Hell is Spelled B-R-A S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G

First, you need some background. 

Last week I had not one, not two, but THREE people tell me that my chest was sagging.  The first was my mom.  She is always telling me true things about myself that I would rather not know so I blew her off.  The second person was my very open with her opinions sister in law.  I started to blow her off too.  But then my other sister in law nodded in polite agreement. 

It was official.  My grayish, old, oops I put it in the dryer that eats clothes, yucky bra was no longer functional.  Three loved ones had not so politely informed me that it wasn't working for me and I kind of looked like I wasn't even wearing a bra at all. 

So, this morning, after dropping the son off at school, I head to Kohl's.  Did you know that Kohl's is open at 8am?  They must like the mom crowd. 

Of course I go with all three of my girls, ages 1, 3, and 5 (almost).  I get a cart.  I put the two year old in the cart.  I was dumb enough to not bring the carrier for the baby.  (I thought this would be a "quick" trip.)  So I am carrying baby on my hip.

I discover that some very smart marketing guru somewhere knows what is on my mind. 

These words jump out and me:

"Gravity defying!"
"Age defying!"
"Lifting"
"WONDER Bra"
"Supportive"
"Shaping"
"High-beams are for cars" (That is just funny.  Mostly I am just worried that IF I have high beams that they are both facing forward.)

AHA!  This is good!  I must not be the only lady with banana boobs who would like to roll them into a silky cup and make them touch my chin!  Things are looking up!!!!  All these pregnancies won't get me down! 

I throw a dozen colorful picks into the cart.  SOMETHING will work!  I can FEEL IT!

The dressing room calls. 

(I am going to leave out the part where the three year old crawls under the door, the baby crawls after her, and the 5 year old keeps trying to open the door ALL while I am topless.  I wouldn't want you to think I am whining.)

One after another I try them on. 

"Mommy, does that fit?" innocently asks my daughter. 

No.  No.  And no.  No.  No. No.

Nothing fits. 

I, a 32 year old woman who recently had an unassisted birth in her bedroom and has spent over five years of her life breastfeeding and has taught literally DOZENS of people the basics of natural birth, DOES NOT EVEN KNOW HER OWN BODY WELL ENOUGH TO PICK A BRA THAT FITS. 

I actually have no idea what size I am. 

Either that or NO bra fits and bra designs are simply a ploy by the plastic surgery industry to make me feel bad about myself and get a surgical lift. 

Once it has been decided that I am getting the wrong SIZE (how can I be two cup sizes bigger than I thought I was?  How does that happen?)  it is everlastingly too late. 

Chaos has erupted with the children.  The teenage personnel at Kohl's is wondering why these kids are running free.  I must leave.  No more time to pick another dozen and hope for the best. 

My spirits are dampened.  I will return to fight another day.  Next time I will go by myself.

The upside is I have been able to feed four babies.  Plus, I can hide a gun without a holster. 

The Next Person to Utter the Phrase "You Will Miss This Someday," May Witness My Head Exploding

Picture found here

Sometimes I think the quirks of motherhood are a cruel joke made up by a man somewhere.

For instance, I have noticed that just when you figure something out and mentally give yourself a high-five, the children go CHANGING ON YOU.  It is true.  I swear it.  You figure out nursing and then they start eating solids.  You discover a working sleep routine and then they start teething.

And of course, there is the eight month old crazy time.  Is it just me or do otherwise easy babies suddenly turn difficult around this age?  My baby number four couldn't have been easier.  She was a dream, and frankly, after two years of hourly wake up screams from her older sister (AKA #3, AKA Crazy Girl), I deserved an easy baby.

Then of course, she turned eight months old.  Thus begins teething, first colds, separation anxiety, and lots of developmental milestones, and the previously easy-peasy baby flips a switch.  Rather than ooohhhing and aaahhhing at me, she whines.  If I put her down she crawls after me whimpering.  If I walk out of or into a room she screams and cries.  I AM COMING RIGHT BACK BABY!!!  I SWEAR!  Why doesn't she know this?  I ALWAYS COME BACK!

The eight month milestone was a few months ago and still she despises going to anybody besides me or daddy. (Even grandmas!  WHAT?)  She gives me sad, pathetic looks if I dare set her down.  She is, in other words, needy.  She is currently sitting at my feet crying.  I put her down because she was crying.  I have four kids and I still haven't figured this mom thing out.

Insert here the phrase:

"You will miss this some day.  Enjoy it."

Now, I feel guilty for not enjoying "it" whatever "it" is. 

Maybe you are thinking, "Why doesn't she just baby wear?" or "She should be grateful to have kids," or "Shut up, woman!" (For the record I DO baby wear- a lot, I AM grateful I have kids and I KNOW I should shut up.  But right now I am taking a small moment to do something called VENTING.  It is where I get to use big letters and complain on my blog.  You are not required to read.)

People say this to me, "You will miss this someday" when they see me with screaming, misbehaving, tired, kids in the grocery store.  They say it when any young mom complains of sleep deprivation or piles of laundry or mud fights that dirtied your freshly mopped floor.  In fact, I hear this echoing in my head anytime I dare secretly complain to myself about something going on in my life.

I know they mean well.  I know people miss their babies.  I know that there is lots of awesome going on in my life right now.  I know that it will go by quickly.

And yet, I reserve the right to have a difficult time with it all without guilt.  

I do not believe that I will miss it all someday.  There.  I said it!  I think it is a bunch of hooey!  I don't believe for a moment that I will ever miss the two years of 4 hour nights of sleep that my third child gave me.  I don't believe that I will ever miss scraping together money to buy groceries or wondering how we will pay rent or having cars break down on birthdays or having more debt than income.

And I don't believe that anybody misses that crap.  

So please don't tell me that these are "the best times of my life" because that REALLY depresses the hell out of me.

I will miss being needed and loved.
I will miss be the number one most important person to my babies when they move on and find somebody else to be their number one.
I will miss breastfeeding and the euphoria of a great birth.
I will miss the excitement in my two year olds voice every time she discovers that "Mr Moon" is still in the sky.
I will miss being able to fix their problems with a hug and being the resident expert on everything.
I will miss having someone fall asleep on my shoulder even if they leave green snot behind. 

I hope someday I have the wisdom to appreciate every moment, even the sleep deprived, stressed out, misbehaving kid ones.  But I don't have that much wisdom yet.

Right now I love some of it and feel overwhelmed by some of it too.  Right now I don't want the things that keep me up at night to be blown off like they don't matter.  I want to be able to enjoy parts of my life and still wish that some of it was over.  I want to love the kids and hate the messes.  I want to enjoy my moments with them and enjoy some moments alone.

Mostly, I want to be a mom and still be a human being with the occasional flaw, moment of ingratitude, or the occasional yearning for something else.  It would also be nice if everybody was asleep at 8pm and stretch marks became sexy.

Disclaimer- I baby wear all the stinking time.  For real.  If you comment that baby wearing would fix all my problems then we won't be able to be friends any more.  I also reserve the right to someday use the phrase, "You will miss this someday" on young mothers.  I plan on being a very irritating old lady and farting in public and speaking my mind at will. 

Honeybuns Cloth Diaper GIVEAWAY TIME!!!

Back by popular demand- the Honeybuns Cloth Diaper giveaway!!!! 

This has definitely been one of my most popular giveaways ever, and you can see why....

Cute boy diapers!

Is that Hello Kitty?!  Oh YES!

My favorite!  Beautiful!  I would wear it if I needed a diaper!

And another sweet boy diaper!

So here is how it works- pretty simple if you ask me. 

1) Go to the Honeybuns Cloth Diaper Facebook page HERE and LIKE IT!

(If you have already "liked" this page before, then I will ask that you kindly share and promote it with your friends on your FB page.  THANK YOU!!!)

2) Comment on THIS POST (down below), being sure to leave me your e-mail address. 

Then.....ANSWER YOUR E-MAIL when I contact you if you win!  (You will have 24 hours before I pick somebody else.)

3)   WAIT- until Thursday morning when I announce the winner!!!

But while you are waiting, you can go browse her lovely Etsy store, there are tons of gorgeous diapers and many are on sale!!!!  She is a lovely work at home mama and she makes both snap and velcro closures.  You will love them and her! 

Unexpected, Unassisted Birth- LOVE!

There is a special place in my heart for birth stories like this- especially because it is so much like my last birth which was also an unexpected unassisted birth.  I never made it into the tub either!  

This is a great story and I think you will love it.  What a mama!  She birthed her first baby breech in the hospital!  (I would love that birth story too!)

