Burning Books

I was babysitting for a little boy during his nap time.  He wouldn't go down for his nap again.  When his mom came home I mentioned that maybe he was ready to give up his nap.  She pulled out a book from the shelf, leafed through it, and said, "No- he still needs it.  He is not ready to give up his nap yet."

WHAT!  Mom and baby can not communicate with one another.  You don't know your child best.  He doesn't know what he needs.  THE BOOK DOES!  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

It didn't help that the book was Baby Wise, but I am actually just sick and tired of our dependence on all books for instruction.  When did we forget how to have sex, get pregnant, give birth, feed our babies, parent our babies, and care for our children?

I know, this sounds strange coming from somebody who supposedly teaches others how to give birth, but I am fed up with our dependence on experts.  The sad part is, we actually need it.

We have lost woman to woman knowledge.  How many of you have mothers who gave birth naturally?  How many of you have grandmothers who even remember their births?  How many of you are second generation bottle- fed?

Have we allowed our female power to be taken?  Have we co-opted our innate intelligence to carry, birth, feed and care for our babies so that we can get better jobs?  Have we ignored our instincts because a book or our girlfriends, husband or mother have told us how we "should" be doing things?

TAKE IT BACK!  If you have to read a book in order to know how to give birth then do it.  I have, and I reccomend them to other people too.  But remember this- any book that tells you there is one way to do things is taking your power.  The only advice that you should be getting is learning to tune in to yourself and tune out the outside pressures, influences, and "expert" knowledge.

You know how to birth.  You know how to feed your baby.  You know how to raise your baby.  Don't listen to all the doubt and noise in your head.  Don't listen to your best friend whose babies all sleep through the night because of XYZ program.

Listen to yourself, your power, the spirit that dwells in you.  Let go of the fear and the pressures and the expectations.  Let go of the way you were raised and the stories you have heard.  Seek out other wise women who know the power and the beauty and the humility it takes to raise a spirit in this world.  Turn to your creator in prayer.  Begin a generation of positive, intuitive parenting, birthing, and mothering.

Birth Story: What No One Told Me

I just love the way this mama writes.  She is talented in so many ways and I am sure a fantastic mother.  I met the mom, E while we were pushing our husbands through Chiropractic college in Texas.  I love that this is a first baby, a Bradley Birth, and from a friend who openly talks about the overwhelming emotions that go along with motherhood.

Enjoy!

This post is going to talk about J’s birth.  While birth stories make some people squeamish, I figure most everyone who reads this blog has given birth at some point and will find it interesting.  (i.e. Consider yourself warned.)

I think I was pretty prepared for labor.  It was important to DH and me that J be born with the least medical intervention possible.  That means that we wanted to avoid being induced, having pain killers like an epidural, and the use of forceps, vacuum, espisiotomy, etc.  I won’t get into all the details about why we chose that, but in short, birth is a natural process that has happened without all those interventions for a very long time, and while sometimes those interventions are necessary for the health and survival of baby and mama, we feel they are overused in our society and can have negative effects on said baby and mama.  There you have it.

With that in mind, we took a birthing class called The Bradley Method to prepare ourselves (me mostly) for a natural birth.  We learned all about what to expect during labor – how to get through contractions with different positions and relaxation, the physical and emotional signposts, etc.  Make a birth plan.  Go to the hospital when your contractions are three minutes apart for two hours and last at least a minute.  Walk, walk, walk.  That kinda stuff.  So when I couldn’t sleep for contractions on Saturday, June 20, I did what I was supposed to do – I tried to rest.  Eventually I got up, realized this really was labor, got up DH, and after a couple hours of doing stuff at home I decided it was time to go to the hospital because of some unsavory details I won’t mess up your last meal by sharing.

Our doula met us there, and the next six hours are rather a blur.  I know I sat on a birthing ball the whole time.  I know there was some stress about the heart monitor not picking up the baby’s heartbeat and the other issue I mentioned above.  I am so glad for a cool-headed husband and an understanding doula to take care of all the issues and to support me so I could focus on relaxing.  I know there was some ambient-spa-ish music playing.  And I know I really hated having my dilation checked.

