The First Birth- No Do-Overs Currently Available

I think every person who supports women in having a great birth hates to hear these words:

"Well, with my next birth I will do XYZ differently, but with this one I can't......"

Deep breath.

Some other phrases that drive me mad (or just make me want to impress on the new mother-to-be how important these choices are) are these:

"Maybe for my next birth I will have a home birth, but with this one...."
"I would love to have a doula, but I just can't afford one...."
"I know that hospital has high c-section rates, but it is just so conveniently located..."
"I really don't feel comfortable with my care provider but it is too late to change...."
"Maybe next time I will have a midwife..."
"I really want to take a natural birth class, but my insurance doesn't cover it (doesn't fit in my schedule, maybe with the next one, etc)...."

You get my drift, right?

I am not saying that some people can't afford a home birth, doula, class, or whatever. But it makes me really sad when these things are sacrificed when they COULD be afforded or fit in or made to happen and they are not.

Ladies- I know it is hard. The sad truth though is that you only get to birth THIS baby once.

Might you have other children? Probably! But you only get to give birth to this one once. I realize I just said that twice. I say it twice because it is so important.

You may very well have more children. I have seen plenty of women overcome horrible birth trauma and fear and go onto have a fantastic healing birth. It happens all the time. It is possible and totally worth the effort.

I have also seen women who only take the time to educate themselves AFTER the bad birth experience and then go into the next birth prepared and willing to drive, take a class, read, change care providers, etc. But that doesn't fix the first birth. And - despite all their preparation, fate sometimes steps in.

The sad truth is that there are lots of consequences to an unnecessary c-section or birth trauma that we don't often think of.

One- overcoming a traumatic birth is not easy. Women sometimes find it harder to heal emotionally from a traumatic experience than they had thought possible. How much easier it would have been to simply drive an extra half an hour with the FIRST baby in order to stack the cards in your favor?

Let me give you a tiny personal example (which is not really that traumatic at all, but is however descriptive.)

My first birth was fairly painless. I did however push for about four hours. This was exhausting. When it came time to push out my second (and third for that matter) I totally lost it. The truth is I was simply AFRAID of pushing because it had taken so long. That fear gave me an insane amount of physical pain. Not only that- I thought it was going to last FOREVER. Not rational thoughts for sure, but that first birth certainly impacts the next, and often in unseen emotional ways (either good or bad).

Two- Sometimes the physical consequences of a traumatic birth will also come back to haunt us. (PLEASE- don't get me wrong. VBAC, HBAC, etc are all awesome and can almost always be accomplished. But surgical procedures on women can have lasting consequences. I am absolutely NOT discouraging VBAC- I am encouraging doing everything you can to stack the cards in your favor for that first birth.)

I do not know how many women have a first unnecessary c-section, and then when attempting a VBAC must have a necessary c-section because of something that was altered in their body from the first surgery.

We are sold in our country on the safe effectiveness of surgery. We act like (and doctors sell this hard) there are no bad side effects from an invasive surgery unless you DIE. Death is not the only possibility. Talk to c-section moms. How many have scar pain? How many have other problems? You would be surprised how deep these cuts scar and how totally ignored these women are.

Let me give another personal example (and again, not that big of a deal, but illustrative):

With my first I had an episiotomy which resulted in a second degree tear past the initial cut. It was painful to heal from. I have had two more children since, one a water birth and one squatting at home. I have, with every single birth torn right along side my episiotomy scar. My midwives have told me both times that I would NOT have torn were it not for that first cut.
(Many women do however go on to deliver over an intact perineum after previous deep scar tissue- do you get my point though?)

Three- Negative words are hard to kill.
If your doctor or midwife says things like- "You are not big enough to birth this baby." or "Your pelvis is too small." or "We need to section you for failure to progress, CPD or XYZ" you will remember these words FOREVER.

Some women simply give up on their bodies then. I don't blame them. She has been told by a trained expert who went to school for many, many years, that she is incapable of normal birth. It takes a very strong person indeed to simply question authority that comes from one of our modern day prophets- a medical doctor.

But there are many amazing and powerful women who DO question this authority. But, once they have heard that from a medical person, it is still hard to get that nagging voice out of your head. The alternative: pick a care provider with your FIRST who doesn't talk to women this way, especially when they are at their most vulnerable, pregnant or laboring. If your care provider has already said something like this too you- remember- it is not too late to change until the baby has been BORN.

The End-
I want to be very clear- women can and DO go on to have fantastic healing births after an initial trauma or surgery. If that has already happened to you, you are powerful and you can do this.

My message is really for the first time mom who doesn't seem to realize the gravity of the situation. Women who have done this realize how powerful the birth experience is. IT WILL CHANGE YOU. That I can promise. How it changes you is partly up to you and the preparation you put in and the choices you make.

Can you control everything? NO! Absolutely not. I am not saying that you can. But I am saying that you should take the time to prepare and control what you CAN. Then, no matter what happens you can live it without regrets.

Blessings and joy on your journey into new motherhood. Every birth counts.

Birth Story- A Spiritual, Healing Birth

I love this birth story- postdates! healing! home birth! faith! It is absolutely beautiful and a testament to the female body and how wonderful birth can be-
Enjoy!

We had the most amazing Christmas Eve. Daisy Anabelle Suzanne was born at 10:54pm after weeks of early labor and about 5 hours of active labor.

I'm going to give you ALL the info on her birth, so if you DON'T want to know about things like bloody show, then this is not the post for you! :)

On Thursday (the day before Christmas Eve) I went to an acupuncturist to try to stimulate active labor. It was my first experience with acupuncture and I was a little surprised by how it felt. The needles themselves didn't hurt, but once she worked them for a few seconds it felt like an electrical shock in my hands, back, legs and feet. During the treatment I felt really hot and sweaty, which she said was my body releasing heat and it was a GOOD thing.

That night I woke up probably every hour or so with contractions that were hard enough to wake me up, but easy enough that I could go back to sleep when they were over. At 2am I woke up feeling deeply hot and overheated. It was more than just physical heat - it felt like the same internal, energetic heat I had felt during my acupuncture treatment. I turned on the fan and eventually fell back to sleep.

I woke up Christmas Eve realizing that my contractions had changed. Although they were 20-45 minutes apart they had turned the corner and were HARD labor contractions. I had been losing my mucous plug for over a week, but that morning I had bloody show. At this point I KNEW things were progressing and Daisy would be here by Christmas. I tried to rest as much as possible, but spent some time on the ball and walking around the house and the neighborhood.

We had planned to go to my Mother in Law's house for a family Christmas dinner at 3pm, but by the time it was time to leave I realized that I was IN labor and, although it would probably still be a long time till Daisy was born, I couldn't just get in the car and go to a party. So, we stayed home and timed my contractions. They were still 10-30 minutes apart and Joe called Mary (our Midwife) to let her know where we were at.

