Five Things I Wish I Knew As A New Mother

I feel so blessed to be able to teach and learn from expecting families as my fun side "job". I realized though, after a somewhat worried e-mail from a former student that I sometimes forget about them after they have left the class.

I have so many students now plus my own family that I can't really feasibly help everybody through the early days of motherhood, but I wish I could. I feel strongly that women at this most vulnerable time in their lives are so often left alone in our culture. They often feel isolated and overwhelmed as they switch from competent career woman to "why is this baby crying?!" mom.

I remember those first weeks and months with my first baby, and for me, they were difficult. Mothering didn't come easy to me. I had never cared for young children. I had never been physically depleted and never been so socially isolated as I was in those early months.

Here are the things I wish I had known then.

~You will love your baby~


Of course I loved my baby, but unlike some women, I didn't feel an immediate understanding or overwhelming bond with my baby. Maybe this had something to do with some postpartum things that happened, but no matter why, it was difficult and overwhelming at a sensitive time.

Sometimes that immediate bond doesn't come right away- but it does come. Serving the baby twenty-four hours a day, as you will as a new mother, teaches love. Service is truly a vehicle for love. I think that is one of the reasons why babies NEED their mothers so much, so that we can learn to love them so much that we will remember it forever and through all of life's hard times.

I wish I had felt less guilt, and just trusted that love grows, day in and day out.

~You will learn to mother~

I never had that important of a job or career, but I was hard worker and my bosses liked me. I felt like I mattered and helped. School was also enjoyable and made me feel competent.

Going from somebody who knew what she was doing and could instruct others to somebody who had no idea if the baby was hungry, tired, or in pain was difficult for me. I would watch in awe as experienced mothers would visit, pick up my baby, and suddenly he would stop crying. What?! I am his mama, why can't I do that?!

For me, learning how to read and understand a baby took time and effort and more time. It is a learning experience. Because it is an all day, every day job, that can be exhausting and overwhelming. But somehow it happened. When I had my second, suddenly I knew what she needed, as if by magic.

Mothering is amazing, but it is also sometimes learned. Don't beat yourself up if it takes you some time to learn it.

~Advice is nice, unless it is wrong. Instincts however...tend to be right~

There is so much information out there and it comes from everywhere. There are books and relatives and friends and blogs and online forums. All are full of self proclaimed experts who will tell you what to do. (Yes, even me.)

I remember trying to do everything right according to a popular attachment parenting book. Guess what, my baby still screamed sometimes! I remember just closing that book and deciding to just do this myself and stop trying to check every box on the attached parent manual.

Sometimes books and experts are extremely helpful. But sometimes they just cloud your judgment and your natural instincts when you need to hear them the most. Everybody has an opinion, that is a given, what we forget is that everybody also has DIFFERENT kids and different life experiences.

Some babies nurse every hour. Some nurse every three hours for only five or ten minutes at a time. Both may grow happy and healthy and chubby. The trick I found, was to worry less and listen to my baby and my instincts more. By the way, I have had both types of baby. One I filled out charts for to show to lactation consultants, counted diapers and timed feedings to make sure they were long enough. The other one I just (horror of horrors) FED when hungry. Both are alive and well, but one had a much more stressed mother.

~Breastfeeding gets easier~

Somebody told me that it takes two weeks to get good at nursing and two months to become expert at it. It is great when nursing just happens beautifully right away, I have been blessed with that too. But sometimes, it is a rocky start.

Doing everything you can to prepare, learn, and make sure latch is right and all is well is important. It is also however, important just to recognize that easy breastfeeding sometimes just requires some time and patience.

~You will mess up, and it will still be OK~

I try to remind myself that my children are not made of tissue paper. Sometimes I see people so stressed about a stage or a parenting choice, they seem to think that one wrong move on their part will scar the child FOREVER.

It is important to always try our best.

It is also important to take a breath and realize that no matter how hard we try, we will make mistakes, and we will fail, and life will still go on. Being imperfect is actually not a horrible thing in a parent. It makes us human and it teaches our children some important lessons too.