Something crazy happens in labor.  Your body takes over and you are just along for the ride.  You definitely can’t stop those forces.  Second stage with that pushing urge was the strangest sensation I had ever felt.  And the pushing was the hardest thing I have ever done.  While labor was easier than I thought it would be, that pushing was much harder than I could have imagined.  It still sends a shiver up my spine to think about it.

And then the relief of it being over!  Unlike a friend who conquered a 60-hour natural birth a month later, I did not feel empowered and I did not feel ready to go through it again.  I am better now, but man, that was hard.  And I had a relatively fast and easy labor and birth.  I was wonderfully satisfied with myself and grateful for the whole ordeal to be over.

Back to what I felt prepared for.  I knew having a baby would be tough.  I knew it would be a lot of juggle.  I knew my history of depression put me at risk for postpartum depression and I was prepared to fight that battle.  I had heard all about sore nipples and sleepless nights.  Cluster feedings and colic.  Bath time and blowouts.

But no one told me about the love.

I was completely unprepared for the joy of motherhood.  No one warned me about weeping in happiness over the beautiful little child that I would be allowed to raise.  I didn’t know a part of me was missing until I held her in my arms, kissed her forehead, and felt complete.  I couldn’t have expected her beautiful eyes and big grin.  Or the way she would giggle in her sleep.  Or that she would light up when I walked in the room after being gone a while.  Or how soft her hair would be, or how sweet she would smell after her bath.

What a wonderful surprise.

Supporting The New Father

Image this scene.  

You are in labor.  Things are getting hard and you are starting to feel a little overwhelmed and out of your element.   This is your first time doing this!  You had no idea it would be this hard.  You tried to learn everything that you could to prepare but nothing could really prepare you for this real situation.  Just as you are feeling this way, your birth partner or husband steps in.  You have talked in class about positive communication and how you would like to be supported.  Does he do this?  No!  

What does he say?  "You are not doing this right!  You are too tense.  Hold your body like this!  Move like this.  Don't you know anything about having a baby?  Didn't you pay attention in class?"

Oh  my gosh!  You are heartbroken.  You were doing your best, and instead of being the support you need at this difficult time, you get bossed around and told about your failings.  

Back to Reality

Of course I am sure none of you have husbands or partners that would talk to you like this in your hour of need.  But- so often we do this as new mothers to the new dad.  How often have you seen a new mother and father struggle with the new reality of a baby?  Not all parents have ever really had experience with babies before.  

Some dad's are totally comfortable in this situation, but others need some time to figure it out.  Just as you need their support without judgment in labor, they need yours on their journey to fatherhood.  

 It Takes Time

Women often have more experience with children and babies than men do.   It might be easier for mom to hold and comfort an infant at first.  Sometimes dad is akward and uncomfortable.  Some men feel a little self conscious being nurturing in public.   

This is not a time to step in and tell him everything he is doing wrong.  Will that build his feelings of power in a situation he may feel powerless in?  Of course not.  It will make a new dad feel like he is incapable of being a great father.  

If you would not want him to say it to you, then don't say it to him.  Give him the time to figure out how to nurture and hold a baby.  By the way- the way that your baby loves to sleep on you, will probably be different than the way your baby likes to be held by dad.  

Dad's have a special touch and relationship with their children all it's own.  Let him figure that out without judgment and constant correction.  

Take Time For Him 

Now, if you happen to know me personally please know I realize I am not that good at being a wife and mother!  I have to work on this stuff a lot!  (Especially the wife and mother stuff...)

My  husband has pointed out to me as of late that when my son comes home from school I talk to him, ask him how is day went, and basically show interest in his life and  accomplishments.  

Meanwhile, when my husband comes home I am too busy blogging to even look up!  What is wrong with this picture?!  Men need our attention too.  Some will not ask for it like mine does, but they still need it.  

If we take the time to go on dates with and pay attention to our husbands we will get better fathers.  

If however, as soon as a baby comes we ignore him and have totally different priorities, he will notice.  Men are not perfect and they do have egos.  It is hard to not feel sadness and even resentment towards a child who has totally taken over mom's time.  It makes it even harder if every time he tries to pick up and love on that child you tell him what he is doing wrong.  