At about 5:30pm Mary decided that she was going to just come check me. She got here about 6pm and I was at 8cm! My contractions were still far apart and irregular - I was seriously shocked that I had progressed so much. At that point everything changed. I got shaky and a little scared and my contractions started coming at about every 5 minutes. I got in the pool that we had set up in our room and Mary gave me some herbs to help me calm down.

My dad and brothers kept the kids occupied on the other side of the house. They watched movies, had dinner and played while waiting for their sister to be born. At some point I was overwhelmed with loneliness and asked to see Aravis. She came in and checked everything out, kissed me and asked questions and that really helped. It was healing to be able to see her during the birth - to know that she was safe and happy. Judah came in after that and he was a little stand-offish, but really wanted to play with the water in the tub.

For most of the birth Mary and my mom stayed in the hallway while Joe sat with me in the bedroom. It was so, so redemptive to know that Joe was HERE - both physically and spiritually. He was attentive, aware and present. I didn't want him to touch me, but I was able to rest in the knowledge that he was HERE.

Not long after that my contractions started to feel overwhelming. I started to feel like it was never going to end and it was too much for me. I remember thinking that every woman who talks about a "pain free" childbirth was full of shit. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't PAIN I was feeling, but PRESSURE. That helped for about 3 contractions and then I couldn't make the words mean more than the sensation anymore. So, I cried, I prayed, I begged for it to end.

Here's where things were REALLY different between a home birth and a hospital birth - Mary had told me early on in my care that there was no need for me to push Daisy out. She said that my body would do that for me and I would know when it was time to join in. She wasn't lying.

My contractions changed again. They started coming 3 at a time - right on top of each other - and felt like nothing I had ever experienced ever before. They were WILD. It was the most physical pain I have ever felt. Ever. They were hard and consuming and I felt certain that Daisy was never going to come out. I was begging to God to make it stop - to just give me relief. Mary told me to tell them when I felt her and I thought she was insane - I was nowhere near getting her out.

And then I felt my water break... and the ring of fire. Daisy's head was right there, crowing, the moment the water broke. I, somehow, told Mary I could feel her and immediately Mary felt for her head. She applied counter pressure and told me to push when I was ready. This was not what you see in the movies, or maybe even what you have experienced yourself. I didn't breathe and push. I didn't wait for the next urge. There was no need to try to move her down - she was THERE. I pushed probably 3-4 times to get her head out, while yelling and screaming, and then another 3 pushes to deliver her body. And then there she was.

I sat back in the water and held my daughter. For the very first time I felt joy the INSTANT I held my baby. There was nothing else in the way. No lights, no doctors, no interventions. Just me and the baby I had worked for, prayed over and truly BIRTHED. I heard Aravis say, "Judah, it's DAISY!" and realized that they were in the room. I looked up at Aravis' ecstatic face and was SO happy that she had seen her sister being born.

When I was ready I moved up onto the bed and waited for the placenta. This was another totally new experience. I had never pushed out a placenta without pitocen and it was ... different. :) Mary checked me and I had barely torn - not even enough for a single stitch. She said I had eased Daisy's head out so carefully that everything looked perfect.

Daisy was born just over an hour before Christmas Day. She was 7 pounds and 10 ounces, 20 inches long and perfectly pink. The best part is - she looks like me. She definitely has her daddy in her (no Moors kid can escape the Moors head), but Daisy looks like every newborn/baby photo of me I have ever seen. This was a small gift from Jesus for me.. :)

Those are all of the facts, but I want to say that so much more happened during Daisy's birth. I had experienced so much sadness in my previous births and had even experienced opposition from other people before Daisy's birth. I KNEW what God was doing in me by providing a home birth. I KNEW what God was doing in giving me an opportunity to cry out to the Healer and Redeemer. I knew that my expectation of what was coming would not be disappointed. I knew that I was on holy ground as I approached Daisy's birth. But there was certainly doubt that needed to be wrestled with. There were words of discouragement disguised as practical (even Divine) wisdom.

I am so, so thankful for the Spirit of God that surrounded and sustained me. I am so thankful that I did not give in. I am so thankful that my hope was rewarded with reality. Daisy was born naturally and at home. And I was healed. Things that had rattled around - undealt with - have been set right. I experienced so much more physical pain than I was prepared for, but not even a moment of emotional pain. In suffering and struggling I found peace. I met with Jesus in the deepest, saddest place I could. There is no healing like the healing that takes place when you face your deepest wound.

I have spent the last few days soaking in the joy of God's gift to me this Christmas. Daisy Belle is finally here. Her birth was beautiful and excruciating. Healing is settling into old, raw spaces. And I am recovering with my family - enjoying every second of our new life.

Happy Birthday Daisy Belle!

Your Husband Might Be A Chiropractor If....

Your husband might be a Chiropractor if.....

~When you get mad at him, you drink a Diet Dr Pepper, not so much because you enjoy it, but because you KNOW it really drives him mad.

~You have heard the lecture "The Evils of Diet and other Sodas" so many times that you can repeat it verbatim.

~Should you choose to take an Aleve, you have to 1) feel guilty and 2)tell him not to say anything.

~You have enough debt to own a house, but you own NO house.

~You know the meaning of the words Thompson, Gonsteadt, Diversified, Activator, and Hole in One

~Even though he busted tail to earn a doctorate degree, people still think he got some weekend course so he could "pop backs."

~You have considered or actually accomplished a free birth.

~People come up to you and tell you things like "I just love your husband! He has changed my life and made me feel so GOOD!" and it doesn't actually make you jealous. (Although it might be irritating if you are mad at him that day.

~When you discuss the serious problems in the world today it usually revolves around the evils of big pharm and how they are destroying pretty much everything.

~You wince just a little every time somebody mentions antibiotics for an ear infection or Tylenol for a fever.

~You seriously believe that Chiropractic and natural medicine can cure or help with just about anything.

~People stop bringing up their health problems around you.

~You may not have health insurance, but you sure feel healthy!

Obstetric Myth #98- You Are High Risk

Any woman, if tested sufficiently, and stressed enough, can become high risk while pregnant. I truly believe this.

I have talked to women who are high risk for a variety of reasons: previous miscarriage, age, weight, gestational diabetes, prior c-section, high blood pressure, their own choices, their own fears, and many many more. I have also seen many of these women go on to have totally natural births, even at home, and do it seemingly easily.

I also must say, just to be honest and straight forward about where I am coming from, that I find the current obstetric model of "care" that basically involves five minute visits and every test imaginable, laughable and not really care at all. I think it is preparation for birth fear, not trusting your body, and a very sorry replacement for real prenatal care.
(What should actual prenatal care consist of? We will talk about that later.)

