Everybody should have the experience of moving someplace totally new where they know nobody and have no contacts. It can be a difficult experience but gives you the opportunity to step outside your comfort zone and meet new people that can be friends for a lifetime.
When I moved to Texas so my husband could go to graduate school, I met just such a friend. Lets just say that as a California girl, born and raised, the fact that everybody I met the first few weeks in Texas believed that they had malfunctioning breasts or vagina's was quite shocking. I realize that these are real issues, but in Texas they are way more common than in other parts of the country. (It may be explained by the 95% or higher induction rates at all the hospitals in or near the town I lived in, but that is another story....)
So I was so excited to meet a mama who was very pregnant and planning a home birth, a home birth after cesarean in fact. Finally, a woman after my own heart! The birth of her second child did not however go quite as planned and after laboring for some time, she had another cesarean. When I saw her next she was struggling to nurse her new little one and my heart broke for her.
I of course, being wacky beyond belief, showed up at her door to help her get the hang of things. And, as we sat in her room working on proper latch techniques, thus began an interesting, at times tumultuous, but always blessed, friendship.
We lost touch for a while, but I saw her again, this time after the birth of her third child. She had finally achieved her much sought after VBAC! I was truthfully- amazed. It is hard enough to VBAC these days, but after two c-sections, well, that just takes some serious strength and optimism. Still, being a natural birth purist (I know, don't hate me) I cringed a little when she talked about how awesome that epidural was....(Don't worry, I have since had a posterior baby and I get it now.)
Not long after I followed her on her journey to her fourth child, this one a planned unassisted birth. And again, I was honestly a little freaked for her. Unassisted birth! It sounded a little crazy to me. But she prepared well, and more importantly, if you are a person of faith, she prayed and knew that this was the right choice. Not the right choice for every mom or every birth but the right choice for her, for this birth. I was so happy for her when she was able to birth that baby joyfully, safely and without fear.
She called me just after the birth of her fifth baby, another unassisted birth. She continues to inspire me and those around her with her passion and faith.
Never have I met a woman who has seen such a broad variety of not just birth but life experiences. And never, have I met one who despite her ability to rise above a difficult situation herself, was still able to love, respect, and understand women who choose differently than she did.
This is why I was so shocked to see her attacked over and over again on Internet forums. The attacks were so abusive and mean and personal and came at such a vulnerable time for a woman (during her own fifth pregnancy) that I didn't know how to respond. As her friend I should have stood up for her. I should have said, "Hey- I know her! She is a wonderful person! And of all the people in the world, she would never judge your choices. In fact, she would probably be more understanding that most anybody else you could ever meet."
But I said nothing, because I was afraid that I would come under fire too.
I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I lived with fear for no reason from people I didn't even know, and ashamed that I wasn't there for a dear friend who would have been there for me. So, better late than never, here goes.
January, better known as Mrs. Birth Without Fear is a wonderful person. She amazes me constantly. She is accepting of my faults without being afraid to call me on them. She is faithful, hopeful and believing when others think she should be fearful and doubting. She is loving when others attack and she is not judgmental when people who don't know her dislike her. She cares about women who she has never met. She feels the pain of people who she doesn't have the energy to feel for. Even though she would be amazing just for staying home and being a great mom to her kids, she reaches out to others, to bring them hope and she does it for no benefit of any kind, financial or otherwise. She reaches out to people simply to give them hope for the birth that they want, whatever that is.
I realize that birth is a polarizing and emotional issue- even a life and death issue. It can bring out the best and the worst in people. And I realize that you can hardly know somebody from single sentence Facebook snippets. I don't know what motivates people to hate, attack, and -dare I say- fear Mrs. Birth Without Fear.
One thing I do know is this. Those who hate her do not know her. If they knew her they would love her. I say that because I actually DO know her. We haven't always agreed or made the same choices, but we will always be friends. She has strong opinions, born from powerful experiences. But she would never take away another woman's right to choose what she wanted for her own birth.
Some say that she encourages people to make dangerous choices. I can tell you she would NEVER do that. She does however understand the importance of intuition and she does believe in the power of the birthing woman. She would support you in a scheduled c-section or an unassisted birth. She would never tell you what to do but she would understand why you made the choice you did, because she has probably been in a similar situation. She would even feel your pain for you, because she is that kind of friend and that kind of person.
I feel it a privilege to say that I know January, Mrs. Birth Without Fear. I am also grateful that she is willing to give so much of herself and come under so much attack to provide a place for women to feel supported and cared for when they are pregnant and birthing. The popularity that she has experienced is a testament to the fact that women are desperately searching for support and kindness in a fearful and ugly world. Kudos to her for being better than her critics and a thank you to her for being a true friend.
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