never set the bar above what I could reach. It might feel better in the short run, but in the long run I will fall short of what I could have done.

If that makes me a hypocrite, then I can live with that. One thing I know I can't live with is never bothering to try. Plus, I don't mind the company. Sometimes I hear people say things about how religious people or natural parenting people don't fit just how they should into a certain mold. They don't like them because they are hypocrites. But I love being surrounded by other people who are not afraid to strive for more than they can reach. It is fine with me if they screw up and live below their own standards. I know they are trying. I know they have their own weakness and trials. I hope they can forgive me for mine.

(And yes, I realize that no matter how much I would like to believe that the Cadbury cream eggs I ate for breakfast somehow fulfilled my Brewer diet egg requirement, it just will never be.)

More Than Just A Mom

I have been reading a book about the death of President Lincoln. One of the first things that struck me as I started it was how much Booth (the killer) hated Lincoln. I have always thought of him as one of the greatest presidents of all time.

Of course he was president during a terrible time when the country was literally split so it makes sense and is even obvious that many people would have hated him. But, being so far removed from it in time and space the idea had never occurred to me.

It seemed clear that the way history is written has much to do with who wins and who writes the history. Had the confederates won our idea of Lincoln would be very different.

~

Who writes the history of women? Who decides what about us is important? Who decides what contributions we make and how important they are?

History is largely written by men and they are often the players, the leaders and the winners. We have always been here but in the pages of history we are often silent players only more recently mentioned by more modern female historians.

Maybe this doesn't matter much, but maybe it is deeply important.

Doesn't it seem as though many women do not feel that their roles as wife and mother are enough? How many of us yearn and even NEED to be more than "just" a mom? How difficult is this need to separate out from actual internal motivation or simply the imposed value (or lack thereof) placed on some female roles?

I vividly remember opening up our first bank account after I had had my son. We had moved and needed a new account. I had not worked outside the home for about six months. One of the things I need to fill out was my salary. How much money did I make? I remember the teller saying, "So you don't work?" and my reply, "No, I don't work..." I felt like I wasn't even a person any more.

~

Even as I write I see the contradiction in my own life. I want to be a stay at home mom. I can't imagine putting my children in day care. This is not because of what anybody else thinks but because I really feel that this is where I need to be right now. I know for my family it is the right thing.

And yet....
I feel like I need to teach, I need to write, I need to be involved in things outside my home. I need to feel like I matter in the world at large. I need to feel important. I need to be more than the person who cleans the messes.

How do women and mothers find happiness and fulfillment in motherhood? Is the fact that we "need" more an indication of our own deeper needs? Or is it simply a reflection of societies lack of value, even deep misogyny towards women? Are we feeling our own desires and finally in a place in history where we can meet them? Or have we internalised societies obsession with male accomplishments and turned them into our own self hatred?

I find myself struggling with these questions all the time. Will I put off my needs? Will I make them happen sooner, later, or never?

What will you do?

~

I don't know the answer to all these questions.

One thing I do know is that my role as a wife and mother does matter. I can feel it in my bones. I know that this is probably the most important thing that I will ever do. It is deeply significant to me, not just today, but for generations and into the eternities. It is not however the ONLY thing that I ever want to do with my life.

The work that is unique to women in their homes is significant though often silent. It is its own brand of feminism. I think that we as women need to be the first to acknowledge our importance and stop acting like we don't work, don't matter, and don't contribute. We must take back our own power. We must write our own history. We must not accept mediocrity and second best. We can find joy in this work.

If Mama Ran The World....

Sometimes I think about how the world would be different if mamas were in charge.... Here are a few changes I would make...

~There would be a drive-through for EVERYTHING. Including chap stick and eggs. Then, if all the kids were either acting like lunatics or asleep you could still have soap for the next day without a traumatic grocery store trip.

~Actresses would be required to go in public post-partum when they were at least 20 pounds heavier than their ideal. This would really help real women feel less inferior when we really are not inferior- we are just normal and don't have trainers, cooks and expensive corsets. They would also have to have leaky breasts.

~You could buy a car with three rows, that sat eight and it would still get good gas mileage. Try filling up a Suburban in California, it will literally make you ill.

~You could get healthy fast food for you kids that did not include strangely naked apples AND (is this some kind of joke?) caramel dipping sauce.

~All husbands would realize that the magical laundry fairy must take a break for two weeks after mama has a baby, and they would help with laundry instead.

~Wearing a handkerchief over your hair and stretchy pants in public would be considered super sexy AND stylish.

~Pregnancy parking- need I say more? Why isn't this everywhere?

~Sagging breasts would be something all young women yearned to have when they grew up.

~People would have cosmetic surgery in order to GET stretch marks. Mamas with them naturally would be revered.

~Midwives (including the home birth variety) would be covered by all insurance and available in all hospitals and available for a woman's entire lifetime of female care. Consequently about 90% of the Ob's in the world would be out of jobs. Oh, and the c-section rate would plummet.

~A full year of paid maternity leave if you wanted it. (Maybe women do run some countries in Europe...)

~You could buy nice nursing bras in six packs, just like men's socks. Oh--- and they would cost the same as tube socks.