First- a story-

I was chatting with a relative the other day. He happens to read my blog and so is always telling the ladies he knows about the benefits of natural birth and the like. He happened to know somebody who was currently pregnant and was "high risk."

Now those two words make me want to grind my teeth every time I hear them. What better way to prepare a woman for her inability to birth without technology than to tell her from day one that she is an accident waiting to happen?

This mama had the sad misfortune of being (gasp) 40!!! Not only that, to top it off she had developed gestational diabetes! Gasp again! Then- (yes she can get more risky) the baby was consistently and persistently breech at 36 weeks. (Breech is another post all together so I won't even touch on that here.)

I was not surprised to hear that the woman's doctor scheduled her for a c-section and she was not sad, she was in fact, relieved. She had just been saved the inconvenience and guilt of attempting a natural or vaginal birth that she had been prepared through her entire pregnancy to believe that she was not actually capable of.

I am not going to tell you that age, gestational diabetes, and baby position don't matter and don't present risk factors. But I will say that the words we use to describe a woman's ability to incubate her child will have a huge impact on how she experiences birth.

Do some of these issues need to be addressed so that a woman can have a safe and low risk pregnancy and birth? Yes- but telling her her body doesn't work is not how we deal with them. Not unless we are more interested in filling beds and maximizing insurance billing and keeping "patients" coming back for more than we are in a positive and safe birth experience.

Now a note on real prenatal care-

There is a big difference between care and testing. You can run tests all day long on various rare conditions and factors. If you run enough of them and if you are LOOKING for something to go or be wrong, it will not be hard to find it.

What does real prenatal "care" consist of? It consists of getting to know a woman. It means finding her normal. It means meeting with her in a place where she lives so that you can see a glimpse of what her life is really like, not just the face she puts forward. It means talking to her. It means education about what it really means to have a healthy pregnancy. This includes talking about good pregnancy nutrition. Care means touching somebody, listening to their concerns, hearing them, and talking to them and sharing wisdom and experience.

It might actually include some tests. Tests are not necessarily a bad thing- but they are a tool for communication, not an end in and of themselves. Let me give you an example- I am almost almost always, pregnant or not, anemic or borderline anemic.

I recently met with my midwife. She tested my levels. They were low. I was not surprised. This is something I knew about myself long before I ever got pregnant. I was not sent for another test or reprimanded. My midwife talked to me about some of the benefits of improving my iron levels. She talked about numerous natural and nutritive ways I could address the issue. She gave me information that empowered me to make better choices. She did not label me or scare me.

How can this and many other similar issues be handled differently? The woman can be scolded. She can be sent for more tests. She can be scared. Seeds of doubt in herself and her abilities and her natural innate human superpower for growing babies can be planted. Women can be "transferred" to another care provider. The list goes on and on.

So, how do you stay (or become) low risk?
1. Don't underestimate the power of taking care of yourself while you are pregnant. Good nutrition and exercise can prevent a myriad of risk factors before they even happen. I am of course a big fan of the Brewer diet. Why? Because it is simply a healthy diet. Dr Brewer told his patients to cut out all sugar and refined carbohydrates. They were to replace these empty foods with nutrient dense ones like greens, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and protein. They were to drink water and eat WHOLE food. The simple importance of nutrition is often ignored, much to our detriment. Here are some great articles about nutrition.
2. Find a care provider who will actually care for you-
I have seen so many woman who are being labeled high risk switch to a home birth midwife and go on to have a great birth. They can not believe the difference between the five minute test result visit and the one hour "how is your life" visit they get with their midwife. I have also seen women undergoing midwifery care, accidental see an OB and instantly become high risk. Puke.
3. Believe that you can birth and gestate normally-
Many many women have had experiences that undermine their faith in themselves. Maybe you have struggled to get pregnant for years. Maybe you have had one or more c-sections. You can still do this. Those things don't make it impossible to have a normal birth. You may however have to work harder to find somebody who truly supports your birth power and you may have to work harder to believe it yourself. But it can be done.
4. Want to be low risk-
I don't mean this to sound offensive, but yes, I think we have to want to be low risk. As women we are often ignored, marginalized, or encouraged to put others first. The fact that pregnancy is treated like a disaster waiting to happen in our culture makes it a great opportunity to get some much needed attention. (Believe me, I need a break too and pretending I am super woman is not easy 24 hours a day.)

It is easy and even tempting to get some of that much needed attention by talking endlessly about all the things that are wrong with us, all the tests that we failed with the OB and all the aches and pains. It is also kind of scary to attempt a natural birth when all around you you are surrounded by people saying it is impossible. But do not fall into this trap.

You do not have to be high risk to be cared for. You do not have to be wonder woman either. You deserve a break or some help or some love or rest. Ask for it. Take it. Own it. You do not need to have something WRONG with you to deserve this. You need it just because you are doing the important work of growing a child.

The End-

Part of an empowered birth is an empowered pregnancy. This means owning our own health. It means making good choices in not just our foods but the people and information we surround ourselves with.

The term "high risk" is a natural growth from our obsession with the various risks of pregnancy and birth. Are there risks involved? Well of course! But everything worth while has risks. You can choose to believe yourself to be healthy and capable of birthing your baby, no matter what the label.

(Disclaimer- you may very well be high risk. I am not saying that it never happens. I am not a doctor or even a care provider. )

Fear Not

"And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favor with God. And behold thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS."
Luke 1:30-31

Merry Christmas everybody!

I am sure you are not all religious. If you are or not, I think the story of the nativity has some beautiful lessons for us today.

This particular scripture, quoted above, really struck me this year with such a powerful message. I think it applies not just to life in general, but also to birth in particular.

"Fear not" is what really stood out to me.

Life, is scary business. It is intimidating and particularly overwhelming as we approach something new or look out into the unknown. As humans, our response is so often one of fear. And yet fear tends not to be the most helpful emotion to carry us through the parts of life that are unknown or unwanted. Fear just makes them harder.

How interesting that Mary was told in particular NOT to fear as she embarked on her (unasked for) journey as the mother of the Christ child. I can not pretend to know what that was like for her. But it is not hard to imagine that being unmarried and with child must have been a scary prospect.

May we all take a lesson from this beautiful scripture and story of the birth of Christ. We have nothing to fear if we are doing what is right.

The Christ was not born in a sparkling new sanitized hospital. There were no doctors present. They were not even in the comforts of their own home. This young family was traveling when they welcomed their first child. And yet I can only imagine that it was a beautiful and safe birth. We know that both mother and child were healthy and strong.