Enjoy!

The  Unplanned, Unassisted Home Birth of Rosalie Evelyn

 

My first pregnancy left me somewhat jaded and mistrusting of doctors and hospitals.  My baby was breech.  He had been breech since the 12 week ultrasound and had stayed that way since.  I tried inversions, hot and cold packs, music on my lower abdomen and even handstands to get baby to flip.  At 38 weeks he was still breech.  An external cephalic version was attempted but failed.   On multiple occasions, my OB used every scare tactic in the book to try to force me to schedule surgical delivery.  He talked down to me and essentially told me I would kill my baby if I tried to deliver my breechling vaginally.  

I dreaded my prenatal appointments and began to get worn down from the constant confrontation from him as well as from my family.  I have a scientific background and did my due diligence in researching breech birth.  I decided it was something I wanted to attempt.  I stopped seeing my current OB and began searching for someone who would support my breech birth.  I contacted local midwives and called all local hospitals.  No local hospital was willing work with me.  The midwives who responded to me thought I was too high risk since I was a first time mom as well as carrying breech.  

I began to get disheartened as I hit many dead ends.  Just when I began to lose hope, I got a phone call from midwife Gail of spinningbabies.com.  She let me know of a Doctor at a hospital 2 hours away from me who would attend breech births.  She even offered to be my doula!  For the first time in a long time, I felt calm and at ease about my situation.  I felt accepted and normal.  

My appointment with the new OB was completely refreshing as he spoke to me like an equal and treated my baby’s position as a variation of normal.    The labor was long and very taxing- about 15 hours of active labor and 6 hours of hands and knees pushing.  I had excruciating back labor due to baby’s frank breech position.  But, the end result was a healthy baby (9 lbs 9 oz!) and a healthy, uncut mother.  I was so proud of myself.  I felt I had beaten the system.  I jumped through hoops, fought with doctors and my family, and eventually stooped to desperation…but, I beat the system.  I had never been more proud of myself or more thankful to those who had helped me and believed in me.

We learned we were expecting again when our little boy was 9 months old. Because of the stress of my first pregnancy, I knew I needed a different option.  I just couldn’t go through pregnancy in a hospital environment again.  We interviewed several birthing centers as well as a home birth midwife.   Despite recoils from family and friends, we chose home birth.  It felt right for us and I clicked right away with Erin, the midwife.  

We were thrilled when Erin confirmed around 20 weeks that baby was head down.  The 9 months of stress free prenatal appointments were pure bliss.  Instead of talking down to me, Erin supported me in every way she could and was always there with an open ear.  Instead of dreading my prenatal appointments, I looked forward to them.  Erin cared about me in a way a doctor never has.  She came to know me, my son and my husband deeply.  She knew details about my personal life and helped to entertain my busy son during our appointments.  She started out as my midwife, but very quickly became my friend.

 

As labor drew closer, my Husband, Stephen, joked several times that he thought this delivery would be quick.  Little did we know this would be such an extreme understatement!  I woke up on Monday night with horrible stomach cramps, nausea, and eventually vomiting.  This lasted for about three hours.  I was able to fall asleep and work up the next morning feeling fine.  Around noon on Tuesday I passed some blood tinged mucus.  

I notified Erin of my symptoms, but she didn’t seem concerned and said I should expect labor to begin in the next few days.   I went about the rest of my day as usual.

I tried to go bed early that night because of my lack of sleep from the night before.  I finally made it to bed around 8pm.  I couldn’t get comfortable and I never got to sleep.   I had my first ‘real’ contraction around 9:30 pm.  I had a few rounds of prodromal labor, so I still wasn’t convinced this was the real thing.  I timed my contractions for an hour and found them to be 8 minutes apart and getting stronger.  I got out of bed and talked to my husband who was working on homework in our living room.  

We timed my contractions for a little longer and found them to be 6-7 minutes apart.  I put in a phone call to Erin and she decided to start the trek to our home.   At first I was hesitant for her to leave since my first labor was so long, but she lived an hour and a half away and thought it would be better safe than sorry.  In retrospect, it’s a good thing she left when she did!

 

At that point, my husband and I started setting up things for our home birth. We thought we would have plenty of time so we didn’t rush.  Steve was getting supplies laid out and started figuring out the birthing tub.  I focused on making our bed with a waterproof cover and an extra set of sheets.   While I was making our bed, I noticed my contractions were coming around 6 minutes apart and were getting really strong.  I had to stop what I was doing and breathe through each one.  Erin called around this point to check how things were going and if I wanted her assistant to leave ahead of her.  (The assistant lives a half hour from our house.)  

I didn’t realize how progressed I was, so I told her I didn’t think it was necessary.  At that point, it was around 12am and Erin was about 45 minutes away.  I finished making up the bed and I head out to the kitchen to see how the rest of set up was progressing.  I just made it to our kitchen counter when I had a gripping contraction.  I hung onto the counter and breathed through the pain.  I did what felt natural to me- which happened to be a strange lunging motion- during the contractions.  Steve had the birthing pool inflated and was just starting to connect the hose to the kitchen sink when I had another contraction only 4 minutes from the last one.  

Steve walked by with the hose, told me he loved me and started filling the pool.  The next contraction came less than three minutes after the last one.  I thought I felt the baby move down.  I just couldn’t believe baby would come this quickly, so I brushed the feeling off.  Then, contractions started coming right on top each other.  As soon as one would end, another would begin.  At the end of the next contraction, I felt a slight urge to push.  I said to Steve that I thought baby was coming, but he ignored me and kept on working on set up.  (I found out later that he didn’t believe me at first!)  

When the next contraction came, I felt baby’s head move down quite a bit and the ‘ring of fire’ sensation started to build.  At that point I yelled, “THE BABY IS COMING!  CALL ERIN!!”  Steve ran over to me and ripped my shorts and underwear off.   He saw the top of the baby’s head.  At that point, he turned into a frantic mess.  He phoned the midwife (who was still 30 minutes away).  I told him to get some chux pads (which he proceeded put on the floor upside down J)  I was able to pant through two or three contractions during this time.  After the pads were down, I knelt down on the floor and hung onto the kitchen counter for dear life as my panting ceased to work and my body began to push the baby out on its own. 

 

The baby was born in three contractions.  The first one pushed baby’s head out half way, the second pushed baby’s head out fully.  After this point, my contractions let up for a minute or so. Steve was able to talk to Erin on speaker phone and she encouraged us with calm affirmations.  When the third contraction came, baby’s shoulders and body were born into Stephen’s arms.  The time was 12:37 am.  I heard cries right away.  Steve passed the baby through my legs and I clutched the newborn to my chest.  Steve said, “We have a boy!”  But, the sex of the baby was the last thing on my mind.  I was just happy to have a healthy, pink, crying baby.  I looked down at the baby and saw him looking back at me with trusting, clear eyes.  He knew me.  I breathed in and smelt his sweet head.  It was such a serene, peaceful moment.  A moment I’ll never forget.

 

A few minutes after the baby was born, we made our way to our bedroom where I laid on our bed and waited for the midwives to arrive.  Baby latched on and began nursing like a pro.  15 minutes after our baby was born, the midwives walked into our bedroom, each one beaming a smile as they congratulated us.  Erin checked baby’s vital signs and found them all to be perfect.  As she was examining the rest of baby’s body, she got a strange look on her face.  She looked at Steve with a huge smile.  I saw him follow her gaze and watched as his face twisted up in confusion.  “It’s a girl!” he exclaimed.  It turns out in the pandemonium he mistook her parts for male!  Even though I was thrilled with having another little boy, all along I had secretly been hoping for a girl.  Emotion washed over me as I realized that the sweet little being I held on my chest was indeed the little girl I had been pining for.

 

Erin helped to deliver my placenta and afterward explained each part to me.  It was beautiful in a unique way.  She then checked my bottom.  I had two superficial tears that did not require stitches.  The assistant midwife prepared a wonderfully relaxing herbal bath for us.  I got into the bath with baby and Steve and I bathed her together.  She was calm, alert and perfect in every way.   After the bath, Steve, baby and I crawled back into our freshly made bed.  Baby was weighed and measured.  9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches at 8 days ‘overdue’.  A healthy girl!  

