{Just FYI- I reserve the right to have my Sunday posts wax religious, so feel free to skip this one if that isn't your thing.}
I never really write about parenting. There are lots of reasons for this, one being that I don't know how good of a parent I am, and the other being that since my kids are still so young, who knows if what I am doing is actually working anyways. I often feel that we won't really know how great our choices were and how good of a job we did until these little children grow into good adults with the attributes we tried to instill in them.
But, when I think of the kind of parent I WANT to be, I can not help but think of the example set in the scriptures by our Father in Heaven. I like to think of God as a Father rather than a distant, unknowable being. It makes him more personal, real and close. It makes Him sound like somebody I can try to emulate even though I have failings. And it makes Him feel like somebody who cares about me, just as I care for my children. The concept of fatherhood and motherhood is something that I "get."
And when I think of the way that He parents I notice things that I need to work on. They are in fact, some of the hardest things for a human parent to do.
I notice that He sets rules, (or guidelines or commandments) and then he lets us choose what we would like to do. He does not force us to do much of anything. He does however give consequences for our choices, good or bad. The scriptures talk about the man and woman Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. They were told not to eat of the fruit of a certain tree or else they would be cast out. But then their Father let them choose what to do. They were still able to make choices, there were just consequences for them. So they ate, and they had to leave the garden, but they were always still blessed and loved by their Father. He didn't take away the consequences, but he was there for them when they experienced pain FOR their choices.
I think this is one of the most beautiful lessons in all of the scriptures, and one of the hardest to emulate.
How angry do you get when you specifically tell your children NOT to do something? What if this thing is for their own good, even their safety? And then, when they disobey, not only is it worrying (like if they could have or do get hurt) but very frustrating that this child that you love, cherish and care for specifically did something they knew they should not do.
For me this is when patience becomes harder, anger and frustration flare up, and I struggle to figure out just how to handle the situation. I believe that there truly must be consequences. It is not fair to anybody to be taught that their actions have no consequences, especially when those actions could potentially harm them or others. And while it can be hard to be patient, it can also be very difficult to allow your child to have a natural or imposed consequence for something they have done, even if it really is necessary so that they don't continue to repeat a behavior that could hurt them, or those around them.
When I think about parenting this way, some things seem clear to me:
~One, all children (including ourselves) need some ground rules. Those ground rules should serve a purpose and not just be mindless. Often they will have something to do with protecting themselves, preventing them from hurting others, or teaching them to be good and decent.
~Two, children (including ourselves) might not always understand WHY these ground rules exist, but hopefully trust their parents enough to realize that they don't just make stuff up to be mean. (Of course a very young child will not understand why they can't run into the street at any time, but they must be taught not to do it, despite the fact that it will be beyond their understanding until they are a little older.)
~Three, parents must allow for some consequences for actions. This can be really hard. Maybe I tell my son that he will lose privilege X if he abuses it. Then he does it again. I hate to see him sad, BUT, I must allow him to have his consequences so that he can learn to obey and so that he can learn to trust me, because I mean it when I say something.
~Obedience~
To me, this is when the concept of obedience comes in, and it is a difficult concept to wrap your head around. Is it fair to expect and teach obedience to our children? Must we really expect them to do things that they may not yet understand WHY we are expecting them? Must there be rules and standards of living? Why can't the just do whatever they feel like doing?
Again, I think of the way my Father teaches.
My religion, like many others, has a dietary law that members of our church are expected to live. It is honestly one of the things that makes other people think I am a little nuts. I don't drink coffee, alcohol, tobacco or anything else that is addictive- and I try to be healthy and eat grains and fruits and vegetables.
Well, everybody knows that it is bad for you to smoke three packs a day or drink a fifth of vodka every night, but why not the occasional glass of wine or cup of coffee? Moderation is the key right?!
Moderation is important, but my Father has asked me, and at some point I agreed, that I would live this law PERFECTLY, not moderately. I have been asked for perfect obedience.
He doesn't want me to have a cup of coffee, even if I am SUPER tired. I don't have a glass of wine even after a REALLY bad day. Not even ONE. I don't even ever have ONE cigarette (which isn't really enough to do any damage, is it?) No- not even one. Because what is required is perfect and strict obedience.
Sometimes it is easy to think....well, that this sounds a little... harsh. But then I think of my children again....
I don't want my children to play in the street even when the traffic flow is really minimal. And even if they went in the street, without asking and didn't get hurt- I would still impose some type of consequence. Why? Because I want them to remember to NEVER do that without me- never. I want them to know how much I love them and how much I care for their safety and that this is such an important lesson that it must be followed perfectly.
Then I think of my children when they are a little older. I have a son and two daughters. Both can get into trouble after a certain time of night when they are teenagers, right? Some kids might be a little more...rebellious or wild than others. A parent might worry more about a girl out doing things. So will I have different "rules" for each kid? Will the boy get to stay out later? Will one of the girls be more trusted and allowed to do do things that the others are not? Is that even fair?
Hmmm....I may have different rules for different children based on past behavior and my own personal knowledge of them as their mother. Rules may change with age appropriateness or learning as a parent, but I think no matter the sex, trustworthiness or personality of my children, I will still hold every single one of them to the same standard. There will be behavior expectations that are UNIVERSAL despite the differences among the children. All children will be expected to be honest. All will be expected to be kind. All will be expected to be good people.
My understanding is that this too is how my Father works too. We all get the same standards to live by. Even people who struggle with anger are expected to be loving and not commit murder. The example I used above is the rule that I have agreed to not even take one sip of alcohol. It seems broad, even oppressive to be so strict and to demand the same amount of obedience for everybody. Surely some people CAN have a glass of wine every once in a while with no nose dives into being a raging alcoholic- so why should they be held to this same strict standard of NONE? I think that this is possibly to protect those who, for whatever reason, have a weakness in this area. Some people can do some things in moderation. The same thing (for example a substance) might be highly and quickly addictive for another.
So, all my children are expected to stay out of the street. The six year old probably is aware enough to hear and move out of the way when a car is coming. He is still, however, not allowed to play there! Why? Lots of reasons- one being that the little ones don't "get it" yet and would follow his example without any understanding of the danger. Another being that even if it is less dangerous for him, it is still dangerous, and I am interested in keeping EVERY single one of my children alive and healthy, not just some of them.
So that's what I think about obedience. That is the kind of parent I want to be- one that is loving and kind but firm and trustworthy and fair. A parent that allows choices and consequences and makes rules that protect my children. I want to be a parent who raises young children into good adults. I want to have children who look back and think, "I get it now, she just loved me."