May we approach life and birth without fear. May we find peace in our God and His promises if we but try to live as He has taught.
Merry Christmas-

From Hospital to Home- Two Stories of Birth

I love to see how women grow, progress, and find their voices and power when it comes to birth. This is a great story about one woman's journey. It reminds me too that it is not for me to "make" somebody choose what I think they should. Women will come to when given choices and education and confidence. Enjoy this beautiful story and journey.
You can learn more about this story on the personal blog of the writer, here.
~

Story of our homebirth.

Henry's birth was a very "normal" labor and delivery experience. Two days after his estimated due date, I woke up with contractions that immediately timed 5 minutes apart. I took a shower, packed my bag, cleaned the house and watched reruns of Michael Phelps winning his 8th gold medal at the 08 Summer Olympics. I was determined not to be sent home from the hospital for lack of progress so I didn't wake up Taylor to leave until I was in quite a bit of pain. We arrived at the hospital at 6am and I was 5-6cm dilated. It HURT laying on the hospital bed so I immediately requested "anything" to lessen the pain. A few minutes later, a dose of Stadol, a narcotic, was injected into my IV line. It knocked me out within moments and I slept for the next several hours, including through the placement of my epidural. When I was lucid enough to know what was going on, I was told "it's time to push!" Without feeling ANYTHING, I gave birth to Henry exactly 35 minutes later.

My few requests were very respectfully honored at Oktibbeha County Hospital......

• I wanted my newborn to be placed on my chest immediately after birth. Diapers and a scrub down could wait until we initiated our first breastfeeding session and had some time to bond.
• I requested that I not be given an episiotomy. I wasn't quite sure for my reasons on this but I felt very strongly about my decision.

I was very happy with his birth experience. I had the satisfaction of going into labor on my own terms and when I was ready to be done with the pain of labor, my request for drugs was quickly met. My baby was perfect, he was alert and breastfeeding immediately after birth and I was in love with his perfect little face!

So, what changed?

How did I go from a highly medicalized birth to a hospital birth plan for a "natural unmedicated birth" to ultimately delivering Baby Liza in a intervention free home birth???????

It all started with that damn blood pressure cuff I was forced to wear at Henry's hospital birth. I hated that cuff with a passion. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with #2, my thoughts started turning to what I would tell the nurses in order not to wear the blood pressure cuff nonstop. I remember thinking it seemed so pointless to wear the cuff at all times, even when my blood pressure wasn't being taken.......

Which led me to wonder what else hospitals did that was not "necessary'? My obsession with the internet quickly educated me that the answer was p.l.e.n.t.y.

I began obsessively reading birth stories mothers wrote after their own unmedicated natural childbirths. I fell in love with the idea of letting MY body and my MY baby's needs dictate labor and delivery rather than drugs and hospital policies. It quickly became obvious to me Liza's birth was going to be very very different from her brother's.

After deciding a natural unmedicated birth was the best decision for me, I started toying with my birth plan for the hospital. After a dozen revisions and working to get the wording just right, my ob/gyn and I discussed the plan and he wholeheartedly supported my desire for a unmedicated birth.

Birth Plan for Laura Dearman

• · I am prepared for a natural unmedicated labor and delivery – including no uneccesary medical interventions, freedom of movement during labor and delivery, intermittent monitoring, an INT instead of an on-going IV, and limited cervical checks.
• · Please do not offer me an epidural or IV pain medications.
• · I am happy to have 20 minutes of electronic fetal monitoring upon checking in and then intermittent monitoring for fifteen minutes per every hour.
• After the initial cervical check for dilation, I would like my cervix to be checked only upon my request.
• · I would like my bag of waters to remain intact unless requested by me.
• · I intend to use “mother directed pushing” rather than the nurse counting to 10 and telling me when to push. I will ask for help as it is needed.
• · Freedom of movement will be important during labor and the pushing process. I have researched different birthing positions and would like the freedom to push in various positions, not limited to the lithotomy position.
• · I prefer to tear naturally with no episiotomy performed during delivery.
• · I would like to delay cord cutting until the cord stops pulsing.
• · I would like my daughter to be placed on my chest immediately after birth.

As you see, a natural unmedicated childbirth is MUCH more than simply refusing the epidural.

If I have faith in my body to grow my baby, why not have faith in my body to birth my baby?

Women have given birth to babies since the dawn of time.....

I knew I didn't need drugs pumped into my body and I didn't need my heels in stirrups in order to give birth.

I was right.


-----------------------------------

So, not only did I not want an epidural but I wanted my body and my baby to be in charge of labor and delivery. After developing a birth plan and teaching Taylor all about the stages of labor and why each bullet of our plan was important to me, I was ready to have my baby in a hospital. My ob/gyn laughed nervously when I told him I was planning on arriving to the Labor and Delivery floor when I was puking and shaking and ready to push. But, I knew it was important that I labor at home for as long as possible before getting to the hospital.

Yet, every time I envisioned actual labor, I always thought of a quote from a French homebirth advocate.....

"The first intervention is leaving your front door."

That line floated through my head regularly but I thought there was no way I could have a homebirth in very conservative Mississippi. I was content to dream about the impossibility of it all.

At 35 weeks pregnant, Henry and I were grocery shopping when I ran into my friend, Hope. We chatted for a while and then she asked if I had seen the very pregnant girl walking around Kroger. When I said no, she proceeded to tell me that the girl was in early labor and having a home birth. To Hope, this was just a interesting fact to share but my mind started spinning in a million different directions. I asked her where the girl was in the store and then literally took off running, with Henry in the grocery cart.

It didn't take long to find Alyson and she was happy to answer my questions. Yes, she was having a homebirth. Her midwife lived in Kosciusko. She is great and here is her number! I called Norma that afternoon and set up a meeting at her house for two days later.

Norma was absolutely fantastic and everything I hoped she would be. She answered every one of my questions with the exact answers I needed to hear. When I found myself nodding in agreement as she discussed how a woman's body is designed to give birth and the miracle of childbirth, I knew she was the medical professional we wanted to attend our daughter's birth. Taylor and I left her house and he immediately said, "Let's do it!" I called Norma the next day to let her know we were ready to commit to the homebirth experience.

I was 36 weeks pregnant when we switched care to our midwife. As much as I love and respect my ob/gyn, a midwife's care is a very refreshing alternative. She came to our house for my weekly appointments and each appointment lasted around an hour. Her prenatal appointments consisted of everything that is the norm for an ob/gyn but also so much more. In addition to taking my blood pressure, checking my heart rate, listening to Liza's heart tones and checking my urine for proteins with a little dip stick, we also discussed my nutrition and currents eating habits and she spent A LOT of time feeling Liza's position in my belly. Positioning is very important in an unmedicated childbirth because optimal positioning means that labor will be better for mama and baby. Liza was in the most perfect birthing position until I hit 40 weeks and then Norma discovered that she had moved towards my back. She showed me different positioning exercises to help baby get back in the proper position and I spent a large portion of the next week on my hands and knees and leaning over our coffee table.