Erin talked to me about ways to keep comfortable post partum and explained warning signs to look out for.  We chatted for a few more minutes before the other midwives came in to say good night.  Erin tucked us in and told us to get some rest.  She said she would see us tomorrow and congratulated us yet again.  I listened as the midwives milled around, working on cleaning up from the night’s event.  They even did the laundry before they departed, bless their hearts.   I smiled to myself as I recounted the last few hours.  Who would have thought?!?  A three hour labor?  Even though my home birth didn’t go quite as planned, (I really wanted to be able to use that tub, darn it! J), I wouldn’t change it for the world.  The experience of an unassisted childbirth is something I’ll never forget.  It was so completely empowering.  Delivering our baby into my husband’s hands is an experience that has bonded us even closer together as a couple.

 

Birthing my sweet girl at home was everything I hoped it would be and more.  There was no fear and no stress.  There was just intensity and love.  I am so incredibly thankful to those who supported me in my journey, but I am especially thankful to Erin.   I am thankful to Erin for her quiet, calming presence.   I am thankful to Erin for genuinely caring about me, always listening to me, and never talking down to me.  But, I am most thankful to Erin for empowering me, believing in me and allowing me total control over my pregnancy and birth. 

 I felt completely at peace with the world as I drifted off to sleep with my already snoozing husband on one side of me and my sweet little baby girl on the other. 

Navigating The Hospital Machine

I have written a lot about how to get a natural birth in a hospital.  It IS possible and is a wonderful experience for many women.

But......

Well, we all know that sometimes it isn't a wonderful experience.  Plus, for the woman who desires an unmediated birth, the truth is that natural hospital births are a rare occurrence.  While my description of the hospital as a machine may seem harsh, I think it is appropriate.

The hospital is big.  It is efficient.  It is full of trained personnel with jobs to do.  In order for something to be efficient and quick then things are done according to a set plan, with rules and attention paid to accomplishing the various tasks at hand.  The hospital must balance many things: keeping women and babies safe and happy, profit, liability concerns, and the needs, personalities, and training of their staff to name just a few.

It is wonderful to have a well oiled machine to walk into when you get into an accident and need swift, lifesaving care.  But it can feel like a grinding, emotionless beast when we combine it with the hormonal, sensitive, spiritual and physical function of birth.  Add to the mix a group of women who can vary widely in what they consider an "ideal" birth experience and in the way they birth makes it difficult for a well oiled machine to meet the wants of everybody who goes there.  In fact, sometimes women feel like a cog in the works when they desire something as foreign as a natural birth.

Find Your Voice

I am starting to think that the "prep" for the hospital begins with your visits with your doctor or midwife.  There is a routine.  There are things to be weighed and measured.  There are charts to be read and met.  There are standards held for the mother and her baby that sometimes have more to do with efficiency and liability than the individual needs of that birthing family.  

One common part of the prenatal visits, especially in the last month of pregnancy, is the vaginal exam.

You can probably guess what I think about that.  I find this to be far from just a harmless routine.  Not only can it set the seeds of doubt in the heart of a mother, but it helps prepare her to be a willing and obedient participant in the hospital machine.  If you will comply in allowing a stranger to stick their fingers in your lady parts, what WON'T you do?

Maybe you are wondering what on earth I am getting at.  My point is this- if you want to have the courage and strength to stand up to what can be useless routines when you are IN THE HOSPITAL GIVING BIRTH, then it may behoove you to being standing up for yourself during your PRENATAL VISITS.

Kindly but firmly ask questions.  Kindly but firmly assert your needs.  Kindly but firmly refuse procedures that you have decided against.  Kindly listen to your care provider if they have objections.  Then kindly but firmly make a decision.

You may find during your visits that if you do this, your care provider really doesn't enjoy your company any more.  If this is the case, then you may want to mull over what exactly that means for your birth.

Don't just brush it off.  

I believe that if your entire pregnancy has been spent practicing how to be the most compliant, "good" patient on the planet, you may find it quite difficult to assert yourself once you are actually in the depths of strong labor.  Your experience may be very different if you have managed to vocalize and find a care provider who is respectful of you but trained enough to know when other measures are needed.

Speaking up when pregnant, helps prepare you to speak up in labor.

I honestly believe that being able to find your voice, speak for yourself, and feel confident is IMPERATIVE to having a good birth ANYWHERE you choose to birth.

But it doesn't start in labor.  You must do this earlier.  It is intimidating to be in a foreign environment where you are not the expert and where you don't know what everything and everybody does.  It is easy to just fall in line and get what you are handed.

Birth however is not meant to be an assembly line.  We aren't building cars and each woman does this differently and in her own time.  If you feel safe in a hospital then birth there, but that doesn't mean that you should have zero say in your birth.

It is still your BODY and you have autonomy over it.  It is still your BABY and you are responsible for it.  This BIRTH is one that you will remember forever- I can guarantee that.

When we talk about that elusive word empowerment- this is what we mean.  It is something that you realize you have inside you.  It comes from ownership and responsibility.  When we talk about empowerment in the context of birth, it means owning your birth and taking responsibility for it.  Women tend to feel very upset about their births if they feel like they WERE NOT LISTENED TO.  Empowerment comes when we find our voice and USE IT.

We have strong voices.  Let's start using them. 

Easy Vegan (Or Meaty) Black Bean Chili

Another EASY (and easily vegan) meal for ya ladies.  I love our little recipe section.  

You can find more like this from this mom's website- HERE

Enjoy!

~

Today was a lazy day.  Ok, ok!  I have a lot of those.  If you would like to make this chili without using canned beans and all that – please DO go for it.  Sometimes I like to do that, too.  But not today.  All I really wanted to do was set it and forget it.  SO, if you too want an easy meal on a cold, rainy day – I vote for chili every time!

One of my FAVES!

Ingredients:
3 cans black beans
1 can kidney beans, rinsed
1 can fire roasted tomatoes (I got them at Aldi’s)
3 small cans of tomato sauce
1 can tomato paste
1 onion
1 celery stalk
3 cloves fresh garlic
2 lbs. lean ground meat of choice
Directions:
Put all the ingredients into a large pressure cooker.  There is plenty of liquid in the cans so no extra water necessary.  Cook on high until pressure increases, and decreased heat to simmering for 30-40 minutes.  Release pressure and remove lid.
Spice it up:  we always LOVE to put some Franks Red Hot in it, but my boyfriend mentioned this chili was good enough to eat without it!  One of these days I’ll make it from scratch.
Make it Vegan: Use ground meat substitute, garbanzo beans, or even some pasta to this and it could be excellent.  OR, add some more veggies.  Your choice – your imagination is the only thing keeping this from being made your way.
Mmmmmmm!  That was my second time eating chili today.  I LOVE IT!  So, what is your favorite cold, rainy day food?  Is there something you would like to have that you’d like to see posted?

A VBAC Nobody Said Was Possible

How about an amazing VBAC for you?!  

Reading birth stories is like reading about the strength of women- and often against ALL odds.  I am so happy for this mama that she got what she wanted, even though there was some pressure.  I think this is also very illustrative of just how hard and how much a woman has to fight to get a VBAC in this day and age.  What a disservice we do birthing women when we deny them autonomy over their birth.

Enjoy!

I gave birth to my first child at 37 weeks, via c-section due to his being breech, and fully expected to give birth around that time with my 2nd child. This time, however, baby is heads down and has been for a majority of the pregnancy.  Because the anesthesia did not work properly with baby #1, I was DETERMINED to have a VBAC.  Contractions start at that 37 week mark. They are lasting a minute in length and are about 5ish minutes apart. They are not intense, but I notice them and they meet the criteria my doctor told me about regarding when to get to the hospital. But my mom wasn't in town yet. She was to be coming in less than a week and is supposed to hang with the toddler and pup when I are in the hospital. Crap! Well, I went to sleep and figured if it was time, contractions would wake me up.  The contractions stopped, but my mom freaked out and flew in 4 days early anyhow. Family and friends are all on stitches waiting for my labor to kick in full force. Week 37 passes....and 38....then comes week 39. This is NOT how I planned things to go.  I tried everything short of taking Castor oil to get things rolling. Contractions start, and then stop. Start, and stop. And they are doing nothing.

At my 39 week OB appointment, the decision was made to induce on March 5th, the day after my due date. I was not effacing or dilating. My body seemed to be asleep. The pressure was on. I had convinced myself at this point that if we actually did end up inducing, it would not work and I would end up with a c-section anyhow. Discouraged, I lamented, AGAIN, to my long distance doula friend.  Now, a month prior she told me about a web site called spinningbabies. She was convinced that I COULD have a very successful VBAC but thought the reason labor would not get into full gear or the baby was still high and not engaging was that the baby's head was not tucked properly and getting stuck on my pelvic bone. I followed some things the site said including getting on all 4's a lot and doing work on the birthing ball. Both she and the web site suggested belly lifts as well. I read how to do it and why it could work, but I just did not buy it at the time and wrote it off. My doctor however, only two in the area who will even consider delivering VBAC's, felt that I had about a 5% chance of a successful VBAC because I had a small pelvis.  Small pelvis?  I think not.