~Daylight savings time: would not exist. Obviously a man invented this. Good luck getting the kids in bed when it is still light outside, and so when do you get any quiet time?! (Again, maybe women run Arizona...)

~The muffin top (not the edible variety, the variety that hangs over your pants) would also be considered super sexy. (Young women everywhere would be heard saying things like "Oh, why doesn't MY skin stretch like that?! You are soooo lucky!")

~Everybody would think it was normal to nurse in public without a cover. Really- it would be normal. There would be no debates, no grossed out teenagers and no need for blankets in the summer.

~It would actually be illegal to ask a pregnant woman if she was having twins OR to tell her she must be due sooner than that because "You are just SOOO big!" The offense would be punishable by caning.

~Automatic laundry folding.

~Airbrushing and photo-shop would not exist. It isn't fair and it isn't real and it just makes everybody look bad.

Admit It- The Child is Difficult, Not Vivacious

Have you ever thought that about your own flesh and blood? You know the thought. You think it but you don't dare speak it. The though is this, "MY GOSH, this child is difficult!!!! Would she just sleep for love of all that is holy!?"

There is a lot of talk about how we describe our children and their personalities. High need, sensitive, smart, even (my favorite) vivacious! It kind of makes me laugh that we have to use words that truthfully, kind of sugar coat things.

I have a hard time being dishonest. Actually, I can accidentally be so truthful that I am outright rude. The same is true when it comes to my own children.

(Disclaimer- I fully expect to be torn apart for this post. But at this point I have realized that people will tear me apart for pretty much anything no matter how I meant it or not so I am throwing caution to the wind.)

Yes- I have a vivacious, sensitive, intelligent and high need child. Around here though she is often just referred to as "stinker pot" or "stormy" for her frequent turns of mood.

Oh we love her. And I mean we LOVE her. We really love her. She is the third so she has a brother and sister who both dote on her and adore her. Sometimes I think that if I had a favorite it would be her. (Of course I don't have a favorite, that would be wrong.) But I tell her every day that she is my favorite baby -- EVER.

She makes me laugh more than any of the other children ever did. I enjoy her more than I can describe. I thought she might be my last so I just held her and loved her and soaked her in when she was born. She is incredibly smart and talks and sings and plays earlier than I remember the others ever doing that. She is a joy and the most entertaining, fun filled child I have ever seen.

And though I would love to describe her as vivacious when she screams "NO!!! MINE!!!!" and smacks somebody in the face, honestly, that is not the first word that comes to mind. And though I know that as a supposed attachment parenting mom I should embrace the sleepless nights with a 17 month old who still wakes every two hours, I actually just want to scream. I guess I could scream but she is already screaming so it would be REALLY loud in the house if I joined in, at three AM no less. I should enjoy the sheer amount of NOISE that one child can produce on a nearly constant basis expressing her every need or displeasure or ache or pain. But, sometimes I just want some peace and quiet.

(I am not looking for advice on sleep training, co-sleeping, getting adjustments, parenting tips or anything else.) At this point in life I sincerely believe that some kids are just not good sleepers and some are. That is just how the chips fall sometimes. Some kids like to please those around them and will adjust their behaviour to do so. And some kids realize that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and so they squeak.

Language is powerful and I understand that. I see the point in using nicer words to describe a child than the ones that immediately come to mind. I understand how calling contractions "rushes" could prepare your mind for a more painless labor. I have heard of labeling theory and I get it.

I also realize though that sometimes the truth is just the truth. Sometimes a kid is harder than others. There a lot of factors: circumstance, birth order, personality, patience of parents, and so on.

The point is not that we dare not tell it like it is. The truth is that sometimes a child is harder than another. Sometimes a child refuses to cooperate in the ways we would like. But the bigger truth is that there is nothing wrong with that.

Will I sometimes say this sweet child is difficult? YES! I will. Because it is sometimes the truth. The other half of that truth is that I love her all the more for it. I enjoy her more because she is strong willed and amazingly intelligent. My love for her grows stronger BECAUSE she requires more patience and kindness and understanding, not in spite of it.

So here is to embracing that difficult, screaming, no sleeping, "oh my gosh I think I am getting a tooth, you know that means I will wake up screaming hourly for a week mom" child. There is nothing wrong with the truth, difficult or not.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot- More Humbling Moments

I don't know why this keeps happening to me, (though the people who know me probably understand it) but I am always getting taught a lesson by the universe.

1) I really thought you could keep a one year old quiet in Costco- then I had a one year old who had figured that screaming bloody murder would get her taken out of a room. Open mouth, insert foot.

2) I did not understand why somebody would quit breastfeeding until I struggled to nurse my first. Then I realized how lucky I was to have had the support I did to make it through that.

3) But I still never understood why anybody would wean before a year, until I had a baby go on a week long nursing strike at 8 months and literally SCREAM at me every time I tried to feed her. (Yes, the same one who screams in Costco). Meanwhile, she was very happy to take a bottle from daddy. Ouch.

4) I didn't understand why somebody would not vaccinate a child until I had a child who reacted to a vaccine.

5) Then I didn't understand why you would vaccinate a baby, until I had two children struggle to breathe and then cough horrendously for an entire summer with a case of whooping cough. All our choices have consequences. We just have to be ready to face them, no matter what they are.