I began getting anxious about "problems" with the baby the closer we got to the 42 week mark. But, Norma constantly reassured me Liza's heart tones were perfect, my blood pressure was as low as ever and Liza was preparing herself for birth. I just had to maintain faith in my body and my baby.

Immediately after Liza's birth, I wrote the following 'birth story' detailing the events of her labor and delivery. I edited it and took out many details for my blog and published it as her birth announcement when she was a few days old. After writing the details of our decision to have a homebirth, I figure I might as well let interested readers in on the raw version of events.......

Friday night I went to bed with an achey back and very inconsistent contractions. 9 days past my estimated due date, I hoped my new symptom of an achey back was a good omen of impending labor....

At 2am I woke up with contractions that were very regular but not very painful. I got out of bed, sat on my excercise ball and watched a movie while I timed my contractions. I was excited to realize they were 30 seconds long and every 2.5 minutes even though they were still very weak.

I called my midwife, Norma, around 2:45 and she said she was leaving her house immediately. This stressed me out for a moment because I worried she would get here too early but she knew exactly what she was doing! She called back about 20 minutes later to check on me and I reported I was losing my mucus plug and having a lot of bloody show. The bloody show actually scared me at first because it was so bright red but I put on a pad and tried not to worry.

At that point, I woke up Taylor to tell him I was in early labor but I wanted him to get more sleep and I would wake him up when it was time for to get things ready. As I walked out of the room, he called out "congratulations and good luck!" HA!!!!

He got up about 5 minutes later because he was worried Norma would get there and he would still be in bed and "that would look bad". He was all about pleasing our mw and following her directions to a T.

Contractions were getting stronger and I found myself drawn to dark corners of our house. I would sway my hips and breathe through each contraction and then walk around our house waiting and welcoming the next contraction that would bring our girl closer to my arms.

I loved this stage of labor. I felt in total control of my body and even though the contractions were stronger, I instinctively knew exactly what my body needed at that moment. It was a wonderful feeling to understand my body and to genuinely welcome each contraction.

Soon, I found myself moaning through the contractions. After a few of these moaning contractions, I realized that transition was getting closer if my body was making these low tones.

Within moments of that thought, I threw up and immediately was thrown into transition. I stripped and got into the pool in our living room. The water level wasn't high enough and I asked Taylor to put more hot water in the tub and fill it up as high as it could go. He hooked the hose to the sink and started pouring in boiling water in the tub. He took his duty of the tub caretaker very seriously and followed my command for more hot water.

I immediately felt my body overheating and I started to panic. I wanted the tub to be filled with cold water but I couldn't communicate anymore. I couldn't breathe through the contractions, my body was tense and I began fighting the contractions.

The logical side of my mind was saying, "Laura, this is transition, your baby is almost here. You CAN do this. You ARE doing this."

The emotional side of my brain was saying, "Laura, you can't do this. This is awful. You don't even need this baby to be born. Just stay pregnant."

My mouth was saying, "I caaaaannnnn'tttt. This huuuuuuurts."

My husband said that my eyes started rolling back in head and he thought I was going to faint. I had totally and utterly given into the pain and desperately needed a doula to get my mind in the proper place!!!! I began feeling pushy and knew Liza was coming soon. I said this and my mw checked me for the first time of my entire pregnancy. She said the head was right there and I could push whenever I was ready. With my first push, I began panicking and my midwife said I had to get out of the water NOW.

I stood up and immediately felt better with the cool air on my body. The logical side of my brain told me that the water was too hot and it would all be better now. My emotional side was telling me that labor would be even more painful on the bed.

I was quite conflicted!

We moved to the bed and Henry woke up at his normal time of 6:45. Taylor left the room to tend to him and Norma told me if I couldn't relax and focus on the contractions she would have to call 911 and transfer me to the hospital. She asked if that was what I wanted and I said no. I looked her in the eyes and asked her to help me focus. We stared at each other and she quizzed me about the events of the morning and asked me questions about my son's labor and delivery. At that point, I decided I would get it together and push this baby out.

Taylor was in the kitchen frantically calling friends to come and pick up our son so he wouldn't miss the birth. Originally, we wanted our son in the room for the birth but my mom hadn't made it to our house yet and Taylor knew I needed all of his energy and focus to get the baby delivered. About 3 minutes later, friends from down the street came on the golf cart and our son had the best morning ever riding their golf cart and playing with their kids.

When Taylor came back to our room, I was a different person -- focused on the contractions and ready to deliver our baby. No more hysterics. Thank God.

I tried a few different pushing positions on the bed: C position which was absolutely awful, leaning over the back of our high headboard was better but I found myself distracted noticing how dusty it was, hands and knees was better but not still perfect. I really wanted to stand up but I couldn't get the words out and our bed is extremely tall and I worried I couldn't get off the bed safely.

The chosen position was kneeling on the bed with my arms around Taylor's neck. He maintained eye contact and said encouraging things. As soon as her head was out, I started saying "get her out, get her out, get her out". It hurt SO FREAKING BAD that I couldn't control myself and I began pushing when my body was saying "no no, don't push". I didn't care. I just wanted it over.

I watched in a mirror on our wall as her body plopped out on the bed. My water didn't break until her body was delivered. I really wanted her to be born en caul and it *almost* happened!

I immediately gushed a massive amount of blood and Norma asked Taylor to get my mom, an RN, to come and assist her to stop my bleeding. Apparently my mom arrived just moments after her new granddaughter was born. She was sad she missed it. My mom gave me a shot of pitocin in the arm, my mw checked my vitals and looked over the baby. She told me it was important that I deliver the placenta quickly. Apparently, a big bleed before the placenta is out is a bigger deal than a bleed post placenta. Not sure w hy but it became very important that I deliver the placenta quickly.

As soon as Baby Girl latched on and I felt the first cramp, I delivered the placenta and I stopped bleeding in a matter of minutes.

Due to my impatience in pushing, I had two 2nd degree tears. My midwife only repairs 1st degree tears so we called the Labor and Delivery ward a few hours later and I was thrilled to find out that my ob/gyn was on call that day. We left Liza with my mom and went to L&D a few hours later for the repair.

Our homebirth was absolutely amazing and everything I hoped it would be -- a relaxed, peaceful environment for our little girl to be born into. Henry joined us on the bed a few hours after the birth and life was marched on with our new little person in my arms. Taylor remarked how natural it felt for her to be born in our house after having been in my belly for the past 40 weeks.

I honestly can't imagine giving birth anywhere else but at home.

Birth Story- A Joyous Induction

Welcome to another birth story day!
I love this birth story because it is a joyful healing birth for the mother and it is a hospital induction. Birth can be beautiful as long as mom feels validated and safe.
Enjoy!