I hope I can remember that mistakes are mandatory BUT they do not ruin children unless they are done with hatred or neglect. Accepting my imperfections while continuing to be better makes life a little less stressful.
~~~
~Wishing all mothers wisdom and patience, not just with their children, but also with themselves. You can do this.~

-Healthy Pregnancy Snacks-

Healthy, thoughtful eating while pregnant can do so much in making pregnancy more comfortable, enjoyable, and ensuring that mama stays low risk and able to birth normally.

One thing that stands in the way of this for women, particularly your normal American woman eating the normal American diet, is snacking. Throwing in the difficulties of eating healthy when rushing off to work in the morning or chasing after other kids can make it even harder.

Here are some snacks that are filling, contain protein, and are fairly easy to make. Mamas often report that eating well can help with nausea, headaches, tiredness, and other "normal" pregnancy ailments. Dr Brewer also felt that a diet both balanced and rich in vegetables and high in protein could prevent toxemia and premature rupture of membranes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Celery with peanut or almond butter or cream cheese~

~Cottage cheese with fruit or tomatoes~

~Boiled egg, plain or chopped on a salad~

~Apple with peanut butter~

~Raw nuts- you can get them in bulk at your local health food store, almonds are my favorite~

~Add coconut, pumpkin or sunflower seeds and raisins or dried cranberries to your morning oatmeal or granola, or just mix some of your favorites together for an easy trail mix. ~

~Cheese stick~

~Plain yogurt with some honey or fruit or some raw seeds~

~Buy or make your own granola with some added seeds~

~Fresh vegetables chopped with hummus to dip. You can make your own hummus with garbanzo beans, buy it dehydrated and just add water and olive oil, or buy it pre-made.~

~Fresh greens or sprouts with olive oil or your favorite dressing and some raw nuts and seeds on top or your favorite cheese~

~Whole grain crackers with cheese~

~Green smoothies- try some kale leaves with a few bananas and molasses to sweeten, enough ice to make it a smoothie and water, juice, or yogurt or milk to make it creamy. It is easy to add other whole food supplements to this too~

~Air popped popcorn with butter or olive oil and nutritional yeast sprinkled on it~

Feel free to add you own in the comments~

I Took Drugs While Pregnant

Let me tell you another dirty story- but this one is about me.

I have had three children. With two of my pregnancies I have taken a drug. What and why I will not share because it is private but I will say it was a prescribed pharmaceutical drug untested on pregnant women.

This was a difficult situation and decision for me. I strongly believe that NO drug is proven safe for the unborn baby. I strongly believe that part of mothering is sacrifice and a willing sacrifice at that. I am also not a fan of medications if there is any other natural or more holistic way to approach the problem.

But after thought and research and careful consideration I decided to take this drug. I felt, along with my care providers at the time, that the benefit outweighed the risk and that it could eliminate the use of other drugs later on.

Now a few days ago I posted about smoking marijuana in pregnancy. I admit to being surprised at the response I got. It really wasn't that big of a day as far as blog hits or anything like that but definitely got the most heated response I have EVER seen in the few years I have been blogging.

I live in an area where the cultivation of marijuana and its use is both very common, integral to the economy and often legal and prescribed. I admit and admitted in the blog post that I have biases on this subject.
Guess what- if it ticked you off- you are biased too.

I was also told that the post was nothing but my opinion. Well....duh. This is a blog, not CNN. Nobody fact checks me. I can write whatever I want. So can any other blogger out there. That is how it works.

I got a lot of accusations about not understanding why some women NEED drugs (of any type) while they are pregnant.

Now very few of you know me. Actually- I do understand that need. I have been there. I have crossed that bridge and I have made that choice. Guess what. I still think that there is NO DRUG PROVEN SAFE FOR THE UNBORN CHILD. And I have taken them. I do think there are times when it is worth the risk but I think they are rare and should be carefully considered.

When I say I don't really understand what was so offensive about that post I mean it. I mean it because I have been that mom making that choice and that sentence (no drug is proven safe for the unborn child) doesn't hurt my feelings one bit.

I made my choice. I was comfortable with it. It was hard choice. My kids appear to be fine. I sincerely hope that they are and have health their entire lives. I recognize though, that that might not be the case. That is the chance we take and that is the chance I took.

I ONLY made the choice to take a drug while pregnant because I felt that the BENEFIT outweighed the RISK.

If you made that same choice then more power to you. If you know that your choice was right for you, like I feel about mine, then the words of somebody else shouldn't offend you.

In my book, there is a HUGE difference between recreational drug use and a need for a drug. Even a needed drug should be carefully considered from all sides and recognized for what it is, a risk.

And yet it has become blindingly obvious to me that the subject of marijuana in particular, among crunchy moms is a hot button issue. I maintain that this is not a risk (even hypothetical) that anybody should take. I don't get it. I don't understand, and I never will.

My deep wish is that it isn't a risk. My desire would be that those babies whose moms smoke marijuana while pregnant are just fine. Never in a million years would I want any baby to be damaged by that and that is why I wrote the post- to make people think and reconsider if it was absolutely necessary or not.

I also think it is incredibly difficult to prove the safety or lack thereof of any drug, herb, or substance. To do so would require numerous longitudinal studies and even then, with the literally millions of lifestyle and environmental factors related to health, would be difficult to prove. Thus the hard nosed ideas I have about avoidance if at all possible.

What I find strangest of all about this is that I have on numerous occasions posted about the risks and even evils of Pitocin. Pitocin has, without a doubt, saved the lives of thousands of women from one of the true risks of birth, postpartum hemorrhage. I myself have been one of these moms. (I don't find posts about the evils of Pitocin offensive either, despite the fact that it has directly benefited me.)

And yet- I still think that this drug is often used inappropriately. Here is the strange thing- despite the obvious benefits of properly used Pitocin, NOBODY ever gets mad when I talk about what is WRONG with its use. NOBODY.

May we all have wisdom and love for our children as we make the choices that will build them. Peace mamas.

(I am now riding off on my high horse. It is huge. Like in a beer commercial. Ta Ta!)

Smoking Marijuana While Pregnant

Let me tell you a dirty story.

I met a woman years ago. She was in her fifties and we worked together. She had married a little later in life and her husband was older than her and had already had children. She had never had any children that were her "own". As I got to know her better I found that this was actually not a choice. She had never adopted because her husband hadn't wanted to as he already had children. But she had never had biological children for another reason.

As a teenager she had cancer cells in her female parts. Very young, long before she ever married she had to have her uterus removed, and along with it any chance of becoming pregnant or giving birth.

I found that when she was still quite young she had received a cash settlement for what had happened to her. This was something she was born with, but not something she had to be born with.

Her mother had been given an anti- miscarriage drug when she was pregnant with her, and many years down the road, doctors had found that, though the babies appeared fine and healthy, as the female children reached adulthood they had a much higher chance of some female cancers. The drug was called Diethylstilbestrol or DES and you can read about it here.

She told me that the cash settlement was small comfort, that she would have much preferred to have had children. It was obvious that this was defining part of her life.

Drugs While Pregnant-

Now you might be wondering what the heck this has to do with smoking marijuana while you are pregnant. The answer is, simply, a lot.

(I should probably start off by admitting my bias here- I avoid all drugs at all times of my life pregnant or not. There are many reasons for this. But one of the reasons I avoid drugs while pregnant is that I buy into the idea that Dr Bradley espoused that NO drugs are proven safe for the unborn fetus. When it comes to the health of our children, it is better to be safe than sorry.)

So what does DES in pregnancy have to do with marijuana in pregnancy?

DES was a drug (and for the record, not the only one) prescribed for pregnant women. It was considered safe. Babies were born and they appeared healthy. They were perfectly smart, alert, happy and normal.

There were however distinct side effects. They were just invisible for many many years. I would contend that this is not the only drug (prescribed or not, organic or in pill form) that a pregnant woman can take and still appear to have a healthy baby.You also might be wondering why the heck I would bother in a million years writing about this. Doesn't everybody know that you shouldn't do drugs while you are pregnant?

The answer to the second question is a resounding NO. I live in an area of the country where marijuana is a huge part of the economy. It is also often grown organically and there are many people out there not only saying that it is safe but that it is in fact GOOD for you. And, as it turns out, you can find plenty of stuff online (thank you Internet) that supports the idea that marijuana is perfectly safe to use even while you are pregnant.

Marijuana is a Drug-

It is actually easy to find information supporting the idea that marijuana is good for you. I would say that it is in fact a drug, and that is why you feel different when you use it. The pictures above are of two brains. They are SPECT scans, on the left of a normal healthy brain, and on the right, a brain of somebody who uses marijuana.

There is an obvious difference in brain function, is there not?

Yes you can get marijuana that is organic. Yes, it may appear to do positive things for your health (though I would make the case that it is not however healing you, it is simply not allowing the brain to communicate well enough with the body for you to receive pain signals, just like any other pain killer does). But, whatever the positive aspects of marijuana, it most definitely influences brain function.

But What About the Baby?-

What about the baby? I honestly do not know that marijuana harms the baby of the mother who is smoking it. You can go to online forums and find many mothers touting the benefits they received while pregnant to smoking marijuana (better appetite, decreased nausea, less stress).

I would adamantly contend though that your baby is not worth even a hypothetical risk. There is no doubt that marijuana crosses to the brain of the person using it. That is why you feel "high" or why your pain is gone. It is not healing you of anything, it is limiting brain communication with the body.

It Is Not All About Mama-
 
I love natural birth and you will hear me and many other natural birth fanatics touting the benefits of natural birth for the mother. We talk about lower c-section rates and the birth high and faster recovery.

We talk about the benefits to the mother so often in fact that sometimes I wonder if we forget about the baby.

Natural, un-drugged pregnancy and birth is not just about the mother and her "choices" though. It is very important to me that women be allowed to choose what is best for them and their babies and not be forced into anything. But if we get too obsessed with the mothers needs we forget about a very important player, and that is the baby.

We as mothers must choose what is best for our babies. Motherhood does not begin at the birth, it begins as soon as we get pregnant. Weather that pregnancy is planned or not, it matters not.

As soon as we have that baby inside of us it is time to start making choices for somebody else besides yourself, and choosing them first.

In part this means giving up things that we like if they are not good for the baby. It also means giving up things just in case they are bad for the baby.

Doctors; trained, educated, physicians wrote prescriptions for DES specifically for pregnant women literally for YEARS. They thought it was safe. They were wrong. They were so wrong that it influenced the lives of thousands of women in a way that wouldn't be manifest for years and years after their births.

I don't care if you can find studies saying that smoking marijuana is safe for your baby. Your baby is not worth the risk. Studies change year after year. Medicine and what is "true" within it changes quickly. Culture accepts something as normal and then 20 years later considers it offensive.

One thing that is true forever is that mothers must choose what is best for their children and be willing to sacrifice to give it to them. Another truth is that we must not take chances with our babies. No drug is proven safe for the unborn child. NONE.