6) I didn't understand why anybody would NOT co-sleep, then I had a husband who had to sleep on the couch for months so that he could get any sleep at all, while I got kicked in the head all night by a rolling toddler.

7) I thought crying it out was cruel and unusual, until I had gone for five years with hardly a night of solid sleep and survived with an average of six hours of broken sleep. Then I understood that sometimes mama needs some sleep so that she can be a nice mom during the day, instead of a raving lunatic.

8) I never understood why people would have kids closer than 2 years apart, until I accidentaly fell pregnant.

9) To boot, that surprise caused my wonderfully nursing one year old to suddenly wean. Guilt all around for mama- again- because I of course never understood why you would take a babies "baby" time away from them. Sometimes, life just happens. It ends up being beautiful despite all our best efforts to the contrary.

Here is to many more years of humbling moments. I must have lots to work on. I guess that is what one gets for having an opinion on everything!

No More Cat Fights

There seems to be constant tearing down of women within the natural childbirth community. Oddly, this assault does not always come from the outside, in fact, quite the opposite, it often comes from within.

You know what I am talking about right? The cat fight. The name calling. The "my way is better than your way". The, "Well I would NEVER do that because I educated myself on the subject" conversation. In junior high it might have involved hair pulling or slapping. Today it involves women behind their computer screens ripping each other apart because they do things differently.

I recently saw a friend and fellow natural childbirth teacher literally torn apart by not just other women, but by other women who even teach the same exact method of natural childbirth that she teaches. Why? Because she did something that they didn't do. I also saw a woman who was kind enough to share her beautiful birth story attacked personally for some of her choices regarding that birth.

I know what you are thinking. Yes, I do. You are thinking that you don't do that. Well, not unless you are SURE you are right.

Right?

Lets face it. We all have a hot button issue. Circumcision. Vaccines. C-sections. Freebirth. Home birth. Co-sleeping. Attachment parenting. Organic foods. Natural birth. Babywearing. Cloth diapering. Breastfeeding. We all have something that we really care deeply about in this community. We care so deeply about it that we sometimes inadvertently offend people who disagree or do differently. Or maybe we go a step further, and verbally attack somebody because they do something differently than us.

You know what is really sad about this to me? The sad part is that we are losing the battle. Yes, I said it. We are losing. C-section rates are at all time highs. Only about one percent of women are birthing at home. Most hospitals have epidural rates of AT LEAST 80%. Very few women are still breastfeeding at six months post-partum. What we are doing is not working.

We can blame this all on the MAN. We can blame it all on THE SYSTEM. You know the one, the one with all the money and the doctors and the fancy studies and scalpels. The system with the free formula and packaged food. They want us to lose, that is for sure. But right now, we are not even a threat. We could blame it all on THEM- but we are forgetting about one of our own worst enemies- US.

We are destroying ourselves from within. We, women who support natural birth and a natural lifestyle and the best for our bodies and our babies and our basic human and female rights are so busy attacking one another for the things that we disagree on that we forget about the things that we actually agree on.

I saw this a few months ago with a Mercola boycott. Dr Mercola is a medical doctor. He is a rare one though in that he is anti-vaccine, and pro-natural. Yes- a medical doctor who preaches AGAINST vaccines! It exists! I saw the article that people were so upset about. They claimed that Dr Mercola was going to make money off of formula. He did mention in the bottom of the article that he was working on a formula free of some of the toxins found in your run of the mill formulas. He mentioned this after a full page of the BENEFITS of breastfeeding, resources to improve breastfeeding (including a link to the La Leche League website) and the evils of the formulas out there.

I honestly don't think that this man is just trying to promote formula. I think he is trying to promote breastfeeding but realizes that there is a need for a decent formula on the market. I live in a very rural area. I have seen a home birth mother who had so many hurdles to breastfeeding that she eventually had to switch to formula. What happened to her? The nasty formula that she had found for her baby was recalled for a bug infestation. There are no milk banks here. There are no options like that for every woman in this country. They simply do not exist everywhere.

Yet what did we see because this man dared to mention providing a decent formula? Attacks from all sides- but all from within the natural community. Did I mention that this is an actual MD who is opposed to vaccines? This guy is on the same team as us. But as soon as he slipped up and did something we disapproved of, the war was on.

On a more personal level, you can see this daily on forums like Facebook or on personal blogs where women are attacked for daring to do something that they shouldn't. And- if it isn't bad enough to step out of the party line, you are really in for it if you dare do it and NOT FEEL GUILTY.

Well I am tired of it. I am tired of women who spend literally hundreds of free hours promoting natural childbirth and empowering women to be in charge of their births being attacked from their fellow teachers. I am tired of home birth moms being criticized by other home birth moms because somebody who doesn't even KNOW them thinks they did things wrong or unsafe or irresponsibly. I am tired of women being ashamed that they bottle feed and having to explain themselves and apologize for it.

We can keep doing that. We can keep saying that it is not OK to attack somebody, unless they are doing X Y or Z ("because those are really special issues to me..."). We can be nasty beneath the guise of whatever it is that is important to us. But we will continue to lose this fight.

We are not each others enemy. The enemy is those institutions that seek to destroy the beauty of birth and motherhood in order to make money. We must attack them and the best way to do it is to support each other.