My first birth, to my oldest son, did not go to plan. I won't go into why, or what happened, only that I was left with a form of post traumatic stress disorder, where I still occasionally get flashbacks. But when I got pregnant with my second child, the further on in pregnancy I got, the more important it was for me to come away with a positive birthing experience, something that I should have got with my firstborn, but didn't.

During my pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and on consultation with the doctors specialised in diabetes during pregnancy and birth, I was informed that it was in my best interests to be induced at 38 weeks, and that a home birth was not advisable. Knowing my rights, I did think about refusing. I thought hard, for several weeks, about what I wanted, what I needed from the birth, what was really important to me. In the end I decided to accept induction at 38 weeks, and although I was apprehensive about the induction process, I decided to go in with a birth plan which detailed what I wanted to happen in worst and best case scenarios.

So, at 38 weeks and 2 days, I went into hospital as planned for my induction. I was shown into the ward, and shortly after I got settled in, I was informed by the midwife on duty that inductions had been postponed due to the labour ward being busy. But she wanted my baby to be monitored for at least half an hour, so I was hooked up, and checked on regularly over the next hour. She kept coming back and saying the baby was still asleep, so she wanted to wait until he had woken up. Finally, at 9.30am she came back and was happy with the reading.

She then also informed me that she was allowed to start inducing again. So she inserted the first tablet then and there. I was monitored for another hour after this, and then once being allowed off, I was encouraged to walk around to get labour started. Walking around the hospital grounds with my husband, I noticed that I was getting pretty much what was a constant braxton hicks contraction. The tightening did not go away and come back at all. But it was bearable, and I only went back to ward because my legs were getting tired. I sat on my birthing ball and started bouncing away, and pretty soon after that, it led into contractions, with a definite beginning and end.

When my mum showed up (who was my second birthing partner), we sat and chatted, and I bounced, while my husband went home to deal with some things there, we had agreed that once things kicked off, I would call him in. As the hours went on, my contractions were still coming, and gradually getting more intense. I started having to breathe through each one as it came along, and began to time them. They weren't like clockwork, but they were coming between every 2.5 and 1.5 minutes, and lasting for upwards of 40 seconds, sometimes as long as 70-80 seconds. I texted Jonathan asking him to come in, I remembered this level of intensity right towards the end of my labour with my firstborn.

At around 3pm, less than 6 hours after the first tablet was put in, the midwife came and monitored me again, agreeing that my contractions weren't regular, but suggested doing an internal to find out what was happening. I consented, and she found me to be around 3-4cm dilated, with bulging waters. She didn't give me another tablet, but as I was still contracting well, around 4pm, she took me down into the delivery suite.

I had brought along my CD player, and my hypnobirthing Cd's from when I did the course with my firstborn, and so in the delivery suite, I had my Cd's playing, the blinds closed, so it was dim, and I was sitting bopping on my birthing ball. When I got a contraction, I would stop bouncing, close my eyes, and retreat inwards to breathe through it, sometimes stopping in mid sentence. The midwife who was dealing with me was called Cathy. She was a lovely no-nonsense woman, with shoulder length dyed blond hair, and sensible face. She would come in to check my baby's heartbeat, or ask me what my blood sugar levels were, and stop for a moment, and say "Isn't it lovely and relaxing in here? I wish I could stay in here all day!"

She would ask me how my "pains" were, at which point she would tut at herself, for having forgotten in my birth plan I had asked her not to mention pain. I told her that using the word contraction was fine. And I told her, in all honesty, that I wouldn't describe them as pains anyway. They were intense tightenings, yes, but not pains!

At 7pm, she asked me when I would like her to check me over again and give me another internal. She suggested 7.30, and I asked her to compromise and say 8pm, to give things a chance to get going. She agreed, and when she left I laid down on the giant beanbag that had been brought in from the lounge room, and asked my husband to put on the rainbow relaxation CD.

These last few hours, for my husband and my mum, were spent chatting to each other, or to me, and in my mum's case, knitting! It seemed to me they must be incredibly bored! Anyway, as I relaxed and listened to my CD, I became aware that my contractions seemed to be easing. When, at 7.30pm, the CD finished, and I got up, I realised that it wasn't just the relaxation dumbing down the intensity, but that they had indeed eased, and slowed. I bounced, and hardly anything was happening!

We walked to the midwife station, and I informed Cathy who was stood there, that my contractions had died down, and she suggested I went for a walk to set them off again, and she would come in as planned in half an hour. So off we went, and sure enough they started to pick up, but had eased off so much I didn't need to breathe through them, or stop walking! We got back to the delivery suite about 5 to 8, and with my contractions still not as intense as they were, continued to bounce on my ball.

At 8pm, Cathy came in, and did an internal on me. I was still 3-4cm, and I told her I was happy to have my waters broken. She seemed rather apologetic, but did say "you have come in to have an induction, so we should really try and speed things along", but I was more than happy at this point, rather than spend a longer time, and possibly more intrusive measures needed later on.

My cervix was well back, and for her to break my waters meant it was very painful for me, so at this point I used the gas and air. With my waters soaking through the bedsheets, and going everywhere, (and Cathy joking about if I'd been in Marks and Spencer at the time, I'd have made a fortune!) thoughts about my first labour and birth came flooding back, and I took the mouthpiece out, and just burst into tears. Cathy (who was still trying to release more waters, and checking my dilation) immediately withdrew her hand, and my husband shot over to me and held mine.

Cathy told me I went from 3-4cm, to 5, immediately after my membranes were broken. And my contractions immediately intensified to the point of me breathing through them again, and in fact I had to groan through them too. Unfortunately, it was now 8.30, and Cathy was due to sign off at 9, so she handed over to another midwife. She told me she really wanted to see it through with me, but she couldn't.

It didn't seem very long to me at all when I suddenly felt the urge to bear down along with a contraction. The other midwife who took over from Cathy was there, and I mentioned I was getting the urge to push. A few contractions later, and still having the urge to push (I was withholding from the urge at first, to see what happened with it), and I told the midwife I wanted to get into my chosen delivery position (kneeling at the side of the bed, resting onto it with my arms). They brought the large beanbag over to the bed, and put a sheet down on top of it (the beanbag was leather so easily cleanable if anything leaked!), and a large pad on top of that, and I climbed onto it, kneeling either side of it.

With my next contraction, I bore down as hard as I could, letting out the loudest primal sounding groan I'd ever heard come out of my mouth! I could feel my baby's head coming down, and the midwife and my birthing partners were all saying things like "You're doing so well!" "Keep going!" "You're doing brilliantly!" and before long, still on the same contraction, I felt my baby's head crown, and a few seconds later, out it came.