As my 39th week of pregnancy was coming to a close, on the evening of Saturday, March 3rd, I lamented to my doula friend again. She got a tad snippy with me about not doing the spinning babies stuff. Well, I had tried, just not the belly lifts and I needed a reality check. At that point though, less than 48 hours away from an induction, what could it hurt? So, I pulled my husband  out of his Pastor's office as he was putting the final touches on his church services and sermon for the next morning to help me.  The belly lifts were not comfortable and I was pretty sore afterwards. I didn't even bother with a bath to help relax me. Nothing else had worked up to this point, so why would the stupid belly lifts do anything?

At 1:45am, Sunday, March 4th, (my due date) I was waken up by some major cramping. This was nothing new. Anyone who has been pregnant knows how uncomfortable sleeping can get, especially as the end draws near. This was not the first time I had been waken by contractions, so I told myself they meant nothing. But, I was not able to go back to sleep. What started as an almost constant cramping turned into measurable, and intense contractions. It was not until I absolutely knew I could not keep lying down that I woke my husband and told him we needed to start timing these. This was at about 2:30am. By 3:00, we were packing for the hospital and he was making arraignments for his back up to handle church services later that morning. Could this really be it? I was still a skeptic.

But the contractions continued and started becoming more intense and painful during the hour long drive to the hospital. This had to be real, but I was still hedging my excitement until I was checked out by the nurse. By the time we got there and I was first checked, around 4am at this point, I was 90% effaced and 3cm dilated. Contractions were textbook. Baby looked great. WOO HOO!!!!!!!! Bring on the baby!

I refused an IV at first, but agreed to a saline lock. Then they allowed me to labor in the tub a while. This was actually a big deal because I was a dangerous VBAC patient who's uterus could rupture killing me and the baby at any moment. (Cue sarcasm. That is how my doctor and the hospital saw things, but I knew better) The water and jets helped at first. But after 20 or so minutes, the jets annoyed me and I realized I was gonna have to change positions. Contractions were still intensifying and getting closer together. This was a good pain and a good sign. I asked the nurse what it was going to feel like or how I would know when to start pushing. She said, it will feel like your ass is going to either explode or fall off. I laughed. Little did I know... ;-)

Then, my OB comes in. He wants to break my water. I rebel at first but realize he could end this trial to VBAC at any time. When your water is broken or breaks, you are pretty much put on a timer. If baby is not born by a certain time, c-section. And, there is no going home if labor stops. Oh, and there is an increased chance of infection. And, of course, the contractions become much more intense and painful. But, as he put it, I had to play ball and I agreed. But I was exhausted and I knew if I was not able to rest, I was not going to have the umpf to push this baby out. I also requested an epidural because rest was not going to happen if the contractions were going to hurt more than they already did.  Doctor broke my water around 6ish in the morning. Now apparently, you need to have one bag of IV fluid in you before they will do the epidural. So she put me on the fastest drip she could to get that fluid in me. During that time, I tried to sit on the birthing ball. That did not help at all. Tried to get on hands and knees. That was also a big fat failure. Counter pressure and massages made it worse. The labor was progressing and I was starting to not handle the pain very well.

I was petrified of another epidural, but my oh my, when it went in just after 8 am, I wanted to marry that anesthesiologist. By this time I was fully effaced and around 5 cm.  my husband needed to run to the store for a while and I needed to sleep. The nurse had me turn on my left side while he was out. She came back about 35 minutes later and checked me. I was at 6 cm. Doc came in about 5 minutes later and checked me again. I was at 7cm. WHERE IS MY HUSBAND???? They told me not to panic but to give him a call and tell him to head back when he can. I was starting to feel that pressure and knew it was not going to be long.

Now, up until this point, my doctor was STILL convinced that this was going to end in a c-section. He had the staff ready to take me to the OR at a moment's notice. That was, until this cervical check. The look on his face was so very funny. He was amazed and said, "Ok Mama. I'm on board now. Let's get this thing done." Shew! Nancy Negative has left the building! My L & D nurse knew I was determined to have a VBAC and that my OB did not think it was going to happen. We had been joking the whole time about proving him wrong. Well, it looked like I was going to do just that. You NEVER tell a woman of Irish descent that she can't do something. Sheesh Doc.

My husband stumbles in and I am at 8 cm at 11:25 am. And the nurse was right. While I was not feeling the worst of the contractions, Oh my heavens...the pressure! My ass DID feel like it was going to fall off. She put me back on my side. Less than 15 minutes later, I just can not take the pressure anymore. I have to push and I don't care if there was cervix left. She checked me and.....TA DA....I am at 10 cm and ready to push.

Since baby was a tad bit high, they let me rest sitting up for a hair over 30 minutes. Then I started pushing with the nurse. Purple pushing on my back.  When they start seeing the baby's head, full of dark hair, they call in my doctor. The pushing did not hurt. I didn't even feel that ring of fire they all talk about. What did hurt was all the "perineal support" they were giving me between pushes. But, I sucked it up because I knew it was for my own good.

Seriously? Pushing is hard work. Really hard. Like running a marathon hard work. And, I was getting tired. I wished so much at this point that I did not have the epidural and could get on my hands and knees.  But, that was a no go.  I'll keep that in mind if we are ever blessed with another child.  I was not opening my eyes and was having trouble catching my breath between contractions. When I did open my eyes after about 35 minutes of pushing, my doctor in a very calm and caring voice said he would like to use forceps to go ahead and get the baby out. He did not doubt that I could push the baby out, but saw I was getting tired and wanted to give me that option. I asked him how long it would take. He said baby would be out during the next contraction. I said do it.

He did not lie. It took a minute or two to get the forceps inserted and around the baby's head. Let me tell you, the insertion of those forceps was more painful than any contraction I had up to that point.  Again, for future reference, unless there is a major reason to use them, no forceps.  During the next contraction, he actually had to use very little pressure to help ease baby out due to my pushing along with it. I tore, but didn't feel it. 3rd degree and bilateral tears to be specific. I pushed baby out at such a force that her umbilical cord actually tore and shot blood across the room. No harm, they just had to clamp it right away, all was well. And just like her brother, she really did have a head full of hair and after that initial "what the hell just happened" cry, she was content and alert.

Placenta was delivered 3 minutes after the baby, no pitocin or help required. Doc stitched me up and finally, it was over. And, I am not exaggerating, the nurses, surgical assistant and doctor all did a VBAC celebratory cheer and dance. Everyone was excited and happy. I was smug with that "I told you so" attitude and my doctor was amazed. And humble. I ordered some food and my husband, myself and our newest addition were left alone to bond. It was a good day.

Happy Birthday Baby Morgan.

8lbs, 7oz
20 1/4 inches long
14 inch head
Perfect in every way.....

The Amazing Power of Getting OUT of the Stirups!

We talk a lot in the natural birth community about women NOT birthing in supine (on your back) positions.  This story illustrates beautifully why this is so important.  This mom goes from a sure c-section to a vaginal birth in a matter of minutes, all because of position change.  Not only that, it is a testament to the power of the body, the importance of listening to it, and the role pain plays in labor.  So often pain is simply telling us to move or change.  I love this story and the way this amazing mother changed her birth-

Enjoy~

I've always prided myself in knowing that I have textbook deliveries.  Even though I have gone through three inductions due to blood pressure issues, they have all been relative easy and I never needed any pain medication.  Well with my first I had a little bit and begged for the epidural, but they came too slowly to get it started before I pushed baby out.  With the birth of our most recent child last Friday May 18th, I knew this one was going to be different.  I have been having fear and anxiety for quite some time (many weeks) and I just could not put my finger on where this fear was coming from. 

I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for months.  At first they were "normal" in that they felt like normal BH contractions that I had with my other pregnancies.  As I got closer and much bigger to my due date, they began feeling different.  Instead of lots of pressure in my belly and the feeling of baby being pushed down, I would have lots of pressure in my pelvis with pain in my hips.  I think it was the pain in my hips that made me start to question the position of the baby.  My biggest fear (which I think I wrote about before) was baby being breech and having to have a c-section.  