We are mothers. Mothers love their children. They really do. Even mothers who bottle feed love their children. Yes, even mothers who circumcise love their children. Even mothers who hate co-sleeping love their children. Women who have let their children cry it out, still LOVE THEIR CHILDREN. They might do things differently than you. They might even be WRONG. But I can guarantee you that YOU are wrong sometimes too. And I can promise that we will not convince anybody they are wrong by comparing some of their mothering choices to rape or abuse. They will not listen to us if we talk that way. We will be tuned out and called crazy. We will be considered fringe and even mean. We will lose. And we will further divide mothers.

We have lot of things that are different about us. But I think we have a lot of things in common too. We have children. We love them. We try to do what is best for them. It might look wrong to others. It might even BE wrong. But that is something else we have in common. We are all WRONG sometimes. We will all make mistakes with our children. Every single one of us.

Too many of us are lonely. Motherhood can be very lonely business. I think that might be why so many of us find solace, support and friendship in online forums and blogs. I will admit that that is true for me. I need that outlet and that female support. It is very draining and upsetting when instead of being supportive that outlet turns into a a place where I am afraid to admit my failings because I know that I will be attacked for them.

Here is hoping for a brighter future for women where we can find a common ground. Where we can love people into being better mothers and women instead of arguing with them. Here is hoping that we can come together and fight for each other rather than against.

(On a side note- all apologies if I ever bashed on you for doing something I disagree with. Yes I realize I am a total hypocrite by daring to write this. It won't be the first time I was full of crap. Or the last.)

Count Your Many Blessings

I don't know what it is but I have been so down lately. Maybe it is the hormones, or the rain, or not exercising, but whatever it is I just have been feeling a little sorry for myself. I hate to be like this, but it happens.

About a week ago my husband's came home to tell me that a colleague of his had tragically lost her daughter. The daughter was a grown woman, the mother is divorced, and she was the only child.

I saw the mother tonight. She is, of course, having a hard time with life. She was so happy to meet my children and just held them and hugged them and talked to them. She talked on and on about how wonderful it was to have children in her home again and how beautiful they were.

To her my life didn't look like it was full of stress. It looked like it was full of blessings. Blessings that were gone for her.

Our visit to her took place in the evening. I don't know about you, but the evenings for me are the hardest part of the day. I appear to be kind and patient earlier on in the day, but, I always say that I work a 12 hour shift and it ends at seven. It of course never ends, but by 7pm my patience is wearing thin and I need some quiet time.

So, after all the tumult and yelling to get the kids bathed and loaded, I take them to visit somebody who has lost her only child.

What a moment to realize how silly and transient my problems are. I do have problems, just like anybody else does. Life can seem merciless at times and I wonder why it doesn't seem to realize that I am actually stretched as far as I can go.

Then to see somebody in the depths of their sorrow at the loss of a child, is just such a wake up call. How dare I be an imperfect mother? How dare I ever lose patience, or not appreciate them?

I am so grateful to have three beautiful children. I am grateful to be having another one, despite how inadequate I feel. I am a truly blessed woman to be able to have so many gifts in my life.

I know though that my self reflection will be temporary. I will forget how blessed I am. I will slip back into the bad old habits of self pity, anger and impatience. I hope that I have learned something though. I hope that I am able to hold on to a little bit of this lesson. I hope that I can hold them a little tighter, treat them well everyday, and remember what a gift life is, and how blessed I am to be able to be surrounded by so much of it.

Humbling Moment #547: Women With More Than One Child Are Not Actually Crazy

Maybe you have been there. I remember having my one toddler. I was so patient. So kind. He was always breastfed to sleep. He was worn in a sling. He was loved all the time. He never cried for long periods. I was such a great mom. It was nice.

I remember seeing other women with two or more children. "Why are they so crazy?" I would ask myself. "Why are they so overwhelmed?" Or a really great one, "Why do they keep having kids when they don't seem to be handling the ones they have that well?"

Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahah!!!!!!!

Sorry, I just needed to take a moment to laugh out loud at myself and my total arrogance and lack of understanding.

Fast forward. I now have three. There will be another one this summer. OH MY GOSH! Four kids.

I actually once saw a friend of mine take a tranquilizer because she was having such a hard time with her kids. I think I was just kind of in shock.

I get it now. I am not saying I take tranquilizers, just that I UNDERSTAND why you might want to on certain days. Just saying.

When you have more than one child you start to learn a few things:

~ You are not a perfect mom. Maybe with one you were. But not with three, and sure as heck not when you are full term and have a few others who can easily outrun you. Yelling starts to look REAL good.

~The first one (or second or third) was just easy. You were not actually doing everything right. It was actually just the child. (Oops on all the times you gave other women advice on how to get their baby to sleep through the night, huh?!) No, you don't have any special knowledge, you just got lucky.

~The other one, was just hard. You did not do anything terribly and horribly wrong. Neither did that friend you had with the "naughty" or "out of control" toddler. It was just a harder child or a difficult stage and you were just seeing them at a bad moment.

~Everybody has bad moments. You might have to have a few kids before you see yourself have a bad moment. But wait, it is coming. Sometimes you see a mom in one of her horrid moments. Don't judge her. It is just a MOMENT. She is not actually crazy and it will pass.

