What That Pregnant Woman Really Thinks When You Say That

Despite the fact that I can actually be an incredibly rude person, when somebody puts their foot in their mouth with a comment surrounding my pregnancy, I never have anything rude to say back. Maybe I was just taught really well to be polite? (Anybody who knows me is laughing right about now.)

Maybe I am just stunned? I don't know. But, on behalf of oversensitive, overweight (in a beautiful, glowing, pregnant way) and over insulted pregnant women everywhere, here is a list of what people say, what I say, and what I really think.

If you think delving into the depths of my subconscious is a little disturbing, don't say I didn't warn you.

Quote 1:
"Are you having twins?! Are you SURE?!"

What I say:
(Nervous laughter and polite smile.) "No, haha. I had the midwife check. Just one in there."

What I am thinking:
"Seriously? Why on earth would you say that to me? And what is YOUR excuse for the extra 15 pounds?"

Quote 2:
"Still pregnant?"

What I say:
"Yep! (nervous laughter)

What I am thinking:
"If I were not pregnant I would be holding the baby OUTSIDE of my body."

Quote 3:
"You look like you're about to pop!"

What I say:
"Haha."
(This one always takes me by surprise.)

What I am thinking:
"FFFFFF YOU!"
(I know, totally inappropriate for a Mormon housewife to even think that. But there it is.)

Quote 4:
"When are you going to have that baby?!"
(Repeat daily for three months from various strangers.)

What I say:
"Oh you know, they just come when they are ready. One of life's beautiful surprises."

What I am thinking:
"If I knew that I would be A) Psychic, B) Some sort of deity, or C) An OB. What is so hard about a baby coming when it is ready. Do we have to plan everything?"

Quote 5:
(Said when out in public with 'gasp!' all three kids and pregnant belly.)
"Wow. You are going to have your hands full." ~Must be said in a voice that is a mixture of shock and horror.~

What I say:
"Oh....haha!"
(Why is my response almost always a smile and nervous laughter?! Seriously, my parents are not this polite!)

What I am thinking:
(On a bad day.)
"Are you kidding me, my hands ARE full. I am secretly freaking out, wondering if my sanity will survive and more importantly, if my kids will turn out to be functional adults. Can you get the door for me, load the groceries in the car (even after I say I don't need help) and then help push me into my Suburban that conveniently has a four inch lift?"

(On a good day.)

"I love my kids! I couldn't imagine life without them! They are the best thing that every happened to me and in no way a burden. Why does everybody seem so afraid of children? They are awesome."

Quote 6:
"You look beautiful."

What I say:
(Well I might just burst into tears and not say anything.)

What I am thinking:
"Thank you. I really needed that. And I am just crying because I am emotional, not because I am certifiable. "

Quote 6:
"Do you need anything?"

What I say:
"No! I feel great! Thanks though."

What I am thinking:
"I think I need a donut. Where can I get a donut where nobody will recognize me?"

I Am Uncomfortable

As I have come closer to the end of this pregnancy I realize I just don't have much to say. Maybe it is harder to give advice, council and thoughts on birth when your own birth is looming ever presently on the horizon. Maybe the preparations for said birth take up too much time and thought to think much about trivial things like a blog. Maybe I realize that this is also just not a time of life where I can handle much negative feedback or criticism, which makes blogging a little scary.

So, no advice today, just my own thoughts on how I will possibly make it through this.

I admit to being scared. I have given birth three times without medications. I have "taught" (as much as you could ever endeavor to do such a thing) dozens of couples how to do the same. And yet, as I approach my own "due date" I am worried.

Each birth is so different. And, though there are things I know about birth and about myself now that I didn't know with my first, there are still fears. There is still an unknown element. How will it go? What will it feel like? How long will it take? Will I be able to handle it? And that is just the beginning! When I start thinking about life AFTER the birth, with a new baby....it just boggles my mind. People have been telling me for months that I am going to have my hands full, and now I am starting to panic (just a little, mind you) because I don't KNOW how I am going to handle it.