~~~

(If you suffer extensively from nausea due to pregnancy, please look here for dietary tips that can help remedy many pregnancy symptoms. Remember also that bodily discomforts are your bodies way of trying desperately to tell you something, they are not trying to punish you unnecessarily.)

If you would like to see the follow up to this post you can click here.

(The Jamaican study is often given as proof that smoking weed while pregnant is safe.  I don't believe that this study proves that at all.  It was a very small study and cultural factors probably weighed heavier in their findings than marijuana use.   I cover that in depth here.)  

Birth Story- A Young Mama

Welcome to another birth story Wednesday. I love how this young mama has a great birth in the hospital. It shows that being assertive, knowledgeable and knowing what you want makes a huge difference in how well the birth goes-

Enjoy!

Here is my birth story.

at the time I was seventeen and his father was 18.

On June 4th, 2010 I woke up at 6:50 AM to my water breaking, not just a little but GUSHING. I ran up the stairs to tell my mom, call my boyfriend(Marty) and make breakfast, so here I am, hoping around in a towel diaper crossing my legs, trying to cook eggs.

Marty arrived at about 7:20 wide eyes and bushy tailed. He was freaking out.

My mom was just happy she got off work. Anyway, my mom left to go do something, not sure what, and I labored at home with Marty for a few hours.

I rocked on my birth ball, stayed hydrated, and was all around pretty excited.
The contractions got more intense and silly me, I called my doula around noon.

She arrived around one, and so did my best friend (Joan). Joan & Marty left to get party hats and snacks, and I labored away with my doula & mom. The contractions were very consistent at 3 mins apart and one minute long. It was getting pretty painful, I couldn't find a way to sit, so I went outside. I sat on my deck in the sunlight and let my water poor all over the deck steps. I was alone outside just meditating, trying to relax, and I fell asleep, so my mom and doula propped me up with a pillow (I was sitting on the steps leaning against the rail). Then at around 3:30 It got pretty bad, so I decided to go to a park and walk. (my doula who is BFing, had to go home and nurse too) so Marty, mom, Joan and I went for a nice long walk, (one mile long actually) down a trail.

It was starting to really progress (or so I thought) so we headed to the hospital. On arrival I was in and out of meditation (labor land) and holy **** contractions. I got checked and was at 5cm (they didn't tell tho, I asked not to know) But my labor stalled, and for the next few hours I labor on the birth ball, In the shower, doing pelvic rocks (He was posterior) and having HORRIBLE back labor. But Marty stayed at my side every minute of it, and my doula coached me and massaged me, and I tried to progress. at 7pm, it was 12 hours since my water broke and they wanted to start the pitocin, I refused, and we asked for a few more hours, My midwife obliged.

