Mom: Alone

I asked for ideas on blog topics the other day and one of the first suggestions was dealing with being a mom when hubby is gone most of the time working.

Hmmmm.....

The funny thing is I have been struggling the last few months with this same thing. My husband often works late and has been often called away with other duties. And then, as if my anxiety level wasn't high enough, he got sick and was stuck on the couch for a few weeks. (He was then HOME but, to put it nicely, useless. I always thought it was mean when women referred to their husbands as another child to care for, but in this instance, it kind of felt like that.)

So, this is not a subject that I feel I have a lot of wisdom on but I will try to throw together a simple ingredient list of things that can help a mama trying to do it alone a lot of the time.

Ingredient 1- Gratitude!-

I remind myself that though dad might be gone often and busy and maybe not helping, I am lucky that my children have a father who is part of their life and is willing and able to work in order to support them. Step one for me in remaining positive is NOT focusing on the fact that I am getting a bunch of kids ready by myself and nobody helps me with the laundry.

I am simply so very grateful for a husband who tries, has stuck around, and shares my desire to have mama at home while the kids are young. There are so many single mothers out there who not only get to do all the child rearing alone, but also must do the providing alone. Having a husband who is gone a lot is a blessing when he is a good father and provider. So- Kudos and blessings to single mothers and their work.

Ingredient 2- Don't Complain-

In full disclosure, I have a really HARD time with this. I have spent many a bitter moment not wanting to handle another day alone.

That being said, keeping our complaints to ourselves, at least from our children (sometimes you just need to talk to a girlfriend though), is really important. For one thing, the more we talk about something, the more it becomes us. So, if I don't want to be an unhappy complainer, then I probably shouldn't act like one.

I always think of my mother when I think about going through difficult situations without complaint. Growing up my father seriously worked long hours away, like 6-8 months at a time with hardly a telephone call. Now that I have had a few children like she did and have had my spouse gone for even a few days at a time, I have no idea how she did it. I can honestly say though that NEVER once the whole time I was growing up did I ever hear her complain. Not once.

When people would tell me how "hard that must be" with my dad gone all the time, I honestly had no idea what they meant. It just had always been my life and mom never complained about it so it seemed just normal to me. So step two, fake it till you make it!

Ingredient 3- Accept Help-

Sometimes, it takes a village, especially when you are practically raising a village. When I go out in public, to the store, or to church, people think I have my hands full, and often, they offer to help. Yea for nice people!

I would like very much to be totally self reliant, self sufficient and basically awesome at wrangling toddlers, nursing babies, and breaking up scuffles between the older ones all at the same time. But alas, I suck at that. So, when I go to the grocery store, sometimes some random person helps me put a kid in the grocery cart or opens a door for me. Sometimes a friend or family member offers to take a child for an hour or two. When I go to church, people help me hold a baby or distract a two year old or sit with a child. And if they don't offer, I ask. Or I just hand some poor unsuspecting soul a baby.

The reality is when there are many (or even one or two) children of a certain age, help is, well, helpful. One of the many lessons of motherhood is learning humility and the need for others. And, in a few years, maybe I will be more aware of the needs of some other young mother and she won't need to ask, because I or you have already been there and know what it feels like.

Ingredient 4- Hard Isn't Necessarily BAD-

Many a time in the years of schooling, stress, new business, not enough cash, illness, the unexpected and everything else that makes up normal life, I have found myself just wishing that it would all be easier! This may be a lame emotion, but I am pretty sure that I am not lonely in feeling that life sometimes is just beyond my ability to handle it well.

Sometimes it is helpful though to step back and realize that having things easy is not always the best way in the long term. This story really helped me remember that:

"I remember a young couple just out of college. One parent gave them a home; the other parent gave them furnishings and a new car. They had everything in the world given to them. Within three years they were divorced. They hadn’t worked and sacrificed. They had leaned on each other and on their parents as a crutch, had crippled themselves, and hadn’t grown. They hadn’t learned the hard part. They hadn’t worried about making their marriage work. Make sure you sacrifice, share, and grow together." Robert D Hales

It probably sounds somewhat cliche- but sometimes what doesn't kill you DOES in fact make you stronger. Hard things in life and marriage have the ability to bind us closer together as we find a way to make it through together. Admittedly, sometimes those hard times pull people apart- but I really don't want to let that happen in my relationship. Looking back, I can see how the difficulties taught us (and me) lessons that I needed to handle the next part of life.