~Even though you appear nuts, you love your kids and want MORE. Yes, your hands are full. No you can not afford them. Yes, you sometimes mix up their names. This is not actually an indicator that you have trudged too far down the path of insanity. It is just LIFE. And life can be hard, but children are still awesome. You see the beautiful moments, where everybody gets along and where there is just a touch of the divine in your home.

~There is a reason women with more than one child say things like, "Yes, but I have 4 kids!" like it is an accomplishment. Or the other thing those mom's say, "You only have one."
They are not actually trying to insult you. They just know that with only one child there are a few things that you might not understand yet. And the whole. "I have X amount of kids comment," well, it is kind of an accomplishment. And it does explain some things in your life. Like the the messy purse/car/ or emotional state.

So, to all those mom's out there who I looked at with horror as you yelled or lost patience or cried in public. I apologize. I get it. I am getting mine. Thank you for actually making it look easier than it really is.

Quotes For Mothers

Just wanted to share some of my favorite thoughts on motherhood. Hope they bring you happiness, joy and inspiration.

"In general you noble sisters are doing a much better job of holding it all together and making it work than you realize. May I suggest that you take your challenges one day at a time. Do the best you can. Look at everything through the lens of eternity. If you will do this, life will take on a different perspective."
~
"I fear you sisters do not realize in the smallest part the extent of your influence for good in your families, in the Church, and in society. Your influence for good is incalculable and indescribable."
~
"I truly believe you are instruments in the hands of God in your many roles, especially that of motherhood."
~
"God entrusts women to bear and nurture His children. No other work is more important. Motherhood is such an important role for women. Sacred blessings and righteous influence have flowed into my own life and my family’s lives from my beloved wife, her mother, my own mother, grandmothers, my precious daughters, and granddaughters."
James E Faust
~~
"She knows that the influence of righteous, conscientious, persistent, daily mothering is far more lasting, far more powerful, far more influential than any earthly position or institution invented by man."
Julie B Beck
~~
"Now, mothers, I understand that it sometimes appears that our children aren’t paying attention to the lessons we’re trying to teach them. Believe me—I’ve seen that glazed-over look that comes to the eyes of teenagers just when you’re coming to what you think is the best part of your instruction. Let me assure you that even when you think your daughter is not listening to a thing you say, she is still learning from you as she watches you to see if your actions match your words."
M Russell Ballard
~~
"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women."
Sheri Dew

7 Things I Tell Myself When I Realize I Am 30+ & Breeding Like Mad

It is obvious that I am obsessed with the fact that I am taking a nose dive into my thirties. There is so much pressure to be "important" (read: educated, published, career motivated, wealthy and famous) that choosing the path of "just motherhood" somehow seems lesser, and it is more and more apparent as I edge through my 30's. It is especially grating when I see other people my age who have are far more traveled, educated, and fancy free than I am.

I admit, despite all my talk of motherhood being a feminist statement, I am not immune to pressures of society. I did not think that the most important thing I would be doing with my life as I hurled past 30 would be wiping noses, comforting tears, and doing dishes (by hand no less!). And yet, here I am.

Here are some of the things that I must remind myself of sometimes when I start feeling dissatisfied with the fantastic calling of young motherhood.

1) Some things keep- Ovaries are not one of these things. My chance to procreate easily is now, not in 10 years. And I wouldn't trade it for a degree that I CAN get later.

2) Money-schmuney- True, being broke royally blows. That being said, I would not trade the every day mundane moments for more money so I could work outside my home. Nor do I regret not being able to give my kids everything they want or even need because I had them younger and while struggling through school and new businesses. It is hard enough WITHOUT money to raise kind, grateful, and humble kids. The truth is, they (kids) don't really notice. Plus, I am constantly amazed at the generosity of others and the kindnesses that they are prompted to pour out towards my family.

3) Energy- My mom always said that she had less energy with her last that came at the beginning of her 40's than with her first. I personally cannot IMAGINE having less energy than I have right now. I am banking on relative youth being a bonus when chasing after so many little ones.

4) Wait, I am famous!- Sure, I wanted to have been published by this point in my life. That has not happened (unless self publishing on blogger counts.... um mm no.......) I might not be a famous writer, but every time I take three kids out to the grocery store I AM famous! Apparently I am one of the only people on earth who dares have three kids 5 and under! Look at me! Tell me my hands are full! Go ahead, you know you want to.

5) Hey- my life IS AWESOME!- I remember not wanting to have kids until I had done something important, like traveled the world, learned another language (I can translate three year old though) or sat in an Oprah audience. And, then, I just started having them at 25 while I had a kick-butt (haha) career as a bakery manager. Guess what- being a mom is way better than that. And as an added bonus, I discovered the wonders of natural childbirth and my other passion in life- teaching other new families about it. I can't imagine waiting longer to "find myself" when what really helped me find myself and find my passions was HAVING kids. Before I was spinning my wheels, now I have a real purpose.

6) I snagged a husband when I looked good- True story, I wish I had gone bra-less more when the sisters held themselves up without help. But, you can't regret what you didn't know at the time. That being said, I got married at the crazy age of 20 (and barley). Everybody thought it was a bad idea. In fact, I have sometimes thought it was a bad idea. But, I did it. And, even though sometimes there is nobody else I would rather drop kick, we have helped each other grow into better adults. We have pushed each other and given each other confidence and help when we needed it. Plus, my wedding dress was a size SIX! Don't know if I could do that now.

