8 Lies Every Mom Should Believe Anyway

Honesty is great.  But when it comes to being a mom who can stand to live with herself, there are a few lies I prefer to believe. 


1) Taco Bell is good for you.

Beans.  Tortillas.  Cheese.  What could go wrong?  That is health food in my book.

(Note, please don't tell me what could go wrong.  It was a rhetorical question.)

2)  Pre-shredded cheese is good for the environment.

The energy I expend grating a block of cheese while 4 kids scream/whine/pee on the floor/or otherwise tick me off is greater than the energy expended when a machine in Kentucky does the same thing, then packs this perfectly shredded cheese in a fancy zipper bag. 

Did I mention it is good for the environment?  Yes, it is.


3)  My kids are not annoying.

Certainly not.  Other people's kids?  Of course THEY are annoying.  THEY ask the same question over and over.  THEY don't understand the word no.  THEY misbehave. 

MY kids on the other hand are awesome and cute all the time. 

One time I stopped believing this lie about my kids.  I don't want to get into details, but it wasn't pretty.  Blinders aren't just for horses.


4)  The "reward system" is TOTALLY different than a bribe.

"If you pick up your clothes, I will give you a chocolate chip." 

Do I say that?  Of course I do.

But I am not bribing my children.  I am teaching them that if you do the right thing you will be rewarded for it.  Later, when they are 30, they will realize that this is a total freaking lie and that life isn't fair.  It will be a downer  when that happens, but I will then have the opportunity to

A) give a hug and a listening ear, or

B) look smug.

5)  I will someday get sleep.

Think about it.

Babies- They need to eat frequently and somebody has to feed them. 

Toddlers- Did you think that the baby stage was bad?  HAHAHAHAHA!  18 months is pure torture.  Enjoy your baby when they will nurse back to sleep. 

Did I mention night potty training disasters?  I will leave it to your imagination.  

5 years on-  Then the kids need to get up for school, get picked up from school, go to activities, etc, etc, etc.  This means mom can't nap or make up for sleep or any silly things like that, especially if she also at this time has a baby and a toddler.

12 years on- Teenagers I hear make you stay awake at night with either worry or curfew watch.  You have to be awake when they come home so you can smell them and make sure they came in on time. 

Eventually all the kids leave home.  But, by then, you will go through menopause, your adrenals will be totally shot from all the worry and lack of sleep from the previous 25 years and you will no longer be ABLE to sleep even though in theory you should. 

Isn't the idea that SOMEDAY you will get sleep much more pleasant than the reality?  Yes it is. 


6) I enjoy making love in the bathroom.

Sure you do.

Who wouldn't enjoy the feel of tile in their 30's and 40's? 

It isn't spontaneous and exciting, it just hurts.  But I for one am committed to being spontaneous.  Keep on fibbing to yourself.

7)  Dark chocolate is good for you.

I know that numerous studies have found that this is good for your heart or you brain chemistry or something like that to consume dark chocolate.  If I had money, I would FUND a study like that for candy corn and chocolate cake and lemon bars.  Then I would have a whole host of things I didn't have to feel guilty about when I ate them in exorbitant quantities. 

(Lemon bars contain high concentrations of vitamin C, which is good for tissue repair, while candy corn has high levels of wax which lend themselves to preventing stretch marks....See, I am a natural at making stuff up.)

Maybe dark chocolate is good for you, but not in the addicts dosage that I consume it in.  Still, I prefer the, "It helps prevent depression" bit any day of the week.


8)  I enjoy buying my clothes without trying them on.  It is exciting, like a blind date.

Wasn't life lame back when you could go into a dressing room alone at a department store and try on something expensive before you bought it with money you had and took it home to wear on your firm young body? 

Very lame.

Much preferred is grabbing something off the rack, holding it up to you, making sure it is on clearance, and paying as quickly as possible before somebody darts out the door and into oncoming traffic. (Make sure you bring cash or grab the credit card that isn't maxed out!)

That is the way I like it too.  Me time is overrated and encourages self obsession.  I am a monk in housewife clothing. 

~~~

I am sure there are more lies I could think of, but I am pretty sure I need to clean poop off the floor.  And make dinner.  (Not in that order.)

Lest you think I sound bitter and cynical, I am in fact neither.  I am funny and witty and my approach to life is both enjoyable and grand.  

That is a lie that I will continue to believe until my dying day.

Peace out mamas- and keep your house stocked with chocolate.