So hard, is sometimes a GOOD thing.

Ingredient 5- Don't Give Up-

The more I hear from other mothers and women, the more I realize how much we have in common and how familiar the struggles I have are to others. So, maybe I am not alone when sometimes as an overwhelmed, over hormoned, mama, I just feel like I can't take any more.

But hope is important and so is hanging in there. We don't have to be perfect every day when we are mothers. We have to try- really try- but perfection is not going to happen very often. And when it does, somebody will start a fun new "phase" to change things up for our learning and growth.

I genuinely believe though that when mom is mom alone much of the time that this whole concept of hanging in there is harder. It is harder to always be patient and kind when you never get a break and every shower ends with a neighbor bringing some escape artist kid to the front door. (Excuse me for having to take a pee!)

But when we are mom alone, we really need to hang in there. Our family depends on us, maybe more than ever. I love the imagery in this description:

" ...marriage is like climbing a mountain. You tie yourself to an eternal companion, and you start up the mountain. As children come along, you tie into them as well and continue your journey. The ropes will hold all of the mountain climbers together, but the wind, rain, snow, and ice—challenges of the world—will tear at you to pull you off that mountain.

If Mom or Dad gives up and cuts the rope that binds them to each other and their children, chances are that one or the other may fall off the mountain and perhaps pull down other family members with them. The whole family could fall off that mountain and not reach the eternal summit. We can’t take that chance. Let us always be mindful that as members of a family, we are tied to a mountain team...

A popular proverb says, “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we will ascend together.”"

Robert D Hales

Staying hopeful, joyful, and lifting each other- not just in our relationships with our family but together as women, is so important in doing the amazing job of mothering. This is one of the reasons why I go on and on about the importance of women simply being nice to each other. Many of us just need each others support.

Good luck to all of you who through work, divorce, death or life circumstances find yourselves alone as you mother. May you never feel alone and may we lift one another.

(The quotes were pulled from this source.)

A Pregnancy Gratitude List

I think gratitude must be one of the greatest virtues. It is definitely something that I want my children to carry with them always- a deep gratitude for the blessings in their life. Our outlook in this area can make us a happy or depressed person.

It seems so common today to focus on all the things wrong with pregnancy. So often that is what is focused on in every visit- all the pain, suffering and physical "illness" that accompanies pregnancy and birth. I believe this has a deep and hidden impact on the entire birth process and introduction to motherhood.

So, in that light I wanted to take a minute to count some of my blessings today and some of the good things about this pregnancy, even though I have entered the final and less comfortable stages. I am not telling you what to do- but maybe we can all make a list like this for wherever we are in our lives.

~I was grateful today that my six year old son put his clothes away without being asked. I am pretty sure I am getting most things wrong when it comes to mothering, but I am grateful for a child who manages to be pretty awesome, kind, and thoughtful, despite me. What a blessing the spirits that these kids come with are in my life.

~I was so glad today to see the SUN! After a long, rainy, Northern California winter, spring is finally here! I love the sun and just being able to be outside with my kids and soak up those vitamins. Beautiful day...

~I am grateful to be pregnant. There are aches and pains and things that are hard about it, but I know what a blessed woman I am to have the opportunity to have four little children and to have had the pleasure of growing them in my body. What an unexplainable miracle, the gift of life.

~I am grateful that my husband mopped for me today. I have spent too many hours focusing on all the stuff he does wrong. How nice that he eased my burden when I was tired.

~ I am grateful for eggs. They are not that fun to clean off the floor, but they are yummy to eat- even for dinner. And- they cook pretty fast. Plus the kids loved them. It is always a bonus when I don't have to beg everybody to consume their food. A thumbs up from a six year old when he tasted his dinner, for some odd reason, really warms my heart. What is better than that?