The day before I delivered, I had my 37 week appointment.  During the previous week I was checked for dilation so Dr. V did not check me again.  However he did feel around my belly to see if baby was sitting head down.  It was totally not very comfortable, but it was bearable and he really didn't seem 100% positive that baby was head down.  That afternoon I had contractions non stop into the evening.  I didn't think twice about them because I knew that when I went to bed that night they were going to stop, which they did.  I sent a text message to my friend Sharon and she and I agreed that it sounded like pre-labor.  While I was excited about that possibility, I knew it was a bit early as I was only 37 weeks.

The next morning (Friday) I woke up from a great night sleep and through out most of the day I was still contracting, but nothing to make me say, "Yup, this is labor."  One thing that did concern me was that when I had gone to the bathroom, it seemed like I had a very slight leak of my amniotic fluid.  I know what it is like to have SROM (spontaneous rupture of membranes) and this did not feel like that.  Through out the day it was hard to tell what it really was because I had already been having lots of mucus and pieces of my plug coming out all week.  So I told myself that if anything changes by the evening, I would give the hospital a call and see what they suggest.  

In the mid afternoon, I decided to take a nap.  A nap is not something I normally do (who does with 5 kids running around?).  I had snoozed on the rocking chair, but I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and decided I needed to get a better rest than that.  As I laid down, I realized that for the first time I was still contracting.  This was kind of exciting, but at the same time I didn't put much stock in it.  Around 5:30 pm, I went to the bathroom and had some bloody show.  (Again another first for me on that one.)  So I called the hospital and because of my questioning that my water may be leaking, they told me to come in.  Now, keep in mind at this point, I have all my stuff ready to be packed, but nothing in a bag yet.  After all I still have a couple more weeks to go.  So I get myself ready to go and I head in alone with nothing but my cell phone.  

I get in and I am greeted by the PA.  I tell her the story and they hook me up to the fetal monitor, take some blood, and put in the IV "just in case".  From here events start to happen quickly.  The first thing they (the PA and LD nurse) is check my cervix and do a test for fluid.  The PA checked first and I could see something was up because I could see it in her face that she wasn't sure what she was feeling.  When the LD nurse checked me she said I was 5 cm dilated with bulging waters.  Well that would explain the wetness feeling I was having and the steady contractions.  The thing they were unsure of was baby's presentation.  So they call in Dr. V and they bring in the ultrasound.  It was 6pm when Dr V came in and when he checked me he confirmed that I was 5 cm 100% effaced and baby was high.  He was able to confirm that baby was head down via ultrasound.  The decision was made, I was staying in the hospital and was going to have this baby.  Oh my stars, I was totally not prepared for that.  

I then began calling in the troops.  My husband was home and in the middle of cooking an amazing supper (orange chicken with stir fried veggies and noodles) and I tried to reach my mother.  I couldn't get a hold of her, so I called my dad who was at the other farm working, so he said he would be at the house and would find mom.  My dad, bless his heart.  While my husband worked hard getting the food finished, my dad found my suitcase and packed up my things for me.  Okay, so all the while I was making my calls my contractions were steady and regular, but not very painful though they seemed pretty impressive to the nurse on the monitor strip.  Again I've always prided myself in being able to handle the pains of labor well on my own and the hospital staff all know this too.  

37 weeks, day before delivery

At 6:26pm Dr. V came in again to check me.  Apparently at his last check, he was really not sure what he was feeling.  There seemed to be something other than a smooth head presenting.  They thought maybe it was baby's face with nose presenting first, or maybe it was a hand.  As he was trying to find out, my water broke, with an amazing huge gush.  Again another first there!  My immediate response to the doctor, "Look what you did."  HA!  Oh yeah, definitely no going back now.  Okay, so it is no wonder I look so absolutely huge in my 37 week picture with baby sitting so high.  I had a lot of fluid for him to hang out in.  Thankfully the fluid was clear and we are good to go for another successful natural delivery.  They were now prepared for a quick delivery.  Not sure who, but Dr. V or the LD nurse expected arrival in about 30 min, but I said, nah 2 hours. 

From here time begins to get a little sketchy for me.  Shortly after my water breaks, my husband arrives.  My contractions begin to intensify, though I was able to relax and regroup between them.  This was a consistent event all the way through until I pushed.  Which is something I was so very grateful for later on.  So, I'm going to say maybe an hour after my water breaking, they wanted to check me again to see how baby was presenting.  I was now at 7/8 cm with a little bit of lip of cervix to thin out and something other than baby's smooth head was presenting.  Can I just say when you are in the midst of contractions and everyone is up in your business, it feakin' hurts.  I'm not a very nice person when I'm in labor, and I was not too shy to tell them to get out of me.  However, it was when the LD nurse checked me that they learned what was coming out.  His hand.  The little bugger had his hand over his head.  The beautiful part of the vaginal check was that the little man held her finger.  What gave me hope for a successful delivery was that the LD nurse said that there is plenty of room for him to come out vaginally.   

Okay, so to explain my contractions.  They were unlike anything I have ever experienced.  I would have the normal intense pressure in my belly, but my hips would be on fire.  We had to try to get baby to turn and pull his hand in.  Well, not that pulling his hand in is an absolute requirement (as we later learn), but it does make labor easier.  Now no one said this, but I always thought that baby was also sitting at a bit of an angle so that his shoulders were getting a little hung up on my pelvic bones.  So Dr. V and the nurse wanted me to change position to the knee/chest.  With my husband by my side, I told him I knew that this labor was going to be different.  I knew it in my gut; this is where my fear was coming from weeks ago.  So I turned around in the bed and with my chest to the bed on a pillow and my rear in the air, we attempted to get baby to slide back up a bit to pull his hand down.  Even in this position my contractions never changed.  They were still the same feeling of fire in my hips with baby trying to push through (though I never felt pushy).  I sat this way for about 10-15 min.  What was nice and comforting was my husband gently rubbing my lower back/hips.  I could not handle an actual back rub or any counter pressure, but light touch was definitely very soothing.  The nurse then asked me if I wanted to move to my left side which I quickly replied, "No" and it gave her a good laugh.  So I sucked it up and laid on my left side.  Yeah, you want to cause a laboring woman more pain?  Make her endure a couple contractions on her side.   

So again they decide to check me to see if changing positions helped and unfortunately it did not.  So we got out of bed and I leaned over the edge of the bed.  The nurse decided to try to use this position to see if she could get baby to pull his hand back.  Her idea was to try to push his hand back with her fingers.  Yeah, okay, next time (if there is a next time) I will not let this happen.  That was torture.  Oh, and another first for me was the fact that I kept peeing myself!  What is up with that!?!  I would have a contraction and I knew in order for it to help I needed to relax so that baby can move down, but in the mean time I'd relax and couldn't stop from peeing.  This is where nurses rock.  They totally deal with any mess that happens.  

So after leaning on the bed with no success to get baby to move, I stood up and went through one contraction standing up with my husband supporting me.  This is where I should have stayed.  I regret not listening to my husband who was trying to tell the staff that I need to stay out of bed and let gravity happen.  My mind was in such a whirl wind from dealing with the intense contractions, that I could not speak up for myself.  I got back into bed and with a final check, Dr. V said I was complete and ready to push.  Oh the magical words to a woman.  Unfortunately his words did not match my body at all.  In fact it seemed to be so totally counter productive because I was now in the most awful position of legs in stirrups and baby pressing against my hips with each contraction.  I tried to push through a couple contractions (and in the mean time shushing anyone who tried counting or tried to talk).  It was just not happening.  I told them I did not have the urge to push.  I was confused.  I hurt, baby did not feel like he was in the right position yet to be pushed out, and I was losing hope.  As each contraction would come down, I would say, "My freakin' hips are on fire man!"  

I had to stay focused.  I trusted my body, I trusted birth, and I trusted that God was going to help me deliver a healthy baby.  I'm a birth blog junkie.  I have read so many stories of difficult deliveries.  I knew that with support I could deliver this child, but my confidence was waning.  After trying to push through a couple contractions, the nurse and Dr. V left the room to discuss what should happen next (I assume).  The PA stayed with me as did my husband.  I endured a couple more contractions on that awful bed in the stirrups and I had to find my inner focus.  I would alternate between, "Jesus give me strength" and "I can do this" with each contraction.  I am so very very grateful for the breaks between contractions to reach down to that inner focus.  All the while I could hear my husband praying over me.  I tried to focus on a prayer like the Lord's prayer or a Hail Mary, but that required too much brain power.  Keeping simple with "I can do this" and "Jesus give me strength" was just enough to keep me going.  