7) Contrary to popular belief, life does not end at 30!- We focus on youth a lot in our culture. We like to plant those wild oats and have fun and get things done before the 30th birthday and all resulting implosion of fun occours. Guess what though, life doesn't end at 30. It keeps on going on, with the added bonus being that at this point, I actually know what is important and what I most want. Life may not end at 30, but stupidity tends to have a shelf life that expires in your twenties.

The take home message I want to remember when I start to feel inferior and unimportant- life is good, and don't ever forget it.

Peace and joy in your journey through motherhood, no matter what your age.

Tricycles, Bumpy Roads, & Keeping the Faith

-Tricycles-

I went on a short walk with my three kids the other night. My five year old rode his new bike, my three year old rode her tricycle, and the baby was in the stroller which I pushed. The walk was down the street and then back up to our house which is a slight but long hill.

As soon as we started on the way home, sweet girl, aged three, started crying, whining and complaining about how much she HATED the bumpy road.

By the time we made the turn to go up the hill, she was really mad and really crying.

"Carry me!" she says.

"You chose to ride your bike, you need to ride it. Going up the hill will make you stronger when you are bigger. And, mama is already pushing the stroller and she can't carry your tricycle," says mama (appearing quite mean to said three year old).

Mama of course helped push the bike, gave many words of encouragement but would not do the work for her. Sometimes mamas know that little girls need to feel how good it feels to do something they think is hard. Mamas know that you get strong enough to ride a two wheel bike by practicing on a tricycle. And mamas know that a wise mama does not do everything for her babies.

-Keeping the Faith-

Maybe the last six years of sleep deprivation, watching hubby go through graduate school, and all the accompanying worry about how we will eat our next meal have started to wear me out. I like to think I am strong and faithful in my devotion to the Lord.

But lately, I have just felt a little bit overwhelmed, under appreciated, stretched thin, and basically negative about life in general.

I cried myself to sleep the other night wondering why my burden would not be lifted from my shoulders. I was listening to my 15 month old cry in the next room. I was so tired. She was inconsolable. She has never slept well. She doesn't sleep well with us. She doesn't sleep well in her own bed. She just doesn't sleep. Something is always bothering her. I had had enough. I just prayed that this one night I could get a good nights rest. And you know what. I didn't. (This is not an invitation for advice please.)

I asked for something and once again, I did not get it. I didn't think it was an unreasonable request. One good nights sleep. I am honestly TRYING every day to be a good mom. I am trying to do all the things that I believe I should be doing with my life. But when I asked for something I did not get it.

It was so little and so stupid but it really shook my faith. Why could I not have what I wanted, in fact, what I really was sure I NEEDED because I could not take it any more?

I know, I sound like a spoiled three year old myself! I can step back and see that. But, there, in the worn out, sleep deprived, so tired of stress about money, and so tired from trying so hard for what seems like so little, I threw a temper tantrum in my head. It made me question for days and days all that I felt sure of in life.

-Bumpy Roads-

Watching my three year old cry and whine because she didn't get her way when she was SURE she couldn't go on any more was a wake up call. She was tired. She didn't want to go on. She was sure she could not go on. She, in her little girl state of mind saw no value in pushing herself through something that was painful and hard and was for sure, a bumpy road.

"I HATE BUMPY ROADS MAMA!" was all she would say.

"I did not make the road bumpy baby, but you can do it," was all I could say to her.

Motherhood teaches us life's most difficult but necessary lessons. It is a hard calling. And life is often a bumpy road. Like children we don't always see the end from the beginning. Like children we are sometimes totally unaware of our capabilities and our needs. And like children, sometimes, when the road is at it's longest and most bumpy, we must continue to keep the faith and trust someone who does know the end from the beginning. It is the most tempting time to walk away, to lose faith, and to get angry, but it is when it is most important to do just the opposite.

Here is hoping you handle life's bumpy and long roads with more grace and dignity and faith than I. Here is hoping we can learn from our children the lessons that we most desperately need. And here is hoping I can step back and keep the faith.

For the Record-

I was telling my husband the other day how happy I was for him that he enjoys his job now (he is finally working for himself as a Chiropractor, a lifelong dream) and his response took me back.

He said, "I wish you enjoyed doing what you have to do for a living."

Stunned.

Maybe with all my sarcastic remarks, jokes about poop, and mom loneliness, I have given the appearance that I don't love my job.

I just want to state, publicly and for the record, that I LOVE my job. I love my kids. I love my life. I love that I am MOM first and foremost. There is nothing else I would rather be doing right now than raising my babies and getting to be the person every day who takes care of them and yes, cleans up their messes.

I love too that I get to, on the side, educate moms about birth and breastfeeding and the wonder and miracle that is the female body. I love to write about it. I love to talk to and meet other moms. All of my outside of the home passion revolves around my kids. I would not do any of that if it were not for the way that the birth of my first child changed me forever.

I will admit that it is the hardest job that I have ever done. I never feel good enough, I always know I can do more and be better. But, as with anything in life, the things that are the hardest have the biggest rewards and the most meaning.