~Chocolate. And lemon bars. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help it. Plus, how amazing is it that around three pm when I start to crash, I can have one little piece of dark chocolate and suddenly have the energy and patience to make it through the rest of the day? I am also grateful that chocolate is legal and available. Wonderful.

~My toddler. We talk a lot about the difficulties of toddlers. You know what though? I think it is really a fun age. They have personality, they are getting verbal, and they can really play with their siblings, but they still really LOVE mama. This one has a strong personality and the odd combination of both intelligence AND perseverance. (I always thought people really only needed one or the other....) But I just love that child so much. She is amazing, entertaining, funny, and also so thoughtful, kind and eager to please. How do I keep getting blessed with these wonderful kids?

~Our home. I am grateful for a place to live. It is such an amazing thing to have a place for us to all be together, cook together, play together and sleep safely each night. My son told me today that not everybody has a home, some people sleep outside- very true, very true.

~Waking up to my beautiful three year olds face. I don't know how I ended up with such a beautiful daughter who really looks like a princess. But there she is. So far, she has been my "easy" child. If you have enough kids this sometimes happens. Talented, friendly, lovable, intuitive, and thoughtful, she actually took a neighbor flowers today because she was sick. I wish I could take credit for their personalities. How do they come wired to be so dang great?!

~Last but not least: spandex and all other fake yet stretchy fabrics. They are truly a beautiful invention. Something that can be worn while pregnant AND post partum is just something of a miracle. Plus, when it has the added bonus of being comfortable and passably stylish, it doesn't get much better than that.

As it turns out, I am blessed with a pretty amazing life. I hope you are too-

In gratitude....

This Will Be Funny In 10 Years...

This will be funny in ten years.....

~The precocious, vivacious, possibly genius toddler who learned to open the fridge.....and of course, prefers to play with the raw eggs.

~The stain right on the stomach of all maternity shirts.

~Realizing that the toddler (who you were fool enough to leave un-diapered for two minutes) has pooped, asking her where she pooped, and then turning around to go look for it only to realize that you just found out where she pooped. And you are standing in it. At least you were wearing socks. And the carpet is already old.

~Getting angry about car seats on a Facebook page with people you have never met before.

~The irony of realizing that you (in your ultimate positive attitude) gave away all large maternity clothes. You were thinking "Oh, I won't get that big this time." Now you are in your third trimester and have grown out of hubby's scrubs. Oops. Good thing sweat pants never go out of style..... Right?

~The daily dumping of magazines and books onto the floor by the toddler. (I know, she comes up a lot. Something about toddlers.)

~The ripped, smelly, stained, small and decidedly ugly couch that has survived many moves, urination, vomiting, couple fights (makes a nice bed for guy in the dog house) and even the birth of a child, that is the focal point of your TV room.

~Five people (one of them heavily pregnant) in a full size bed.

~Not being able to sleep (does anybody else get third trimester insomnia?!) on the night that above mentioned toddler ACTUALLY sleeps!? ACK!

~Plumber's crack. Not the plumber. Not the husband. No- it is yours. (In my defense- I have no waist right now and my pants just don't stay up.)

~Buying a Suburban because it will fit all your kids and it is a great deal, only to have gas prices rise to FOUR dollars a gallon shortly thereafter. Actually, this may never be funny.

~A three year old who wets herself because, "Mommy, I want to wear a different dress!" but has been potty trained for a few years.

Is it possible that finding joy in this journey means... laughing at it now? Here is to finding the humour in every day. Good luck mamas.

Five Things I Wish I Knew As A New Mother

I feel so blessed to be able to teach and learn from expecting families as my fun side "job". I realized though, after a somewhat worried e-mail from a former student that I sometimes forget about them after they have left the class.

I have so many students now plus my own family that I can't really feasibly help everybody through the early days of motherhood, but I wish I could. I feel strongly that women at this most vulnerable time in their lives are so often left alone in our culture. They often feel isolated and overwhelmed as they switch from competent career woman to "why is this baby crying?!" mom.

I remember those first weeks and months with my first baby, and for me, they were difficult. Mothering didn't come easy to me. I had never cared for young children. I had never been physically depleted and never been so socially isolated as I was in those early months.

Here are the things I wish I had known then.