~

Somebody asked me the other day why I looked so "uncomfortable" or something along those lines.

Seriously?

I have gained about 50 pounds. I have a human head lodged in my pelvis. I honestly have not slept that well in about seven years and I am (despite my protests) no longer in my 20's. Yes, I am a little uncomfortable.

Last week I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I had poison oak all over my arms, bronchitis (again) and all of a sudden it felt like this baby was taking a nose dive towards the outside world.

(I actually have a theory about this. I really believe that you only go into labor when you are so uncomfortable that you are actually willing to go through the intensity of childbirth. And then your body makes you wait another week or two so that you are REALLY ready. It seems that mother nature has a sense of humour. Isn't the natural process beautiful?!)

Despite all that though, I know that pregnancy is wonderful. In the moments where I manage to step outside myself and my own self pity, (yes, it does happen) I realize how blessed I am. I am so grateful to have my children. I am grateful for this new baby, despite my fears about my actual ability to be good mom. I am grateful to be able to bring life into the world.

This is really a pretty amazing thing, isn't it? A true everyday miracle, played out in my own body.

So, to those who think I look like I am "about to pop" or "have twins" or who think I "really look miserable," I must say this:

I have moments of misery- yes. There will be more in the next few weeks. I prefer the term uncomfortable though, because people telling me I look miserable has the unique side effect of actually making me feel more miserable. But overall I am happy, grateful and blessed. I am TRYING to recognize the good in this and see the miracle. Yes, sometimes it seems that that "miracle" must be located on the underside of my belly and is thus impossible to see without a strategically placed mirror- but it is still there.

Be patient with me and my body and my moods and the unknown timing of birth and babies and creation. I will appreciate it.

" Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women." Sheri Dew

If You Want To Make a Million Dollars Off of Pregnant Women....

You may have heard that while climbing into my car today the front of my maternity pants tore wide open. No, I have not worn them for all four pregnancies, but I did get them second hand so there is a possibility that the fabric was weak. Maybe the last person who used them really liked bleach.....One can only hope for some kind of excuse.

So, as I reveled in both the humiliation (because, yes, I busted out of maternity clothes), gratitude (I was at my last stop for the day), and the humor (because even I can see that this is pretty dang funny) I started to think of some great ideas for the entrepreneur out there who would like to make some money off of pregnant women.

~Make maternity clothes a size bigger than they say they are.~

Were you told when you first got pregnant that you should buy maternity clothes in the same size that you normally wore? I was. This may work for some women. But as it turns out, I am at least a few sizes bigger than my normal even in maternity clothes by the end of my pregnancy. This does NOT work for me. It might work for women who gain 20 pounds that is all confined to their stomach. (Don't they get chubby knees!? I can't be the only one this happens to!)

It would however, make me FEEL better if my maternity clothes still said SMALL even if they were in fact LARGE. Whoever did this could also save a ton of money on tags and labeling because you would just need one tag for everything.

In fact, just get rid of the size altogether and label everything "Beautifully round and fertile." I know, I am wasting my talents on blogging and natural birth education when I should be in marketing!

~Make the muu muu stylish.~

You know, I would really appreciate it if somebody in some awesome marketing team had the power to actually make muu muus stylish, hip and sexy.

I have a dress that my whole family teases me about. It is shaped like a sack. It is long and wide and it happens to have a giant peacock embroidered on the front of it. My son calls it my "pregnant dress" and my husband thinks it is hideous.

It is however the most comfortable thing I have ever worn and it even worked for my last two pregnancies (one due in July--in Dallas--- and the other in August) which says something. Despite how much I love it I can't really wear it out of the house because it is pretty awful. But oh, how I wish I could....