I labored and labored, and labored some more, while Marty & Joan fed me Wendy's between contractions, and my mom fed me skittles.

I was so exhausted by the end I would fall asleep between contractions.
at around midnight, I was finally at 7cm. (once again they didn't tell me).
But they were really wanting to push the pitocin, so I got my butt up. Marty, doula, mom & I walked the Labor & delivery unit in hopes of it picking up speed.

By this point I was so exhausted I could barely talk, So my mom actually FORCED my boyfriend to do the nipple stimulation for the next few hours.
(Dr's didn't know, they would have been pissed because "it endangers the baby" from the contractions getting stronger...well OK what would pitocin have done?)

Anyway...
Contractions picked up bad, I was actually smacking his hand away during contractions because I really was getting to want to give up. Then I started shaking, I was freezing cold, and sweating and I started feeling like I was being split in two...I told Marty I cant do this!! and he encouraged me that I could (he started crying tho at this point seeing me in so much pain)
and my doula started getting me to say "yesss" to the contractions and things just started going!

They check me at about 4 and I was at 9cm.
So we lowered the bed, and I took hold on Marty's shoulder. I squatted and began pushing.

My little man was born completely natural, without IV, pitocin, epidural, or any kind of pain meds, at 5:06am June 5th. & I caught him with my midwife's consent.
It was beautiful! The cord was so tight around his neck, my midwife was surprised his heart rate stayed the same. (I think if I had gotten pitocin he wouldn't been able to handle the contractions, so I saved myself a c section! and the epi would have stalled my labor horribly)

But at the end of it, it was so worth it.
He was born, surrounded by love & I was surrounded by support.

He was 8lbs 2oz and 20.5 inches long.

As it turns out, my son was born the day of my high school graduation.

Motherhood- A Daily Lesson in Sacrifice

(Warning- this post might get a little religious- so if that isn't your bag, run away now.)

The other day the husband asked me about sacrifice. He was supposed to teach a lesson on it at church and said he doesn't know what to say. He was wondering why we are supposed to sacrifice without expecting anything in return.

It almost made me laugh that he really had no idea where to go with this thought.

I really think that any mother worth her salt could give a lesson on sacrifice with no preparation and no books and no research. Why?- Because to be a good mother is a daily lesson in sacrifice.

Sometimes it seems almost unfair that women are expected to give so much to their families and those around them every day and expect nothing in return. I will show my bias here, so feel free to disagree ardently. But it seems that a man who sacrifices for those around him is seen as weak, while a woman is expected to do this.

A mother will give her body for months to her child. It will be forever changed. She will give every waking and sleeping moment to her children for years on end. She will sacrifice for her husband and family. She will sacrifice even her ambitions, her career and her education, at least for a time, in order to best serve her family.

I once thought this was unfair, that I felt a need to sacrifice the things I wanted while my husband seemed able, and even encouraged, to be better, get smarter, and grow more. Meanwhile I would bask in the bitterness of dishes, mopping, and dirty diapers.

Now, sometimes, through the haze of patience, mud, and tears I see the blessing that it is to be able, and even expected, to sacrifice.

Simply put, it brings me closer to my Maker. He who created us and sent us to this life did so out of love and sacrifice. To be blessed to also create life, and then to spend years giving with no expectation of anything in return, will unfailingly bring us closer to Him. It will teach us daily what it means to love, to give, to work, and yes, to sacrifice. It helps us not just to understand God better, but to be more like Him.

There are many times when I have felt bitterness that I, (and I will admit my prideful streak here) an intelligent woman, should spend my daily life enthroned not on a pile of books, but a pile of laundry. Why must I (I have wondered) feel compelled to push my husband through graduate school while I babysit for extra money and wait, probably for many many years, for my turn?

I don't feel bitter any more. I feel grateful. I am grateful that the eternal principle of sacrifice is part of my daily life. I understand it. I love it. I live it. I see why my Savior expects me to sacrifice. I understand why He would sacrifice for me, because I would willingly do the same for my children.

What may initially seem an advantage to men, the encouragement, license, and worldly pat on the back for focusing on themselves and their ambitions, is not, from an eternal perspective. Those who choose not to sacrifice daily for those around them will find the principle of sacrifice difficult to understand.

To be a good mother is to daily live the law of sacrifice. It is not a burden, but a blessing. It is quietly hidden behind the mundane, but it is there none the less.

What a blessing to be a mother. How grateful I am to be able to give to those around me, to sacrifice my time and energy and talents, not for reward, but for family. How beautiful to be handed daily personal purification while those from outside only see the burdens.

I am grateful to be a mother and for the refining fire that it is to my soul.

Birth Story- A Home VBAC!!!

Love love love this birth story. Gorgeous pictures, fantastic birth, and a testament to patience and faith. This is what it is all about ladies-
Enjoy!

Have you ever heard the story about the tortoise and the hare? Well, that's how I kinda felt during my labor. SLOW and steady wins the race. I kept telling myself that, because I knew I was in for a long, slow going labor, and it was up to me to just persevere in order to have this baby at home like I wanted. And boy, did I want this home birth so bad, I have been obsessed about trying for a vbac for two years-since the c-sec hospital birth of my first son, Lincoln, which literally left me scarred and damaged. Here is my story:

My birth story really begins on Tuesday night- December 7th.
I took my final exam for my first semester of nursing school that day. My midwife, Nicole, told me not to worry... that the baby would know how much I needed to get that test out of the way before giving birth. And that's exactly what happened. I began having period-like cramps right after the test, but thought nothing of it. I went to the mall with my friend and my 2 year old, just to keep busy, and to WALK WALK WALK and try to get labor moving. But, nothing happened. Just some light period cramps here and there. I went to bed after being up to late and doing way too much.
Wednesday- Woke up at 430 am, feeling the first contractions. They were seriously not bad, but enough to wake me during them, I got up.... took a shower, and facebooked "its a beautiful day" then woke my hubby to tell him the contractions were kinda constant, but not that strong. I wasn't sure if he wanted to take the day off or not, BUT I am so glad he did. It was great to have him here with Lincoln while I did my own thing. All DAY WEDNESDAY was like this- contractions 15 mins apart, enough to stop me in my tracks during, but I was able to move around and laugh in between.