My husband had to use the bathroom (he had been asking me for a while and I just couldn't let him go) so I told him to make it quick.  Mean while Dr. V and the nurse came back in and he said he was calling Dr. A the OB surgeon to do a c-section.  Dr. V felt like baby was stuck and I could not bring him down.  I resigned very quickly and responded with a tired and pathetic, "okay" which my husband heard and was not happy about.  This is where I should have listened to him to stay out of the bed.  Dr. V said that it would take about 30 min to call everyone in and that I needed to endure the contractions without pushing (HA!  yeah, screw that!!).  30 min.  I died inside.  Mean while, the LD nurse "prepped" me with a catheter for the surgery (yeah put that on my list of do not do's).  Contractions continued to come and I begged for the medication to stop the contractions, but they denied me that (and rightly so).  One thing that helped keep me going was knowing that the nurse said I have plenty of room for baby to come out.  But I was losing hope quickly because I was getting tired, I hurt, and seemed to be stuck in a rut.  Baby just didn't seem to be moving with any of the contractions. 

While we waited for everyone to come in, Dr. V left to get the surgery room set up.  Meanwhile my legs were going numb from being in the stirrups (yeah, they left me in that position) and as each contraction came I ignored the "don't push" request and gave light pushes to make it through the contraction.  I thought maybe if I gently pushed it would encourage baby to move into position.  Finally I asked someone (didn't really know who was in the room at the time because I labor with my eyes closed) to put my legs down.  The bed was all taken apart, so the PA put it back together and she and my husband got my legs down.  Wow did that feel amazing; and it was the magical move too.  I had a huge contraction come and that most wonderful and overpowering feeling to push happened.  I could not deny it.  There was no way in hell I was going to have that c-section.  I was lying slightly at an angle on my left side so when it hit, I grabbed my right leg, pulled it back and roared with all my might.  There is no way to even duplicate that sound.  I screamed with a loud "AHHH" and I pushed with all my might.  My husband yelled, "I see crowing!!" and the PA yelled for Dr. V to come (the nurse laughed later because she had never heard the PA raise her voice yet.  She is a very soft spoken woman.)  I'm not sure if the contraction even let up or I just did what I had to do, but I stopped making noise, continued to push took another breath and yelled again.  With one long continuous push and the PA helping support and stretch my perineum, I delivered my son.  He came out presenting with his left hand and forearm over his head.  From what I remember, there was excitement and my husband said, "You did it!!". 

As soon as he came out, I looked at him and told them to give him to me.  However since he was early at 37 weeks they wanted to give him some oxygen because he was not perking up like he should.  I was being a bit pushy about getting him right away, but the staff was patient and told me that I would get him.  Once I did push him out, I looked at my husband and he looked like he had just been through the whole ordeal himself.  His face was all flush and sweaty.  That man was truly empathizing with me.  Later on he told me that it was very hard on him because there was nothing he could do for me.  He wanted to help me, but he couldn't; he did not like seeing me deal with the pain.  I love that man.  The PA and nurse took the baby to the warmer and checked him out.  He was having some difficulties breathing so they gave him some oxygen and he pinked up. 

They finally placed him on my chest and I was in heaven.  It was done.  I delivered my son.  He was in my arms without a single cut being made on my body.  He had some labored breathing while on my chest so we turned him on his side and I held the oxygen in front of him and it helped clear his breathing.  The greatest part was there was no tearing!  I thought for sure that with my forceful pushing I would have to have a couple stitches, but I was wrong.  The LD nurse said I need to start teaching the labor class at the hospital because I do so well birthing my children.  HA!

You can see the bruising on his left arm.

Our third son, sixth child Gabriel Thomas was born at 8:16pm on May 18, 2012.  He weighed in at 9lbs 7.5 oz and was 20 inches long.  Not bad for 37 weeks huh?  And I was right; 2 hours after my water broke, my son was born.
             
Looking back, was it a perfect labor and delivery?  No not really, though in the end I still had a healthy baby.  Could things have been done differently?  Yes, many things could have been done differently.  I am not angry that Dr. V was quick to make a decision for a c-section because it is a small town hospital.  Anesthesia and the surgical team are not in house every day.  So there has to be some leaning towards caution and preparation for an "emergency".  On the flip side, that waiting period gave my body the time it needed to do what it was supposed to.   

 

Gabriel Thomas 4 days old.

      

Allison, the PA who stayed by my side.

Dr. V.  He brought me through a healthy pregnancy and a successful delivery.

The Overdue Blues- A Birth Story

 The overdue baby- no matter how much you believe in the baby's timing and respect the natural process- waiting past that invented date is just plain hard.  This mom captures it so well-

Enjoy~

The average is 41+1. 41 weeks and one day. Which would put my baby's birth on my birthday. Which would effectively jilt me out of ever having a birthday again.

Baby girl and I were deep in negotiation about her birthday the week after her due date came and went. I had chosen to have birth at a free-standing birth center, but could only go through with that plan so long as I didn't go 42 weeks over due. The midwives were already looking at me sideways--despite my prodromal labor of two weeks before, I'd only dilated one centimeter. I was given a suggestion sheet, titled "gentle nudges for the hesitant fetus.  They didn't call it homework. It was homework.

I bounced on my birthing ball did pelvic tilts and careful squats, and basically wore myself out trying to get things started. I sobb3ed in the shower about how I would never ever go into labor. I cried on the phone to my mom too. She prayed with me, my husband hugged me tight, and the week dragged on.

On Friday, April 27th 2012, Boyo (the husband) and I took an easy morning off. We gardened and weeded and I ignored the fact that little girl hadn't yet shown up. I had been doing squats, pelvic tilts, and bouncing on my birthing ball as well as evening primrose oil all week, and I was tired of working hard at it. If she didn't want to come out yet, fine. I'd rip bushes out of my backyard and we'd talk about it when she was older. Probably she'd be grounded. So there.

That afternoon I felt a little twingey, but I resolutely ignored it and insisted we attend out friend's vows renewal. I was contracting throughout the renewal, but I had been contracting since 38 weeks and ignored that too. We talked, received mounds of advice (and told everyone we would not be trying castor oil thank you very much...I'd rather have pitocin than castor oil!) We swing danced all over the floor--something we've enjoyed doing since we got married two years ago (we swung danced--swang danced? Swinged...oh whatever). This surprised quite a few of our friends, who insisted I couldn't be as pregnant as I said I was.

But I was starting to get kind of back achey, and in waves, and my tummy seemed to be constantly tight. I claimed a headache and we went home a bit early. Cuddled up in bed, rode through about three contractions an hour (nothing hard, but definitely present) and watched a few TV shows. We were asleep by 10, as if we both knew that tomorrow would be a pretty big deal.

It was. 6:34am I woke up to a pretty large painy cramp, and walked around my house, called my mom and the midwives. Bounced on my birthing ball, sent out a few updates, and watched Doctor Who (David Tennant) to take my mind off things. By 10 am, I was feeling pretty 'good'-in that I hurt like heck and had to breath through each wave of contraction. I had some back pain. I was still rocking on my ball for the most part. We'd been timing them and they were following 411, so we called the midwife again.

We met at the birth center at 10:30, and Evie took one look at me and told me "you know, if you aren't far, you'll go back home right?" I nodded, and apparently surprised her with how well I was coping--I was 5cm! So happy.

So into the birthing center we went. Another hour of chatting, leaning on Boyo for the worst of it, drinking tea and getting music set up, and always, always bouncing or rolling on that big rubber ball. My mom came at 12:30, and I was just about to step into the birthing bath.

1-3pm was hard hard work. I had originally intended on laboring in the water and pushing on land, as I wasn't sure I wanted to birth in water. But once I got in there was no getting me back out. I squatted in the bath for as long as I could, through each and every contraction. I was making lots of noise--but they were "good" noises--long and low and no swearing. I snapped at my mom once when she was reminded of the scene in Finding Nemo with the whales. Do not talk about whales to a lady in labor in a tub!

Heat was needed for every contraction and then cold for every break--so husband, mom and midwife Evie were kept busy alternating hot rags and cool fans, and I was busy bossing everyone around when I wasn't holding onto my Boyo. He was an AMAZING birth coach. He kept my water bottle full and close beside me, put his hands right where I told them to keep the back pain down and said all the right things. He was with me every step and I could never have completed it without him. Throughout the labor, we Dopplered every 20 minutes and did a cervix check twice--Baby's heart was SO STRONG. She was absolutely fantastic throughout!