That's all folks. I just want you to know that I love being a mom. I love it. I want every woman who gets the chance to raise a spirit child to love it too. That is what my outside of mom work is all about.

Peace and love on your journey through motherhood.

Things I Have In Common With the Homeless

Sometimes as a mother of young children I feel the group of people I have the most in common with is not other women my age, or people who vote like me, but rather, the homeless.
(Please don't take this the wrong way- I am not making fun of the homeless, but of myself.)

~Sometimes I fall asleep in very public places where most people DO NOT sleep. I am just so tired!

~I almost always have bodily fluids on my clothes. They are not necessarily mine. I am used to it and it doesn't even bother me any more.

~Most of my clothing doesn't quite fit because I didn't buy it- everything is hand me down. (The joys of children and graduate school combined.)

~I have on more than one occasion been awakened for sleeping in my car in a public parking lot. (Note to others- if a woman is IN the car with her children, nobody is screaming and the windows are open, please, just let her have a nap for goodness sake. Even if it is just outside of the Joann's Fabric.)

~People stare at me with looks akin to fright and/or pity when I walk into a grocery store with the children in tow. Seriously, there is only three of them. We are fine.

~I push a stroller loaded with food, dirty clothes, and what is apparently garbage all over town. There are also children with me and they eat a lot, dirty their clothes, and I don't want to leave the garbage at the park. I am actually just trying to be a conscientious citizen. Plus, I want to stay in shape.

~I will admit that me and/or my children have on occasion been known to urinate in a public park. Seriously, why do they have bathrooms if they are always locked?

~Yes that was me with a bag on the side of the road loading up on walnuts that feel out of a tree. I will have you know that walnuts are healthy, organic, and very expensive to buy! Plus, picking them with the kids teaches them self reliance and thrift.

~I may appear to talk to myself when nobody is there and I sway side to side when I should in fact be still. I am not actually technically insane. I have a lot on my mind, thus the talking. In addition, I have been holding or rocking or nursing a baby constantly for the last six years. I can no longer sit still. Maybe someday that will wear off. But not yet.

~Sometimes I appear to yell at people randomly at the park. Again, I am not going crazy. But if teenagers think that they can drop the F-word around my three year old little girl and get away with it, they have got another thing coming. I am a mom and ten teenagers do not scare me, so watch your language!

~I do things outside of a hospital that seem like they should be done in a hospital. It is not because I don't have insurance. It is because home birth rocks.

~I am a little bit counter culture. I don't do things the way everybody else does. I don't believe all the experts and I don't always try to fit into the mold of what a person should be. People respond sometimes with fear, sometimes with hatred, and sometimes with a little awe. Either way, I'm good.

Choosing Motherhood

I recently received the following e-mail and question from a friend who is looking for honest advice on the choice to become a mother. The question really struck me and actually kept me up most of the night thinking about it.

"I am 31. I am in a loving marriage. I have full confidence that if my guy and I were to have a baby and start a family that we would be the best parents we could be. BUT... I just don't know if I want kids.

Part of me does, so much! I see families and children and I feel ready. I love my friend's baby. I love my husband and I would love to make us into parents. I can picture my unborn children.

But, there's a part of me that doesn't want the hassle- for lots of reasons. There are a lot of people on this earth. There are problems, big problems. There are things I want to do and crazy dreams I want to act on still. Dreams that truly don't work with families and responsibility. all these things take away that "ready" feeling.

My question: Do these thoughts mean that I am not ready? If they don't go away, does that mean I'll never be ready to be a mom? Or are these common thoughts? (ie: cold feet before the wedding).

...but what would you say to someone like me? Someone who would be a good mom and love their babies too, but is still on the fence on having them at all... ? Did you all know that you wanted to be moms??"

This post is different in that it is my thoughts on a question asked specifically to me (and the Mama Birth facebook community). Some of my answers and explanations people will disagree with, for which I apologize. But, I was asked for an honest answer, so here it is.

Honestly, I don't think people should have kids if they don't want them. Children deserve parents who will cherish them and who are willing to sacrifice for them. That being said, I wouldn't exactly call any of my children "planned" nor did I really consider motherhood on this deep of a level. It seems like I just had done a few of the "things" I wanted to do before I had kids, I had reached an appropriate age, and then it happened. So the fact that you are even thinking about this in such a deep way shows that you are thoughtful and aware of the needs of others and want to meet them.

The Hassle-

There are still many non-kid friendly things that I would love to do with my life. One of the biggest struggles for me (and I think for many) as a mom is putting those things off so that I can be the mother that I feel I need to be and that I think my kids deserve.

I know that I want to be a "stay at home mom." My mom was and it just seemed right. I knew I would breastfeed and would want to be attached and with my babies. I actually thought I would go back to working nights when I had my first, but it seemed so impossible once he was here.

He required so much attention and seemed to need so much that only I could give him. I am sure I could have found people to be surrogate mothers for me while I was away, but once he was born, I did not want anybody else to be that mother figure for him, even for a few hours a day.

As poor college students I watched other people's kids so that I could stay home with mine. It always made me sad. Mostly because I realized that I did not love their children as much as I loved my own or as much as their parents loved them. It was harder to care for and be patient with little personalities that I did not understand, who I had not raised, and for whom I had only a babysitters affection.