~You will love your baby~


Of course I loved my baby, but unlike some women, I didn't feel an immediate understanding or overwhelming bond with my baby. Maybe this had something to do with some postpartum things that happened, but no matter why, it was difficult and overwhelming at a sensitive time.

Sometimes that immediate bond doesn't come right away- but it does come. Serving the baby twenty-four hours a day, as you will as a new mother, teaches love. Service is truly a vehicle for love. I think that is one of the reasons why babies NEED their mothers so much, so that we can learn to love them so much that we will remember it forever and through all of life's hard times.

I wish I had felt less guilt, and just trusted that love grows, day in and day out.

~You will learn to mother~

I never had that important of a job or career, but I was hard worker and my bosses liked me. I felt like I mattered and helped. School was also enjoyable and made me feel competent.

Going from somebody who knew what she was doing and could instruct others to somebody who had no idea if the baby was hungry, tired, or in pain was difficult for me. I would watch in awe as experienced mothers would visit, pick up my baby, and suddenly he would stop crying. What?! I am his mama, why can't I do that?!

For me, learning how to read and understand a baby took time and effort and more time. It is a learning experience. Because it is an all day, every day job, that can be exhausting and overwhelming. But somehow it happened. When I had my second, suddenly I knew what she needed, as if by magic.

Mothering is amazing, but it is also sometimes learned. Don't beat yourself up if it takes you some time to learn it.

~Advice is nice, unless it is wrong. Instincts however...tend to be right~

There is so much information out there and it comes from everywhere. There are books and relatives and friends and blogs and online forums. All are full of self proclaimed experts who will tell you what to do. (Yes, even me.)

I remember trying to do everything right according to a popular attachment parenting book. Guess what, my baby still screamed sometimes! I remember just closing that book and deciding to just do this myself and stop trying to check every box on the attached parent manual.

Sometimes books and experts are extremely helpful. But sometimes they just cloud your judgment and your natural instincts when you need to hear them the most. Everybody has an opinion, that is a given, what we forget is that everybody also has DIFFERENT kids and different life experiences.

Some babies nurse every hour. Some nurse every three hours for only five or ten minutes at a time. Both may grow happy and healthy and chubby. The trick I found, was to worry less and listen to my baby and my instincts more. By the way, I have had both types of baby. One I filled out charts for to show to lactation consultants, counted diapers and timed feedings to make sure they were long enough. The other one I just (horror of horrors) FED when hungry. Both are alive and well, but one had a much more stressed mother.

~Breastfeeding gets easier~

Somebody told me that it takes two weeks to get good at nursing and two months to become expert at it. It is great when nursing just happens beautifully right away, I have been blessed with that too. But sometimes, it is a rocky start.

Doing everything you can to prepare, learn, and make sure latch is right and all is well is important. It is also however, important just to recognize that easy breastfeeding sometimes just requires some time and patience.

~You will mess up, and it will still be OK~

I try to remind myself that my children are not made of tissue paper. Sometimes I see people so stressed about a stage or a parenting choice, they seem to think that one wrong move on their part will scar the child FOREVER.

It is important to always try our best.

It is also important to take a breath and realize that no matter how hard we try, we will make mistakes, and we will fail, and life will still go on. Being imperfect is actually not a horrible thing in a parent. It makes us human and it teaches our children some important lessons too.