I walked back and forth in front of my house like a maniac. I tried to nap with my son, but laying down intensified the pain. When I actually laid down and tried to time the rushes, I felt them coming now about 8 mins apart. Which was a good sign! I still didn't want to tell the whole family about it yet, since Nicole(the midwife) had told me labor might be long, and my biggest goal is not to get over excited and use up all my energy. So we waited to tell anyone. I labored all day in my home, but was getting antsy. So the three of us took our last trip out- to target. I was walking around pretty well. Trying to get things moving.

I had to stop three of four times while shopping. Zack sent me up front to grab Lincoln some bread sticks from the Pizza Hut area, since we were cooking super spicy beef stew at home (Zacks idea to speed up my labor, and Lincoln wouldn't eat it) Anyways, on my way back from grabbing Lincoln some food I felt a super strong one coming on, It stopped me dead in my tracks and I almost dropped the food. I couldn't move, I just looked Zack in the eyes, it was exciting, I knew labor was really coming on, and it was all up to me now to STAY CALM and FOCUSED! We got home, ate the super spicy beef stew, which I sorely regretted later on, but yes it did get my labor pumping a little bit more I would say, only because it kept me on the toilet constantly.

Thursday- It was now Thursday, I was up all night, I TRIED to sleep in between contractions, but that is easier said then done, It actually was super painful to lay down, so when I kept moving I could ease and wiggle around once a rush was coming. Needless to say things got more hardcore during the night time. I had to moan and pant during the contractions now. I called Nicole to tell her things were coming faster now. She kept asking if I wanted her to come, but I was not quite ready. Until I took my bath at about 3 in the morning. I laid on my side so my tummy was all in the water, and once the contraction came it was stronger then ever before.

Zack was in the next room trying to rest, and he came in the bathroom laughing-he said my noises scared the crap out of him. I sounded like a ghost moaning lol. So that made me laugh so hard, and I tried not to make that noise anymore since it just made me giggle. :) Our doula/midwife in training-Jess Brown made her way over-it was like 430 in the morning or so I believe. She was such a god-send! Zack went back to bed, and she helped me figure out how to get through each contraction.

She kept my head on straight, and helped me focus and put things into perspective. I am very grateful for her, and would recommend everyone have a doula for their birth! I wasn't going to have any internal exams, but we wanted to get a time estimate-approximately as to when I should actually call my "team" aka: The midwife, my friend to watch Lincoln, our photographer Marnie, and my mom. She checked me around 8 am I think, and I was about 3-4 centimeters, which to me was awesome because I never even got there with my first birth. I was happy about the progress but didn't want it to stop! I took a bath, and was started talking about setting up the birth pool! YAY! I called Marnie, the photographer, who was awesome by the way. She came to the house sometime between 1230 and 130 I think. My friend Heather came around 130 too and laid down my son for his afternoon nap. Time after this point was a blur.

The birth pool was AMAZING, too amazing actually. It calmed me to the point that my contractions slowed. I fell asleep in the pool, which was a nice break, but I didn't want my labor to stop after all the hard work I had put in. So I got out and GOT WALKING! I called my sis in NC, and I just walked back and forth again in front of the house in all the snow. Neighbors probably thought I was nuts. But that got things speeding up a little bit. I ate some peanut butter and tried to snack on some things, I don't even remember now at this point.

I noticed that the flowers we got from my baby shower were blooming on this day, and I knew today was the day. I focused on that flower a lot during my labor, and I said to myself a lot to "open" just like the flower was doing. Jess Brown and Marnie were amazing. They just seemed to know what I needed and helped me through every contraction. Marnie gave me the most awesome foot massage that I really really needed!

At some point I must of hit transition, I just don't know when that was. Things progressively got harder and faster, and I got louder and more uncomfortable-but never really in "pain". My mom came by later in the afternoon/evening. Do not recall when. She helped but had this constant look of "worry" on her face, it was hard to see her daughter go through labor I guess, lol.
I had originally always pictured giving birth in the pool, but that didn't work out. When I finally felt the urge to push, it was about 730/8 pm on Thursday night and I just wanted to sit on the toilet. I felt like the baby was SERIOUSLY GOING TO COME OUT OF MY BUTT! That was where all the pressure was, ugh. Stupid spicy beef stew/hemorrhoids. So I pushed with the contractions. Its not as easy as people made it sound. All the "oh, this part feels good" "Pushing is constructive, its the easy part" HELL NO!

Pushing was INTENSE, and by intense I mean, not good, hurt, going to come out of the butt, whats going on. I tried every position you could think of. I was even crawling back and forth, butt naked around the kids playroom, lol. I pushed in the birth pool for a while, with my hubby behind me putting the hot towel on my rectum as I pushed. Lincoln came in during that part and said, "Daddy, you wiping mommy's butt?" HAHAHAHA. I didn't laugh then, but now its funny.

I pushed on the little push chair Nicole brought. I pushed standing up holding onto the door frames. Finally 3.5 hours later or something like that (dang, was it really that long? Sorry guys) I felt the baby crowing and the burning. I was on hands and knees position on the futon. Every time I pushed everyone was cheering me on and shouting, "ooooh there is the head its so close keep pushing its right there", but then it would suck back in, and I would do that again for what seemed like forever. Almost all the way out..... then back in!