~LONG Maternity Shirts~

These probably exist somewhere out there in the void, I think I had some for my last pregnancy but they are gone. Now, my "maternity" shirts leave about three inches of belly hanging out at the bottom of them.

There was a time when I wore halter tops. Now is not one of those times. Nor will I ever wear another halter top (for various reasons). But I really don't need my stomach hanging out over my pants right now. I am not even tall! I know I am not the only woman who has trouble with this.

So- maternity shirts that are stretchy and fully cover the belly would be great. As a side note, this would also cover the back of me and prevent plumber's crack. An added bonus.

~Cute, comfortable and WIDE shoes~

I was at a church function the other day and I was wearing some heels (well, strappy stacked sandal type heels) and somebody said that I looked "miserable."

That was actually NOT the look I was going for. I was just trying to look nice! I put on a skirt. I left my flip flops and Birkenstocks at home. But, I will admit, that it was decidedly awkward to wear heels at eight months gestation and even more so when I have a 20 month old who finds it absolutely hilarious to run away from me in (can you believe somebody did this) a CIRCULAR hallway.

So- though I love my grimy, old, survived three pregnancies, flip flops, some comfy, cute and not-miserable looking shoes would be fantastic. Oh- and they need to be cheap.

~~~

I am sure I could think of a few more things awesome inventions for pregnant women (cheesecake that doesn't make you feel guilty but doesn't have weird chemicals in it, little men who painted your toe nails for you, and trolls who could always catch up with a two year old darting down the street) but I will stop for now and put my feet up.

Hoping you find some fun in your pregnancy too-

A Pregnancy Gratitude List

I think gratitude must be one of the greatest virtues. It is definitely something that I want my children to carry with them always- a deep gratitude for the blessings in their life. Our outlook in this area can make us a happy or depressed person.

It seems so common today to focus on all the things wrong with pregnancy. So often that is what is focused on in every visit- all the pain, suffering and physical "illness" that accompanies pregnancy and birth. I believe this has a deep and hidden impact on the entire birth process and introduction to motherhood.

So, in that light I wanted to take a minute to count some of my blessings today and some of the good things about this pregnancy, even though I have entered the final and less comfortable stages. I am not telling you what to do- but maybe we can all make a list like this for wherever we are in our lives.

~I was grateful today that my six year old son put his clothes away without being asked. I am pretty sure I am getting most things wrong when it comes to mothering, but I am grateful for a child who manages to be pretty awesome, kind, and thoughtful, despite me. What a blessing the spirits that these kids come with are in my life.

~I was so glad today to see the SUN! After a long, rainy, Northern California winter, spring is finally here! I love the sun and just being able to be outside with my kids and soak up those vitamins. Beautiful day...

~I am grateful to be pregnant. There are aches and pains and things that are hard about it, but I know what a blessed woman I am to have the opportunity to have four little children and to have had the pleasure of growing them in my body. What an unexplainable miracle, the gift of life.

~I am grateful that my husband mopped for me today. I have spent too many hours focusing on all the stuff he does wrong. How nice that he eased my burden when I was tired.

~ I am grateful for eggs. They are not that fun to clean off the floor, but they are yummy to eat- even for dinner. And- they cook pretty fast. Plus the kids loved them. It is always a bonus when I don't have to beg everybody to consume their food. A thumbs up from a six year old when he tasted his dinner, for some odd reason, really warms my heart. What is better than that?

~Chocolate. And lemon bars. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help it. Plus, how amazing is it that around three pm when I start to crash, I can have one little piece of dark chocolate and suddenly have the energy and patience to make it through the rest of the day? I am also grateful that chocolate is legal and available. Wonderful.