I hope I can remember that mistakes are mandatory BUT they do not ruin children unless they are done with hatred or neglect. Accepting my imperfections while continuing to be better makes life a little less stressful.
~~~
~Wishing all mothers wisdom and patience, not just with their children, but also with themselves. You can do this.~

In Defense of the Bigger Family

I posted a blog a little while ago about some of the humility I gained as I became mother to more and more children (I only have three of course). I received more good feedback on that post than I had on any other I had ever made.

Of course, with the good comes the bad. I also really offended some moms of one child. Normally I am not bothered by a little negative feedback. Truthfully, I am amazed that anybody reads, considering I am just a ranting small town girl with a computer.

For some reason though, this got to me. Maybe it was because how they read it was so different from how I meant it. Of course, I never intended to insult women who choose or can only have one child. As I read through some of the things they said about me on a mom of one forum I was also kind of amazed at how ostracized these mom's felt from other moms who had many kids, but also how they looked down on bigger families.

In my post I poked fun at myself and my bad moments and some of the chaos that accompanies the addition of each new child. There were lots of comments about how much preferable it was to have one child and avoid the crazy moments and some even mentioned that they were glad they were not crazy moms but could really devote time to their one child and care for them and never forget their name.

(For the record, in the post I said that I was a great mom when I only had one. Ummm, that was a lie.....or a joke. I have never been a great mom. I was never a great person BEFORE I had kids. And guess what, as I have more I am still.....HUMAN! I don't know if having more kids has made me more crazy and less patient. It has just made me more ME. And I, much like most other people, am flawed. Flawed people end up being flawed parents, no matter how many kids they have or don't have.)

I don't think there is anything wrong with having one child. I also remember what it was like to have one (believe it or not) since even though I have more now, I started with one. I remember being worried to add another child. I wondered how I could give them the attention that I was able to give my first. Could I care for them enough? Would I be calm and kind and loving? It was the scariest part of adding a child for me, wondering if I could give what I needed to, and also wondering what it would take away from my first and dearly loved baby.

So, despite the fact that it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, and I shouldn't care anyway, I can not help but note some of the benefits I find for my family as we add more children. Maybe there are times when I poke fun at the chaos, the emotions and the craziness that is being a mother. That does not mean I don't love it. (This was also pointed out, that I focused on all the negative aspects of mothering many). So, here are some of the things I notice that I LOVE about having children. (Note- again, not condemning you if you choose to have none or one- seriously, not my business! I have never met you! And of course, you can give your kids all of this with just one!)

Do you give them enough care?

I am sure it depends on your birth spacing, but I found that for me, I did parent my second child differently than my first. Personally I don't think that is a bad thing. I have heard women worry about this a lot. To me though, if you treat every child the same, you are not only not learning anything, you are also not honoring the differences in those children.

Yes, my second child did not get picked up every time she rolled over and whimpered. My first did. I remember the first time I really heard him cry. He was a few weeks old. The ONLY reason he cried like that was because he was in a car seat. I was the first time I couldn't pick him up at the first noise. He was horrified, red and screaming. As was I. I think I was pretty close to a panic attack and considered swearing off outings for the rest of his life.

My second did not get picked up at the first noise. I was literally sometimes cleaning up toddler poop when she was awaken slightly. I found, much to my amazement, that sometimes by the time I got to her, she was soundly asleep again. (Mind you this did not go on into screaming fits or last long, it was just that sometimes babies make a noise, and fall back asleep.) I honestly did not know this was possible with my first.

So- yes, I gave my kids different things. I met their needs differently. They had different needs because they were different children and because the situation was different. That is OK in my book.
Do you give your kids the attention they need?

Some mom's find that though love never runs out, sometimes time does. More children can sometimes mean less one on one time with each one. I have found though that though I can't give as much of myself to each child, I am so glad that I can give them each other.

My kids love each other. I have been so grateful on so many occasions that I have been able to give them sibling relationships. They LOVE having new babies. They ask for another one every time we get a new one. I do not see any jealously of the new one, only love. This is not to say that there is no acting out or desire for baby attention or regression. Some of those things happen. But the kids love each other.

I can not imagine not having my siblings and I am grateful that my kids will have each other after I am gone. The sibling relationship is usually the longest relationship that most people have in their lifetime. I have no regrets about my kids being able to have that.

Yes, but do they get to be KIDS? Don't kids get responsibility piled on them too early when there are lots of siblings?