3:15 was transition time and that was pretty rough. With every wave I would start off "I can't do this, yes I can but I don't like it it HURTS" and then go back to moaning. I tried to say things like "open" and "out" but that only felt good cause it sounded like "ow" which is how I felt. At one point, someone tried to make me think about flower petals opening and I snapped at them too (I know it wasn't Greg but I dunno who said it) "No flowers, none of that crap. Pelvis opens, cervix opens. Baby comes down!" At each break (only 30 secs between by this time) I would tell myself (in my head) 'Next time, don't start with I can't'. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Started pushing at 3:35 or so. That felt amazing--more ouch, but more than ouch, baby was coming--I could feel her!! I was so excited and pumped, and just kept right on pushing away--too fast, unfortunately. OUCH.

Baby came out purple and squalling, with bright blonde hair all over her head. She took about 45 minutes just looking around the room, spent some of that time in dad's arms while I birthed the placenta (seriously, piece of cake), and got fundal massaged (ow. ow. humph.) Then we did a bit of breastfeeding while the midwives checked me over.

Here's the unfortunate bit. because I pushed her so quick, something snagged me on the way out, and I got a pretty gnarly set of tears--one on my perineum and one on the inside of my lady bits. We had to go to the hospital about two hours after Brielle was born, since the midwife wasn't comfortable stitching the perineal tear without a better look. So we packed the baby and I into the car and went to the hospital. Thankfully, they could do everything out patient, and stitched me up. Again, Greg was amazing through this--I know he was shell-shocked, but he held my hand and helped me position the baby for breastfeedings, effectively distracting me from my consuming need to kick the jerkface doctor in the face (she wasn't really, but that numbing stuff DID NOT WORK. Ouch. OUCH. grr.)

Mom was awesome through this too, holding baby girl, taking pictures, talking to me and getting me whatever I needed, including pizza. Omnomnom, I was starving. Evie also stayed with us all the way to the hospital, wheeled me around and sweet talked the nurses. Then she came with us to our house and saw me settled in, and made sure that breastfeeding had a good start at being established.

Brielle was born in April, according to our agreement. April 28th, 7lbs 11 oz.

Over all a fantastic journey and completely worth the "I'm overdue!" blues.

A Plus Sized Mom, With Two Healthy, Low-Risk Births and Many Prayers Answered

I love these two birth stories.  I read LOTS of birth stories- but these ones just sucked me in.  I think you will enjoy them too and feel the joy and blessings that this mom experienced as she welcomed her two precious girls.

 

Enjoy!

 

Mia's Birth Story~

I suspected I was pregnant in April 2010 while my husband and I were on a vacation to see friends in Oregon. I was not in the least bit nauseous, I just craved berries so intensely that if I did not get them I got a headache. So I told my hubby that I thought I was and that I was nervous. I was trying to lose weight so I was on medication and watching what I was eating carefully, so I was not too thrilled about possibly gaining weight. In his signature carefree, laid back manner he replied "If you are great! If not, then great!" Greaaaaat. 

 

Not that we were not TTC, we were, I just was not ready for the reality of it actually happening. So when we came home from our trip we went and got a home pregnancy test and I wanted to take it right away but hubby said to follow the instructions. So I did. And at 3am on April 26th 2010 I took the test and it came back positive! I remember climbing back into bed and laying next to my sleeping hubby, and thinking that our lives were going to permanently change and that I was not going to be falling back to sleep any time soon. As soon as my hubby stirred I told him he was going to be a Daddy! We were both very excited, but decided to keep it a secret until Mother's Day.

 

We announced our good news and started the search for a health care provider for myself. I originally wanted to be a part of the local midwife program through our Hospital that was closest to our home. When I met with them they explained that they did not take women in the program who were over 250 lbs. before they conceived because that automatically made me a "high risk" pregnancy. Oh how I would come to loathe those two words. 

 

I then made an appointment with a local female OB/GYN, and gave them all my information (height, weight, medical history etc..) The appointment was not for another month so I started doing everything to ensure a healthy baby. The morning of the appointment I went into the office, checked in and got excited about seeing and hearing our little one for the first time. My husband and I talked nervously about the future and started tossing around a few names, then I was called back into the office and was told that they do not take women who are over 250 lbs. because I was......you guessed it,"high risk." 

 

I was already 12 weeks along. I was angry that they made me wait a whole month to tell me this! I left the office mad, frustrated, depressed and even a little guilty for letting myself get to 365 lbs. I made about 20 calls that day to other providers in our area and every one of them told me that they would not take me because I was "high risk." I finally asked one of the providers who they did know that would take someone over 250 lbs. We got an answer and I was not thrilled with the only option I had. This doctor did not have good reviews, a good bedside manner or a good reputation. But I had no other options. Now I know I have many more options.

 

Each appointment I had so many questions for the doctor but each time by the time I got up into a sitting position on the table he was already out the door. That was when I discovered the joy of the Internet for answering some of my questions. I was told each time that I was not to gain any weight AT ALL during my pregnancy. So I made sure that from that time on I did not gain a single pound. And if I did, I made sure I lost it by the time my next appointment came around. 

 

I weighed myself religiously twice a day and made sure I ate very healthy. But I am sure the portions I ate were barely enough. I was made to feel like a circus act or an enigma at every appointment because all the tests for all the things I was "supposed" to have because I was "high risk" came back negative every time. I was not sure why they all thought I was so weird. I ate healthy, was active and led a pretty decent lifestyle. My husband and I would discuss all the things they were testing for and could not figure out why they would need to test for some of the things. All in all, it was pretty frustrating. Oh yeah, and we found out that our hospital would not let that doctor deliver there. Yay me!

 

On November 22, 2010 at our appointment, I told the nurse that for two weeks I had been having irregular but strong contractions and was feeling less movement than normal and she said that she would relay that to the doctor. She did a pelvic exam and said I was 60 % effaced and 3 cm dilated. When he came in, he did an ultrasound and used the doppler to hear the heartbeat. Everything seemed good, but he was worried that the baby was too big and that I might have to do a c-section because of it. That was the LAST thing I wanted to hear. The doctor scheduled a Non Stress Test for the 29th. The doctor said that if everything went ok, he was going to schedule me to be induced on December 6th at 39 weeks.

 

November 29th came and that morning I told my hubby to take everything just in case of something. He said it should all be fine but grabbed the bags anyways. I love him for that. We got to the hospital and I was hooked up to two very uncomfortable monitoring straps. After an hour and a half of monitoring, the nurse came in and said I could go home. So I asked that I could schedule the induction while we were at the hospital, she said she could call the doctor and ask. After about 30 minutes and some heightened activity in the Labor and Delivery area, the nurse came back and said the doctor had changed his mind and that I was going to be induced that day. I kept asking "why if everything was ok?". I did not get much of an answer until the next day.

 

I was ushered into an ultrasound where I was informed that my baby was between 8-9 lbs. and I was contracting regularly. After the ultrasound I was checked in and given a room. I got changed into the hospital gown and the nurse started my IV for fluids and Pitocin. She started the Pitocin small and gradually increased it until she had given me the most she could give me. I was shocked that the contractions were not nearly as painful as the ones that I had been experiencing! I had been told how horribly painful the real contractions could be and that I would have to do a lot of controlled breathing to get through them. HA, yeah right. I was started on Pitocin at 1 pm on the 29th. I was on facebook on my phone until 10pm with no pain. 

 

The contractions were one on top of another so the nurse came back in and dialed it back. She explained that my body needed to rest in between each contraction so the baby would not be distressed.  My Mom was actually mad at me because I was not in any real pain!(She herself experienced a lot of pain in childbirth with me as I was born via c-section after a failure to progress. And both of my siblings were VBAC but with Demerol)

 

At 10pm, the head nurse came in and offered me an epidural because I was dilating pretty quickly but I needed to sleep. I was really uncomfortable because of the stupid fetal monitoring belts. My daughter was (and still is) a very active little girl and the monitors kept having to be repositioned every 5 minutes. I am not kidding about that either. So I was told to stay flat on my back and not to roll on my side and to avoid getting out of bed to pee if at all possible (yeah, right). 

 

I really struggled with the decision because I was so committed to a natural childbirth. I understood that if I did not get sleep I would not have much energy for pushing. I just wanted to have as much energy as possible so I opted for the epidural. I hate needles. I think the most painful thing was getting the epidural. It took very well and I was asleep within an hour of getting it. At 2:57am on the 30th my water broke. Even though I had the epidural I woke up because I knew my water had broken. Sure enough a minute later a nurse came in and checked and I was dilated to a 7 and 90% effaced and my water had broken. I went back to sleep for about another hour. 