~My toddler. We talk a lot about the difficulties of toddlers. You know what though? I think it is really a fun age. They have personality, they are getting verbal, and they can really play with their siblings, but they still really LOVE mama. This one has a strong personality and the odd combination of both intelligence AND perseverance. (I always thought people really only needed one or the other....) But I just love that child so much. She is amazing, entertaining, funny, and also so thoughtful, kind and eager to please. How do I keep getting blessed with these wonderful kids?

~Our home. I am grateful for a place to live. It is such an amazing thing to have a place for us to all be together, cook together, play together and sleep safely each night. My son told me today that not everybody has a home, some people sleep outside- very true, very true.

~Waking up to my beautiful three year olds face. I don't know how I ended up with such a beautiful daughter who really looks like a princess. But there she is. So far, she has been my "easy" child. If you have enough kids this sometimes happens. Talented, friendly, lovable, intuitive, and thoughtful, she actually took a neighbor flowers today because she was sick. I wish I could take credit for their personalities. How do they come wired to be so dang great?!

~Last but not least: spandex and all other fake yet stretchy fabrics. They are truly a beautiful invention. Something that can be worn while pregnant AND post partum is just something of a miracle. Plus, when it has the added bonus of being comfortable and passably stylish, it doesn't get much better than that.

As it turns out, I am blessed with a pretty amazing life. I hope you are too-

In gratitude....

Things To Give Up On In The Third Trimester

The third trimester. I am there. And- I have decided that there are some things I need to let go of for my own peace of mind and happiness.

~No more scales~
Except for when I see my midwife, I am going to stay away from those mean things. I am pregnant and I am gaining weight. I have no health issues that make careful monitoring an issue. I am gaining just as I have with my other three and I need to let go of this. I don't have complete control over my body right now and there is no way I am going to be skinny.

I feel better already.

~Feeling attractive~
I fully realize that some women feel super sexy and gorgeous while pregnant. (I feel happy for them. And a little in awe.) I am actually vain about my appearance while I am non-pregnant. Not in a "Is my hair perfect?" or "Do you like my new shoes?" kind of way. Just in a "I can fit in these jeans" kind of way. My personal vanities just need to go bye bye when I am pregnant. I need to accept that I can not fit into anything and still be a decent human being. Maybe I can actually bring myself to feel attractive just the way I am- motherly, not teeny-bopperish. How transcendent would that be?

~Matching~
Yesterday I wore black stretchy calf length admittedly strange pants (I don't even know what to call them), with a white maternity shirt (complete with stain on the belly button area) and brown boots. It was comfortable and I enjoyed it. It probably didn't look that good but embracing the spandex-ness of it all was liberating. Today I am actually wearing a velour track suit. It feels soooooo good.

~Catching the toddler~
She is getting faster and I am getting slower. End of story. I think we are looking at a few months of poor discipline. Life will get back to normal- whatever that was.

~Energy~
I feel pretty good but I need more rest. It is really hard for me to accept that I just can't get as much done. It makes me feel lazy.

Deep breath.

On the exhale I let go of any burning need I have to feel perfect, accomplished, or above average. Pregnancy has lots of great things about it- excessive energy doesn't have to be one of them and it doesn't make me a lazy bum.

~Solid sleep~
If the universe is listening, I do have to say that I feel it is a little unfair that in the last months of pregnancy sleep is very broken by urination breaks, especially when I will be up frequently with a newborn soon.
That being said- I just need to let go of the desire for solid sleep. I can not stop drinking water and I can't make my bladder bigger. So, I am going to embrace my moments alone at midnight, 2 am, and 4 am. I will enjoy my "quiet" time. And the soothing sounds of water flowing.

~Chocolate guilt~
I refuse to feel guilty about chocolate at this point. I refuse. When I have this baby I know I will feel obligated to watch what I eat so now I will embrace a brief few months out of my life where I can just enjoy food. (This might be what men feel like all the time.) There will be no emotions, just pleasure surrounding the nourishment that me and the baby need. It will be kind of like that book "Eat, Pray, Love" except that no Italian men will be wanting to grope me.
~/~
You know what, letting go of some of my ridiculous expectations that I put on myself makes me feel better already. Happy gestating!