The midwife told me to stop pushing, and to pant out my baby's body, and a few seconds later, out it came! The midwife called out "nine oh eight!" and I wondered for the briefest of seconds if that's what the baby weighed, before realising that it was the time of the birth! ;)

I was laying my head on the bed, exhausted, and my husband told me tearfully "it's a boy" - we hadn't found out the sex of the baby, and I couldn't help but feel emotional that I had my second son! I twisted around to see my baby, laying on the beanbag between my legs.

A few minutes later, and I was given my baby boy to hold for the first time. And then a few minutes after that, I lay back on the bed, and held my baby boy skin to skin, and let him perform the breast crawl, one of the most important things I wanted to experience with this birth that I never got to do with my firstborn. My induction was began at 9.30am, and I gave birth at 9.08pm, after a 4 minute 2nd (pushing) stage. A completely unassisted delivery with no pain relief after induction, and my baby boy, at 38 weeks and 2 days, weighed a very respectable 7lb 9oz. And most importantly, I got my precious bonding time immediately after the birth, which I wasn't able to have with my first son.

An "Almost" Unassisted Birth-

I love this birth story and the trust this mama had in her body. I also love the lessons she learned from her birth about trusting herself and the benefits of listening to your instincts. I also love how she enjoys her pregnancy! I think how we view the pregnancy can impact the birth. Beautiful birth!

As far as my birth…it was really awesome. I had refused all vaginal exams at my ob’s office and felt great- I exercised throughout my pregnancy, even doing Body Step classes 2 days before my daughter was born! I never got “tired of being pregnant”. I felt great and was really excited to experience the birth process after everything that I had read. In preparation for labor I practiced relaxing as I was weightlifting (no I’m not that strong; I just like to exercise), especially during the squat tracks. On my due date I felt great- went to the prenatal swim class, had fun, went home and ate Chinese food, and went to bed- and then it happened! (up to that point I had NO contractions the whole pregnancy).


I felt my first mild contraction (like a period cramp) around 11:45 pm and after looking at my pregnancy books decided that I must be in early labor. (they were coming about 10 minutes apart, and it was my due date). I also had loose stools, which I knew can be a good indication that labor is starting. 2 hours later contractions were getting a little stronger, and my husband was still asleep, so I took a shower. I thought that I would be in labor for about 12 hours, so I should let him sleep. At 3:00 am I took a bath and called my doula. Contractions still weren’t that strong- I could talk through them and they were about 6 minutes apart (still not close enough to go to the hospital, the books said!) My doula said that I should get my husband up and call mom and dad. She must have known me better than I did…I was still slightly in denial that this was really labor!



I woke up my husband and as soon as I got out of the bath the contractions got much stronger and closer together. I asked my husband to time them and they were 2 minutes apart, only 3.5 hours after my first contraction. 30 minutes later I felt the urge to push, and every time I did I would instinctively get out of the water and squat on the toilet; that’s just what felt right to me. Otherwise, I laid on my side in the tub. I started to feel her head at my perineum and knew that she was really close to being born. Pushing was a big relief, but my labor even up to that point wasn’t really THAT painful. I didn’t have back labor at all, which I’ve heard can be really excruciating. At 4:30 my husband finally got me in the car (him- “leilani says you need to get in the car” me- “I CAN’T GET IN THE CAR!”) and they wheeled me up to the room on the LDR unit where I declared that I was pushing (much to their surprise). 15 minutes more of pushing and she was out, and the doctor allowed me to birth her into my own hands (probably because I wouldn’t move them, hehe). She was born at 4:56 am, 5 hours after contractions started. There was one point where I thought, “I can understand why women ask for pain medication”, but that was when I was home, and I didn’t have the option anyway. Next time I will stay at home to give birth. I didn’t like being in the hospital at all, and they still charged 2400$ for the room that I was in for 20 minutes giving birth. Kind of annoying. We delayed clamping the cord (thanks to my husband for reminding them) and my daughter was perfect- no jaundice, not even a squished head that I heard so much about.



I kind of wish that I had trusted myself completely and just given birth in my bathroom at home, unassisted, because at the hospital they didn’t let me push squatting, which was how I wanted to birth her. In the end it was okay; I didn’t really even tear, but it was annoying that even in the 20 minutes that I was in labor there they didn’t listen to me or respect my wishes. I like to share my story with other women because I know that even though my experience with labor isn’t typical, the fact that it happened to me means that it might happen to the woman that I tell! And any bit of hope and advice that I can give to others can be encouraging. I am starting training to be a doula so that I can be there for women, no matter what their birth experience is like. Hopefully I will be able to help make it better and more empowering!

Count Your Many Blessings

I don't know what it is but I have been so down lately. Maybe it is the hormones, or the rain, or not exercising, but whatever it is I just have been feeling a little sorry for myself. I hate to be like this, but it happens.

About a week ago my husband's came home to tell me that a colleague of his had tragically lost her daughter. The daughter was a grown woman, the mother is divorced, and she was the only child.

I saw the mother tonight. She is, of course, having a hard time with life. She was so happy to meet my children and just held them and hugged them and talked to them. She talked on and on about how wonderful it was to have children in her home again and how beautiful they were.

To her my life didn't look like it was full of stress. It looked like it was full of blessings. Blessings that were gone for her.

Our visit to her took place in the evening. I don't know about you, but the evenings for me are the hardest part of the day. I appear to be kind and patient earlier on in the day, but, I always say that I work a 12 hour shift and it ends at seven. It of course never ends, but by 7pm my patience is wearing thin and I need some quiet time.

So, after all the tumult and yelling to get the kids bathed and loaded, I take them to visit somebody who has lost her only child.

What a moment to realize how silly and transient my problems are. I do have problems, just like anybody else does. Life can seem merciless at times and I wonder why it doesn't seem to realize that I am actually stretched as far as I can go.

Then to see somebody in the depths of their sorrow at the loss of a child, is just such a wake up call. How dare I be an imperfect mother? How dare I ever lose patience, or not appreciate them?

I am so grateful to have three beautiful children. I am grateful to be having another one, despite how inadequate I feel. I am a truly blessed woman to be able to have so many gifts in my life.

I know though that my self reflection will be temporary. I will forget how blessed I am. I will slip back into the bad old habits of self pity, anger and impatience. I hope that I have learned something though. I hope that I am able to hold on to a little bit of this lesson. I hope that I can hold them a little tighter, treat them well everyday, and remember what a gift life is, and how blessed I am to be able to be surrounded by so much of it.

Obstetric Lie #99- You Must Deliver Within 24 Hours of Water Breaking

Ahh, this one is close to my heart. Let me tell you a little story.

First time mama wakes up one night (the night of her due date in fact) with mild contractions. They are about an hour apart and 30 seconds long and wake her up but she can sleep between them. By morning she notices that she is leaking fluid.