I guess my point is that you need to determine what kind of mother you want to be and if you are willing to sacrifice what you need to in order to be that kind of mother. If for whatever reason you KNOW that your career will always be first in your life, then maybe kids are not right for you. We don't HAVE to have kids just because we are old enough and that is what people "do."

The Sacrifice

Giving up our own dreams and ambitions is possibly the hardest thing about motherhood. There are places I would love to travel, jobs I would love to have, and degrees I would love to earn that I will not do while I have young children. I could of course do those things if money were abundant, but I don't feel like it would be fair to the children who I brought into the world.

One thing I remind myself is that some of those sacrifices (travel, fun, career) are only temporary. "Just because you have not done it by the time you are 30 does not mean you will never do it," is something I remind myself often.

Someday I will go those places and do those things. I will be older, maybe wiser, and I will hopefully appreciate them more.

One thing I have noticed too though is that my dreams and ambitions changed once I had children. I always wanted to write a book (don't laugh please). Now that I am mother I have a passion within me about certain subjects (maybe you can guess what they are) that I never really thought about before the birth's of my children. I had dreams before kids, but now they are more concrete, more real, and more focused. Before children they were vague and for some reason I had a hard time accomplishing them.

Now, if I care enough about those things, I make them happen. I stay up late. I am more willing to do the things I need to do to get the job done and change the world in the way I think it needs to be changed.

So my point- you don't burst into flames if you haven't accomplished everything you wanted to by the time you turn 30, 35 or 40, and some of those dreams seem so inconsequential after children. At the same time your children will make you care more than you ever thought you could about other things. Your children may become the inspiration for ambitions much greater than the ones you imagine now.

The Big, Bad, Overpopulated World-

I had a teacher in high school who was a big advocate of zero population growth. The idea is that the earth and it's resources are maxed out and we should limit population growth in order to help some of the problems the world faces.

I remember at the time thinking she had a good point. Now, honestly, the whole idea is laughable to me. Bringing a spirit inhabiting a body of flesh and bone to the earth is so much bigger than the problems that the world faces. It is a truly amazing experience that I can not describe properly. I can only say that I simply have a hard time imagining how something so pure and perfect could add to the world's problems.

Are there limited resources? Yes. But I believe that human kind has an amazing ability to find answers to questions that need answers, and solutions to problems that seem to have none.

Is the world full of evil and awful things, people and problems? Certainly. I have no illusions about me being a good mother. I see my many flaws. But I think that every child born who is raised with love and tenderness had an amazing ability to right some of the wrongs, and tip the scales on the side for good. The world may not need more "people" but it does need more "good people."

Any woman who contemplates her ability to mother as deeply as you have certainly has the ability to raise a good person that will make the world a better place to live.

Other Deep Thoughts-

Sometimes the things we fear doing or struggling with as mothers are things that we thought our own mothers did wrong. That is something to consider too as you decide if you are ready. Maybe you are ready, but you just really fear doing things to your children that were done to you.

Do you fear that you will have a hard time with those sacrifices and hassles because it seemed as though your mother did?

For me I remember as a child thinking that my mother was overwhelmed and unhappy. That has been one of my biggest worries as a mother, that my children will see me that way, that they will think that they caused trouble in my life and brought me unhappiness. This is one of the reasons that I feel a need to do things outside of my children (like my blog, teaching others, and community work) that bring me joy. I do not want to be a miserable housewife with no interests who resents her children, but at the same time I want to work within the walls of my home. Finding a balance where I can do both is delicate and difficult. But it can be found.

The idea of the miserable housewife is prevalent and persistent among the feminist movement today. As I read "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan, I remember thinking she was right about so much, but also wrong about so much.

It is possible to be happy and fulfilled as a homemaker. It is possible to give up things like a career without taking happy pills to fill the void. Women can find joy, purpose, direction, and meaning in their children and the work that involves children. Women can have and develop talents without working outside their home. We can also change the world, not just through our children, but through our own works. Sometimes motherhood opens up opportunities that we would not have had without it.

Be careful not to buy into the idea that the only good we can do and the only difference we can make and the most fun we can have is outside of the role of motherhood. It is a lie. It is also one of the blackest forms of misogyny. It is hatred not just for women, but for their special gifts.

Good luck in your journey to motherhood or not. Sometimes I look at women without children and envy some of their gifts, time, and freedom, but I know that some of them envy what I have too. Looking at what others can do or have that we cannot is natural. Finding the joy in the journey that we have chosen is divine.

Someday

Someday-

I will eat a meal by myself and wish I had little ones to share it with.


I will take a lonely shower and wonder where everybody went.


I will miss the noise.


I will sit and knit without somebody tangling the yarn behind me.


I will go to the grocery store alone, and feel like people don't really know who I am because they don't know I am a mother.


I will have clean shoulders, but they will be cold.


I will wish for more to do around the house.


I will wake up in the  morning after sleeping all night long, but the room next to mine will be empty.


I will finish the laundry.... and it will stay finished for a day or so.


I will have clean floors but will hear no pitter patters of little feet just learning to walk.


Someday I will have to rediscover who I am without the constant companionship of little people,


but not today.