I started getting overwhelmed in my head at this point. Honestly, I was like having a major internal battle. I knew it would be stupid to go to a hospital at this point, the baby was crowning. But I started feeling defeated, and unsure if I could continue pushing like this. I finally stopped. Looked at my mother, and decided in my mind that this was it. I was PUSHING THIS BABY OUT! I gritted my teeth, and pushed with all my might. I felt crossed eyed and about to pass out I was trying to push so hard. My mom kept talking about "big baby heads" and other things I was blocking out at the time.

All the sudden, I felt the baby's head come out, but at that moment things got a little fast paced. Nicole pushed Zack out of the way, he was originally going to catch, but she noticed baby's cord wrapped a few times around the neck and criss-crossed to pin his shoulders back. He was a little stuck, so she had to get her hands in there to pull him out. She had me stand up-mid push- and she grabbed that baby out and gently handed him to me between my legs. I pulled the baby up to my chest and- ECSTASY!!!!!!!!!!! Zack and my mom were freaking out trying to pink him up a little and get him crying. But, I knew he was just fine, just needed a little rub-down and some Oxygen. I held the baby in my arms. Overwhelmed. DID I REALLY JUST PUSH YOU OUT OF ME! I still can't believe it. Its amazing. I birthed my baby, at home. I actually did it. Its the most amazing feeling. I feel like a superwoman. We had a boy. Asher Orion Pace. 7lbs 10 oz. 20.5 inches long. Big ole head, and quite bruised and swollen for quite some time, but he has healed up so nicely, and is starting to really get the hang of nursing now.

I laid down while the midwife and Jess checked me out for tearing and bleeding. I held Asher on my chest. Lincoln walked up to me, while Asher was laying on me crying a little bit. He said Asher just needs some milk, mommy's milk. It brought tears to my eyes, he hadn't nursed in over a year so I had no idea how he remembered. But it was awesome. Marnie was there taking pictures the whole time, she got some amazing shots that will be amazing memories to have forever. I did tear pretty extensively since they had to get in there pretty fast to pull Asher out.

After holding my baby a few hours, I went into the hospital to get stitched up. (No fun, by the way, but it was awesome because Nicole came with me to be my advocate and make sure they treated me right. They gave me some local injections because I refused the epi, I wanted to avoid as much of that crap as I could. I was scared to be there, honestly, it was the scariest part of the whole thing. But it gave me some appreciation for what a hospital can do in situations that they are needed.)

It has taken me three weeks to sit down and write down all the details of Asher's birth. I am amazed at all the details I can remember though, since with Lincoln's I was so drugged I hardly remember anything. I am healed though. I got my VBAC. I want to do it again, I feel so amazing from the whole experience (well... except for the pain from tearing, lol). I want other women to know that they can do it too, that if you know all your options and are knowledgeable you can avoid going through the first unnecessary c-section and just have your blissful, awesome, empowering, natural birth!!!!!!!!!!

Obstetric Lie # 95- Birth Is A Disease

Imagine it:

You are a skilled race car driver. You have worked for years to hone your skills. You have a fast car. It is the best. It has a big engine. You even have driving gloves and a helmet, a race track, all the bells and whistles. But....you only get to go fast when you REALLY have too. Mostly, you just get to sit around and watch people drive by in their Volvos.

Now imagine you are a skilled surgeon. You went to school for years and years. You have a doctorate. You have some serious debt. You have lots of knowledge about pathology- in particular all the things that could possibly go wrong with a laboring woman. You are well trained to spot those many things. And yet.....most of the time you just have to sit around and watch people push out their babies with little or no trouble AT ALL.

Hmmmm....

Does this sound like a recipe for disaster to anybody else but me?

Birth As Pathology

"Pathology is the study and diagnosis of disease. The word pathology is from Greek πάθος, pathos, "feeling, suffering""; (Via Wikipedia)

Think about this for a moment. Disease. Suffering. When we surround the primal and normal act of birth with these words we fundamentally change it.

When we surround a laboring and birthing woman with people who are deeply committed to the study of said disease and suffering we fundamentally change that birth.

"...because physiologically, birth doesn’t happen the same way around surgeons, medically trained doctors, as it does around sympathetic women. "
Ina May Gaskin

You can find obstetricians, midwives, men, women, mothers, fathers, television producers, even children today who believe, deeply and emphatically that birth is a disease. They believe that birth is inherently dangerous.

This sentiment, that birth is inherently pathological is so deeply inherent in our culture today that it is often not even questioned. It is so large and pervasive that we could even say that the pathological model of birth is in fact a national paradigm.

I have heard five year old children, when asked about how babies are born say that , "Mommy goes to the hospital and they cut it out of her stomach." This is how deep the vision of abnormal, pathological birth runs in our culture. We believe it before we even understand how babies are conceived.

But birth is not a pathology.

No- BIRTH IS NOT A PATHOLOGY. IT IS NOT A DISEASE. IT IS NOT ABNORMAL.

The fact that people believe that birth is dangerous, pathological and unsafe does not make it so. I repeat- just because everybody accepts this does not make it true.

You can watch on television the celebration of birth that is considered normal but is in fact NOT NORMAL. All around us we see "proof" that birth is dangerous, scary, and must be controlled by knife wielding experts who have most often NEVER even had a vagina, much less pushed a baby out of one.

But this is not proof at all. The prevalence of this idea is not proof of it. It is simply proof that we have accepted as fact something that is false.

BIRTH IS NORMAL-

We must shift this paradigm. We must. We can not live in a culture where it is accepted that women are generally incapable of a basic biological function. To accept this atrocity not only damages the birth experience of women, but it damages the national perception of femininity. It hurts the value of women, motherhood, wisdom and our innate power.