I have met people form big families who choose to have no children or only one because they felt like they had to raise their siblings. I only have a few kids so I don't feel like this is an issue. And of course, I make an effort not to do this to my kids.

I will say though that when a new baby comes into the family, I do expect some things from the other kids. I will ask a toddler to help get a diaper or a glass of water or a baby toy. I might notice that since I am not doing everything for the other child, surprise surprise, they start to do it themselves!

Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Kids love to help and it makes them feel great about themselves. (Just like it makes adults feel good to serve.) Letting a child do things on their own, is also not a burden but a blessing.

Could you do this with one child- of course. Could you wait on 5 or 6 kids hand and foot- yes (seen that too). But, as I have more I expect more and I realize they are capable of more than I thought they were. There is nothing wrong with children learning that a family takes work and that they are an important part of that work.

But you can't afford your kids....

It is edging towards Christmas once again in our house. I am sure that someday money will not be a point of stress and contention. Unfortunately, that day is not here yet. I will admit, that I would love to have gobs of cash. Really, I would love it.

That being said, my kids only notice what we don't have if I point it out. Do they want lots of things? Yes. They do. And as their mom, I naturally want to give them these things. When I have more, I give more (monetarily speaking).

I notice though that the more I give them in materials, the less I care for how grateful they are. It is hard to go without. But I don't know if it is a bad thing for kids to learn that they don't get everything they want. Having less money to go around forces you to say no sometimes and it forces children to learn that stuff is not always necessary.

The End...

I am grateful that anybody reads this blog. I am sorry that anybody was offended. I do not however take back anything I said. I poke fun at myself. I make fun of the hard moments. I admit that they happen. It makes me feel better to be honest about my life. You know what else, I think it makes other mothers feel better too. So much of the time we are just trying to look like we have got it together. But if everybody looks perfect and put together, you sure feel lonely when you are not that way. If I can do anything from my little wooden chair I would love to make other mothers feel less alone. You are not alone.

Can having more than one child be crazy and hard? Yes. I don't know if it is any crazier or harder than having one though. LIFE is just crazy and hard. That is part of it. We can learn form it and laugh at it and be honest about it, or we can cry in our rooms alone. I choose to laugh. Most days.....

Confessions of a Pregnant Mama

I don't know why but I find public mass confession so soothing and cathartic. Here I go again.

I am pregnant, for the fourth time. I should be used to this by now. I should be an old hand at birth and mothering. I am not. I am scared. And I am scared of lots of things, many of them stupid.

~I am scared to death of going shopping with three little ones hugely pregnant with number four and having people STARE at me and tell me my hands are full. I am scared of what they will think of me. I am scared they will see that I am actually not handling things well and that they really KNOW that my hands are full and I NEED HELP. I know I should just say, "Oh my hands are full of blessings!" But, sometimes they just feel FULL.

~I am scared to death about screwing up yet another perfect child with all of my parenting mishaps and mistakes and horrors. Will they need therapy? Probably. Will I be able to afford it? Probably not.

~I am scared of fat arms again. Yes I realize that this makes me sound vain and selfish and downright silly. But I don't like it when my arms are fatter. I just don't. I am vain. So there.

~Birth- yes I have had three (count them!) three natural births. You know what. They each get faster and so they each get a little more intense and harder. People say you forget what it feels like. Well, I have news for you. If you have three kids in 5 years you don't forget.

~Performance anxiety. I have birth performance anxiety. Yes, I know, once again I am being vain and foolish. I am fully AWARE of my silliness! I teach natural childbirth. I am a vocal proponent of natural and home birth and I don't want to screw this up! I don't. That is a really dumb reason to be afraid of birth but there it is.

~My children will take advantage of me in my slow and cow like state. That is for sure. I know for experience that a two year old can EASILY outrun me when I am anywhere near full term. Baby number three will not even be two when this one is born and let me tell you, she is already my most feisty. This could get interesting.

~Money. Money is an issue. I wish there were more of it. Wait, there is plenty of it. It just is not in my bank account. I know that money technically doesn't not bring happiness, but as they say in How To Marry A Millionaire, "It doesn't exactly depress me either."

~I am pretty sure I can not handle this. Yes, pretty sure. If I am not doing that much of a bang up job with three then it is a given that four will be even more, shall we say, interesting. And you know what, because I have more kids than average, I desperately want to appear as though I am ACTUALLY handling things. Yes, I know I care to much about appearances.

Ahh, Ladies. Thanks for letting me get all crazy and hormonal and self obsessed on you. I sincerely hope that I can learn to handle life better than I do currently, and that my children will know, in the end, that no matter how badly I screwed up, I loved them so much through it all. Yes, that is what I want most, for them to know that I loved them.

Wish me luck, and of course, good luck to you.