So Blessed!

Those of us who have good husbands who want to be good fathers are so incredibly lucky!  There are too many guys out there who either never want a family, or do not care for the one they have.  Those men in our lives who try to be good and do good deserve our praise and love, even if they are not doing everything perfect.  

Now- I am going to go practice what I preach! 

Two Birth Stories

Birth story day again!  I love reading the birth stories that women have submitted.  Each is so unique and special.  Today we have two birth stories from one mom.  What I love about these stories is that they show how each birth is special and different.  They also illustrate how we grow with each child and make different choices about birth each time.  I also love how big these babies are!  First time mamas can birth big babies!

Enjoy!

My name is Carrie and my husband and I are proud parents to 5 beautiful children. Each had a birth as unique and special as they are. Here is the birth story of my first born:

Although we were both still in college, we had been married 2 years and decided to start our family. We got pregnant after I returned from a trip (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) and we were estatic! Due date was August 22nd. I said from the beginning that the baby would be born while we were camping at the Iowa State Fair. When August rolled around, we set up our tent like normal and began our vacation. After one tiring day of walking and having to be pushed uphill to our campsite, it really wasn't too surprising that my water broke with a warm splash outside my grandparents camper after a trip to the bathroom. If the amniotic fluids had not released or we were not in a tent, we would have waited longer before making our trip to the hospital. To the hospital we went, excited that the time was finally here for us to meet our long expected baby. First babies take longer, we had heard, so we were prepared for the day. I had positive music and my husband was a wonderful comfort. We had a no nonsense nurse that had me in different positions and my beautiful baby boy entered our world on August 17th. 11:52 pm has always been a special time of night for me as that was the time he was born and I found that there was a new way to love someone. He weighed 9 lbs. 6.3 oz and was 21.5" long. He is now 10 years old and I have been with him every single day of his life.

This is the birth story of my second child...
Although my first birth was a nice experience, it lacked in personal service and I wanted something more, something better for my next child. We had moved to a new city and found that it had a privately owned birth clinic and a Certified Nurse Midwife. I became pregnant in June and the due date was March 28th. I had spotting early on and lost our baby on Labor Day. When my period failed to return, a test revealed that I was pregnant again, only 1 month since losing the first pregnancy. My midwife said that the baby was a determined little soul. So now my due date was July 8th. This pregnancy went so smoothly I didn't want it to end. I developed a personal relationship with the midwife and she became more than a midwife, she became our friend. At 9 pm on June 27th, my contractions began. We alerted the midwife and my mother and sister. They were going to attend the birth and watch our older child at the birthing center. We left for the birth center at 1 am and our midwife had a warm jacuzzi waiting for me. I labored in and out of sleep in the water and then moved to the toilet as my midwife found my uterus to be tipped to one side and I was not dilating evenly. This helped immensely. My second child, my daughter, was born just as the sun peaked over the horizon on June 28th. I felt a power that I never knew I could feel. Like I joined my grandmother's rank of having a truly natural childbirth. Our daughter weighed in at 8 lbs. 15.5 oz and was 21.5" long. She had the longest fingers and a face I couldn't stop staring at. Today, at age 7, she's still a beauty. She entered the world without screaming like my firstborn did and I believe it was because she was surrounded only by people who loved her.

~Carrie

Caroline's Birth Story

I love this beautiful birth of a mother's second child.  I love how it illustrates the help a supportive, loving husband can have and how wonderful a good midwife who listens and values the mother can be.  You remember Jacks Birth Story which we featured last week! 


Enjoy!

I had an appointment with my midwife, Lindsay on Monday afternoon at 2.  I was 5 centimeters dialated and 50% effaced, not much change from what I had been for weeks.  After the appointment, around 3 pm, the contractions I'd been having for days and days began to get stronger and more uncomfortable. 