We can not stand for this. We can not accept it.

We can not watch shows that support and encourage this anti-female, anti-normal, and false perception of our abilities and our womanhood. We can not give our money to men and women who believe this. We can not birth in their hospitals. To do so is to feed the system of misogyny and fund the very tyrants who abuse women for profit.

We can do this. We can envision normal birth again and then we can make it happen. It will be a slow process and it will be scary. Why? Because first we must face our own fears. We must accept our own power and our own responsibility. We must walk away from institutions. We must birth normally. We must be radical

But it is not radical to believe in a woman's ability to birth without pathology. It is normal, right and intuitive. It is however different and it requires a leap of faith. Take that leap. This change will only begin with us.

I Had A Natural Birth- And I Liked It

The other day I came across this somewhat angry post by a mama who enjoyed her epidural and c-section birth and seemed pretty ticked at some of us natural birth mamas. It left my brain stirring with thoughts about women and birth, the "good" birth experience and how we view, love and even hate each other as we navigate through the sad place known as the mommy wars.

I fully realize that as a big mouthed natural birth mama and blogger I have probably contributed to said mommy wars and I know for a fact that I have offended plenty of mamas who disagree with me. But despite all that, I had to respond. (Her words are in quotes.)

~And a small disclaimer before I start- I do think natural birth is awesome and I like it and I am BIASED in favor of it. If I wasn't I wouldn't spend hundreds of free hours devoted to promoting it. In my experience, natural birth moms have fantastic birth experiences- that is why they are excited about them, no other reason. ~

"I gave birth to my daughter. I had a c-section. I had an epidural. And I liked it."

For one- I am glad you liked your epidural and c-section birth. Really- I am. I didn't (nor do most women as far as I can tell) have a natural birth to shove it in anybodies face or to ensure some sense of superiority. I don't look down on people who choose differently. I honestly don't think that most of us do.

I choose natural birth because I wanted one. I got one because I got lucky. I thought, and still do, that it would be the best birth for me and my baby. It makes sense to me to feel everything related to this experience that we only get a few times in our life.

But one reason I chose it was because I thought I would like it. Just like you. I thought it was the best way to get a good experience for me and my baby.

"We live in the modern world. We have modern medicine available to us, which was created to help us moms in the first moments of motherhood."

I will admit that I don't totally understand the epidural choice. I have labored three times so I "get" the desire to numb yourself at some point. My views on modern medicine and its benefits are totally fringe, alternative, and pretty much sound crazy. I won't get into them here, except to say that I don't think that the benefits of modern medicine really apply to birth as often as they are used.

Birth to me isn't a medical event- most of the time. The only help I wanted was what nature told my body to do at the time of birth, not something modern or new.

"In his book Epidural Without Guilt: Childbirth Without Pain, Dr. Gilbert Grant, a New York City-based anesthesiologist, illuminates why epidurals are actually good for you (they may speed the childbirth process along and may help with breastfeeding, blah blah blah)."

Well, I do disagree on that. The issues surrounding the safety of epidurals and surgical births have many sides and studies on both sides. We can agree to disagree on the safety and the benefits of the epidural, but there is most definitely evidence that the epidural is NOT good for you. At the very least, this statement is debatable.

But I didn't just choose NOT to get an epidural because of safety. Honestly- it is pretty obvious that the vast majority of epidural moms survive just fine. But logically for me, it didn't make sense to numb the body right where it needs to feel nor to make it impossible to stand and walk and move for my labor. I want to be able to participate in that way. Gravity, seems a natural help in the process. I will believe this, proof or not.

" I didn’t think twice about getting pain relief when I wanted it. To me, it is a non-issue, created by those women who didn’t get one. "

Hmm. I don't know how I or any other natural birth supporter "created" the issue of pain relief. I really don't think this is motivated by a superiority complex. I think instead (speaking for myself) that we are gung-ho about natural birth because we LOVED our experience. Those women who didn't love their natural birth (and I admit they exist) don't talk about it much.

I will admit though that sometimes (more so when I was new to the whole natural birth scene) I would come off sounding a big offensive, high-minded or superior. Well, maybe it still happens.

To me this is more about you and ME having the choice to birth how we would like. Natural birth mamas (understandably so) can get a little defensive about this since we are a tiny little minority and the hospital system is pretty staggeringly stacked against us. We just want choices. Choosing an epidural, frankly, is an easy choice in hospitals today. You will be supported by your staff and by the vast majority of women.

It can be hard NOT to get defensive when you feel alone out there like so many natural birth mamas do.

"Those women who are walking around bragging to everyone about how they had a "natural" labor, how badly it hurt, how they survived."

I don't think I brag about the natural birth experience- nor have I ever heard a woman do this. Proud of it? Yes- Empowered by it? Yes- Eager to share this experience with others? Yes-

I also don't talk about how badly it hurt much either. For one- it didn't hurt that badly (OK- well it did hurt badly there for a while but it was just a few minutes! I am not making this up!)

Survived natural birth?! I would never describe it as surviving. It was awesome. But me thinking my experience was awesome in no way lessens your awesome experience.

"Please. You did not have a better childbirth experience than I did. We each had our own unique experience. Thankfully, we both have our child here in this world, we both love our child ad infinitum. "

Mama- I didn't say I had a better experience than you. End of story. And yes, I love my kids too.

5 Top Secret Things About Pregnancy

1) It makes you more sensitive to the potty training child.

Example) Your 4 year old has an accident. While pregnant you can really commiserate. "It's OK honey. Why just today, I sneezed with a full bladder and I wet my pants. It happens to everybody."

2) The boobie fairy.

Well, that's what my husband calls it. Just a tad offensive, I know. But, self explanatory.

3) Swollen ankles.

