4 Crunchy Things That Just Make Me Gag

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Girls, I don't really like the word crunchy.  I don't really like "lists" of crunchy accomplishments either.  You know what I mean, the "I co-sleep, breastfeed, don't cut my sons, EC, and yada yada yada" list that so many of us have after our names.

I tend to think those things will probably be temporary in my life, and not eternally defining.  I mean, if I am still co-sleeping with my kids in 20 years... I just hope somebody puts me out of my misery.  

So I am going to make a little different list.  This is the crunchy stuff that I just can't wrap my mind around.  Please, don't get offended.  I am not actually making fun of you in particular.

Unless we know each other in real life, then I guess I could be.

1)  Lotus birth-  So a true lotus is when the cord is never cut, it and the placenta just stays attached to the baby until it falls off on its own.

I love Sarah Buckley and I think she is some kind of natural birth goddess, but I just can't do this.

The really disgusting thing is that part of the reason why I can't do this is because I would rather eat my placenta.  But I digress.  (And don't tell me you can lotus and still eat it.  My own organ is hard enough to gag down without it having sat around for a few days.)


2)  Family cloth-  I kid you not, I heard of this online, and it took me a few days to figure out what it was in my head.   And when it came to me....good gosh...I almost ripped my tongue out. 

No way in heck am I ever washing cloth wipes that my husband used on his bottom.  NO WAY.  I would cut down a tree and make my own toilet paper before I would go there.  (If you are reading this, I am sorry honey.  I know my crap stinks too.)

Thank you, but no thanks.


3)  No-poo-  No, we are not still talking about family bowel movements.  There is actually a "no-poo" movement.  People in the modern world, are GIVING UP SHAMPOO.

I know.  Sacrilege.  

I get that some people think that the more you wash your hair the more greasy it gets.  That could very well be true.  There could even be toxic, brain squashing chemicals in my shampoo.  (Pantene, by the way.  Don't hate.)

The truth is, I really don't care.

I shower AND wash my hair EVERY DAY.  And if I don't get that shower and washed hair, you better watch out.  It is sometimes the best part of my day.  I love it.  It resets everything and makes me feel like a brand, spanking new, human being.

And my hair smells good.  That is not something I am willing to give up. 


4) Not Yelling-

I hear that not yelling is part of being a good attached parent.

I am not sure though, because I was yelling over my children and I didn't really hear the announcement.

I would actually LIKE to give up yelling, it is just that I am pretty sure that nobody would listen to me if I didn't occasionally use this tool.

I know.  I know.  I am damaging my kids.  Believe me, I KNOW that.

But seriously, if you could spend a day with my two year old and not ever yell, you should just be shot straight to heaven with Mother Theresa and all the rest of the saints, because there isn't room for people like you on earth.  You are making me look bad. 

Does this no yelling thing apply to husbands too?  Because if it does, I am really in trouble. 

Lest you were just forming a comment verbally haranguing me for being an awful person, please, I am A) already aware of that, and B) I actually do TRY not to yell.  It isn't that bad.  I am trying to be funny here.  Give me a break. 

~/~

If you had started to hate me after reading this post, I will throw in that I do use some weird stone deodorant (doesn't work that well), go to a Chiropractor (my husband, so I get it for "free" if you consider student loans we may never re-pay, "free") and brush my teeth with sawdust.  I mean baking soda.

So really, I am pretty OK still.

Right?  Can we still be friends?