I went to pick up Jack  from a friend's house and headed home after visiting for a while.  I tried to play with Jack as much as possible once we got home but my contractions were about every 10-12 minutes and quite uncomfortable- not unbearable by any means but I certainly didn't want my toddler bouncing off my tummy during them.  Jason got home from work and we had dinner and put Jack to bed.  I let Hubby know what had been going on with me and that I really thought this was FINALLY the labor we had been waiting on.

Around 8:30 I decided to try to relax and get some rest.  I took a shower and got ready for bed, contractions were now anywhere from 6-10 minutes apart.  Hubby spoke with my mom, who happened to be in Fort Worth, and told her it'd be a good idea for her to come on over, that we thought this was "it".  I got in bed and watched TV instead of going to sleep.  I was too excited to sleep.  Finally around 11:30, Hubby and I went to sleep- he slept, I was up every 10 minutes with contractions.

Around 2am I couldn’t stay in bed any longer and told Hubby was time to get up and get ready to head to the hospital.  We’d decided, since we were 40 minutes from the hospital, that we’d head in as soon as we were “sure” and labor there.  Our hospital is very natural birth friendly so we weren’t concerned with having any unnecessary interventions pushed on us once we were “on the clock” at the hospital.  Poor Hubby, he was very concerned about my water breaking before we arrived since my labor progressed so quickly once my water broke with my son.  He kept telling me “after this contraction, we HAVE TO GO!”  Mom stayed at home with my son till our friend, Erin, could get there to be with him.  Then she left for the hospital.  Husband took full advantage of the “my wife is in labor” card and drove as fast as he could, only slowing at stoplights and stopping when he HAD to.

We arrived at the hospital at 3:16 am.  Upon arrival, my midwife checked me and I was 6 centimeters dialated and 80% effaced.  She walked the halls with me and allowed me to labor on my own for quite some time.  My contractions were now coming every 5 minutes and stayed that way for several hours.  At 10 am my contractions hadn’t changed much and my water hadn’t broken yet.  I had my midwife check me and I was still 6 centimeters, now 90% effaced.  I didn’t want my water artificially broken so I decided to labor for another hour or so and see if I made any more progress.  At 11:30 am, Lindsay checked me again and I was still 6 centimeters and was now 100% effaced.  Apparently my bag of waters was bulging and not allowing the baby’s head to press down to cause me to dialate effectively.  Hubby and I talked it over with the midwife and, since I was exhausted already, I decided to have my water broken.  Once we did that, Caroline’s head moved down and I dialated another centimeter immediately.  With my mom and Hubby by my side, I continued to labor until I felt the urge to push.

I grunted through pain and pressure and Lindsay reassured me I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.  Mom and Husband stroked my hair and held my hands.  Hubby was wonderfully supportive and let me know what a great job I was doing.  I pushed when I needed to and screamed a lot!  I wasn’t screaming in pain though.  My voice gave me power.  With each push, my voice got louder and deeper.  With a big roar, Caroline’s head was born, and with another roar, the rest of her body came out.  Jason was supposed to catch her but she came so quickly he didn’t have time and was just able to help the midwife place her on my tummy.  We were so amazed to see this beautiful creature God had given to us.  We are so blessed and she is perfect!

Pooping in Public and Other Birth Fears

Oh yes- I'm going there!

So- every time I start a class, the first day we talk about some of our biggest fears about birth.  Almost always somebody says that they have heard that women poop during the birth (pushing phase) and they don't want to do that.

Well, who would want to poop in public?  Especially in front of your lover, your doctor, a nurse, and who knows who else?  This seems to be a legitimate concern.  I have even had people say they were glad their doctor ordered an enema(!) because then they did not have to worry about it!!!  We are all potty trained by this point and we know that our feces is considered pretty raunchy- so how do we deal with this basic and reasonable birth fear?


What Are You Really Afraid Of?

I had a woman tell me before the birth of her first child that she wanted the epidural because she didn't want to "lose it" in front of all those people.  She was not talking about pooping - she was talking about screaming, crying and basically falling apart during the birth.

Maybe she pictured a peaceful controlled setting with flowers and soft music.  Birth can have all these things, but it is not a spa day.  You will literally be opening up your most private area for the world to see.  It can be peaceful, but it will also be deeply intense and sacred. 