Well, this isn't really that top secret. Just small proof that I can be totally unaware of myself. With my first I seriously thought my legs were just getting "more muscular." I even had a whole conversation with my husband about it. "My legs are so much more muscular honey. Look! My calves are bigger than yours and you lift weights!" I was proud of myself.

4) Sex Drive-

I have family who reads this blog, so of course, this doesn't apply to me. Technically I am still a virgin. Hi Dad.

But I hear that some women have this.

5) After the pregnancy, the boobie fairy leaves- and she takes all her friends with her AND the house.

I won't get into details, but you may end up with a closet full of various different bra sizes for various stages of your life, pregnancy and nursing.

Birthstory! Homebirth (VBAC) In A Hospital

Well, there is just nothing like a mom who knows what she wants and makes sure she gets it. Don't take crap from anybody ladies. This mama shows how it is done. Beautiful.
You can check out this talented mamas blog here!

Enjoy!
~

In honor of my baby boy's First Birthday, here is his birth story. My 2nd VBAC, but my first all natural birth. It was also the first time that labor started BEFORE my membranes ruptured, but I still let them rupture on their own.

I started having signs of prelabor on Tuesday, the 13th. Around 3am on the 15th, contractions became more regular but still 15-20 minutes apart. They stayed rather irregular all day, getting closer and closer together. Occasionally, I would sit down at the computer and time them using www.ContractionMaster.com. I wondered if this was it, but kept telling myself this was only pre-labor, and might go on for a week or more.

Just before Matthew got home, I decided Wyatt was going to arrive some time this weekend, maybe even tonight. I called Tabetha to make sure she could watch the kids, but she was about to leave for a football game. No big deal, it wouldn't be tonight anyway. She would be free all weekend.

When Matthew got home from work I told him we had to get ready to go, just in case, I took another chance to time the contractions they were down to 5 minutes apart. I hadn't told Matthew about the regular contractions and spacing yet. He just thought it was another day of me trying to get him to do stuff-like put the 3rd carseat in the car. Finally I told him that I thought I was at the point where normal people go to the hospital.

We called the hospital to see what spacing they like people to come in at. They said 3-5 minutes apart. Mine were 5 minutes apart then. Still thinking we had plenty of time, and that it might not even be real labor for sure, we slowly finished getting ready to go. Luckily our other neighbors could keep the kids until Tabetha got home.When we got in the car, Matthew took over the timing of contractions, with me just saying "now" to start and stop. I told him I didn't want to know what the timing was. I hadn't wanted to start using labor props too early, but finally turned on the iPod to Bellaruth Naparstek's "Music for Childbirth" as we pulled out of the driveway.

I could tell the contractions were getting more serious when I was squirming all over the backseat of the car, and "now" was the only thing I could say. When we arrived at the hospital, Matthew helped me out of the car at the door before he went to park. I asked him how far apart the contractions were and he said 2-3 minutes, lasting 2 minutes. I went inside to get checked out. I had told Matthew we were only staying if I was over 7cm dilated.

As we walked down the hallway, I heard a nurse counting like a drill sergeant for someone else's pushes. No way that would be me. I went into kill the nurse mode, defensive of my right to labor as I wanted.

When we got to the room, the nurse started handing me a gown, said they'd monitor me on my back in bed for an hour, and start an IV. I gave Matthew a look and he took care of it. Matthew told her to go read my birth plan and not come back until she had!! She never came back. She sent another nurse who turned out to be the best nurse I could have hoped for. Danielle honored my entire birthplan, with the help of Dr. McCarty. When Danielle checked my cervix, I was already 8 centimeters and fully effaced! Thank you to Huggies.com's Birthplan creator for making it SO EASY to make a birth plan! I tried other Birth Plan creator websites, but liked theirs the best. Getting it signed off on by my midwife, early in the third trimester, and put into my record was key!

With a saline lock in place of an IV, I was free to move around as needed. I squatted next to the bed, leaned over the bed and did everything I could to stay OUT of the bed. I knew getting on my back would stall things and make labor harder. Ideally, I wanted to give birth squatting, since it opens the pelvis 4 cm more than the "lithotomy position" lying on your back. It wasn't up to me though, and luckily Dr. McCarty didn't force me into any unnatural position. I let nature tell me how to move and just listened to my body - and my iPod.

Most of the time, Danielle and Dr. McCarty weren't even in the room. It was just Matthew and me. Every now and then, they would come in and I'd hold still as long as I could for them to monitor the baby with the doppler. In the 3 hours of hospital labor, they only monitored a few times, totally honoring my birth plan!

Eventually, the contractions got worse. I told Matthew that I couldn't relax anymore, and he knew I needed him. We found a position that worked, with me on my hands and knees on the bed, him squatting at the foot of the bed, and me sort of hugging his arms and pushing my head into his armpit. It was the closest possible thing to a hug.

On one contraction I pushed and my water broke all over the place. I knew he needed to go tell the doc, but I didn't want him to leave my hug. They knew things would move fast once my water broke. Around this time, my squirming ripped out my saline lock. I was now laboring in a swamp of blood and amniotic fluid.

Since my head was at the foot of the bed, they needed me to turn so the doctor could actually catch the baby. I managed to turn 90 degrees between contractions, so I could still hug Matthew on one side of the bed and Dr. McCarty could catch the baby on the other side. After a few pushes, still on my elbows and knees, with Matthew encouraging me in a soft voice, Wyatt was born. The cord had been wrapped around his neck 2 times, but the doctor slipped them off as he came out, and everything was fine.

Had I been laboring on my back or if labor had stalled due to interventions, those wraps of the cord could have had lasting complications for Wyatt, and all of us.

Oh, and by the way, when we left the hospital (another story in itself), I carried Wyatt from the room to the door in my sling, NOT in a car seat. The nurses went to the car with us to make sure he was buckled safely into a convertible car seat. So, for all of you babywearers wanting to avoid a bucket car seat, it IS possible to leave a hospital without one.