 

Then things started to get a little tense. They started having issues keeping the belt on me and the monitor in her little head. They dialed the pitocin back to almost nothing and I was in active labor on my own. By 9 am I was 10cm dilated but still 90% effaced. I was worried about the cord becoming wrapped around her neck because I could feel her moving even when she was at a +2 station. At 10:45am I felt the need to push and when the nurse checked me she told me that whatever I did DO NOT cough, laugh, sneeze or bear down. 

 

Mia was crowning and the doctor was in the next room delivering another baby. I remember thinking my body is going to do whatever it wants to because I am not in control at this point! Luckily the doctor came in about 5 minutes later and only 3 pushes Mia was born at 10:57 am weighing in at a scrawny 6 lbs 14 oz., as compared to the 8-9 lb. estimation and 19 3/4 inches long. She was beautiful and perfect and looked right into my eyes when they placed her on my chest. I remember saying over and over "Mommy loves you Mia Rose." 

 

I cried and there were tears from hubby as well. I was told that I did not tear at all and had absolutely zero complications for my being "high risk".  Unfortunately Mia was taken from us to the nursery before I could nurse her. 6 hours later we were able to finally start our breast feeding adventure. During the 6 hours I came to find out that another of my doctor's patients that was due when I was exactly, had come in for a NST and found out that her baby was stillborn. The doctor decided that it was too much of a risk to let me continue the pregnancy. I had no complications and no risk factors other than my numerical value of weight. Needless to say I was a perfectly healthy and normal pregnancy and birth other than the fact that I was morbidly obese according to my doctor.

 

As I write this Mia is an extremely active 18 month old and loves music with a passion. She is very excited to be a big sister.

 

 

 

Hallie's Birth Story~

I did not find out I was expecting Hallie until I was 4 months pregnant. Let me back up and give you a little background.

 

May 2011 my hubby and I were both unemployed and looking for work. Our daughter was 6 months old and I had just weaned her. I had one cycle. I was on the pill and exercising. June 6th my hubby received a call for an interview with a security company and I received a call to interview for a position at Starbucks. We both got the jobs and suddenly our family went from spending 24/7 together to being passing ships in the night between work schedules. I am really very lucky that my Mom lives on the street behind us. She watched our daughter while we worked. Mia started experiencing some separation anxiety so that made me going to work even more rough.

 

July 26, 2011 I developed a rash on both of my arms and nothing cured it. I was informed by our insurance that in light of consolidating Medical Records, my general care provider had just been changed to a provider that was an OB/GYN as well as a General Care provider. So I went into the new doctor and showed him my rash and he had me do some blood work to make sure it was not Celiac Disease, which my Dad had just been diagnosed with. I put off doing the blood work until I could afford the co pay which was 2 weeks later. August 29, 2011 I received a call from my doctors office saying they needed me to come in and discuss the results of the blood work. My appointment was for the next day.

 

August 30, 2011, I went into the doctors office with my husband. I was nervous because of the need to be called in to discuss the results. The doctor came into the room and sat down and opened up my file. He said that the rash was not the news but that he needed to discuss the fact that we were going to be parents again! I think my jaw hit my chest! 

 

My husband looked confused. We had taken every precaution against getting pregnant again! We went into the ultrasound room a few minutes later. I laid on the table and readied myself to see our little tadpole or bean. The doctor stuck the wand on my belly and I saw a fully developed baby! No little bean or tadpole because I was already 16 weeks pregnant and I had no clue! No cravings, morning sickness, no nothing! I had even had my regular cycles! My due date was February 28th, 2012. 

 

Needless to say I was in shock and denial. I cried. Not because I was not happy, but because I was not ready to be pregnant again. My 8 month old was just beginning to crawl, we had just moved into a house from our studio. We had done everything humanly possible to prevent it but I know God was looking at me and saying "I don't care what you do, you need another precious little gift!" I firmly believe that we are not given more than we can handle, but that belief was shaken for about a month. We did not tell anyone for that month because I was in shock. I prayed and prayed and asked why. I had just started working again and there was so much going on but I was given a peace that I cannot even explain. I am going to try though. 

 

After I had Mia, I enjoyed being a Mom so much that I wished and wished that I could be a stay at home Mom. When I went back to work, it tore me up every time I had to leave her, and when I saw her little face at the end of the day it made me feel so complete. Even though I thought I could not handle another little one, God answered the deepest desire of my heart to be a stay at home Mommy. My husband's job gave him a raise and I was given another little life to cherish. I resigned my position at Starbucks in the beginning of October 2011. 

 

We had such a difficult time finding a name for our new baby girl. It needed to have meaning that was significant. We eventually decided on Hallie Michelle because Hallie means "unexpected gift" and Michelle means "Gift from God". It defined her perfectly.

 

It just so happens that my doctor also happened to be the only "high risk" OB/GYN that our insurance would cover. And he was the doctor I originally wanted for my first daughter. Talk about answered prayer! I went to all my appointments through December and everything was going wonderfully. My doctor and I had a great understanding. He understood that I was not "high risk" other than the fact that my weight was not what it should be. Other than that I was a perfectly healthy and active individual. My husband even liked him, which says a lot because my hubby hates doctors.

 

January 13th, 2012 was the date of my first appointment in the new year. It was also Friday the 13th. I am not overly superstitious but looking back, I should have known it was not going to be a great day.

I checked in for my appointment but was told that my insurance had been canceled and the doctor could not see me until I had some form of insurance because I was already past 34 weeks. I was so upset!!!! My Insurance told me that we had been without Insurance since the end of November. We had never been informed of anything. So for the next 2 weeks I spent most of my time in a frenzy trying to get some kind of medical insurance so i could continue to be seen. I finally got medical insurance again on February 12th, 2012, when I was 38 weeks.

 

Well my due date came and went. No sign of Hallie making an appearance. By 41 1/2 weeks I was ready to have her. I was in labor with her but I was not dilating. I was checked into the hospital on the evening of March 5th and started on Cervadil. I dilated and labored naturally all the way until 7cm and 100% effaced at 6 am on the 6th. I stopped dilating and I was in a crazy amount of pain. I felt like my hips were being ripped off my body with each contraction. 

 

Hallie was not descending and nothing was helping her to either. I had a gut feeling that she was not descending because my water had not broken. I told the nurse that as soon as my water breaks within about 10 minutes I would be able have her out. I explained that my last delivery went very quick once I dilated completely. I asked for an epidural only because my hips felt as they did. I had wanted to avoid an epidural because I had one with my last daughter, but I was ready for some relief. Have I mentioned how much I HATE needles? I do. I cried like a baby when they gave it to me. But I was able to get some rest until 9:45am. That's when things got crazy.

 

The nurse was checking me and she had a resident along with her. The resident was very nice and was asking how she could tell that my water was going to break any minute so the nurse waited until my next contraction and then asked the resident to feel the bag as the contraction was happening, she said "it feels exactly like a water balloon filled to bursting.". After that the head nurse checked me to see where I was dilated to and she said I was a 10 and completely efface but Hallie was still at a -2 station. 

 

As she was checking me my water broke and I felt her drop hard into my pelvis and the immediate need to push. This was at 10 am. I told them I felt I needed to push NOW, and they put the fetal monitor in and Hallie's heart rate was going crazy. It ranged from 90- 180 bpm. They called the doctor and he said he was 20 minutes away but would try to get there ASAP. 

 

They started to get things set up but I saw that they were also prepping for an emergency c-section. My poor husband was not sure what all was happening. But they started to break away the bed as they put my feet into the stir ups, as they were doing that the bed got jammed and that was the end of me being able to deliver on my side. The head nurse was concerned that the fetal monitor might not be in right because of the crazy readings we were getting. 

 

She re-inserted the fetal monitor into Hallie's scalp and then her readings went back to normal! 2 minutes later the doctor came running in and was all scrubbed up. The head nurse explained what had happened but also said I felt I needed to push now. He had my husband help me into a traditional pushing position and told me to refrain from pushing while he did a perineal massage to help me not to tear. He told me to give him a push and Hallie was crowning with a full head of hair! One more push and Hallie Michelle was born at 10:10 am weighing in at 7 lbs even and 19 3/4 inches long. She was laid on my belly as I delivered the placenta. She latched on right away and nursed for 30 minutes straight. I remember my hubby and I just staring at our beautiful little gift and crying. Life would never be the same.

 

As I write this Hallie is 8 weeks old and smiles all the time. She is my little cuddle bug and chatterbox. She has been cooing at me since she was 4 weeks old. Her big sister adores her but sometimes forgets that she cant play the same way. LOL I love my crazy life, my hubby and my 2 daughters. I am blessed to now be a Stay at Home Mommy.