This is a Sunday night. Contractions continue through Monday, gradually increasing to maybe 30 minutes apart. They are not hard and relatively easy to relax through. She continues to leak fluid. It does not gush. It is clear. She drinks lots of fluids and takes her temperature (so that she will notice if a fever begins). Mama feels totally comfortable with this. She accepts that labor may be "long".

She stays home Monday night. Tuesday contractions continue. They are regular and gradually increasing through all this time. Mama wears maxi pads to catch the leaking clear fluid. Mama feels lots of movement from the baby who seems happy- and possibly most important, mama feels totally at peace and free of fear in her decision to stay at home until labor is hard and close.

By Tuesday evening her Bradley teacher tells her she better go on a walk to get things going. She goes on a walk with her hubby (two walks in fact) and things really speed up. Hubby decides to take mama to the hospital when she has a contraction that lasts three minutes. Mama is not making any decisions at this point but agrees to go.

On the elevator up to the labor and delivery unit dad says "We will have our baby tonight!"
Mama doesn't say anything but thinks he is crazy. She is pretty sure she is at four centimeters.

But!!!! Miracle of miracles once checked mama finds herself to be a whopping eight centimeters! She is pushing withing two hours and baby is born after four hours of pushing (but I will save the pushing story for another post. Can anybody say CPD!?).

Mama gives birth to a healthy eight pound six ounce baby boy with apgars of 8 and 9. No infection, no pitocin, no c-section. Waters broken for over 50 hours. He is born on Wednesday morning.

You got it- that was me. It was my first lesson in the power of birth, the power of trusting the process, and the power of avoiding the routine vaginal exam in labor an arriving at your birth place later rather than sooner.

But you shouldn't just believe me. Here is the abstract from a study done comparing induction groups with groups of women who were allowed to wait up to four days after membranes ruptured (though the induced women were happier!? UGH!) And this study showed that there were no adverse infections in the baby as long as vaginal exams were avoided.

The truth is most women, when left alone, will have their water break at the very end of labor, right before pushing.

Some common sense ideas for avoiding the stress of water breaking first-

~Eat right while you are pregnant. Dr Brewer claimed that a healthy diet high in protein (80-100 grams of protein a day) and fruits and veggies would help mom have a strong bag of water.

~Avoid routine vaginal exams while pregnant. (Did I mention that mine broke shortly after a pregnancy VE?) They serve almost no purpose in the non -laboring woman, and some risk is assumed when you are simply shoving bacteria up there with a gloved hand. Things normally come out not in. (Except for "you know what", but semen has natural properties that make it non-harmful if water is intact.)

~Avoid the routine vaginal exam while in labor, especially if water has broken. At that point also avoid all things in the vagina.

~Have a care provider that you can trust. Don't assume going into your birth that they are on the same page as you are with everything. Ask questions. Make a birth plan and TALK about it. The birth plan is almost totally useless if you just think it is a shield to magically protect you. It only serves to start a dialogue and find out if you are on the same page as your care provider. "How long are you comfortable with me laboring once water has broken?" is a good place to start.

~Pay attention. How are you and baby? What are your instincts telling you? I would never tell anybody what to do in this situation. But I KNEW what I should do in mine.

Birth is normal. Your body works. It is not a textbook or a study. You can not listen to your intuition if all you hear is your own fear. Tune in to one and tune out the other.

A Birth Poem- Birth Story

I loved this birth story in the form of a poem. So beautiful. Enjoy!
(It also fits in well with our failure to progress discussion yesterday.)

To Daniel

Wetness, warmth, then thrill.
Relax, relax, relax….and breathe.

Sleep, resting deep.
Dreaming of you.
Waking, anticipating,
Longing for your face.
Sunlight streaming in,
Warm waiting.

Neighbors and walking,
Lunch and talking,
Patience fading,
Still we’re waiting.
Talking to you.

Kicks and rolls –
You’re healthy.
Patience is renewed
And again I sleep.
Dreaming of you.

Slumbering late –
Sunbeams on my face –
Still full with child.

Relax, relax, relax.

Phone rings –
Midwife-y things.

Kick, kick, kick.
Healthy boy - my tiniest joy.
When will you come?

I wait in trust.
A nap for us, and dreaming.

Afternoon, no progress.
Breastpump, herbs, and high stress.
Holding back? No. Waiting.
These are the things I did to you.
The things I said I’d never do.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.


Long walk with my dad.
Strong bond that we have.
So hot – go home.
Seven! Heaven.
Showery songs to you!

Dinner, friends, pizza, fun.
Mommy and Baby working as one.
Love exalted!
Progress halted.

Waiting for you. Waiting for me.
Waiting for time that I know will be.
Relax, relax, relax.

Silence in the shower,
Longing for the power –
Of you.

Kick, kick, roll,
Bless your little soul.
You’re waiting too.

Daddy loves Mommy
In stillness of night.
Silent and strong.

Arms around me now,
Showing me how
To let go.
He knows.

Slow dancing, last chancing.
Family of four no more,
We will be five.

Standing for surges,
Surrender to urges,
Beautiful release.

On the ball,
On my knees,
I feel you in me
Asking please;
Come now.

Darkness, quiet, stool, then bed.
Birth song sounding in my head.
Louder now, sung to the moon.
Move down. Open.
Singing to you.

Relax, relax, relax…and breathe.

Hands and knees and howling.
Daddy loving, Liz is rubbing.
Collapse. Sleep. Dream.

Beginning to cry.
Asking why.
Come to meet me now.
Please show me how.

It’s been two suns since this began,
Two sons will turn to three.
The third sun coming, I think I can
Find the strength in me.

Squatting, feeling,
My head is reeling.

Holding hands.
Can’t let go.
Moving too slow.

Down the hall in agony,
Defeat has taken over me.
I want you in my arms.

My back, my back!
The fear, the pain.
How will I ever live again?

Climbing.
Surging.
Breathing.
On my knees I pray for you.

Sweet leather smell,
This could be Hell, but no.
I feel you and we go.

He’s coming! I say.
Let him come. We’re on our way.

Breathing with love.
Thanking God above.
I’m so full of you.

Rush and run,
Wind through my hair.
Clanking, turning, hanging on.

Holding on to Daddy tight,
One big breath in all my might,
Stretching, wonderful, glorious stretching.

Up on the bed with knees apart
I feel your head and catch my heart
Outside my body. Forever with you.

Every inch of you slips out,
Warm and wet and whoosh.
But you don’t cry.

It’s ok, your mommy’s here.
Soft and sticky, I love you dear.
And you breathe. And I breathe.

Perfect fingers, lovely toes;
Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose;
Amazed.

I knew you before we ever met,
And by your soul I’m captured.
Perfect Daniel, sweetest thing;
My love, my joy, my rapture.

Always,
Mommy