Personally- I think that when women express fear of having a BM during the birth, they are actually talking about being afraid that they will LOSE CONTROL during the birth.  We wouldn't want that now would we?  Losing control of our bowel function is a very obvious example (not to mention demeaning) of losing control of ourselves.

Let It Go!

We hear a lot of talk relating to natural childbirth about being in control.  Many women choose a home birth or a natural birth because they want to be in control of the situation.  This makes sense in many ways and it is a good reason to be an active participant and make educated birth choices.  It is also imperative though, that we learn to lose control in order to have a good birth.

I believe a woman who never lets go will have a longer birth.  She can control her own cervix and not let it open.  She can do this with her own anxiety and fear and desire to control the situation.

When we talk about transition labor being hard we are talking about a time when you lose control over your body.  You open up so fast that it is overwhelming and you give up your control of the situation.  This is kind of scary but it is a necessary part of birth.

Safety

It is imperative that you birth in a safe place with- oh yes- people you can poop in front of.  So, when you are out there choosing your care provider and your birth place, don't forget to ask yourself, "Could I poop in front of this person?  Would they still love me after?"

Birth is an amazing moment where we give our bodies over for the life of another.  Choose to do it in a place you feel safe and loved and supported.  And yes- it is still empowering even if you poop.

Being A Great Birth Coach

You see husbands in a childbirth class and you can watch them start to freak out as they realize the magnitude of what they have gotten themselves into.  We talk about countless positions, relaxation methods, interventions, emotional signposts, biology and honestly- it is overwhelming for most men.  It just looks like so so much to remember and they naturally fear that they will forget something.

Some natural birth supporters have even gone so far as to say that fathers should not be in the delivery room because it is too disturbing for them to watch and even damaging to the relationship.  What does dad need to know in order to be a help instead of a problem?

Dr Bradley

Obviously, Dr Bradley, who along with Jay and Marjie Hathaway, founded the Bradley Method also called Husband Coached Childbirth, thought that husbands should be present.  He felt like the lover, trained in the ways of birth could be of most help to mother, with Dr or Midwife just there as a lifeguard to their sacred dance. 

I think Dr Bradley made some huge changes in maternity care- but it pretty much stopped at getting the husband in the delivery room.  All his stuff about very low medication rates has been tossed along the wayside. Today we see almost every father present at delivery, but very few of them are trained or knowledgeable about birth.  They are just as afraid as their wives. 


Father As Protector

Ask a woman about birth and the words that most often come to mind first are fear and pain.  Given how fearful women are and how truly disturbing birth often is in this country, there is no doubt that this can be an incredibly hard situation for a loving father. 

Consider how distraught a father would be after viewing a "birth" that more resembles a sexual assault.  His wife is drugged, strapped to a bed, attached to numerous machines, her private parts are entered at the whim of nameless care providers, machines beep away indicating her "progress".  Dad has no idea what is going on.  He bows to the superior knowledge of the medical machine.  Meanwhile, a man, husband, lover, and soon to be father, begins his journey as a father feeling helpless and worthless.  He is unable to offer comfort, support, knowledge, or pain relief.  Should he be there? 

Training

I can not imagine the birth of my children without the presence of their father.  He was of utmost help to me.  This was not because he insturcted my pushing or my breathing or position changes.  It was just becuase he was there- and because he was calm. 

I think the absolute most important thing that a father can bring to the table is trust in his partners ability to birth their baby.  If he is scared and doesn't believe in her- she will know.  This could definitly hurt the process, not to mention her feelings. 

My husband does not tell me what to do.  He doesn't have loads of information memorized about birth.  He does however have a deeply held belief in the ability of the human body to do a miraculous work.  He always believed that I could do it.  He was calm and believed in me when I did not.  When I have sobbed or screamed that "I can not do this" his simple and peaceful answer was always- "Yes- you can".

So- of course a loving trained father is a wonderful asset at a birth.  He does however need to trust in his partner.  Taking an out of hospital childbirth class is an excellent way to get over the fear and misinformation out there and learn to trust in birth.  The couples that do the best are the ones where dad is involved and reading and loving throughout the entire process.